Redeeming Hearts Retreat

I have had the title written for this post for months, wanting to write it but being held back by my own fear. Fear of not writing the truth, fear of hurting other's feelings, fear that I might not get another opportunity to go to a retreat like this and fear that I will. I finally decided to face my fears head-on. This is so scary for me, because my biggest fear in life is saying or doing something to make others not like me. I am so very afraid that I will be disliked (even by people I don't like) that I often don't reveal how I really feel. Hell, I sometimes don't know how I really feel because I don't want it to be contrary to what someone wants me to feel. Wow...some of you just labeled me codependent didn't you? Please don't. That's a whole other post, let's get back to the post I started.

I was so blessed to be able to attend the Redeeming Hearts Retreat that was hosted by Harriet at A Wife Redeemed. It was back in the spring, and I have wanted to write this post since then and just haven't been able to. The retreat was AMAZING. We learned, we laughed, we grew, we ate amazing and healthy meals, we bonded, we meditated and we celebrated our sisterhood. Harriet planned an amazing weekend for us and graciously hosted us. I love the women that attended. I love the weekend away. It was beautiful and fabulous. I just didn't get as much healing out of it that I wanted to. This has nothing to do with Harriet, the retreat, or the women there. It has 100% of everything to do with me.

I went up there nervous and scared. I was nervous for several reasons, not the least of which was not fitting in the seat belt on the airplane. This may not be a fear most of you relate to, but it's a real fear of mine (on the way home I swallowed my pride and didn't try and squish into the seat belt, I asked for the extender...hmmmmm...maybe more healing happened than I realized). I was so scared of not being liked or accepted by the women there. It is a completely unfounded fear. They were amazing. They embraced me and included me and never once made me feel less than. Those feelings are all in my head. I was afraid of being embarrassed because I had to pack a giant size suitcase for one weekend because my clothes are big sized they take up more room and because I have to use a CPAP to sleep at night, so I had to pack that. I am fighting tears as I write this because I am realizing two things...#1 I have wasted so much of my life being afraid and #2 I don't have to be afraid, because I am wonderful. I don't always believe that I am wonderful, but today I do. Wow, I think I wrote this post at just the right time, I'm not sure I could've admitted or understood some of these truths in the spring.

Let me tell you a little bit more about the actual retreat, because if you get the chance to go you should. It was AMAZING! First off I have to tell you about the amazing friend that I went to the retreat with. You know her as Eagle Wings from her story on A Wife Redeemed, but I just know her as my friend. She is so amazingly supportive. She reached out to me early on last year when I was first starting to look for support. She has given her time and her love to me in ways that she doesn't even realize. I told her of my fear about the airplane seat belt when we were getting ready to leave, and she helped me through it. She doesn't give herself enough credit, but she really is an amazing person.

When we arrived we were picked up by two other WOPAs attending the retreat and we stopped to pick up snacks to share. It was as if I had known these women forever. There is a bond between WOPAs that doesn't even need to be spoken. We just understand each other. We understand on a level that isn't spoken and doesn't need to be. We arrived at Harriet's home and were greeted warmly and got settled in. She is such an amazing hostess. We had dinner and we had a guided meditation with a therapist. We visited and laughed. I know I am going to confuse the timeline, so I will just tell you about the activities. We watched a movie, had a class on essential oils and their emotional healing properties (I learned that I hate lavender because I need it...this is truth and I am learning to like it). We performed a kundalini yoga healing circle that was so powerful. We shared our stories. We ate delicious food. We played games. We went on walks. We journaled. We broke pots and put them back together again. We laughed. Basically we grew in ways that may not have been obvious at the time and made friends that will be friends for years to come.

I didn't realize until I wrote this post how much healing really did happen for me that weekend. I learned so much about myself and my insecurities. I learned about my own fears and how they are just that, mine. I hope that any betrayed spouse is able to attend an event like this (and if you can attend this one, I would highly recommend it). There is so much healing that comes from knowing you aren't alone. You are part of a club, one you never wanted to belong to, and one that accepts you wholeheartedly, flaws and all. I am learning to lean into my fears, but I have a lot of demons still to face. I am blessed to not have to face them alone though. I have my Heavenly Father and a WOPA army behind me.

A little less afraid,

T.

Self-Compassion

I haven't posted in a while and there has been a lot going on in our life. I will give you the highlight reel. B. acted out for about a month, and then lied to me about it. I had some hard decisions to make including whether or not I could stay in this marriage. We are now living in the same room and sleeping Lucy and Ricky style (same room, twin beds). Heavenly Father is in charge and I am taking direction from him. I had a major slip of comparison and betrayed the confidence of a friend.  I was accountable to both her and our group leader within hours. I still have to do some serious shame busting about it. It has given me some insight as to the amount of shame B. must carry around. That's the highlight reel such as it is.

I have noticed that so many of my warrior sisters (aka. Trauma Troopers or women with Betrayal Trauma) are so hard on themselves. I include myself in that. I know that for YEARS I thought, "If I was skinnier B. wouldn't look at porn."  "If I kept the house cleaner and didn't nag, B. wouldn't need porn." Insert your own "If only…" statement and you have the thoughts of most women I've met that have been betrayed. We blame ourselves a lot. It has taken me years to realize that no matter what I looked like, said, acted like, how much money I made, how clean the house was or what I was doing or not doing sexually…B. would still be an addict and turn to porn and masturbation when he couldn't handle his emotions. I am not to blame for this addiction. I wasn't there when it started. I cannot control B. or his actions. It is not my fault. That's not to say I'm perfect or that I don't have room for improvement, because believe you me, I do have a lot of room for improvement. I make mistakes on a regular basis. Some little and some meteor sized ones. The one thing I have realized I need and am starting to be better at, self-compassion. Realizing that I am an imperfect person trying in the best way I know how to work on being a better me. I have heard it often from my therapist that I need to be compassionate with myself and allow room for self-forgiveness and patience when I make mistakes.

Self-compassion is a difficult thing. I really struggle with thoughts of "If I don't do everything right then B. will use it as an excuse not to work." or "If I can't manage this then how can I expect B. to?" Both of these are completely FALSE. I have no control over what B. does in his recovery and whether he justifies his choices by citing my shortcomings. I have every right to expect my husband to respect and honor me and that he TRIES to be better and diligently works recovery even if I make mistakes. I deserve that.

Sisters, let me tell you this. Treat yourself with compassion. Look at the strong sisters that are by your side. Know that they understand this struggle and that they aren't perfect either. Know that each one of us makes mistakes on a regular basis. Keep trying and be gentle with yourself. Take time to reach out to Heavenly Father and turn your burdens over to him. Practice self-care. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect…and some days even less that just ok. You don't have to achieve perfection. Be nice to yourself. Don't use negative or defeating self-talk, especially if you wouldn't say it to someone else. Treat yourself with the kind of compassion and respect that you want your spouse to treat you with.  Love yourself and give yourself permission to grieve, this is a huge loss and will take some time to process.

Compassionately,

T.