Seeing Me

I realized this morning, after an excruciating night of pain and fighting, that B hasn't seen the real me in years, I haven't let him. It's scary for me to let him see the me that I've been hiding, because some days she's not very happy. I realized I have been protecting B in some ways for years from the consequences of his addiction. I haven't let him see the pain and anger that his acting out has caused because I was always afraid that it would just give him one more reason to turn to porn. I let some of it out yesterday and he didn't like it at all. He found a way to make it all about him, even though I was trying to be honest with him. It hurts, it really really hurts and B thinks I'm overreacting. I don't come here to air our dirty laundry, but I need someplace that I can be me and it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling.

It started with a question from me about who he wanted to be his accountability partner for Covenant Eyes, because it can't be me right now. He doesn't feel he needs one unless it's me. His words were, "I don't need an acceptability partner because there is no shame in confessing if I slip. I have faith that I'm not going to slip and if I do there is no shame in confessing it." Those may not be his exact words, but they were along that line. He's in the recovery honeymoon, I get it, I've been there too. Someday maybe he will forgive me for not having the same amount of faith in him, because I don't. I do love him, and I really want to hope that we are past the acting out and lying, but I'm not there yet. 

I'll explain why I want him to have an accountability partner and why it can't be me. I want him to have someone that he can talk to on a regular basis about any slips or temptations. I want him to have someone he can reach out to if he needs to. Right now I can't be that person. It hurts too much when he slips and I honestly don't want to hear about all his temptations right now. I want to know that when/if he has a slip HE takes accountability to tell me about it. I need that honesty and open communication. Right now I need there to be no more dishonesty or lying. I feel like if I was getting an accountability report for him that he would let that be his disclosure to me instead of taking the accountability to come tell me. 

I think I understand why he wants me to get the report. He feels that if I was getting the report it would be that much more of a deterrent to acting out. He feels that it would help protect him from acting out. I get that, but I can't be the police anymore. I can't be used to police his activity anymore. I've done that for years. Played Sherlock Holmes to uncover any suspicious activity, questioned him like a suspect and tried to get him to break down. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want the fear of getting caught acting out to be what motivates him. I need to know that our family and our marriage are worth not acting out for. I need to know that the joy he finds in recovery and in truly connecting with me and our children are worth not acting out for.

It seems like a little minor issue to him, and maybe it is, to him. But it isn't to me. It's a big issue. I need him to have a support person other than me. He keeps saying he is going to find one but he hasn't yet. If he doesn't want someone to get his accountability report, then so be it, I won't ever force that on him, it's his choice. He doesn't see it as a choice, his exact words were, "It's not really a choice because if I don't find someone to get my report then there is a consequence." Yep there is. There is always a consequence and we have to deal with them. 

I let the "discussion" get out of hand and it deteriorated over the afternoon. I should have walked away much sooner than I did. I was accused of being unsupportive, unforgiving, manipulative, making it so that he couldn't concentrate on his work and letting one little thing ruin our happiness. It hurt, it really really hurt. I tried to let it go. I tried to say, it's his "addict brain" talking and not the man I was starting to see. But, the thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't think it should hurt. He doesn't think that I have the right to be hurt and angry some days. Somehow, after 17 years of lying and acting out, of him turning to porn instead of to me, I'm supposed to just embrace the new him. The man who IS working recovery, the man who has made HUGE steps in honesty and openness. I DO see these changes, changes that have NEVER happened before. I do embrace this man, hesitantly because I'm afraid of him disappearing. It will hurt so much more because I have seen the changes in him, I LOVE the changes in him. I am not ready to embrace those changes wholeheartedly yet because it will hurt so much if those changes aren't truly permanent.

We both have so far to go in our individual recovery and the recovery of our marriage. He feels that I am sabotaging our recovery as a couple with my anger and lack of faith. I feel that I have made huge strides in our recovery as a couple but that I have work to do on myself that will greatly help us as a couple. I love my husband, probably more so now than I have in years. I want to make my marriage work. I want to be happy in my relationship again. I honestly do. But I need to feel safe again. I need to feel like it's ok to be me and to have bad days and that he will still love me and not turn to porn. I need time, I may need lots and lots of time. 

Hurting still,

T.

Unsettled

I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.

I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book. 

Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…

Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.

I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.

I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.

He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted  as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.

I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess. 

B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now. 

I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.

Feeling a little bit better,

T.