A Lot to Unpack

 I need to start blogging/journaling again, because I am finding I have a lot to unpack and it's just rattling around in my brain right now. The last year plus has been so HARD in some ways and such a blessing in others. I'm not ready to unpack all that today, today I want to unpack my feelings about marriage. There are a lot, and they are contradictory, uncertain, strong, and hopeful. See what I mean, a lot to unpack.

Let me start by saying I want to be married again. I want a companion. I want to be loved for who I am, and be able to return that love to another person. I WANT that, beyond that is where the waters get muddy. You see, when I got married the first time, B and I were sealed for time an all eternity in one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The significance of that is that we believe that we will be able to be together after death. I still want that, not with B, but it's still something I want. I want to find a companion that I can be with forever. In all honesty, that looks nearly impossible from where I stand right now. I am trying to have faith that if I follow the guidance I get from my Heavenly Father and listen to what he has to say to me, that I will be blessed. Trusting in His timing is not always my strong suit. 

Part of what I am struggling with is my own false belief that if my beautiful and amazing friends have not been able to find forever companions, how will I? I have fought the demon of comparison for as long as I can remember, and most days it takes constant reminders to not compare myself to others. My journey is not their journey. My choices are not their choices. My life not theirs. Why do I find myself any less worthy than someone else for companionship and love? I don't have the fortitude to unpack all of that now, but I can say I have struggled with my self worth since at least my early teens. I need to do the work to learn to love me, in order to attract the companion I want, but I'll tell you that is much easier said that done most days. I have been able to work through those feelings of inadequacy that stemmed from B's porn use, and I no longer believe that it was because I wasn't enough that he turned to porn. The scars on my heart came much earlier than that and I haven't been able to repair them completely. 

This post is not heading in the direction I thought it was going to, but apparently the words are taking me someplace I need to be tonight. I don't know if I have shared this before, but apparently I need to talk about it, because these are the words that keep coming to my heart tonight. 

I was told I was fat from the time I hit puberty, maybe not in those words, but in other ways. I received this message from people that were supposed to love me unconditionally, and it became my own personal internal message. It's the voice I still hear today. It doesn't help that the message I receive so much as a women from mainstream media is that my worth is in how I look and how sexy I am. I am, in fact, obese. I am no where near society's standard of beauty. I am nowhere near my own standard of beauty, which I have been trying to demolish for years. I am not blaming my obesity on the messages I receive from society, or the ones I got in childhood. This is on me, I made the choices that got me here. I grant you that I do have disordered eating, but that is still not an excuse in my book. I know I need to have compassion on myself and give myself grace, but I still need to hold myself accountable. I find that bottom line is that I don't love myself, and because I don't love myself, I don't take care of myself. I don't put in the work emotionally, spiritually, or physically to heal. 

As hard as it is to see that there in black and white, it's a good dose of reality for me. I also can't keep beating myself up about it, I just need to take the time to do the work. I feel like tonight I have made a step in the right direction. Apparently my heart knew what I needed to say, even if my mind hadn't acknowledged it yet. 

Accountably,

T.

Shame and Self Worth

While meeting with my therapist today she asked me to journal about some of the things we talked about in our session. I had just typed this in my personal journal, but felt prompted to share publicly.

I told her about the huge shame I had while attending The Togetherness Project conference two weekends ago. We were in Midway, UT, which is a much higher altitude than where I live, and I struggled physically. I was short of breath and sweaty with the slightest bit of activity. It caused me to feel so much shame. I felt like I was a burden on my friends. I didn't want them to have to wait for me or be embarrassed by me. I am sure that none of them felt that way, but I felt that way. They have never behaved in a manner that led me to think anything but that I am loved, it is all my own shame talking.

I feel like a failure when I think about how much I struggle physically. I fight my own food addiction every minute of every day. I am not active because it's embarrassing and painful how out of shape I am. This in turn makes it harder to become more active. It's a cycle that I struggle to break.

My shame about this is debilitating sometimes. I will retreat from others at times, or I will overcompensate at others. With those closest to me, my family, I will react in anger. Really these are all reactions to my own shame. This shame feels so suffocating it's as if I am covered in tar, only it's elastic tar. It clings to me and if I am only able to pull part of it away, if I am not able to completely break free, it rebounds back and envelopes me again. Shame is a physical as well as emotional barrier for me.

As we talked, I also told her about my recovery triad. I feel like my recovery is a triad, and a piece of it is missing so I am stuck in the other parts as well. To me recovery is a triangle or triad of the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of life. I feel like I have worked hard on the emotional and spiritual aspects but that I have neglected the physical aspects. Because of this neglect I have been losing ground in the other areas of recovery. It's the missing piece to truly being able to recover. For me it's also the most challenging.

My therapist had me notice how I was feeling and acting when I was talking about my shame, and how I was feeling and acting when talking about my triad. It was visibly different. When talking about my shame I spoke in a monotone and was more slumped down, it felt dark, oppressing, and hopeless. When I talked about my triad my voice was more animated, I used gestures to explain what I was talking about, I felt lighter and more hopeful. When I talk about my triad the physical component seems doable, rather than hopeless.

As we were talking about my relationships and my sense of emotional and physical abandonment, I was talking about my nephew. I have a great amount of love and protectiveness regarding him because of some challenges he has. When I was speaking about him she pointed out how empathic and compassionate I was regarding him. She also noted that I am that way with most people. I am. I have a heart that was made to love and accept others. It is one of my gifts. Why then, can I not turn that empathy and compassion towards myself? Why can I not be my own best cheerleader. The answer is both complex and simple. I do not feel worthy. That's what it all boils down to, I lack a sense of self worth.

I have learned over these last couple of years to find things about myself that I love. I am getting much better and recognizing my strengths. I also have had great moments of seeing myself as God sees me, as a woman of unchanging worth. My worth does not change in his eyes no matter what, and sometimes I believe this. Underneath it all though, I really struggle to see my worth and remember that it cannot be diminished. I am of value just because I am. That has yet to penetrate my inner core. Because of this lack of self worth, I am out of touch with my own body. I use it as a shell and often even as a hiding place, because I don't connect to it. It's as if it is a separate piece of me. This compartmentalization is because of the shame I feel about it.

I have made some commitments to aid in my physical recovery to myself, my therapist, and a couple of my friends. These commitments are small, and to most would seem simple and silly. To me they are BIG, they are scary, and they are powerful. I have made them knowing that I probably won't be 100% great at them all of the time. That's okay. There's where compassion comes in. I don't get to excuse myself from my commitments, but I get to have compassion with myself if I am putting in the effort and doing the best I can.

My physical recovery is going to be an uphill battle. It's going to require diligence and perseverance. It isn't however, hopeless. It is possible. I can do it if I surrender my shame and fear to my Heavenly Father. If I remember to see my worth through His eyes. I could write a novel about self worth, but until I truly take it in and make it part of me, it's only words. I am working to believe what I know is true, I have undiminished worth just because I am me.

More hopeful,

T.