A Letter To My New Bishop

We recently got a new Bishop (he is our lay clergy, you can learn more about that here). He called B in to his office to talk to him, and they discussed B's addiction. B came home feeling loved and cared for, and he told me that the Bishop wanted to learn about Betrayal Trauma, as he hadn't heard of it before. I have felt prompted to share that email here. I hope it helps someone else.

Note: I have edited it to include the hyperlinks, and I have removed some of the personal details for anonymity sake.

Bishop,

Thank you for your willingness to learn about the impact of sex addiction on a spouse. I have attached a packet put together specifically to share about this for Bishops. It has some good information, but it is a lot, take your time and read it. I will also include other resources that can help you. 

Part of understanding about Betrayal Trauma, is learning about sex addiction itself (pornography addiction is a form of sex addiction, pornography just happens to be B's drug of choice). There are some great resources for this. Each website that I am including has a lot of information, the particular page I am linking is a good starting point, but don't stop there.

Fight The New Drug 

Row Boat And Marbles

Then of course there is the Church website about addiction recovery (this has information for both addicts and family members)

LDS Addiction Recovery

For many years I thought I was alone. I lived in shame. Why would my husband need pornography if I was enough? I have learned through my recovery that I AM enough, and that his addiction is not caused by me. His addiction began long before he ever met me. 

I have a form of PTSD called Betrayal Trauma. Basically what it means is that I get a trigger, that causes me to react physically (I have to be on medication for panic attacks), and it affects the way I process and interact with life. It sounds hokey to some, but for me, and many others like me, it is as real as a soldier's PTSD. I am learning through therapy and recovery work how to handle these triggers and what I need to do to keep myself safe and healthy. This has been a long road for me. B has been betraying me through lust, pornography, and masturbation for our entire marriage. His addiction has affected every aspect of our lives. We have had happy times, it's just hard to remember those through all of the unhappy times. 

Here are some resources for Betrayal Trauma, again, these are just jumping off points:

LDS Addiction Recovery Videos  (I am blessed to call some of the ladies, in these Advice To My Younger Self videos, friends)

Rowboat and Marbles: Wife's eyes

The woman that writes the following blog is also a friend, and her blog was instrumental in helping me start on (and continue) my recovery journey.

A Wife Redeemed

This is an organization that has also been instrumental in helping me find the connections I need to heal:

The Togetherness Project

This is the scary one, I write a blog myself. B actually wanted to start it together, but he hasn't written on it in a really long time. Feel free to read it if you'd like. (I shared the link to the blog with him, but I figure you don't need it)

I will share a little bit about our story with you. We have been married 21 years (22 years in March). We were friends for 6 months, dated for 2 months, and engaged for 7 months. We were sealed in the  Salt Lake Temple. The first time I found out about B looking at pornography was about 5 years into our marriage, and I was upset and told him that if it happened again I would divorce him. That led to years of lying and deceit, along with many discoveries. By this point I thought, "If only I was skinnier, prettier, kept a better house, made more money, wanted to have sex more, looked like a super model, whatever it was...he wouldn't need porn." The truth is I could've done and been all those things, and he still would have turned to porn. His use of porn and masturbation was not about me, it was about his mismanagement of his own emotions. He does not know how to sit in his own pain or deal with hard emotions, and so he numbs them in the easiest way he knows how. Some choose alcohol, drugs, staying busy, overeating, tv, video games, whatever it is, B chooses pornography and masturbation. The thing that is different about sex addiction, is that it undermines the very foundation of marriage. It erodes the trust that should be the foundation of a marriage. Not only is the wife being betrayed but there is a significant amount of deceit that goes along with it. The shame that accompanies the addiction is debilitating, that, and the deceit make it very difficult to find recovery. It's an addiction that is so rooted in shame that people will go to astonishing lengths to keep it hidden.

I know that recovery is possible, but it takes being cracked open and letting the will of God pour into you. Letting His will be stronger than the demons that are in control. This goes equally for the spouse. We have to learn that unless we surrender our own will to His, then we will continue to live in this cycle of never-ending trauma. We will continue to feel inadequate, try to control our spouses actions, have feelings of worthlessness, and live in chaos. I have chosen not to live that way any longer. I have no control over my husband's actions, nothing I do, say, don't do, or don't say, can change his will. He has his agency, I can't change that (as much as I admittedly would like to sometimes). The only thing I can do is chose to live close to Heavenly Father and follow his guidance for me. He has been with me throughout this journey, and I am learning more every day about listening to Him.

I have worked really hard to try and stay in this marriage and work hard at saving it, I have listened when Heavenly Father distinctly told me to "Hold on a little longer", when I was really seeking His permission to be done. I have stayed. I have continued to work on my own recovery and as hard as possible on my relational recovery as possible. I have had to keep my heart protected as I have traveled this road, because every time I start to hope the things are getting better because B is making an effort at recovery, I would act on that hope. I would relax my boundaries and let him back in as completely as I could, only to have him take me for granted again and relax his recovery effort and act out again. His cycle of acting out has escalated from years in our early marriage to around a month now. That means he will work really hard for a week or so at recovery, he will let things slip for a week, he will end up in a mode of "everything is terrible, and I am a victim of life" and he will act out for a couple of weeks. Then the cycle will start all over again. Sometimes the cycle can be 2 months, but that just means everything is twice as long. 

I am finally at a point where I have realized I am stuck in my own healing. I don't know what the future holds for us, I am not going to try and predict that. I can only stay true to the guidance of Heavenly Father and go on from there.

Thank you for your open heart and mind, and your willingness to learn about this plague that is tearing so many families apart.  Your loving reaction and openness to learning is already a balm, you have obviously learned to listen to the Spirit rather than reacting as a man. I appreciate that more than I can say. 

Humbly and lovingly,

T.

p.s. The packet of information I attached with my email to my bishop can be found here: Owning Our Stories, and the link is in the right hand column

Boundaries Stink

Ok, well boundaries themselves don't stink…but having to enforce them does. I'm not trying to out B. here, but this post has been swimming around in my head for a couple of days now. I needed some distance and perspective before I wrote it though. I'm still cycling through my emotions…anger, hurt, forgiveness (ok not so much an emotion), apathy and peace. This is the first time I have really honestly and effectively enforced a boundary since I clarified them for myself and B. It was a painful thing to do actually, I didn't realize it was going to hurt so much to have to enforce them. 

If you want to know what my (pretty detailed) boundaries are you can find them on the second tab across the top under the header of the blog, or by clicking here. I share them here and welcome questions or comments with the caution that these are for my own feeling of safety and to help to begin to foster trust between B and I. These are not meant as a judgement of B or as a means of controlling him. They are my way of letting him know what he needs to do in order to earn my trust back. The burden of trustworthiness is on him. 

I haven't been checking history on B's phone for a while now. I haven't wanted to feel like the police. I felt like he was working hard on recovery most of the time, although it seems that the later  in the week it gets the harder time he has with working recovery and not disconnecting. We have been doing checkins using vowels for the last couple of weeks and I thought it was going well. Lately, though, when he starts to disconnect I felt like he was slipping back into old behaviors. He looked me right in the eye and told me that he was doing well. He has also been working on full disclosure for me, so that I can move on in healing in our relationship (which is separate from my own personal recovery). I still felt that tiny nagging that something was off. I couldn't pinpoint it specifically and am new to trusting my gut where this is concerned (after so many years of being lied to, I am having to relearn how to trust my own feelings and promptings). He has been showing so many signs improvement that it was crazy making that I was feeling this nagging discomfort.

Friday night I went out with a couple of girlfriends to have some "me" time. It was a lot of fun and just what I needed for some clarity. When I got home at almost 11:00 p.m. B was asleep and didn't know if our daughter was home yet from seeing a play with her friends. That in and of itself triggered me, he is the parent at home, shouldn't he know where his teenager is at almost 11:00 p.m. (she was home). I also found out that instead of interacting with our preteen son and spending some time with him, he had let him play Minecraft for hours while I was gone. Our son is showing addictive behaviors as far as playing Minecraft goes and we have been working with him to find other ways to combat boredom and frustration than zoning out with a computer game. So that triggered me. 

I was already on edge emotionally and he just basically turned over and went back to sleep. I was trying to wind down for the night when a very strong prompting came to check his phone. There it was, pornographic pictures of women on Facebook. It's as if that makes it ok because he was just looking at profile pictures on Facebook and not actual porn sites. From what I found in his history he had been doing this for a two to three days but from his own disclosure it had actually been two weeks. I was furious, hurt and feeling betrayed. HE LIED TO ME!  AGAIN! I was so hurt and upset, that even though it was almost 2:00 a.m. I woke him up and made him go sleep on the couch. I enforced a boundary! I did it! It was actually really painful to do, I don't want to disconnect emotionally and physically from B, but for my own feelings of trust and safety I had to. The next day our schedules were so opposite that we didn't see each other until about 8:00 p.m. I took time in the morning to write him a four page letter. I wrote him a letter because I knew we wouldn't have a chance to talk early in the day and I can often more clearly articulate what I want to say when I write it down. It was thoughtful and informative without being shaming or malicious. I just told him how I felt he had broken my boundaries and what consequences I was going to enforce (there were more than just that middle of the night trip to the couch). It was very painful and hard to do, like I said, but it helped me feel safe and helped him see that I expect him to earn back my trust, it's not just going to be handed to him. 

He explained to me that he felt that I was doing so well in my recovery and he didn't want to hinder that. Really? And LYING TO ME wasn't going to hinder my healing? Actually, I discovered, and explained to B that it WON'T affect my personal recovery, but it greatly affects our recovery as a couple. I also told him that it was completely and totally unacceptable to hide, minimize or lie about any slips. Honestly, there is to be no lying about anything. I also told him that I fully expect him to have slips, especially this early in recovery. I am a skeptic after all these years, that he will ever be able to be in full recovery, but I was starting to have hope. I was robbed of that hope this weekend. It doesn't mean that I am giving him permission to have a slip or that I am ok with it. I'm not. I WILL enforce my boundary around pornography in my home if he does slip, but his actions this weekend crossed every.single.one of my boundaries. It was so painful that I wanted to yell and scream and hit things (most likely not things but him). I am pleased with how I handled the situation though, for the most part, but it was still incredibly hard and painful to enforce my boundaries. I think he finally gets that I mean business and that my individual recovery is separate from our recovery as a couple. 

We have made progress, we could talk about it. That's big progress for us and that has not been undone. But even if we can openly talk about it, it still hurts that it happened. I EXPECT there will be more slips in our future, but I HOPE that there aren't. More than anything he owes me honesty, no matter how painful the truth is.

Made a little safer through my boundaries,

T.

Warning Label - Recovery Is Hard Work

When I read this the other day it intrigued me…partly because I knew immediately at that moment what my warning label would say…WORN OUT. That particular day I was just plain warn out physically and emotionally. This recovery stuff is hard work! It's exhausting physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It is taking a lot out of me and it is taking pieces from every part of my life.

Today I have refined my warning label to read…BROKEN - PROCEED WITH CARE…UNDER CONSTRUCTION EXPECT HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE AHEAD. That's what my warning label would say today. It really hit me the last couple of days what hard work and sacrifice I am faced with if I truly want to recover from this trauma. 

I have been sacrificing a lot of my personal time and attention to focus on my recovery. What that means for me is that I haven't been reading much of anything except recovery information. I haven't had time to watch hardly any TV. I have even missed my book clubs for two months because I just haven't had the time or energy to read the book and carry on a conversation about it. My entire focus has been on recovery from Betrayal Trauma and Compulsive Overeating. I have been so focused that my brain is becoming saturated with facts and figures, determination to succeed, thoughts about what I want to write about, bottom lines, boundaries and ways to support my fellow WoPAs. I have become a bit obsessed with recovery…it's time to take a step back a little.

I am going to book club (both of them) this month. I am attempting to read the books (although I'm not really sure I can stomach 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' which is the book in one of my book clubs). I am going to dinner with a friend that is not a WoPA and talking about stuff unrelated to recovery. I am going to enjoy watching The Cosby Show with my family and Signed, Sealed, Delivered with myself. I am going to learn how to harness my anxiety a little better with meditation and breathing exercises. I'm going to work on my home and some projects I want to do there. I am still going to work on recovery very diligently, but I am going to try and not let it consume me. 

I would love some suggestions about how to balance my life and my recovery work. I would love to know what any of you out there do to manage the load. 

Breathing more and reacting less is my commitment this week, so that means I'm going to breathe in the good shit and breathe out the bullshit. Pardon my poor language but I read that and decided it fit what I want to do. 

Breathing more,

T.

P.S. I have to add an addendum to this post because I have been lead by the hand tonight. Earlier I was talking with my Relief Society President about how we all carry burdens and that we should treat each other accordingly. Then when I wen to read one of my favorite blogs , I read this about signs and linked to this post about signs as well. What would happen if we each wore a sign? What if the scars on the inside were visible on the outside? How would we treat each other? What would we do differently?

It Takes A Village

We've probably all heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child". I have been reflecting on this a lot lately. I have realized that it not only takes a village to raise a child, but that we all need our own village to raise us up in our trials.

I had the opportunity to go to the wedding of a close family friend last night. At the wedding I was reunited with friends from long ago and it was so amazing. As I was surrounded by these wonderful people that I have always called my aunts, uncles and cousins (despite not being related by blood), I could still feel the love that has radiated from them for my entire life. My "cousins" and I were reminiscing about our childhood and how amazing it was. We were so blessed. We were safe. We were loved. We had a "village" to raise us that created an automatic family to love us.

I have realized that even though I have felt alone for so long, I still have a village. In fact, I am part of some amazing villages. I'm not native, but they have integrated me as if I was. I want to share with you a little about a couple of these villages.

B. and I have lived in our home for about three and a half years. We we were looking to buy our home, we both saw this one and knew it was where we were supposed to be. This has been reinforced to me over and over. Part of the reason for this is that the ward we move into is just exactly what we have needed. 

I will never forget the first week we went to church here, in Relief Society we were still doing the Good News Minute. Our amazing Relief Society President shared that her good news that day was that I was there. She noticed me. She loved me. She wanted me to know. What a powerful thing that was for someone that was used to hiding in the corner because she didn't feel worthy of being noticed. This wonderful woman's husband is now our Bishop, and while he hasn't always known what we needed, he has always been supportive of helping us find it. I have had faithful visiting teachers the entire time we have lived here. The day we were unloading our UHaul in our driveway, one of the ward members was running by and stopped to chat. He quickly gathered up any able bodies he could find and our truck was unloaded in about twenty minutes. This would have been no different if we had been non-members, he didn't even ask us that until we were done unloading. I have so many more examples of the love that has been shown to us. This is our village and I am so thankful to be a part of it.

The other village I would like to tell you about is an amazing group of women I have found online. The Togetherness Project and the Togetherness Community have literally been my lifeline lately. They are a village of women like me (WoPAs - Wives of Porn Addicts), who are all at different stages of life, have different marital statuses, different religions and husbands/ex-husbands in various phases of recovery (from denial to in recovery). None of that matters, we are just there to be each others support. This village has held me up more days than I can count lately.

These amazing women give freely of their support and their love. They have organized conferences. They have all sorts of information available to help us not only recover, but to reach out and share information with others. They are my village right now. They are helping hold me up at this time of my life. I am constantly amazed by their strength. 

If you are in need of a village to support you, reach out to me at awifeprogressing{at}gmail{dot}com. I would be happy to share information with you.

Feeling supported,

T.

p.s. If you are not familiar with our beliefs or any of the terms we use, please reach out as well. I am happy to share with you. You can also find a lot of great information here.

Waiting-For-the-Other-Shoe-to-Drop-Feeling-of-Impending-Doom

It's after 2 AM and I'm not sleeping. It's not that I can't sleep, I'm pretty sure I could sleep without problem if I let myself. Why don't you let yourself then you ask? Well, the easy answer would be because I don't want to…but that's not true, I DO want to, desperately. I have let myself steep in my anxiety and fear for so long tonight that I have to process it and let it go, therefore I blog.

I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight. 

I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation. 

I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.

There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now. 

Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level.  I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.

Finding my way out of my head,

T.

Unsettled

I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.

I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book. 

Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…

Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.

I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.

I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.

He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted  as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.

I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess. 

B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now. 

I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.

Feeling a little bit better,

T.

My Parent's Love

This past weekend was healing and painful all at the same time. As I mentioned in my last post I was able to reach out to my parents via a letter to let them know I was struggling. Their response was to let me bring it up if I wanted to. We aren't the best family at communicating and I wish I would've gotten some sort of acknowledgement from them verbally, but they did show me with hugs and time spent with me that they were there for me.

On Saturday night when it was just my parents, my sister and I together, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. For some this would just be an accepted thing that a dad would do, but that's not how my family has ever worked. I can only remember one other time of my dad giving me a blessing and it took every ounce of courage for me to ask for it at that time. It just wasn't something that happened a lot at my house. Anyway, he immediately got up from his chair and asked if there was anything in particular I needed a blessing for and gave me a father's blessing. It was so powerful in it's simplicity. I immediately had so much peace and knew that no matter what my parents were there for me. I am crying now just thinking of how much this huge step in my relationship with my parents has meant.

I still have a long ways to go in fully opening myself up to my parents and to letting them see my struggles, but I know that no matter how long it takes there is no time limit with them. 

I had really planned to blog some more about the events of the weekend, but right now, this is all I need. I just needed to remember the love and support my parents have for me and the healing that I was able to do these last 4 days.

A Road Trip, Me Time and Catharsis

I'm just going to warn you up front that this is most likely going to be a lengthy post and may not be digestible in one sitting. It promises to reveal a lot about my recovery to me though, so I am writing exactly what I need to, no matter how long it ends up being. I don't normally include personal pictures here, but this was what my workspace looked like this morning.

Yesterday one of my coworkers came to visit me and brought me some fun things for my surgical recovery. It was a great visit and she threw out, "Hey, I am going to visit my husband on his travel assignment and I know your sister is nearby, we have room why don't you come?" I initially dismissed it as an impossibility, but quickly rethought as I have been missing my sister and parents a lot lately and it would be great to see them. My kids already had plans to go spend a couple nights with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I knew it would probably not be a problem for them to stay all weekend, so that wasn't a concern. B has to work today and tomorrow so I was going to be home alone anyway those two days. I am off work and really had nothing planned, so I decided as long as B didn't have any major reason why I shouldn't go, that I would jump at the chance. Today finds me all alone in my parents house (as they are out of town) and wow has it been a day. Like I said, my parents are out of town (just until tomorrow), my niece and nephew are in school and my sister and brother-in-law are working today. It turns out that time for me, all by myself with nothing at all scheduled or planned was exactly what I needed.

I was walking across the kitchen headed to get in the shower when mid-stride it was like I hit an emotional force field. I don't even know how to describe it. From one step to the next it was like a dam had broken open and all these sobs just started wracking my body. I mean literally out of nowhere. This has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I immediately knew that a lot of my numbness was gone and I was feeling again, feeling things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in years. I KNEW, as surely as I knew I needed to take my next breath, what I HAD to do. I needed to sit down right then and record my thoughts and feelings in order to process what was happening. What came out was a five page handwritten letter to my parents. It did not detail what our particular struggles are right now, but explained a little of what is going on. It was my opening to them to let them in and ask for their support. It actually shocked me. I had no intention of telling them, I haven't for a long time. It was such a surreal experience. I had to take a few breaks during writing because I was literally sobbing so hard that I couldn't see. I'm not sure I have ever cried that hard, not associated with my recovery, of that I'm certain. I have read accounts where other wives have talked about curling up on the floor sobbing, but I have never actually felt that way until today. That's what I wanted to do, curl up on the floor and sob. 

It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I don't want to forget what that letter says, so I am going to type it out here. Know that I am doing this for me and for B, so he can know what I shared with them. Feel free to continue reading if you would like to, if I had wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have shared it here. It may help someone else who is looking to build a bridge towards someone important to them. I have not rewritten or edited this letter at all, I am retyping it exactly as it came out as the time (other than where it was necessary to use only initials for privacy sake). 

Dar Mama & Daddy,

Thank you for letting me stay here, even though you didn't know I was coming. I guess I should say, thank you for always making me feel like I can call your home mine, even with I don't live here.

I know you always worry about me & that over the years I have given you plenty of reason to worry. I want you to know that you have taught me well, and that no matter what else happens, with you as my parents I will always be ok. I love you more than words can say.

I know you are probably worried about me traveling a week after surgery. I'm sure you are concerned for both my healing & my finances. Please put your minds to rest knowing that it's ok. I feel great. At this point fatigue is my only real issue. As for financially, there is very little expense to me. My friend was already coming, had room for one more & asked me to come with her. It was a good arrangement for both of us and just fell into place.

I needed to be here. I needed a few days to myself to not worry about my family or anyone else's schedule and this was the perfect solution. My kids already had plans to spend the weekend in C with M & S. B has to work Thursday & Friday. You guys won't be home until tomorrow night. M has to work the next 2 days. It was the perfect opportunity for me to spend some time alone with my thoughts & do some soul searching. 

I haven't wanted to/been ready to share some stuff with you, but I feel I need to now. I'm sure it's no mystery to you that mine is not a great marriage. I'm sure that is obvious every time we see you. Part of the reason I haven't wanted to tell you how bad it really is, is because you love me so much and want only the very best for me. I know you don't think B is the very best for me. I didn't want to give you one more reason to think that. My problems in my marriage didn't need that added pressure. That's on me to own & not you. I would've put the added pressure on and not you. Please know that I probably still won't share the details with you, but that I want to let you in so that you can be in my corner & know what is going on.

I was ready to leave B this spring. I was ready to file for divorce and end my 19 year marriage. But, I knew that I hadn't given every ounce of fight I had to give to save it. Neither one of us can bear all the blame for the problems in our marriage, and I knew that until I worked to fix me, I couldn't say that I had given all I have to give. I started seeing a counselor & then we went together. We are now both seeing individual counselors & attending group support meetings. We are both putting more effort into being our best selves & to mending our broken relationship. 

I am still struggling with a lot of things that I have shoved down for many years. It's hard and painful self-reflection…but I have faith that I will be a more whole person on the other side.  Thank you for having a safe place for me to come to be by myself for a couple of days to work on this. I have really needed it.

I am not writing this to you so that you have more cause to worry about me. Rather, I am writing it so that you will know that for the first time in years, I'm really trying to be the best me that I can be. I am working on my faith, building my testimony & healing what is broken inside me.

I love you both so much. I am so thankful that you were chosen to be my eternal parents. I want you to know the real me, the one that I have been hiding from almost everyone for a really long time. I'm not always a ray of sunshine to be around, frequently actually, I'm not (as if that surprises you). But, I want to be able to share those less than perfect parts of me with my parents who love me. I have missed you more than I have realized. We talk almost everyday, but rarely get below the surface. I know that's my fault, and I am working to change that. Thanks for loving me not matter what. Whatever I am going through, that is one thing I will always know is true. 

I hope you know that I love you both no matter what as well. I am so blessed to have both my parents still, & to be able to reach out to you. You have blessed me to have the Gospel in my life, and for that alone I am more grateful that words can express. But, you have also blessed both mine & my family's lives with physical abundance as well. Thank you for all you do for us. 

I love you both very much!

love,

T.

Joyfully Hopeful Breakdown Breakthrough

Twice in one day is a lot to blog, but I just need to today. Tonight I had a breakdown breakthrough. I know that those two words seem to contradict each other, but it's the only way to describe what happened. I had a breakdown tonight and in the process I had a huge emotional breakthrough. Well a huge breakthrough in identifying some of my emotions anyway.

I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.

I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).

It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE. 

I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn.  Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.

Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope). 

Joyfully hopeful,

T.

My Story

I know I have shared parts of my story on the blog, but after reading more on recovery, I feel the need to share my whole story, or my whole story up until this point.

I loved to flirt and date when I was a teenager and my number one goal in life was to get married and have babies. I loved being part of a family and wanted to start my own "happily ever after". My parents marriage wasn't always great, but I was going to do better, I was going to be happier. Oh to have the knowledge I have now and the optimism I had as a teenager. I have since come to realize that we create our "happily ever after" through hard work, sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and pain. I digress, I am putting the horse before the cart here by sharing what I have learned before sharing how I learned it.

As I was saying, I wanted to be married, badly. I wanted to be loved and cherished, taken care of and have someone to take care of. I'm not saying that I regret marrying my husband, because I don't. I love my husband and am sincerely working on being "in love" with him again. I want to rediscover that spark and light that first brought us together. Again, horse, cart, sorry, back on track. 

I met my husband country dancing. We both went dancing on Friday nights, him because his sister dragged him and me because I wanted to meet boys. We would both arrive a little early and help set up for the dance, we would both take a shift taking money at the door and then help clean up so that we could get in for free, since we were both in school. We were all part of the same group of friends, but I knew his brother and sisters more than I knew him. He was quiet and reserved and liked being in the background, where as I am anything but quiet and back then loved to goof around and be loud. I started scheduling my shifts to sit and take money at the same time as his, and I started attending some single adult dances that he helped with. All in hopes that he would ask me out. He didn't, not until I gave him my phone number and told him we should go fishing sometime (it was something we both liked to do). He finally asked me to go with him and his little brother fishing. On the way home his brother and I had a belching contest, I figured if he would ask me out again after that I had it made. Well he asked me out again the very next day and we were engaged two short months after that. 

We were young, I was 20 and he was 23 when we got engaged. Due to meddling parents on my side and hands-off parents on his side, we ended up postponing our original wedding date from December to March. This meant a seven month engagement to get into "trouble" morally as well as having to see both of our bishops. It finally got to the point where either we couldn't be alone together or we weren't going to make it to the Temple. We made it. During his Spring Break and the middle of my semester, we were sealed for time and all eternity in front of our family and friends.

The first year was hard (well every year was hard). We had NO IDEA what it took to run a household having never lived on our own (other than my husband's two year mission for our church which is a very "structured" living on your own). We didn't know how to manage money or pay bills, balance a checkbook or make a budget and stick to it. As I now reflect back on that time, a lot of our problems were a symptom of a bigger problem that I was not even aware of at the time. My husband's pornography addiction.

I'm not rewriting history here, I was not prepared to be a wife and we have had a lot of struggles that we didn't need to have because of it. I'm just saying that a lot of our problems were compounded by the person my husband became because of his pornography addiction. 

A couple of years into our marriage I was looking for ways for us to be closer and happier as a couple. We were at a local video store and I saw the porn movies and thought "maybe this will work". It only took a few times of watching together to "enhance our sex life" to realize they were doing more harm than good. We decided together not to watch anymore. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the problem.

A few years later, when we had one child I discovered that B had been looking at naked women and masturbating while I wasn't home. What!?! Why wasn't I enough? Maybe if I lose weight and get skinny he won't look at porn. Maybe if I have sex more and dress in sexy lingerie he won't need porn. It's taken me years and years to realize that it wouldn't matter if I was a Playboy Bunny willing to do whatever, whenever he wanted, it wouldn't "fix" his problem. I can't fix it for him, he has to do that. I still sometimes struggle to remember this.

I feel like I am rambling, but it seems like the only way I can get this whole story out. In bits and pieces as I remember them. I am sorry if it seems disjointed but I am telling it the only way I know how. It's my story to own, so I am owning it, in whatever disheveled way it comes out.

Many wives stories I have read talk about D-day. I don't remember a specific D-day. I remember several discoveries by myself, admissions by my husband, days I was ready to quit and days I just said "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em".  This has been a process of addiction, enabling, lies, hope, heartbreak, forgiveness, counseling, attempted recovery, selfishness, pain, betrayal and eventually hard and painful  work. Let me just share with you the most recent chapter in our story.

A few months ago, probably right around our anniversary in March or my 40th birthday in April, I'm not sure which, I had had enough. B was not working to recover. He was thoughtless, selfish and only looking out for himself. He had taken so much of my life that I was numb. I was numb to pain, numb to joy, just plain numb. I was done. I was done with my marriage. I knew I couldn't in good conscience leave B without knowing I had done everything in my power to make my marriage healthy, I'm just not built that way. I went to see a counselor and at first he refused to go with me. I knew I had to go and work on my own issues and fixing me before I could say I had given it all I had. The second visit he came with me to help participate in some testing the counselor wanted to do, and he continued seeing her with me after that. We worked with her, and she opened the doors for both of us to truly want to make an honest effort at saving our marriage. She is not a specialist in sexual addictions or recovery, so she could only take us so far, but she opened the door, and for that I will always be grateful.

We are now both seeing individual counselors that specialize in recovery from sexual addictions for addicts and spouses. I am working on my own recovery. I honestly didn't recognize in all my years of study, counseling and soul searching, that I had to recover too. I always wanted to be supportive and help B "fix" himself. It's only been the last few weeks that I have honestly realized that I need some serious "fixing" because of the betrayal I have felt. I was numb for so long that I didn't realize how much of my pain and hurt I had shoved inside. It came out in the form of orneriness, a food addiction and pure honest to goodness anger directed at my family. My kids have suffered because of this anger, and I am working on controlling it. 

I know that this is going to be a long journey. I know that I have a long ways to go before I will trust anyone in general again. I am hoping that B will continue to work on his recovery and try to gain my trust back as I heal. I am hesitantly hopeful for the first time, maybe the first time ever, that there might be a way of emerging from this pit with my marriage not only intact but stronger than it has ever been. I have bad days. I have good days. I am working through all the anger and trying to turn it into the will to fight FOR my family instead of fighting WITH my family.

I am broken, I am working at healing. It is a slow, painful and arduous process. I want to get better overnight. I want that peace now. I know that's not possible. I know that I have to walk the uphill battle before a little relief will gradually come. I am working everyday to turn this over to the Lord and let him guide me. I am praying for hope, healing and love to come into my family.

Sharing my story,

T.

Disclosure

I had my surgery yesterday and everything went well. I am tired and sore but I really feel much better than I expected to. My whole goal for the first few days after surgery was to rest, catch up on my DVR, read the book I treated myself to and enjoy some down time. Funny how sometimes HE has other plans for us, because all I've been able to think about today is working on recovery. I don't have much stamina, but while I've been reading and vegging out in front of the TV, I've been restless and itchy to work on recovery. This morning I was reading an Instagram post from @thelightkeepers about how when she was in crisis after finding out that her husband wasn't truly in recovery her dad flew out and took care of her and loved her and cried with her. All I could think was that some days I wish my daddy would be able to do that so unconditionally. I don't think I will ever be able to disclose this to my parents, they love me very much, but they already feel the need to meddle in our marriage, they wouldn't understand this. It breaks my heart, but my already strained marriage doesn't need any additional judgement heaped on it. 

It is very interesting to me that this is coming up this week. B and I have talked a bit lately about who and when we will disclose this to, and who we never plan to disclose it to. I also talked with my counselor this week a little about disclosure. This is obviously something that is important to me right now. B has said that he trusts me in who and when I disclose things to, and I'm glad because I have needed the love and support of those close to me and have been able to get that by sharing this with them. I am so constantly amazed by the love and support shown to us. In most cases the judgement I thought would inevitably come, hasn't. I have had so many of my friends reach out and say, we love you we are here for you, your forthrightness and honesty is amazing. I don't feel amazing, I feel amazed. I am constantly amazed at the people that my Heavenly Father has chosen to place around me. I'm having a hard time writing through my tears right now as I think of all the amazing and wonderful people in my life. It has been so uplifting to me to feel the love and support of those around me.

As we continue to work through our recovery, both individually and together, I know we will give more disclosures and that we will share them with more people. I hope that by sharing our story, others will feel more free to share theirs. I also hope that I can be the support to others that I have felt myself surrounded by. There may be numerous posts from me for the next couple of weeks as I will be off work and spending a lot of time on my recovery. I am so thankful for the outlet I have in writing this blog and for the respect we have been shown in the cyber community. 

Recovering emotionally while I recover physically,

T.

Opening the Emotional Vaults

We have definitely had an eye opening week here. Well, maybe eye opening isn't the right word, more like a vault opening week. We have opened our emotional vaults and let a little of the reserve go. It's been a painful and difficult process, but overall I think it has been at least somewhat enlightening for both of us. Honesty is such a double edged sword sometimes, it is so painful to hear but can lead to such a great reward…recovery.

***Warning: Some of this post might be a little bit TMI, read on at your own risk***

When B posted the other day that I had rejected him, he's right, I did. Twice in one day I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I didn't feel safe enough emotionally to have sex. Not 'make love' you say? Nope. We haven't made love in a really long time, it's been sex between us for quite some time now. That is probably a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it for now. It's always been really hard for B when I have not accepted his sexual advances, but I think this is the first time I have ever been completely honest with him and told him that I didn't feel emotionally safe. I haven't felt safe for a long time, but I have always had the thought in the back of my mind, "If I don't have sex with him is he going to turn to porn?" I know anyone out there reading this who has any experience with sexual addiction KNOWS that this isn't true. Intellectually I know it's not true, but emotionally, that a whole different story. I am an intelligent woman, my brain knows that B turning to his addiction to cope is NOT about my willingness to have sex, my heart still has trouble accepting that after all these years.

That then led to me admitting to B that I have a great fear of him relapsing in the near future. The reason for this fear is that next week I am having surgery to fix my leaky bladder (see a lot of TMI in this post), and after surgery I will have complete pelvic rest for SIX WEEKS. Yes, I said SIX WEEKS. That means no sex for B or me for six weeks. Naturally, that dang fragile heart of mine wonders, 'how is he going to go six weeks without sex or porn?' He of course wanted to know if I would be willing to do "other things" to help him work off some of that frustration…I told him "I don't know", in all honesty, I doubt it. That is all about him, not about us and doesn't really help me heal at all. The really hard part for me? I shouldn't have to worry about this. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I even considered postponing my surgery until we were a little further in to recovery, but now is the best time for me to have it and I don't want to put off my health because of his addiction.

There have been a lot of tears shed between us this week. B gets hurt, upset and frustrated that I am not supportive of his recovery because I don't celebrate the progress he has made and have faith that he won't relapse. I get hurt, upset, frustrated and downright mad that he can't see how hard this is for me to celebrate because I still feel that my needs are not being met. A couple of weeks ago I gave him a list of things that I needed from him to feel safe in our relationship. He still feels like I'm punishing him with them and honestly doesn't even remember what most of them are, except the ones he feels he can't meet. I really tried to keep my cool and not raise my voice and yell like I tend to do and I did a pretty decent job at it for most of our discussion. This is a huge step for me. Eventually the discussion deteriorated to a mutual hurt fest and became highly unproductive and we both ended up feeling hurt and unloved. We still haven't resolved a lot of this and it's a huge road block right now, but it's something we need to take a step away from for the time being. I don't think we will reach any sort of agreement on this until we both work through some of our individual recovery.

I am meeting with a new counselor on Thursday, a woman who specializes in counseling individuals and couples working through the process of recovery from sexual addictions. I decided that I needed to see someone on my own. B goes back to see his counselor next week. They are both in the same office and I hope in the future we can have some sessions together, but right now I need to work through some of my recovery independently.

I really have hope that our family can heal and that we will come out the other side of this stronger than we have ever been. I told B the other day that I think it is going to get worse before it gets better and in all reality, that scares the crap out of me. I have made a commitment to work on our recovery for six months without making any kind of final decision and will reevaluate at that time. The actual date in my mind is a little less than six months from now, it's our twentieth wedding anniversary next March. My goal is that in that six months we will have made enough progress to be able to shut that emotional vault, knowing that at any time we can open it and share what is inside freely and without reservation. I hope that as the bankers of our emotional vaults that we can loan each other the emotional, spiritual and loving support that we need to become the dynamic couple that we both hoped we could be when we started this journey together. I am going to nurture that seed of hope for now, praying that it grows every day.

Hesitantly hopeful,

T.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff...

Last night was a rough night. I had a melt down. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, or if it was just a combination of things, but melt down I did. I'm not going to throw blame or spill all the gory details, because frankly I don't want to relive them, I just want to learn and grow from them. What was at the heart of the entire episode was that I feel like I'm one of the Three Little Pigs, and that the Big Bad Wolf is standing outside.

I told B, in a very watery and sniffly display, that I feel like at any minute everything is going to come tumbling down around me. As you can imagine with B off work and us being like most Americans, our financial picture isn't the shiniest. I feel like B is making positive changes but not necessarily the ones I need him to make. At work things have been very hectic and stressful and are only looking to get more stressful. I am scheduled to have some minor surgery next month and I won't be able to get a lot done for a couple of weeks after that. I feel like all of this put together is a very shaky house made of straw and that The Big Bad Wolf (aka. Satan) is standing outside waiting and he is starting to huff and puff and at any minute it is all going to come crashing down. I didn't even realize until last night that I was feeling this way, but once I really looked at what was bothering me I saw it, as clear as day, I am waiting for the crash. 

Just like B, I am very overwhelmed. I feel like for every step forward we take that we take three steps back. He thinks things are going well, well he thought that until the nuclear fall-out last night. I kept thinking, how can he not see? I guess I'm not communicating well enough with him. I don't think we are doing well, I think we are treading water, at least I feel like I am treading water in our relationship. I feel like I am afraid to move forward for fear of getting my heart broken yet again. It's like I have so little faith in his recovery that I don't even want to hope for a better future. That in turn, it ends up hurting him. It hurts him that I can't simply trust that he is working at recovery and that things are getting better. I don't want to hurt him, but I am so afraid of not being protected that I can't seem to move past the hurt right now. 

I was rereading this post, where I talked about things I wish B knew, and what I said there remains unchanged. These three things particularly stuck out to me, so I am going to repeat them:

-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.

-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making. 

-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.

I really do want you to succeed, and I really do want to have hope, but I'm really struggling with that right now. Be patient please. Please meet me at least half way, be willing to sacrifice what you want for what I need in order to build my trust in you. I can't make you change, but I am asking you, please make the changes you need to make in order for us to move forward. I will work on building my own faith as well.

Tonight, for now, we are safe. Our house is still standing and all the huffing and puffing hasn't blown it down yet.

With a sincere prayer in my heart,

T.

Step 3 and the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I had a post written that I was very happy with, then I accidentally pasted something over it and clicked out of it…poof…it was gone. I tried to recover it, but alas I am not that techno savvy, and it seemed much less a waste of my time to simply rewrite it. I hope I can remember what I wanted to say, sometimes once the words are out there that's all I have in me.

Anyone who has ever attended a 12 Step meeting of any kind knows the prayer above. Likely many who have not attended a 12 Step meeting know it as well. This prayer is part of Step 3, Trusting in God. This is a step that I struggle with but tonight a lot of it became much more clear.  

B and I attended a meeting tonight and brought a friend with us. We were talking about Step 3. As we were taking turns reading from the manual, this sentence really struck me, "At first our efforts were anxious and halting. We kept giving the Lord our trust and then taking it back." This is where I am, this constant struggle within myself to turn my life over to Him and to let him lead me the way I need to go. Some days it's really easy to say, "I'm your's, do with me what is best." Other days, not so much. Sometimes it's even a battle from one minute to the next. The way I see it, every minute that I let Him lead me is one more minute than I had done so before.

As I was listening to others read and share I was really surprised by another seed of knowledge that was planted tonight. I have focused for so many years on how B's addiction was destroying our  marriage and home and that is something that I CANNOT change. What? I can't change him? I can't FORCE him to change? Who says? Oh wait, I remember, it's something that I have been trying to change for years, and I haven't managed it yet, maybe it's time to turn that over to Him and trust that as B seeks his recovery that Heavenly Father will guide him. 

I need to focus on the things I CAN change. I CAN change my actions, I CAN change how I treat B, I CAN change my own behaviors and I CAN change the spirit in my home by turning my will over to Him to guide me where I should go. This doesn't mean that B gets a "free pass" and that I am willing to accept him acting out on his addiction, it just means that I am acknowledging that I am POWERLESS to change him. I can only trust that my Father in Heaven will guide me to know how to best help myself and my family. I CAN turn my will over to Him and let him help us heal our family.

In our faith we tend to only use a handful of rote prayers, our prayers are usually more freely spoken and not scripted. However, the prayer above is one I intend to pray every day to my Heavenly Father, to incorporate it into my daily prayers. Please, Father in Heaven help me to focus on the things I CAN change and move past the things that I CANNOT change. Help me to know the difference between the two.

Humbly,

T.

Love Grows

I find inside the words to say

The things I feel, the thoughts I pray

Why is it easier to think than say

Let me share my thoughts today 

The one idea that keeps coming back

The one that just might get us on track

It's as precious as anything sent from above

And that one thing is simply love

Love is the one gift given each day

That multiples as we give it away

If we focus on love and freely give

A bountiful life each day we'll live

T.

I wrote this simple verse last night, not because I think love will fix everything that is broken in our lives, but rather that nothing broken can be fixed without it. 

Codependent Some More

I wasn't going to blog yet, I was trying to give myself a break to filter and process my words, so that in the heat of the moment I don't say something I regret. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, mad, upset, all of the above…but I didn't yell and scream tonight, I didn't even cry. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it just is right now. I finally realized that until I get some of my thoughts out, I'm not going to be able to sleep, and since I have to be up in less than three hours for work, I need at least a little sleep.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being codependent. She is reading the book Codependent No More and was telling me a little bit about it. Hello! I've often thought I was codependent, and it is really being reinforced to me now that I probably am. I am a caregiver, a saver if you will, of the downtrodden. I need to be needed…up to a point…then I need to not be needed at all anymore because it overwhelms me. Ok that sounds a little circle-ish but it's like this, I need to feel needed by others, to feel valuable to others per se…but when they start to depend on me for almost everything, or at least more than I think they should, then I don't want them to need me at all anymore, it's too overwhelming.

I found this about codependency on Wikipedia: People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

I often put others' needs before my own, when it's my children it's a given that their needs usually come first (note: needs, not wants), but I find myself doing this at work as well. I catch myself going, I'll just answer this one more instant message or email and help with this task then I'll go heat up my lunch. I need to be better at going, that question can wait for a few minutes until I get some food in my belly or use the bathroom or get some sunshine…whatever it might be that I need to do to better care for myself. Sometimes it can't be helped, others needs have to come first, but I want to become better at recognizing and prioritizing my own needs.

The second part of that statement that rang a bell with me is the last sentence, "When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty." This is how I feel more often than B, or even I, probably realizes. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and cause anyone pain. It's very difficult for me. I am working on turning that guilt over to my Heavenly Father and lifting the load from my own shoulders. 

I kind-of sound like a mess when I put it all out there like that, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict. How does that sound? It sounds like a heck of a label that I am unwilling to stick on myself. Let me start over, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict Daughter of God. That's it. I am who I am and I was made in the image of my Father in Heaven. I am going to try and embrace that simple fact every single day!

Reflectively,

T.

What I Wish He Knew

I was reading this post about what Dobble Addy wishes our Church Leaders knew, at makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com and it struck a chord in me. I have been thinking about it a lot this week. It is a great list about the things that wives of sexual addicts wish we could make others understand, especially if those others are our leaders. It has caused me to consider what I would put on my list of things I wish others knew about me.

-I am an intelligent, educated, professional woman
-I have a great capacity to love. I love quickly and easily.
-I have an innate sense of trust in the people around me. I almost always think that everyone has the best intentions.
-I don't have much of a verbal filter, I often say things before I even have a chance to think about them. This can be a double edged sword.
-I honestly in my heart of hearts don't EVER want anyone to hurt. No matter how much they have hurt me, I still don't want to see them hurting. It's excruciating if I am the one causing the pain.
-Despite not wanting to see others hurting, I often let my emotions get the best of me and inflict pain in the form of lashing out. I always regret it and wish I could take it back. I am working on this.
-I used to be a mostly happy person all the time, lately it seems like I am a mostly angry and unhappy person. I want to change that. I want to change ME.
-I have dealt with all my emotional pain by eating. I have a food addiction that I am powerless to fight on my own. I need my Heavenly Father in my corner and I am working at turning my heart over to Him.
-Despite the fact that I am emotionally exhausted I still want to be able to give of myself to those around me.

Now I would like to write a harder list. This is a list of what I wish B knew and understood.

-I still love you.
-You have broken my heart over and over again and I am really afraid to trust you with it again. I have erected an emotional wall towards you and I am having a really hard time deconstructing it.
-I WANT to celebrate all the positive changes you are making in your life.
-I know it frustrates you that I am still so angry and distrusting, I'm sorry. I will repeat what I said in the list above, I want to change that.
-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.
-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making.
-I need you to work on recovery for you. I need to not be your motivation because ultimately unless you are making the choices for yourself you will fail.
-I need you to take responsibility for yourself. What I mean is, I need to not feel that something I do or say is going to trigger a relapse. I can't carry that burden. I am trying to release myself of it and I need you to release me as well.
-I need you to follow the rules you have outlined for our family.
-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.
-I need you to be patient and not give up on me. I haven't given up on you or our marriage in nineteen years, not until recently anyway (and obviously I haven't completely given up or I wouldn't still be here fighting for our family).
-Lastly I want you to know that I love you (yes I am repeating this), I am trying to hope for healing in our marriage and find my faith again. 

Broken but trying to heal,

T.