I Was Wrong, Honesty Isn't Enough

I really, truly, HATE to be wrong, but I am admitting right here in black and white that I was wrong. I have frequently told B. that I need honesty ALL.THE.TIME. I am NOT wrong about that I DO NEED honestly all the time. I had told him that we could work through this as long as he was honest. I'm just not sure that is true anymore. I don't know if I continue to "work through" this trial, if the honesty doesn't also come with humility and accountability. I also know that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over whether I receive any of those things. 

My current mood has also shed some light on where I am personally...not in a good place. I have slid backwards and returned back to being angry all the time. I don't like angry me. In fact, I pretty much LOATHE angry me. She is not someone I want to be around, let alone someone I want to be. Regardless of not liking angry me, I have invited her back in. It wasn't a direct invitation as much as it was an invitation by omission. Omission of active recovery work. Omission of church attendance (I have a valid excuse, but I could've found a way to attend most of the time). Omission of reaching out. Omission of heartfelt prayer. Omission of self-care. I allowed angry me into the pity party and I am the only one that can un-invite her. 

I guess I need to back up a bit and tell you why I had all these forehead smacking moments tonight. Well, they haven't just been tonight, they have been in the back of my head niggling, tapping, pounding, and finally breaking their way through. The trigger itself is probably a microscopic gnat that I allowed to become a macroscopic bird of prey, but tonight it FEELS like a bird of prey. It is preying on my peace and that's unacceptable to me.

Our daughter is home from college this weekend (she is studying culinary arts), and decided to make us dinner. It was a delicious dinner and after a couple of crazy busy weeks and a jam packed weekend so far, she was exhausted. It all just hit her at once. She asked me to clean up dinner and put the leftovers away. I begrudgingly agreed (I hate cleaning up anything, it's one of my major shame points). While cleaning up I asked B. to help me. He asked what needed to be done, when I told him, he told me that he thought we could do it tomorrow. I told him that the food needed to be put away and some dishes needed to be rinsed tonight not tomorrow. He was laying on the couch watching a show on Netflix with headphones on. He looked at me and said, "I don't want to do it." I looked back and said, "None of us WANT to do it." That was the end of the discussion as far as he was concerned and he went back to watching his show.  He knew I was upset, the whole block could probably feel the anger and resentment radiating from me.

Shortly after that we all went to get ready for bed. He climbed in the bed and closed his eyes to go to sleep. Not one word to me about not helping me. In fact he acted (as he often does) as if I wasn't angry and resentful and said some sort of off the cuff goodnight. I told him that I needed to come out and journal because I was too angry to talk to him about how I was feeling. He said "Sorry", in a tone of voice that clearly implied that he was only sorry that I was angry, not that he was sorry for his actions or behaviors. When I asked him why he thought being honest about his feelings was enough, he replied something to the effect that I had told him I need him to be honest and that he could've made up some lame excuse but he didn't he was honest. I told him I do need him to be honest, but that it isn't enough to just be honest. His response was something along the lines of him being "in trouble" either way. He's right, I am upset, but I can guarantee that I would've seen through any excuse and been more upset if he had tried to lie to me. 

This is where I have to admit, my thoughts need  revision. I need more than honesty. I cannot accept anything less than honesty, our relationship is doomed otherwise. I do however, need that honesty to be accompanied by humility and accountability. I need to see that he is willing to and wants to change. He doesn't. He has told me point blank that he has no desire to work on his recovery right now. That is evident every single day.

I have to decide how I am going to react to that. I have to decide that angry and resentful T. can't be around here, she isn't invited to the party. I have to decide to do the things that help me heal. I have to hold my boundaries. I have to disconnect in a healthy way. I have to own that I need help to improve. 

I have been feeling a lot of things lately. Grief and anger being two of the most prominent. The grief is something that I have carried for years. The anger is something that I have carried for years but that I have worked hard to let go of in the past. I have been able to get healthier and work through some of that anger. I have been able to dig beneath that layer and see what is really driving it. Lately I haven't even had the desire to dig down. I hurt too much to want to take off that protective layer of anger and resentment. I have to let that mask go, I have to feel again. I can't numb with food and anger, it's my emotional kryptonite if I do. I am accountable for that. I have to change it. 

Here's me taking a step back. Admitting I was wrong. Shame busting and truth telling. Owning my story for myself and my healing. I am not sure I'm up to facing this, but I have to be. I have to face this and work on what I need to move forward. I am in charge of me.

Humbly eating my slice of pie,

T.

Anger Is A Girl's Best Friend

I am angry today…frankly I've been angry all week. There are some HUGE things going on in my life right now (outside of the addiction and trauma)…at least they feel HUGE to me. I really have no emotional reserve right now and I have been snappy and peevish all week. I hate that I am so angry and that I have slipped back into that pattern. I need to find some healing again and use my tools to let go of the anger.  I can't change B, all I can change is me.  Sound like I'm trying to say it so I can make myself believe it? I am a little bit. I just want to shake B and say "Wake the hell up and SEE me!" I know it won't do any good, especially with the swear word thrown in there…but it's what I want to do at the current moment.

I really want to be SEEN, HEARD and CARED FOR. I really want to not have to carry this load alone. B texted me on Thursday and told me that he wants to be there for me through this and that's all I've ever wanted, for him to be present and help me through trials. I have been the one taking care of everyone for so long, I don't know how NOT to do that. I try to give him more of the load, but he drops it so often that I end up picking it up anyway. Most of the time it's easier to just carry it myself, but that turns me into a rescuer and leaves me feeling resentful and used.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to get a few thoughts down.

Wishing I wasn't so angry,

T.

Unsettled

I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.

I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book. 

Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…

Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.

I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.

I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.

He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted  as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.

I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess. 

B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now. 

I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.

Feeling a little bit better,

T.

Letting Go and Setting Boundaries

I am trying to let go…of a lot of things. Right now my biggest struggle is letting go of the anger. I don't know why, but I think I am angrier now at and about B than I have ever been. I'm having a hard time determining where the anger is coming from. I don't know if this is something that I am being tempted into feeling to hinder B's recovery or if I am just really angry at him and his addiction. But, wherever it is coming from, I am nevertheless angry. I want to yell and scream and throw things, even though the only thing that would accomplish is making me hoarse, scaring my family and breaking things. I have been trying to pinpoint what exactly I am angry about and it has been difficult. I am angry at a lot of things, including my own choices. 

I guess I am using anger to describe a lot of things I am feeling. I am feeling frustrated, hurt, upset, confused, sad, anxious and scared. I really thought that I was going to be able start to take my wall down and let B in and start to work through recovery, but I am finding that far more difficult than even I believed it would be. I don't want to take it down and be vulnerable because I am just to scared of being hurt again.

Here is where the frustration comes in, both with B and with myself. I am frustrated at him for not seeing how I feel and if he does see it not understanding. He keeps saying that he is starting to realize by reading other spouses blogs, about how I might be feeling, but I don't think he really does, because every relationship is different. I know I'm not special or unique in how I feel. I know a lot of other spouses feel the same way. My heart aches for anyone going through the painful journey of sexual addiction and recovery. I just don't think that B understands that it took about sixteen years to erect and fortify the wall I have around my heart, it's not going to come down just because he makes an effort for a few weeks. I want to believe that he is truly working recovery and that he will stay sober, but for me right now I don't see it. I see him making some efforts to avoid pornography and acting out right now, but I can't envision what recovery will look like for us.

I have read a few posts recently about boundaries, and setting them for ourselves. I'm terrified of setting boundaries. I am so scared that if I set boundaries that protect myself, B will see it as me having a lack of faith in him and his recovery and think that I am punishing him. That's not it. I don't want to punish him, but I want to protect my emotional self. I have a hard time even saying this, because it feels unsupportive and selfish. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to take care of me right now, I can't leave my emotional health in the hands of a hopefully recovering addict. That would be foolishness on my part and set myself up for a fall, not to mention the added pressure that would put on the burden B already carries. As hard of a conversation as it is going to be for both of us, we need to have it. We need to have boundaries for both of us. 

I need to be able to take care of my own emotional health if I am ever going to be able to support B in recovery. I am trying to let go of anger and hurt and am hoping that by setting boundaries I will start to feel safe enough to do that.

T.

Step 1

Tonight I asked "B" to switch what ARS (Addiction Recovery Services) meeting he attended so that we could go together. I was TERRIFIED to go, but I am so glad I did. I am starting to work the steps. I am just on Step 1, admitting I have a problem. I DO have a problem.  I am an addict. I'm not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I am addicted to food, Diet Coke and pornography. I'm sure there are other things, but those are the biggies.

For so many years I have blamed Brian for our marital problems. Saying that my lack of trust because of his addiction is what has made me such an angry person. That is a partial truth, but I am beginning to recognize the power that my own addictions have over me. I want to work on finding me, fixing me and being able to turn myself over to the Lord to accomplish both those things. I want to be whole and I am beginning to realize that I'm only going to accomplish that my letting go and having faith.

Humbly,

T.

Milestone Moments

This may boarder on revealing to much about who we are, but it won't leave my mind because there was so much emotion involved, so I will share.  

We spent the weekend with my husband's entire immediate family. As children and children-in-law we threw my in-laws a Golden Wedding Anniversary party. It was stressful, but it turned out so amazing and they (who DO NOT like to be the center of attention) were so happy and had so much fun, it made it all worth it. My in-laws deserve to be honored, I think anyone who gets to 50 years of marriage deserves to be honored, it's an achievement…at least in my book it is.

The main emotions leading up to this event were stress, resentment, stress, excitement, stress, anger, stress and finally a feeling of accomplishment. I tend to stress about pulling off things like this because I inevitably over plan and under schedule. What I mean is that I over plan things that I think I can get done and under schedule time to get said tasks accomplished. This party was no exception. Resentment at anyone (especially my husband) who I felt wasn't pulling their load in getting ready for the party. Excitement at the prospect of being able to see the family and honor my in-laws. Anger, or more accurately frustration, at my husband's lack of participation in getting ready for the party, especially on the day of the party (these are HIS parents after all). Once it was all prepped and ready to go I had a feeling of accomplishment knowing that we had done everything we could and that it looked like it was going to be great.

The party was a huge hit and everyone had a lot of fun. My in-laws were touched by all the people that came and all the preparation we had done. It was just enough. My in-laws don't like being the center of attention, especially my mother-in-law, so they didn't want anything super fancy and we were able to find a theme and plan a party that was just enough to honor them without embarrassing them. 

The two overriding emotions by far for me this weekend were frustration/anger followed distantly by hope. I was so angry and frustrated with my husband because I felt he thought this was a vacation for him (we were away from home) and that whatever he needed and wanted to do should come first. The morning started off good but quickly went downhill.  He wasn't there to help when he should've been and I was upset. I know part of that is what I have seen in him for a long time, the pornography addiction has made him into a very self-centered and selfish person, and part of it is his built-in lack of awareness to what goes on around him sometimes (he has always had trouble being aware of what is going on and being able to just jump in where there is a need…but that's a whole other topic). It was no secret, to anyone, that I was pissed-off at him (I hate that phrase but it is the only one that adequately describes my mood at the time). I have calmed down today and have been trying to focus on the good things he did to help. 

The smallish part of me that felt hopeful is trying to fight it's way out. "B" did things to help get ready for the party at the end of last week that I have NEVER seen him do before. And he did it without complaint. I am so appreciative of that. He also did most of the driving, he always does most of the driving, which I more than appreciate because I HATE to drive, especially long distances. He never complains when I have to make frequent potty stops, which is always nice since I have a pea sized bladder and to be complained at on top of that, would only make it worse. I saw my in-laws this weekend, and despite the flaws that I see in their relationship (which I notice in any relationship close to me, even when I try not to), they have been married for 50 years, yes FIFTY YEARS people, FIFTY! That is a heck of an accomplishment. In another 30+ years I want my kids to be able to throw us a Golden Anniversary party. I want to make it to fifty years. I want to make it to eternity!

At the risk of losing some of our anonymity by sharing this story, it needed to be told. I needed to tell it. So thank you for tuning in.

With a margin of hope,

T.

Peeking Out From Behind The Mask

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who's husband is also a porn addict. She said to me "It seems like you are dealing with this better than I am." My first thought was, no freaking way am I dealing with this better than anyone else. But, even if that is the case, I have learned that I can't compare my reactions to anyone else's. They don't have my trials or my circumstances and I don't have theirs. All I can do is reach out and give what support I have to give. I want to let you see how I feel, how I've reacted and see into my eyes behind the mask I wear every.single.day.

The mask I wear makes me smile and laugh with acquaintances and coworkers. The mask forces me to be polite to others I encounter. The mask makes it look like I'm whole, like part of me isn't broken. Today I'm going to peel back a corner of the mask and peek out for you. I'm not ready to take it all the way off, I'm not ready to be that vulnerable. I'm not ready to go back to the beginning yet. Part of me doesn't remember it all that well and the other part of me is afraid that some of the numbness will wear off if I go back that far. I'll let you see the most recent part of me, the part I am trying to work through right now. 

It's not pretty and I'm not proud. I'm angry. Not like a little bit angry and I'll get over it right away, but boiling, raging, throw things at the wall MAD! The other day I got so angry about something so completely unrelated and was stomping around and slamming things down, it was so bad I scared my son. I scared my own child because I was mad about something completely unrelated to him. I didn't touch him, I didn't threaten him, I was just making so much noise to vent my anger that it scared him. That's not fair, nor is is the way I want my kiddos to see me. I don't want them to remember me as the angry mom that was scary to be around. I'm a work in progress and slowly but surely I am gaining control of that anger by sheer faith and prayer.

Here's another corner I'll peek out of, it's the corner that's gray and dented and it's called hopelessness. I have almost completely given up hope of recovery. I have had faith so many times, I have hoped so many times, I have believed so many times that he was truly trying to change…only to be disappointed and that much more devastated than the last time. It is so much easier for me not to hope. I want to hope. I want to heal. I want to trust again. I want to love my husband wholly and freely again without constantly feeling like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any moment, but right now I am too scared. I'm too afraid, of being completely crushed, to hope. 

That's enough of the ugliness that is behind the mask for now. I know the only way I am going to peel off the mask and leave it off is to begin to heal, begin to hope and let go of my fears. I'm not there yet. I hope that I will be someday soon.

T.

P.S. I read B's post today and it made me cry. It touched me. Nothing he has done or said in a really long time has touched me, because I haven't let it. Maybe the hope is finding a pin prick to squeeze through my mask after all.