A Lot to Unpack

 I need to start blogging/journaling again, because I am finding I have a lot to unpack and it's just rattling around in my brain right now. The last year plus has been so HARD in some ways and such a blessing in others. I'm not ready to unpack all that today, today I want to unpack my feelings about marriage. There are a lot, and they are contradictory, uncertain, strong, and hopeful. See what I mean, a lot to unpack.

Let me start by saying I want to be married again. I want a companion. I want to be loved for who I am, and be able to return that love to another person. I WANT that, beyond that is where the waters get muddy. You see, when I got married the first time, B and I were sealed for time an all eternity in one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The significance of that is that we believe that we will be able to be together after death. I still want that, not with B, but it's still something I want. I want to find a companion that I can be with forever. In all honesty, that looks nearly impossible from where I stand right now. I am trying to have faith that if I follow the guidance I get from my Heavenly Father and listen to what he has to say to me, that I will be blessed. Trusting in His timing is not always my strong suit. 

Part of what I am struggling with is my own false belief that if my beautiful and amazing friends have not been able to find forever companions, how will I? I have fought the demon of comparison for as long as I can remember, and most days it takes constant reminders to not compare myself to others. My journey is not their journey. My choices are not their choices. My life not theirs. Why do I find myself any less worthy than someone else for companionship and love? I don't have the fortitude to unpack all of that now, but I can say I have struggled with my self worth since at least my early teens. I need to do the work to learn to love me, in order to attract the companion I want, but I'll tell you that is much easier said that done most days. I have been able to work through those feelings of inadequacy that stemmed from B's porn use, and I no longer believe that it was because I wasn't enough that he turned to porn. The scars on my heart came much earlier than that and I haven't been able to repair them completely. 

This post is not heading in the direction I thought it was going to, but apparently the words are taking me someplace I need to be tonight. I don't know if I have shared this before, but apparently I need to talk about it, because these are the words that keep coming to my heart tonight. 

I was told I was fat from the time I hit puberty, maybe not in those words, but in other ways. I received this message from people that were supposed to love me unconditionally, and it became my own personal internal message. It's the voice I still hear today. It doesn't help that the message I receive so much as a women from mainstream media is that my worth is in how I look and how sexy I am. I am, in fact, obese. I am no where near society's standard of beauty. I am nowhere near my own standard of beauty, which I have been trying to demolish for years. I am not blaming my obesity on the messages I receive from society, or the ones I got in childhood. This is on me, I made the choices that got me here. I grant you that I do have disordered eating, but that is still not an excuse in my book. I know I need to have compassion on myself and give myself grace, but I still need to hold myself accountable. I find that bottom line is that I don't love myself, and because I don't love myself, I don't take care of myself. I don't put in the work emotionally, spiritually, or physically to heal. 

As hard as it is to see that there in black and white, it's a good dose of reality for me. I also can't keep beating myself up about it, I just need to take the time to do the work. I feel like tonight I have made a step in the right direction. Apparently my heart knew what I needed to say, even if my mind hadn't acknowledged it yet. 

Accountably,

T.

It's Not Your Fault

There have been a few times in my life when the words that come out of me aren't from me. I was blessed enough to have one of those opportunities the other day. An amazing woman bravely reached out to me last week. She is hurting and broken just like many of us are and/or have been. Her husband is an addict, and she is suffering the effects of Betrayal Trauma and is just now learning what that is. She, like I have in the past, and so many others as well, blames herself for her husband's addiction and acting out. I understand that so well. For so many years I thought I could change my husband by being more or less of so many different things. I was wrong. Let me share with you the words that I was inspired to share with her. (The words are mine but the sentiment did not come from me, it is what Heavenly Father wanted me to share and believe)

Dear betrayed wife,

The one thing I want to you hear, because right now you probably won't believe it, I didn't believe it for years and still struggle to sometimes. Absolutely none of his addiction is your fault. His behaviors are not your fault and nothing you could do or say would change them. You could look like a Playboy bunny, have the sex drive of a teenage boy, keep the house like June Cleaver and earn the money of Donald Trump and he would STILL turn to porn and treat you this way. Why? Because porn addiction is not about sex, it's about mismanagement of emotions. He doesn't know how to manage his emotions. You are enough and wonderful just as you are. Your inherent value lies in the fact that you are a daughter of our Heavenly Father. You are loved and cared about more than you can possibly know. 

I completely and totally understand the self loathing that comes with this addiction. I blamed myself for so many years. I weigh much more now than I did when we got married. Why would he want me? Why wouldn't he turn to porn? But the truth of the matter is, I am learning to love myself for exactly who I am. My beauty doesn't come from how I look, it comes from who I am. I can promise you that it is NOT your fault he has this addiction and has chosen it. The addiction came long before you. If you had married an alcoholic that was supposedly in recovery when you were married, and then he started drinking again after you got married, would you think that it was your fault? Absolutely not! What our husband's have is an addiction, and it's one that has robbed them of their value to themselves. I ache for the shame and pain this has caused my husband, heaven only knows I've tried to fix him for most of our marriage. I "if only'd" myself all the time..."If only I was skinnier." "If only I was sexier." "If only I could keep the house cleaner." None of that fixed him. I tried to be the porn star I thought he wanted. It didn't change him or his behaviors. All it did was help to make me feel like a dirty and worthless person.
Heavenly Father doesn't want any of this for us. He wants us to love ourselves. He wants us to value ourselves as the daughters of Him that we are. I am so scared of what the future holds, but I know that worrying about it will only rob me of the time I have now. I am working every day to turn my will over to Him. It is scary to think that my "happily ever after" may not look the way in envisioned it. In all honesty, it's never looked the way I envisioned it and I have accepted that. What I won't accept any more is being treated like I don't matter. My husband is a good man and I love him, but I need to feel emotionally safe with him and right now that isn't happening.
Achingly,
T.

Editing My Story

I don't want to edit my story to change it or alter it's truth in any way. I want to edit my story to reflect where I am in my journey. My story is ever evolving as I learn and grow...and the beautiful part is that it doesn't have an ending yet and so that means I get to continue to learn and grow.

My name starts with T and I am a WoPA (Wife of a Porn Addict). I am so much more than that though. For so many years my life has been defined by my husband's addiction without me even knowing I was letting it define me. I am choosing to no longer let that be the definition of who I am and how I behave. I am me, and I define who I am and how I behave.

B. and I have been married almost 21 years. We met and were friends for about 6 months before we started dating. We dated for 2 months and got engaged. We were engaged for 7 months before we were sealed for time and all eternity in a temple of the LDS Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). When we made this commitment I knew that it was forever, I knew that this was the man I was going to be with for the rest of my life here on earth and in the eternities to come. Now, I don't know if that is still true, but I have turned that over to my Heavenly Father as He is in charge and I put my faith in Him. I know that when I married B. I got confirmation from Heavenly Father that it was the right thing to do, but I was also warned it wouldn't be easy...I chose not to listen to that latter part very well.

I knew something was off in our marriage for years before I actually found out what it was. When I found out that B. had a "pornography problem" I had several reactions. I got angry and of course threatened divorce if it ever happened again (which my husband took to heart and so he started lying and hiding things from me). I felt feelings of not being "enough" in anything I was doing. I felt like it was my fault he had this "problem" and that because it was my fault I could fix it. I was so very wrong.

Part of the reason I had felt that it was my fault was because I had suggested we watch a few pornographic movies together to "spice up" our love life when we had been married a few years. Partly because I felt things were off there and I wanted to connect with him through sex and thought that this would help. It didn't, and I quickly realized that I felt degraded and used because of it. The biggest reason I felt like it was my fault though was because of not feeling like I was enough. I "if only'd" myself constantly. "If only I was skinnier." "If only I kept the house cleaner." "If only I initiated sex more." "If only I made more money." The list could go on and on, needless to say I felt worthless. I honestly thought that if I changed my behaviors and made his life easier he wouldn't turn to porn and masturbation instead of me. I was wrong here too.

As the years went on B. got stealthier about hiding his acting out. I would start to feel in my gut that he was acting out again. I would confront him and he would lie to my face and hide any acting out he was doing. I would then think "Gosh, that feeling must be wrong." So then I would play detective and most of the time I could find no proof of anything which only reinforced the feeling of not being able to "trust my gut" (which I now know to have been Heavenly Father prompting me through the Holy Ghost). I stopped asking after a while and most of the time stopped looking for proof because I just couldn't find it, so I figured I would live with how I felt. Instead of living with it though, I numbed it through food, reading and tv watching. I didn't want to think or feel, so I did whatever I could to avoid it.

There was even a period of a few years where I figured "Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I watched porn with him, I participated in sexual acts I wasn't comfortable with, I read pornographic books, and I even went to a strip show with him. None of these things are things I am proud of, and are things that I will NEVER repeat again. At the point I was at in my marriage though, it was the only way I knew to have any sort of connection with my husband.

Probably the hardest thing about this addiction (which we didn't realize was an addiction until the last few years) was that I lived in shame and isolation. I was so ashamed of not being enough, and so worried about people judging B. and I that I didn't tell anyone. B. forbade me from telling anyone but I didn't want to anyway. Because of this huge part of my life that was so full of shame and fear, I lived alone with the pain. I did my best to numb it and forget about it, but it was this huge hole in the middle of me that I was always trying to cover up. It was a lot of work to keep it hidden so I isolated myself emotionally and never let people get too close. I was so alone and so afraid.

I clearly remember the promptings I had to tell someone, it took two weekends and a prompting that was almost physically audible for me to have enough courage to share with one person. She is my friend and also my sister-in-law. It was a Sunday afternoon and I finally told her. I said, "I don't know why I was supposed to tell you but I know that I needed to." Her reply was, "So you don't have to be alone anymore." I thought that was true...for three whole days. She called me in tears that Wednesday after finding porn sites in her browser history. She wanted me to tell her it could be something else, that her husband hadn't looked at porn, but I couldn't I just knew. I will never forget how it felt to know that someone else understood how I was feeling. I was so sad and yet so relieved and validated. I thought, "Now I'm not alone." It was a powerful feeling...but it still took me 2 more years to tell anyone else.

When I started on my journey to recovery almost 2 years ago now, I had no idea what hard work it was going to be, I also didn't know that recovery was necessary for me too. I went into it thinking, "If he would just stop, then we would be better." I had no idea how far from the truth that was. It wasn't until I heard about Betrayal Trauma that things started to really click for me. Betrayal Trauma is a specific form of PTSD that comes from being with a sex addict (in all reality porn addiction is just a form of sex addiction...same disease different drug). At first I thought, "There is no freaking way I have PTSD. That is just not me." I was wrong yet again. I have some pretty significant trauma from years and years of being betrayed and lied to. I have worked really hard to find peace amidst the trauma and I have found a significant amount of peace. I still have a lot of work to do and I now know that recovery is a life-long journey and not a sprint to the finish line. I will be working my recovery for the rest of my life...I know as the years pass recovery activities will become more automatic (several of them already are) and that triggers will become fewer and farther apart. I will never be done healing though.

One of the biggest blessings I have gained through recovery is the ability to share my story when I have felt prompted. I am no longer in hiding. I don't share with everyone, only those that have earned the right to hear it and who Heavenly Father has prompted me to share with. Because of my ability to now own and share my story, I have found some of the most amazing women I have ever met in my life. The recovery community is strong and growing. There is room here for anyone that needs it. I have friends now that completely understand and support me and whom I never would've met otherwise. I have found love, support and acceptance. It has been HUGE for me. I have also been able to share with others in my life and have found so much love and support that I never expected. Heavenly Father has truly blessed me with amazing friends.

It has been almost two years ago now since I started my journey to recovery and I still have a long ways to go. You know what though? I am stronger than I remember being. You want to hear the most remarkable part for me though? I have more faith that I have EVER had in my life. This battle has helped me to learn to rely on my Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of my brother Jesus Christ. They have been there for me every step of the way through this journey, even when I haven't been aware of them...I have never been alone. They have sent people into my life that I would never have met if it weren't for my recovery activities. They have answered prayers almost before I could say them. They have pointed me in directions I would not have chosen on my own. More than anything I have an inner peace that I have never known before. I know who I am...I am T and I am strong. I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and KNOWS me. He knows the feelings I am feeling and the battle I am facing and he understands. He knows just what I need when I need it and I have learned to recognize those gifts in my life.

My story does not end here, but rather it is just beginning.

Sincerely,

T.

Boundaries, Compassion and Trusting My Gut

As Thanksgiving winds down and we head into Christmas, I am at peace emotionally with where I am but I am struggling physically. I have been sick for over three weeks now and I just don't seem to be getting better. I think that my body has just had enough emotional stress and is trying to get me to slow down and recover a bit. I am doing my best to listen.

As I mentioned in my last post, I realized that my boundaries had been slipping and that I needed to reinforce them. I have done a good job at this and have been feeling a lot more peace the last couple of weeks. My amazing LifeStar leader said something in group a couple of weeks back to the effect of, "Boundaries allow us to have compassion." At first it took me a bit to accept and understand this, but it now makes sense to me. When I let my boundaries slide, I have no emotional room for compassion for B., I am too emotionally spent trying to stay out of trauma. However, when I hold my boundaries firm, I am able to look at things with a bit more perspective and realize that B. is struggling too. It doesn't mean I allow my boundaries to go more lax in order to make things "easier" for him. It means I am better able to cope with my trauma and not react to him. I am better able to cope and not go into victim, rescue or persecute mode. I am able to take care of me and allow my husband the room to take care of himself, or not take care of himself whichever the case may be.

I have also realized that my trip to the Temple and the confirmation from Heavenly Father that I need to hold on a bit longer, came at just the time I needed it to. I needed that sure knowledge that I was making the right decision to let B. stay and have an "in-house separation" to the best of our ability. Heavenly Father knew I needed that because it was going to be tested.

I have felt for weeks that B. has been acting out and lying to me about it. That he has been hiding things. I have told him this multiple times, I have asked him multiple times if he was acting-out and lying. Each time I got the response that no he wasn't acting out, and that he was sorry I felt like he was hiding something. Well guess what? I was right. He HAS been acting out for weeks and he HAS been lying to me. This has been going on for WEEKS.

I am so grateful for the increased faith I have found through this struggle. Without it I would never have had the strength to weather that confession. I think I would've crumbled if it weren't for the faith I have found in Heavenly Father and his timing. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. It hurts so much that at times I physically ache. My chest hurts and my stomach wrenches itself in knots. At those times especially though, I am still able to feel the love Heavenly Father has for me and it helps.

It's the lies that hurt the very most. I keep thinking we are past the lies and then *BOOM* here they come again. It's like being shot at just as the last wound is closing up. The thing that is so hard is that he hasn't just been lying to me, he has been lying to his LifeStar group, his personal therapist, and our couples therapist. He would sit in couples therapy and tell our therapist how angry I am and how bullied he feels by me. It hurt so much and was so triggering but I honestly took it as feedback and looked at and am working on changing my own behavior. The whole time he was acting out and lying to me and I could feel it and my trauma was running so high, yet he continued to play the victim.

I am continuing to lean on Heavenly Father's counsel and guidance. I am continuing to work my recovery. I am trusting my gut. I am holding my boundaries. I am finding compassion. I am strong. I am resilient. I am fighting. My husband's choices and actions do not reflect my worth. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and because of that I have worth. I am learning to love myself, maybe for the first time in my life.

Holding strong,

T.

Aching

I've been visibly absent here for over a month. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I haven't been taking care of myself. I have slipped in my recovery. Tonight though, I need to write. I guess I should say, in the wee hours of morning I NEED to write. There is something inside of me that has to come out, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I just have to write. Bear with me because my soul needs to be heard.

B. is not in recovery, he's not sober, maybe from pornography and masturbation, but he isn't sober. He is numbing out in other ways. Computer, t.v., sleep, hobbies. He isn't working on becoming sober either. He is hiding behind blame, anger, hurt and perceived rejection. He feels that this week he has finally found what the root of his problem is, and maybe he has. I hope so for his sake, but I am having an impossible time finding compassion for him. My heart is broken and my insides are raw, but all he can see is how poorly I treat him, which isn't entirely wrong. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't take any more hurt either.

Tonight I was watching a Christian movie called The Song. It's about a man of faith who goes the way of fame and all that that often entails. Without divulging too much of the movies plot, at the very end he says to his wife, "You are enough." I cried. How long have I waited to hear those words and truly feel that they were honest? How much have I ached to feel that I am enough for my husband? Our entire marriage, that's how long. I have waited almost twenty-one years to feel that I am enough for the man that I chose as my eternal companion. I want to be done waiting. I asked to be done waiting, but His answer was, "Not yet, hold on a little longer." That was not the answer I wanted, it hurts too much, but it's the answer I received.

I have caused much of my own pain the last few weeks because I have slipped back into old patterns. I have let my boundaries slip because I just wanted to connect to B. I have rescued. I have compromised myself by being intimate because he wanted to, even though I didn't want to. I have done all of this in the hope that he would just see me. Why? Why did I do these things when they haven't worked for twenty years? I don't know. Okay, well I guess I do know. I desperately want my marriage to be happy and for my husband to love me. I want to feel that I matter to him. I don't feel that way and he told me himself that I don't. It was probably the most honest thing he has said to me, maybe ever. He didn't say it in a mean way, or in anger. He was right, I don't matter to him, because he is broken. My question is, how long to I have to wait to matter? How long am I supposed to stay in a marriage with a man that I don't matter to..."...a little longer." was the answer I got.

It's been heavy on my mind this week to ask for a separation, and for B. to leave the house. I have agonized over it. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my counselor and my group about it. I have prayed and prayed, talked to Heavenly Father and prayed some more. I felt that I knew the answer was that I needed to uphold some boundaries and "hold on a little longer." I knew that was my answer, and I went to the Temple today and received confirmation of that answer. Either way there wasn't a good answer for me. Either way my heart is breaking. Either way I am hurting. I have faith in Him and his timing, and so for now I am here and I am working.

I am enough for Him and for now, that has to be enough for me.

Achingly,

T.

Resigned

The words are running around in my head, but they just won't come out tonight. I have so much that I am struggling with right now that I want to put words to, but I just can't pin them down. I guess I should say, I can't pin down how to say what is in my heart without sounding like a complaining and naggy victim. Maybe that's my answer, but my heart is so heavy right now I just need to somehow unburden a bit of it. 

B. said something to me today that made me wonder if our marriage can ever be repaired. He said (I'm paraphrasing), "I guess that you just aren't what I want you to be." It really struck a nerve because that's what I have felt our entire marriage, that somehow I don't measure up, that I'm not enough. It hurts so much to hear him actually say it. 

I feel like what he would like me to be is a Stepford Wife. I feel like he thinks he would be happy if I enjoyed everything he enjoys, always wanted to participate in whatever recreation is his current passion, fulfilled his porn-fuled sexual fantasies, cooked his dinner every night, kept the house clean and worked to support him so he wouldn't ever have to. He denied that that's what he wants when I replied that way to him earlier, but it FEELS that way to me. That's all I have to go on, how I feel. 

The blame has been heaped on me pretty thickly this week. I am getting blamed for some of the most ridiculous things by the shovelful. I am having a hard time finding my way out of the pile of crap I'm getting buried under. I am so tired of getting blamed for not being supportive enough of his recovery. I'm apparently not making his recovery easy enough on him. 

After a session with my counselor last week and some prayer and pondering on my part, I turned control of B.'s phone back over to him. I unblocked some of the restrictions (like downloading apps and the internet), although I left the internet filtered. I also told him the passcode for the restrictions so that he can control them himself (which ironically is our wedding anniversary). He admitted to me yesterday morning that he has been very tempted to act out now that he has more access, which I wasn't surprised by. During that discussion it came out that part of the reason we had been sexually intimate the morning before was because he had been fighting the temptation to act out and had instead woken me up early on Saturday so we could be intimate. I was crushed. When I told him how hurt I am, his response was to ask me why I had given him back control of his phone. WHAT?!? He wants me to trust him, but then blames me because he can't be trusted? I am hurt and angry to say the least.

Earlier in the week I falsely accused B. of acting out. I was able to verify that it was a false accusation and I apologized. B. said he understood that I don't trust him because he hasn't been trustworthy in the past, that was HUGE. Let me repeat, THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME! He actually took responsibility for how his actions had impacted our marriage. I was so grateful and I told him so a couple of times. Before I was able to verify that it was a false accusation I had written him a letter telling him that he had basically two weeks to find a place to live and be out. This may seem drastic, but it wasn't for me and it felt like what I needed to do. It hurt. It still hurts to think that I may have to ask him to leave. I don't want that, but I can't live like this anymore. What I don't understand is why, when he knows the consequences of him acting out, doesn't he fight harder for himself and for us? Why is his own selfish behavior more important that we are?

The message that I keep getting from B. is that I don't matter, I'm not worth fighting for. That not only am I not worth fighting for but that somehow I am to blame for that fact. The "if only's" are ringing out loud and clear ("if only" I could do this, "if only" I didn't do this). His mouth keeps saying that that isn't the truth, but his actions scream loudly that it is. I keep getting bombarded with the message that I'm not enough and that I don't matter and then told that I have to work harder to make it easier for him and fight harder for our marriage. He has asked me repeatedly why he should work so hard to fight for someone that is so angry all the time. Why? I guess only he can answer that. I'll be honest, I'm about done fighting, I'm about ready to lay it all down and call it unwinable. I am about to admit defeat to Satan and congratulate him on being able to tear apart another family. 

Resignedly,

T.

Recent Reading

A large part of my time in recovery has been spent reading recovery books. I have read so much in my LifeStar workbooks as well as books written on recovery and other self-help books in general, they have helped me understand and heal. I have a hard time digesting the books in large pieces, so it usually takes me a while to get through even a small one. It also means that I am often reading more than one.

I recently finished "What Can I do About Him Me?" by Rhyll Crowshaw. This book is fantastic for the recovering spouse. She talks about her own journey through recovery and what helped her. It isn't a long book and it has so much great information. If you want to buy it you can get it here.

I have been working reading "Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I'm sure I have mentioned it before, because I have been reading it for a really long time. The main reason it is taking me so long is because once I start reading I can't put it down and I don't often have time to get lost in a book like that. She is so funny, relatable, authentic, full of faith and just plain fun to read. Every time I read this book I get out a pen and highlighter. I have NEVER written or highlighted in a book that wasn't meant for that purpose (i.e.. a text book or workbook), but there is so much to love in her book that I can't help it.

The other book I am currently reading was given to me by a friend for Christmas. She saw the authors on a t.v. show talking about how they wrote it and KNEW that both of us HAD to have it. I am only a few pages in and so far it's fantastic. It is called "Gratitude & Trust: Six Affirmations That Will Change Your Life" by Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson. I read something in there tonight that I want to share. I give full credit for this to the authors and hope that it helps someone else.

"It all starts with honesty. If you're not honest with yourself, how can you be truly honest with anyone else? We spend a lot of energy fooling ourselves, covering for ourselves, and projecting an image that is in opposition of what's actually going on. There is such and emphasis on perfection in our society that we are all terrified of not meeting the standards that we either self-imposed or assume the world is expecting of us. Changing that begins with honesty: being honest about who you are, where you are, what you feel, what you want, and where you might have dropped the ball. Honesty is not only the best policy, it's the starting line of getting through the race of life as smoothly as possible

Purity in many ways is the cousin of honesty. Once you have decided to embrace honesty and let that be the controlling dynamic of your life, you must be pure to that concept. The definition of purity is cleanliness, transparency. So by following the path of purity, you keep your house clean your personal life clean. You maintain transparency about your misdeeds and mistakes because when you're being transparent, you're being honest. And when we're honest, we have nothing to hide from ourselves and others. Addicts of all sorts spend their lives covering their tracks. But any of us who merely have dents in our character - which we all do - spend a lot of our lives trying to mask them, hide from them, numb them, and beat them into oblivion. Think about how much more time you will have to do the things you want and be the person you want when you are not constantly running from your reality trying to cover up the things you don't want to be or do." (personal note: I disregarded the part about the clean house, for me, being in trauma and/or working on recovery means that my house isn't clean. The common areas are picked up and clean much of the time, but there is clutter everywhere. I'm working on this, but it's not a realistic expectation for myself right now.)

Honesty and Purity, or as they defined it, Transparency. Those are the things I strive for in my life, from myself and from B. I want to be honest with him and transparent. I don't want him to question my motives or actions. He does question them a lot, and I am working on being honest about my true feelings with both him and myself. I am also working on giving him transparency into those feelings so that he will know that I AM fighting for us and I DO want to fight to stay together.

There is a lot of push back and pain on his side when I tell him honestly how I am feeling and remain strong in holding my boundaries. He doesn't always LIKE what I tell him and sometimes he leaves our discussions hurting. It is NEVER my intention to inflict pain on him and the pain he feels right now is a result of his actions, not my holding the boundaries around them. I don't want him to hurt and for a lot of years I have tried to protect both of us from it by not acknowledging it. That didn't help either one of us, in fact it caused both of us more pain. I am working on that every.single.day. I am working not to rescue B and to let him feel that pain and work through it. It is really hard for me to watch. If he could honestly heal and find recovery AND do it pain-free, I would help him find that path. It's just not possible to get to the road of recovery (for either of us) without passing through pain.

I am still walking a line between compassion, rescuing and holding healthy boundaries. I ask, ponder, pray, seek and do it all over again every day, several times a day to make sure that I am doing what is best for both of us. I am asking my Father in Heaven to guide me on a path that shows enough compassion without rescuing B and while still maintaining healthy boundaries. It is a fine line, but the longer I walk it the wider it grows and the easier it is to stay on the path. I ask myself the question, what is my motive behind saying/doing this? If the answer isn't that I am doing it to help us heal then it's the wrong thing to say or do and I need to go back and rethink it.

I love my husband very much. I feel that love for him more today than I have in years, maybe ever. I can't however, continue to be betrayed and hurt over and over and over again and so for now I wait. I pray. I have faith. I accept. That's all I can do (besides working on my own recovery). It bears repeating, I love my husband. I want more than anything to find recovery WITH him by my side, holding his hand and fighting together. Please if you have a minute, send up a prayer for us, we could really use it right now.

Transparently Honest,

T.

P.S. I get ABSOLUTELY NO KICKBACK from these books. I just want to share the resources that have helped me. If they don't work for you, that's ok, if you do find them helpful, that's great! If you have others you'd like to share with me, email me or leave them in the comments.

Boundaries and A Celebration

As I mentioned in my last post, I had to enforce boundaries because B acted out. I asked him to sleep on the couch for the night. As I turned my pain over to God and prayed for guidance, I really felt impressed to let him know that he will be sleeping there indefinitely. It was actually pretty tough to tell him that. I don't like having him on the couch. I really felt (and still do feel) strongly that the couch is his bed for now. Boundaries are really hard for me to enforce but I really do feel less resentful and fearful when I enforce them. I can even go so far as to say that they help me find peace. On Thursday B even told me that he was glad that I enforced my boundaries even though it was hard for both of us.

Today, I really had to enforce a boundary for myself and for him. It was very hard for both of us. It may seem small to some, but it was a big deal for me. I have always worked hard to get all of us, including B, out the door to church every Sunday. B has done better at being ready and even helping me get everyone out the door lately. Today, however, he fell asleep mid-morning and didn't set an alarm. I was going to wake him up to get ready and really felt impressed to hold firm on my boundary not to remind him to actively work recovery, which to me includes getting himself to church. I didn't wake him up and he didn't wake up until 12:30 and we have church at 1:00. He said, "Well, I guess I'm not going to Sacrament Meeting." My response was, "You know what time church starts."It was said with a touch of sarcasm, which was a poor response on my part, that I later apologized for. The intent was good, the execution a little lacking. We were able to talk a little while about how my enforcing that boundary wasn't me being vindictive or mean (even though my words said otherwise), but rather me holding him accountable for his behavior, which in the long run is better for both of us. Boundaries are tough to navigate sometimes, but when I examine my motives and decide that I am not being reactionary or punishing, they really do help me grow and find healing.

It was B's birthday on Friday. I decided on Friday morning that I was going celebrate the goodness in my husband. His family didn't always have huge birthday celebrations, and mine did. Birthdays are a big deal to me, so I decided to show him that I really do love him and that I want to celebrate him. I worked hard to do things that I knew mattered to him. I made sure the dishes were done and the house picked up, which always helps him. I took him to lunch in between a counseling and doctor's appointments for both of us. I also took home his favorite restaurant for dinner, which we never eat at because I hate it. It was a good day, for both of us.

I also planned a surprise dinner and invited some of our friends over for Saturday night. I love stuff like that and thought he would too. He didn't enjoy it and I appreciate him letting me know that. When he finally broke it down it was for a couple of reasons. The biggest one was that he doesn't feel worthy of being celebrated by others. That just made me sad. As much as we struggle and as hard of a time as I have at separating my husband from him addiction, he still deserves to be celebrated. Everyone does.

I love my husband enough to be able to enforce boundaries AND celebrate him. I love him enough to hold him accountable. I love him enough to have an ernest desire to see him find true recovery for himself, because HE deserves it.

Celebrating boundaries,

T.

A Week of Up and Down

I have a lot to say today because I have been putting off blogging as it has been a crazy week, and I wanted to do some reflection before I wrote it out. I am not sure if it will end up being one post or more, so buckle in while it pours itself out.

This week I got an email from one of my virtual support friends. In it she asked me a question that I had to really think about. She asked about how I feel about my relationship with B? Wow, I guess I don't really talk about that much here, but when we check in every night I try to honestly evaluate that. The answer varies but all-in-all underlying it is two main emotions, resignation and acceptance. Those might not sound like very affirming emotions, but to me they are. I have reluctantly accepted that this is the course our relationship has to take right now and I have accepted that whatever happens it is in Heavenly Father's hands. I am reluctant to hope for healing right now because it hurts so much each time that hope is squashed. I am reluctant to give my whole heart to B until he has shown he can take care of it. I have accepted that B knows what I need to continue working on healing our marriage and that it is up to him to either work on those or not.  I have accepted that I too have flaws and am actively working on those. I have accepted that this process is time consuming, hard and long and that the timing is not up to me entirely (the only part I have control over is how actively I work my own recovery). I have accepted that I need to work my own recovery and healing and that my relationship will never be able to heal if I don't do those things. I have been reluctant to turn my fears about my marriage over to God but I have accepted that as I have done so, I have had peace. So for now, I am reluctantly accepting that we are on this journey and it is a process that is ever changing and evolving as we both learn and grow.

The next part I have to preface with a little bit of my own personal history. I was truly blessed to be able to live my entire life, until I got married, in the same house. What this meant was that because my family, and others like us, chose to stay grounded in one home I have friends that I don't remember meeting, we have literally been friends our entire lives. We firmly believe that before we came to Earth we were bound together in Heaven. I don't know what I would've done without these friends. One of these dear friend's husband has been valiantly and with all his might, fighting cancer for about the last five years. I found out from her sister on Tuesday that he was back in the hospital and that they were having to make some hard decisions because there are no more treatment options available. Ultimately they decided that he would come home and they would do what they could to keep him comfortable. She is only forty years old and he a few years older! Nobody should have to make those excruciating decisions at such a young age (or ever)! Wednesday I was aching so much for my friend. All I wanted was to be able to do something to help ease her pain. Part of the problem is that we are now more than four hours apart and so it wasn't physically feasible for me to be there. I have arranged what I could through others, I have reached out through text and phone to let her know I'm thinking about her. I have prayed for both her and her husband. But what I really needed Wednesday was to be held and allowed to cry and grieve for my friend and for the heartache I am feeling for her and for my own feelings of helplessness at easing her burden. I needed that from B. I needed him to be able to sit with me in my pain and hold me and be strong for me. He couldn't because he chose to act out twice on Wednesday. It hurt so much more knowing that I literally had nobody to hold me, nobody to comfort me physically at least. After a good long cry and some fervent prayer, I felt held and comforted by my Father in Heaven. His love was evident to me that night.

While I still find myself spilling tears around this event, I have found so much peace this week and it has been so healing. I still cry off and on for my friend, my heart is just aching for her and her little family. I am crying for all the times that I have had to be strong for myself and my family, because I had nobody else to turn to. I cry because the pain of the betrayal of all the things we have lost to this damn addiction make my grief come in waves. Sometimes I just cry because it feels good to let that pain go. For so many years I have not let myself feel the pain and it really feels good to be able to let it go (and I'm really sorry if you are singing that silly song from Frozen in your head now). This whole process is painful, but I know on the other side I will come out stronger for it.

All of that grief and sadness aside, there was one positive in the whole thing, I saw tangible evidence of recovery from B. He DID act out twice on Wednesday, and I DID take it personally as his choice of his addiction over me (I'll get to that in a minute), BUT he TOOK ACCOUNTABILITY for it! When I came home and he knew I needed comfort and to be held, before he reached out and gave me that he told me about his acting out. He knew it would hurt me and that I would be upset, but he also knew that if he allowed himself to provide me the comfort that I needed physically and emotionally and THEN told me or let me find out the truth, that I would feel so much more betrayed. He was 100% right. If i had found out after the fact that he allowed himself to act the part of a supportive husband all while withholding the truth from me, I would feel so much more betrayed. It is painful that he chose to act out and therefore was not a safe person to share my grief with. I will not however, fault him for telling me, that is progress and that is what I need to see.

Here's where I tell you about me taking his slip as a personal affront and about my LifeStar group calling me on my shit in a loving and compassionate way. What I said was "It just hurts so much that he chose his addiction over me." One of my group members asked our leader if sex addiction was the same as drug addiction and sometimes just not within your control. She was going to let it slide that night as I was so upset, but I'm glad she didn't. She reinforced gently the things I already know but had chosen to ignore at that particular moment. Logically I know that he got to a point (after not actively working recovery for a few weeks and not reaching out and using his tools) where acting out was pretty much inevitable. He was too far overcome by his addiction to find his way out at that moment. I know his brain is broken and that he was in addict mode with no way out that he could find at that particular moment. That in no way excuses his actions. He is still responsible ultimately, because he chose to not actively work on his recovery and to not reach out. He chose to not use his tools. But that choice was made weeks before that day. He still chose not to fight, but it wasn't that day that the choice was made. I love having people in my life that can safely call me on my shit and help me pull myself out of victim mode. It really is an amazing warrior community that I am surrounded by!

I have more to tell you, but no time to tell it right now. In my next post I will try to remember to tell you about enforcing my boundaries and B's birthday this week.

Accepting with resignation,

T.

Check-In

For a while now we have been doing a nightly (or near nightly) check-in to see where we are and what our days have been like. We have tried using the AEIOU check-in that Rhyll Crowshaw suggests in her book and adding the S for spirituality as suggested by Harriet at AWife Redeeemed.  (If you click on the link attached to "adding the S for spirituality, Harriet explains it well). It didn't work as well as we wanted it to, so we tried another acronym that we found somewhere (sorry I can't remember where it came from). That wasn't great either. We liked pieces of both of them but neither seemed to be exactly what we were looking for. Lately we have been just using a basic list in our head to check-in with but it still wasn't getting to the meat of things the way I wanted it to.

This is what I came up with tonight. It worked better than the others for us while incorporating pieces of each of them. Check-in tonight was heavy but I felt like we started to get some real communication going. It will probably need some changes but seems to work for now. 

REASSESR

Recovery-

What did I do for recovery today? Did I have any slips?

Emotions -

What emotions did I feel today? How did I handle them?

Affirmation -

What is something I appreciate about my spouse today?

Service/Others-

What service did I perform today? What did I do for others?

Self-Care-

What did I do to take care of myself today?

Exercise/Physically-

What exercise did I get today? How do I feel physically?

Spiritually-

Did I feel The Spirit today? What did I do to increase my spirituality today? What do I need to do to feel it if I haven’t?

Relationally/Sexually-

How am I feeling about our relationship? How am I feeling sexually?

What do you think? Do you have a check-in that you use that works well. Do you check-in? I'd love thoughts and feed back.

I Know That Feeling

My parents have been here visiting for the last two days. I love my parents very much and would be lost without them, but sometimes they are not the easiest people to be around. They are very much afraid of what others will think. They have always had impossibly hight standards and are very critical of anyone they don't feel measures up. Well a porn addict certainly wouldn't measure up…and neither would his wife. I don't like that I feel that way about my parents, but they have proven over time not to be safe people to be vulnerable with about the deepest, scariest parts of my life. It goes without saying then, we haven't told them about B's addiction.

My parents know we are struggling and that our relationship is fragile right now. They know we are spending time in groups and therapy. As far as they know we are just working through some issues. For now, that's the way it needs to be. I can't take the pressure of wondering how they would react while trying to work on my recovery.

That background is needed when I tell you I had to work through my panic at the thought of seeing them yesterday. I love my parents and I love being able to see them. I realized on the way home from work yesterday that I was panicking. I was able to calm myself through some deep breathing and work through it. As part of that I was trying to pin point why I was so anxious to see them…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'M KEEPING A SECRET!

Holy cow! Is this how B felt all the time while keeping his secret? I have known for years about his addiction, even if I didn't realize it was an addiction. But, nobody knew so I was keeping the secret from everybody, not just two of the most important people in my life. It is so crazy how much of a difference that makes. I am keeping a HUGE secret from two of my most important people. It hurts. It is panic inducing. I HATE doing it…but it is necessary…for now at least. I have to get some more healing under my belt first. 

I HATE SECRETS! I hope that I can work through this issue soon.

Secretly,

T

Realizations: Part 1

I have had a few lightbulb moments lately and I want to share a couple small ones with you.

The first realization hit me last weekend. It was like a totally "aha" moment. I realized that my healing is further along than I thought (at least for the present moment). I was thinking about the last time I had a full-on panic attack and realized it was the day after disclosure almost a month before and it only lasted about thirty seconds or so before I was able to calm myself. I don't remember the last time before that. You don't realize how HUGE that is for me. It's monumental. I have been having panic attacks for the last four years, seemingly out of nowhere (although since I am now learning about Betrayal Trauma I realize where they come from). These would sometimes happen a couple of times a day. It has been awful…especially since I used to be a pretty laid back person. It was such a relief to realize that I am able to better control my reactions. 

Last Saturday B decided to take a nap for half an hour. He said he would set his alarm and get up. Well, I heard his alarm go off and he turned it off and went back to sleep. When he finally got up two and half hours later, he said, "You should've gotten me up sooner." My only response was, "Not my job, you're a grown up." While that may seem like a perfectly normal response in a healthy relationship, it was not a normal response for me. The pre-recovery work me would've bugged and nagged him to get up. Then when he didn't I would've done the work I had planned to do but would've made as much noise slamming doors and stomping around as I could. Saturday, I didn't. I wasn't walking around on tip toes but I wasn't stomping either. I just went about doing what I had planned and figured he'd get up when he was ready. I didn't own his oversleeping and I didn't get into drama because of it. It was absolutely fan-freaking-tastic to feel so in control of how I reacted. (That doesn't mean that I was ok with his behavior, I did disconnect emotionally but in a way that said, I'm not okay with that behavior but I will not own it)

I can't tell you how absolutely empowering it is to feel like I'm in control of how I react. It feels like I have been set free from a monstrous burden that I was carrying and felt so out of control of. I absolutely love it! It's signs of progress for me and I will take any sign I can find that I am starting to heal!

A little lighter,

T.

Rescuing vs. Compassion/Empathy

One of the things we learned about in Phase I of LifeStar is the Drama Triangle. If you don't know what that is you can learn more here. Basically it talks about how when we enter drama or conflict we often assume a certain role most often or have a couple we switch back and forth between. The three rolls are victim, rescuer and persecutor. Hands down I am a rescuer. I have actually known that about myself for a very long time. What I struggle with the most is how to break out of that. How do I not be a rescuer? Where is the balance between rescuing someone (especially B) and having compassion on them. I am sincerely struggling with this.

I have really tried to recognize lately when we are in drama and do my best to walk away from it. I am not always successful. I have slipped into both persecutor and victim roles easily lately and I think it's partly in an effort to stay out of the role of rescuer. I am just really struggling to find the balance between being compassionate while holding B accountable and rescuing him. I have most often been the one to step in and rescue him by being the first to make an attempt to make up. Usually through a physical gesture or sexual overture. I often will be the one who takes care of a lot of the responsibilities to keep the family running. I was always so hungry for peace and connection that I rushed in to achieve that in any way possible. I have stopped doing that.

I have asked B repeatedly for what I need right now to feel safe and start to trust. He can't say that he doesn't know, yet he maintains that he isn't giving me those things because I am just so angry all the time. We are back to the chicken and the egg dilemma. How do we separate the chicken and the egg and get out of this cycle?

I could go back to always being the first to apologize and reach out in a physical display of affection. The problem with that is that I don't feel safe, loved or cherished and I have no desire to keep sharing myself physically when I feel so unimportant to B. I really want him to stop giving me half hearted apologies and show me that he loves and appreciates me and that he is committed to recovery.  Until that happens I don't see myself being willing to take down any walls.

B feels like because I am trying to get out of the role of rescuer that I have stepped in to the role of persecutor and that I am nothing but angry all the time. That may be true. I am frequently angry, but even I can see that is covering up the hurt underneath. Because B feels that I have been giving him nothing but anger, I tried being vulnerable last night. I tried sharing some of the pain I was feeling and a realization that hit me yesterday. He listened and I felt like he was digesting it and working through it, but today I feel like that never happened. He keeps telling me that he knows this is really hard on me and that he understand my hurt, but he isn't making any strong work to help lift that burden at all. I tried to share that burden last night and it seemed like he helped carry it then, but I'm left holding it all again today. I'm exhausted from carrying the burden. I need a partner. I need a helpmeet. I need a husband who loves and cherishes me to help me carry the load. Right now, I don't have that.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how I can show B compassion without rescuing him I would love to hear them. I'm am emotionally and physically wrung out and I don't know how to move forward.

Former rescuer seeking compassion,

T.

It's A New Year

Happy New Year to y'all. Well, it's a new year at any rate. I am hoping that this coming year brings more happiness than the last one has, because I am ready for it. It seems that the moments of true joy and happiness are so fleeting that I struggle to remember them in between.

I have really been struggling since disclosure. I didn't think it was going to impact me the way it has. Actually, that's not true, I DID expect it to impact me a great deal, but I also had high expectations that after disclosure B would really start working hard on recovery. If I was being completely honest, I would say I have really taken a few steps back in my recovery because of the combination of disclosure and my own lack of diligence in working my recovery. I can own that I haven't been very diligent in my recovery work and it has helped to impede my progress.

Right now my heart is aching, truly physically aching. I really, sincerely believed that once disclosure was over things would be different. B would feel lighter because he wasn't holding things back or hiding them anymore. I would feel more determined to work on my recovery because this is where I could start working on healing our relationship. Neither of those things has happened. Neither one of us has really actively been working recovery. Neither one of us wants to reach out to the other.

After disclosure I put my walls partially back up. It didn't hurt as bad at first as I anticipated it would and I even wanted to be held and comforted by B. I think he took that to mean that it was going to be as bad as it got. I tried to break it to him that it was probably going to hit me later and that the hardest was probably still yet to come. Apparently either he didn't think that was the case or I didn't clearly communicate that, because he truly didn't think it was going to get worse. When it did get worse and I had an entire week where I cried pretty much all the time and just wanted him to be the strong one and take care of me, it didn't happen. He made it about him and how hurt he was by my pain and anger. How it made him feel shame when I got angry about things that have happened and how much recovery it costing us in time and money. That's when the walls went all the way back up and haven't come down.

Maybe part of me was trying to punish him, make him feel some of the pain that I am feeling. In all honesty, I don't want to intentionally hurt or shame him. I honestly don't want to cause him hurt, but by hiding the pain from everyone for so many years I haven't let myself feel it. It's going to take time and work, and a lot of it, to be able to heal and feel safety and trust again. I am committed to working on my own recovery, but our recovery as a couple is on hold for now until I see the actions that will help me to feel safe and start to rebuild trust.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that B is not committed to working his recovery to heal himself. He flat out told me that he doesn't know what he is working on recovery for because I am not showing him love (I am paraphrasing, but the sentiment is still the same). I told him that he couldn't work recovery for us, he has to work on his own healing first. He doesn't think it's worth it, it's not enough he told me, to work on it for himself, he has to see some civility and compassion from me. That scares the SHIT out of me (pardon my language). He will never fully be in recovery if that's why he is doing it. He has to want to heal his own heart, mind and spirit before he can truly work on our healing as a couple. This has been my biggest fear going into recovery, that B won't want to get better unless I work to heal us as a couple. I can't do that right now. I have to be able to see action on his part before I can work on our healing as a couple. It's quite a stalemate we have. I can't lower my walls and let him in and he won't work on recovery because I won't lower my walls and be vulnerable. I don't know where we go from here as a couple. I know where I need to go and I am honestly getting my map out and working on heading that direction. B will have to make his own decision.

Heartbroken but recommitted,

T.

Triggers, Triggers, Everywhere!

Today has been a day FULL of triggers and I have not handled it as well as I would've liked. I'm not exactly sure why there were so many triggering things in my day today, but if I had to put money down on something it would be lack of sleep. I have had some late nights and busy days and it has led to complete physical exhaustion. I am just plain worn out and so I haven't handled my triggers as well as sometimes do.

If you are easily triggered by others experiences, consider yourself warned not to read any farther. I need to write about some of today's triggers and process them and how I handled them.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas time! I love that we get to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I  think I've said this before, if not I'm saying it now, nothing speaks to me as easily as music. I can be touched by almost any emotion more easily and effectively through music. I should come as no surprise to me then that music can sometimes easily trigger me. Today it was about a particular artist who also happens to be an actress and one of B's favorites. I don't know if she has ever starred in his fantasies, but it's a wager that I would feel safe taking to say she has. When B's playlist played a song by this particular artist I made him change it because it triggered me.

One of my all time favorite things about Christmas is finding THAT gift. You know, the one that you know they will absolutely love. Well after five hours of shopping with my teenager we have almost covered everyone on our list. One of the things we were shopping for was makeup for me (my parents send us money to shop for ourselves every year). I have not been much or a makeup wearer for years. It's just too much effort most of the time and, if I was being completely transparent here, I would admit part of it was that I figured no matter how beautiful I looked, it wasn't me that B wanted. It was triggering to buy makeup for Pete's sake!

Here's my biggest trigger though, spending time in civil conversation with a friend of ours who is an "addict in recovery" (my opinion, he's not in recovery but it's only my observation which is admittedly tainted by the trauma). Here is what was so triggering for me. He said something to the effect that he thinks he and his wife were raised completely differently because she was raised that you made a list of your wants for Christmas and that he was raised to make a list knowing that it was a wish list and that you weren't going to get everything on it. Well…no s**t Sherlock! Give that boy a medal! He said that she never liked what he gets for her. He also said that she never liked what he picks out for her for Christmas and later that he picks out stuff for her because he likes it because that's what he knows. All I could think of was, "She gets upset about what you buy for her because you don't LISTEN to what she really wants. You but what you want to buy and not what she wants to get because you either couldn't be bothered to list to what your wife wants or that you don't care what she wants because you will get her what you want anyway. I'm sorry she doesn't like your gifts, maybe if you listened to her you would know that by doing what you are doing you are essentially telling your wife that she doesn't matter enough to not only listen to what you are saying but to take it to heart as well. This is so completely triggering for me because it has been my experience almost our entire marriage. B puts off buying me presents because "I'm too hard to shop for"…ummm nope! I am actually really easy to please if you listen to the suggestions I give you.  I don't care if the present cost $300 or $3 as long as thought went into it. That's the triggering part, feeling like I'm not important enough to waste time or energy on.

The capstone to my triggers tonight was that I was self-medicating with chocolate (let's not throw stones at me ok self and others, I know self medicating with anything is bad, no lecture or shaming needed. I was eating Dove Promises (the dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt…YUMMY) when I read one of the encouragements on the inside that triggered me. I even get triggered by some of my favorite things! Ugh!

I am going to head to bed and see if I can wake up and be less triggered in the morning.

Trggered,

T.

Why Do I Have To Be Okay?

This week has been long and emotional. I think I have cried more tears in the last few days than I have in the last few years. OK, well that's probably an exaggeration, but I have a "crying hangover" and have had one all week. I was going to write about doing my first Temple Session  in probably seven years this morning, but I just have to get this out. *If you aren't familiar with LDS beliefs or about our Temples click here.*

Why do I have to be OK? Why don't I get to be broken? OK let me rephrase that, why am I expected to not show how broken I am. Why do I have to "get over it" and move on to healing? What don't I get to grieve?

These aren't just questions for society at large or people around me. These are questions I get to ask myself. These are questions I get to ask B.

This week as been rough for me. Far harder than I anticipated after how I felt disclosure went. Remember when I mentioned that tiny anxiety/panic attack that I had last Saturday night? The one that I said was leading me to believe that I was just starting to process things. I was right, I am just starting to process things. I am letting myself feel things that I have stuffed for the last however many years. It's bound to erupt out of me sometimes.

I want to be broken. No, actually I don't want to be broken…but I want to be allowed to feel the brokenness and process it. I get to cry. I get to be mad. I get to be hurt. I get to sob if that's what I need. I GET to do those things because I AM BROKEN. I've been betrayed and I can't trust B right now. I get to feel that.

It's gonna be hard for others to watch. It's always hard to see people that are hurting and not want to "fix" it. It is going to be particularly painful for B to watch knowing that he caused this pain. That doesn't mean I need to be "fixed". It also doesn't mean that I have to hide what I am feeling to spare B pain. I don't want to hurt him no matter how angry I am at him, but he needs to understand that part of healing for me is getting to be broken. Healing for me is allowing myself to FEEL. I haven't let myself do that for so long and it's overdue.

I want to be OK. I want to heal. Right now though, I'm not OK and I'm not healed. I am however, working on those things. In this moment, I'm giving myself permission to be broken.

Not OK but working on it,

T.

Disclosure is Done and I'm Okay

I was prepared. My wonderful and understanding friend picked me up at the therapists office and spent the afternoon with me. I rented a condo for the weekend. My sister-in-law came down to stay with me. I had a bag packed with lots of different options for what I felt up to doing. I had snacks and sandwich makings in case I wanted to hole up in the condo. I took work off after our appointment on Friday. I covered my Sunday School class for tomorrow. I was ready.

I won't kid you and tell you it was pleasant. It was painful. It was hard. It hurt. The one thing it wasn't, for the most part anyway, was surprising. There were a couple big episodes of acting out that I wasn't aware of and one was particularly painful, but the rest of the disclosure wasn't really all that surprising. For the most part I had heard a lot of it over the years. It didn't make it any less painful…especially the lying and deceit. By far, that is still the hardest and most hurtful part of all this, the deceit. That the man I love and have trusted with my heart could be that duplicious is just painful.

The one thing that HAS surprised me from all this is that I'M OKAY. I am still trying to figure out if it is because I'm not acknowledging my emotions or if it's because I am in a good place and am really trying to heal. I really haven't cried much, only at the appointment and when I reread B's accountability statement again today, and even then the tears were short-lived. I have even spent time with B twice since then (once at the school play last night and once at our Ward Christmas Party tonight), and I have held his hand, leaned on him and given him a hug. I did have a very short panic/anxiety attack during the closing prayer at the party tonight and that tells me that it is probably just starting to settle in, but it was very short and I was able to breathe my way out of it. I don't know what that means for the upcoming days, but for the most part tonight I'm feeling okay. I'm exhausted and drained but I expected to be a lot more upset than I am.

All of that being said, forgiveness and trust are going to be a long time coming. We still have a long road ahead of us to healing. B hasn't even reached a point of sobriety yet. There are still a lot of hurdles to leap and a long distance to run yet, but we're off the block and headed into the first turn at least. This journey is a marathon and not a sprint, it might even be an triathlon or a hike to the summit of Mt. Everest, but we have started and that's the beginning of the journey.

Feeling okay,

T.

D-Day Tomorrow

I don't remember our actual D-day (disclosure day), I really honestly don't. B tells me that he came to me and told me and I'm sure he did. I just don't remember it. I've blocked it out I think because I've been looking for that memory and I can't find it. I want to remember what it was like because maybe it will prepare me in some way for tomorrow.

Tomorrow we are sitting down with our therapist and B is giving me a formal disclosure. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am nervous to have it all laid out in front of me. I am relieved to finally be getting it over with. I am anxious that I won't be able to process it all. I honestly don't expect any huge surprises as to behaviors but the context and timeframe will be new. I am really anxious for the answers to my questions. It is so much to process all at once.

I have a good plan in place for myself this weekend. I have support lined up. I have a safe place to stay. I have packed an emotional first aid kit. I have everything I think I will need (I even packed the Ambien and the Xanax just in case). I'm as prepared as I feel I can be when facing this huge unknown.

The thing that I am the most frustrated about right now is the fact that B completely disconnected from me tonight. I really wanted him to be present. Tomorrow our life will shift. It won't be the same regardless of how I react or what he tells me. We will be different. I really wanted to have tonight to be together talking about how we are feeling about tomorrow. Planning for how things will look after this weekend. Talking about Christmas and our kids. None of that happened. He withdrew. Our son had a meltdown. I got tired and frustrated. It was not a great night.

If you are the praying kind, please send one up for us. If you aren't please send whatever goodwill you can our way. We could use all the support we can get as we get through D-day and move towards our healing path.

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow,

T.

Stepping Into The Light

Owning my story and stepping out into the light is something that has taken me years to do. I always wanted to keep it secret. I didn't want people to judge me or my husband. We aren't bad people. When first disclosed to me almost seventeen years ago, I was ashamed. The other thing about his first disclosure is that I don't remember it. I'm pretty sure I have repressed that memory. I have been looking for it lately and I honestly cannot find it. I don't remember ANYTHING about B's first disclosure to me. That doesn't mean I don't remember the FEELINGS around it, those I do remember. I was hurt, mad and ashamed mostly. I also didn't realize what a powerful hold this addiction had on him.

I do remember later discoveries and disclosures and how each one left me a little more broken. I hid all of that completely (as well as I could anyway), because of my feelings of shame and embarrassment, for twelve very lonely years. I then told one person and we still didn't talk about it much, but it did allow me to be there for her when she found pornography in her computer history (to this day she is one of my most staunch supporters and I would be lost without her most of the time). I told a couple of people over the next few years, including my sister who is my best friend. I still felt lost and alone because I still didn't really want to talk about it. I numbed my feelings of hurt and shame with food, books (including literary porn but that's another story) and being as busy as I could be. Until a few months ago I kept thinking that if he would just stop I would be fine. The first time I heard the term Betrayal Trauma I thought, NO FREAKING WAY do I have that. Was I ever wrong (again another story…boy am I being squirreled today).

Starting a few months ago, I started stepping into the light by owning my story and sharing it as I felt impressed to do so. Overall, people have been amazingly supportive. I honestly thought people would judge me and that I would be criticized. I should have known better. I have chosen to surround myself with amazing people most of my adult life. I should have known that I would have an army of supporters when I needed it. It has been a really long time since I have felt so much love and compassion. I'm not sure I have ever let myself ever be this authentic. Why not? I was afraid of people not liking me if they knew who I really was inside.

Over Thanksgiving weekend I disclosed to a very longtime friend. She was shocked that I hadn't told her before now. I assured her that until recently I hadn't really shared with anyone. What hit me the most out of the entire conversation? That she wished I had told her sooner. Her only regret was that she hadn't been able to be there to support me all these years. I wish I had told some of my closest friends sooner. I wish I had sought out that unconditional love and support that I have received since disclosing to them.

In LifeStar the other night, one of my new friends said she has not told anyone. She doesn't want anyone to think less of her husband for this because he is an amazing man. She wanted to know if that was bad. I told her absolutely not! She's in LifeStar, she's talking to a therapist, that is part of owning her story and for her that may be enough. Everyone's story is different. Stepping into the light looks different for everyone. For a lot people, owning their story and stepping into the light may not mean that everyone around them has to know. It may not mean that anyone around them has to know. The one thing I have learned is that I personally NEED to share in order to heal. That is what owning my story and stepping into the light means for me. That doesn't mean that it is the right thing for someone else. Obviously, I am still not ready to completely come out to everyone, this blog is "anonymous" after all. I  have shared it with others as I have felt impressed to do so. I am no longer afraid of what people will think of me, because this is who I am. I still have a lot of days that I don't love who I am, but I am slowly learning that I am worth loving and I'll take that journey over the stagnation any day.

If I could tell anyone out there who has a loved one (doesn't have to be a spouse, could be a brother, sister, child, parent, whoever) that is suffering through a sex addiction anything, it would be this…find support, reach out to someone, know that you aren't alone. This does not have to own you because you are more than this addiction and trauma. There is an amazing amount of help and support out there. If you don't know where to go, reach out to me through the comments or email (awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com). I also have a tab at the top with some resources listed. Most of all just know that this addiction doesn't make your loved one a bad person and you are not weak or less than because you love them and have stood by them. You are strong, you are not alone and most of all, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Stepping into the light,

T.

Unsettled

I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.

I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book. 

Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…

Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.

I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.

I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.

He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted  as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.

I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess. 

B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now. 

I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.

Feeling a little bit better,

T.