Self Reflection is Painful

I went to see my therapist today. I love going to see her because she helps me gain so much insight. Today was no different, it was just a lot more painful than I expected it to be.

I am a rescuer through and through. I have been pretty much my entire life. This is something I am working on in all aspects of my life. Today my therapist asked me if I was rescuing others in group. I said "No" without hesitation. As we talked some more, she helped me realize that I was indeed rescuing during group (she probably already knew this for two reasons: a- she's a great therapist and seems to understand me and, b- they have staff meeting and are able to discuss how things are going in group with each other so it is probably some insight from my group leader). It struck a nerve. I don't want to be "that" person. The one that can see so clearly see (she thinks) what others need and talk as if they have all their crap together when in fact they haven't even scratched the surface of what is underneath all their own trauma. Ugh! I am that person though.

What really hit a nerve was when she tapped into the very root of all my insecurities. My absolute need to belong. We all need to feel like we belong somewhere. My need to belong isn't any more or less prominent than anyone else, we all have the need to feel like we belong. What is pathological about my need to belong is the way I go about helping myself feel like I belong. I feel like if people don't "need" me then I don't belong with them. I fuel this feeling of being needed by rescuing. If I make myself feel invaluable and needed then I belong there, because they won't be able to get along without me.

I can name you a multiple examples of this in my everyday life, but I honestly didn't see that I was doing it in group. I feel a little more broken about that. I feel like that was my safe place to just be me, but apparently I'm the one holding myself back from being free to be me. I'm the one who won't let my guard down. It hurts to be self reflective. It's a painful process. Especially when I'm not sure how to go about correcting what I didn't realize I was doing.

I think what really zinged my vulnerability nerve today was when my therapist asked me a question I should be asking myself, "Who am I if I'm not rescuing? What is my worth?" I had to look at her and tell her that I honestly don't know. Who would I be today if I wasn't "needed" by anyone? What value would I have to myself? I really, truly don't know the answer to that question. I need to be able to figure that out. I can feel the growing pains coming and they are already starting to hurt.

Please keep a prayer in your heart, if you can, that I will learn to be more honest with myself and find some reflection back of what I am really worth. A more clear reflection of where my value really lies.

Reflectively,

T.

My Metaphorical Shelf

I realized this week that I have the ability to let things sit without obsessing over them or stuffing them down. It was liberating. I didn't even realize that was what I had done let alone that I had the power to do it. Let me tell you the story.

This has been an emotionally rough week for me. A lot going on, my did was in the hospital overnight and is hours away, LifeStar, a presentation to give, kid stuff at the school. I was very overwhelmed and emotionally on edge on Tuesday when this situation happened. In conversation with my husband we talked about his visit to his therapist (whom I know because we used to see him together) and he told me something that the therapist said that really hurt me. Later that night at LifeStar the same therapist said something to me that also upset me. I was surprised because he has never said or done ANYTHING remotely hurtful to me. He is one of the best sexual addiction therapists as far as I'm concerned. None the less, I was hurt. When we got home that night and had our checkin I told B about my feelings. I was still pretty upset by everything and this was just niggling at me. 

I asked B if he thought I was overreacting and I wanted an honest answer. He didn't want to hurt my feelings but he told me that he thought I probably was. I expressed to him that I was afraid of that and that I thought it was just me, because of how much care and concern the therapist has always shown us. I told him I was going to sit on this and think about it for a bit. I decided to reexamine it the next day and if my feelings were unchanged I'd wait another day and if I still felt the same way I'd decide how to address it.

What I realized today, when I was describing this to my own therapist, was that I had metaphorically put this situation on the shelf. The events were still there available to me, but they weren't front and center for me to obsess over or shoved to a dark corner to be ignored. I had essentially taken my hurt feelings and put them on the shelf to wait to be taken down twenty-four hours later. When I took them out the next day to process I realized that I didn't feel the same way and that I had indeed taken something internally that wasn't in fact intended to cause pain.

It was so freeing to be able to recognize that I had the control over my emotions and that in that moment they weren't controlling me. I didn't want to have negative feelings for my husband's therapist because of the amazing work he has done with both myself and my husband. I was able to stop and reexamine the situation after I had some distance from it. 

I'm honestly surprised that in that moment I had the where-with-all to stop and evaluate instead of reacting. I credit that entirely to my Heavenly Father and the fact that I have been seeking him out and listening for his guidance. He helped me to come up with a way to cope that was both beneficial and validating. I allowed myself the emotions without having them control me…I owned my story. 

I have feelings but I don't have to be controlled by them, it's liberating!

A little lighter today,

T.