Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Joyfully Hopeful Breakdown Breakthrough

Twice in one day is a lot to blog, but I just need to today. Tonight I had a breakdown breakthrough. I know that those two words seem to contradict each other, but it's the only way to describe what happened. I had a breakdown tonight and in the process I had a huge emotional breakthrough. Well a huge breakthrough in identifying some of my emotions anyway.

I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.

I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).

It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE. 

I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn.  Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.

Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope). 

Joyfully hopeful,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Feeling Accepted

One of hardest struggles I have faced in my life is feeling accepted. I have always been somewhat socially awkward. Growing up I had very few friends. As I grew into my teens the few friends that I had began to tease me. I was also bullied by other kids at school. My sixth grade year was especially rough. I have carried this burden into adulthood. I still have very few friends. In fact I really don't have any friends other than the couple friends that have formed through my wife's friendships. I really don't have a lot in common with any of them. To make matters worse, I was fired from a job several years ago. To this day I still don't know exactly why I was fired. They told me they needed to lay someone off, but when I asked if I was being laid off, they told me I was being terminated. The reasons they gave were weak. I had been given a performance evaluation 3 months prior to this, and they told me I was doing a fantastic job. I had been given no indication since that time that there was anything wrong. This was a huge blow to my self confidence. I haven't felt completely safe in a work environment since that time.

I realized this weekend that throughout my life I have turned to my addiction to self medicate to try to alleviate the feelings of rejection. I look at porn and fantasize that some beautiful woman wants me, to help myself feel accepted. Of course that feeling only lasts as long as the fantasy. When it is over I feel even worse. I feel like I am some sex crazed creep. I think that if people knew the real me they would be disgusted. So again the wall goes up, making it very hard to make friends. It is a vicious cycle. I need to get out of this cycle. I don't really know how. My counselor tells me I need to find male friends to help support me for my recovery. That is very difficult when I have these walls.

Yesterday there were a couple times when I felt my wife was rejecting me. in both instances I realized that these feelings came from my own selfishness. I hate feeling hurt when I know I shouldn't.

I am discouraged. My wife an I had an argument last night. It seems we both are having a difficult time trying to figure out our individual recoveries. She has always been an enabler. She is trying to focus on her recovery, and tells me she has nothing to give me. I know that I can't blame her for any of my addiction, but I really would like her help. I love her, and want to make things work. We both seem to deal with our challenges by hurting each other. I'm hoping that as we continue to work, that things will get better. We are scheduled to start LifeStar at the end of October. I am looking forward to this. I really hope that it will help us learn who we are as individuals and as a couple.

B.

Love Grows

I find inside the words to say

The things I feel, the thoughts I pray

Why is it easier to think than say

Let me share my thoughts today 

The one idea that keeps coming back

The one that just might get us on track

It's as precious as anything sent from above

And that one thing is simply love

Love is the one gift given each day

That multiples as we give it away

If we focus on love and freely give

A bountiful life each day we'll live

T.

I wrote this simple verse last night, not because I think love will fix everything that is broken in our lives, but rather that nothing broken can be fixed without it. 

Codependent Some More

I wasn't going to blog yet, I was trying to give myself a break to filter and process my words, so that in the heat of the moment I don't say something I regret. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, mad, upset, all of the above…but I didn't yell and scream tonight, I didn't even cry. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it just is right now. I finally realized that until I get some of my thoughts out, I'm not going to be able to sleep, and since I have to be up in less than three hours for work, I need at least a little sleep.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being codependent. She is reading the book Codependent No More and was telling me a little bit about it. Hello! I've often thought I was codependent, and it is really being reinforced to me now that I probably am. I am a caregiver, a saver if you will, of the downtrodden. I need to be needed…up to a point…then I need to not be needed at all anymore because it overwhelms me. Ok that sounds a little circle-ish but it's like this, I need to feel needed by others, to feel valuable to others per se…but when they start to depend on me for almost everything, or at least more than I think they should, then I don't want them to need me at all anymore, it's too overwhelming.

I found this about codependency on Wikipedia: People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

I often put others' needs before my own, when it's my children it's a given that their needs usually come first (note: needs, not wants), but I find myself doing this at work as well. I catch myself going, I'll just answer this one more instant message or email and help with this task then I'll go heat up my lunch. I need to be better at going, that question can wait for a few minutes until I get some food in my belly or use the bathroom or get some sunshine…whatever it might be that I need to do to better care for myself. Sometimes it can't be helped, others needs have to come first, but I want to become better at recognizing and prioritizing my own needs.

The second part of that statement that rang a bell with me is the last sentence, "When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty." This is how I feel more often than B, or even I, probably realizes. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and cause anyone pain. It's very difficult for me. I am working on turning that guilt over to my Heavenly Father and lifting the load from my own shoulders. 

I kind-of sound like a mess when I put it all out there like that, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict. How does that sound? It sounds like a heck of a label that I am unwilling to stick on myself. Let me start over, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict Daughter of God. That's it. I am who I am and I was made in the image of my Father in Heaven. I am going to try and embrace that simple fact every single day!

Reflectively,

T.

What I Wish He Knew

I was reading this post about what Dobble Addy wishes our Church Leaders knew, at makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com and it struck a chord in me. I have been thinking about it a lot this week. It is a great list about the things that wives of sexual addicts wish we could make others understand, especially if those others are our leaders. It has caused me to consider what I would put on my list of things I wish others knew about me.

-I am an intelligent, educated, professional woman
-I have a great capacity to love. I love quickly and easily.
-I have an innate sense of trust in the people around me. I almost always think that everyone has the best intentions.
-I don't have much of a verbal filter, I often say things before I even have a chance to think about them. This can be a double edged sword.
-I honestly in my heart of hearts don't EVER want anyone to hurt. No matter how much they have hurt me, I still don't want to see them hurting. It's excruciating if I am the one causing the pain.
-Despite not wanting to see others hurting, I often let my emotions get the best of me and inflict pain in the form of lashing out. I always regret it and wish I could take it back. I am working on this.
-I used to be a mostly happy person all the time, lately it seems like I am a mostly angry and unhappy person. I want to change that. I want to change ME.
-I have dealt with all my emotional pain by eating. I have a food addiction that I am powerless to fight on my own. I need my Heavenly Father in my corner and I am working at turning my heart over to Him.
-Despite the fact that I am emotionally exhausted I still want to be able to give of myself to those around me.

Now I would like to write a harder list. This is a list of what I wish B knew and understood.

-I still love you.
-You have broken my heart over and over again and I am really afraid to trust you with it again. I have erected an emotional wall towards you and I am having a really hard time deconstructing it.
-I WANT to celebrate all the positive changes you are making in your life.
-I know it frustrates you that I am still so angry and distrusting, I'm sorry. I will repeat what I said in the list above, I want to change that.
-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.
-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making.
-I need you to work on recovery for you. I need to not be your motivation because ultimately unless you are making the choices for yourself you will fail.
-I need you to take responsibility for yourself. What I mean is, I need to not feel that something I do or say is going to trigger a relapse. I can't carry that burden. I am trying to release myself of it and I need you to release me as well.
-I need you to follow the rules you have outlined for our family.
-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.
-I need you to be patient and not give up on me. I haven't given up on you or our marriage in nineteen years, not until recently anyway (and obviously I haven't completely given up or I wouldn't still be here fighting for our family).
-Lastly I want you to know that I love you (yes I am repeating this), I am trying to hope for healing in our marriage and find my faith again. 

Broken but trying to heal,

T.

Honesty

In our 12 Step meeting yesterday we were discussing Step 1: Honesty. This is the step I am currently working on. It is also the step that I see B struggle the most with…honesty. I feel like he not only isn't honest with me, he isn't honest with himself either. I really feel like he needs to study and evaluate this step every.single.day. I'll say it again…he needs to evaluate this every.single.day. He needs to ask himself, am I being honest with myself, do I really feel like I am powerless over this addiction? It may seem harsh to criticize his "working the steps" and how I feel he should do it, because I know, as does anyone involved with an addict, that their pride can make them push back against such harsh criticism. Let me explain a little further why I feel this way.

B has said that it frustrates him that I don't trust him. I get that, I really do. It frustrates me at times that I can't just "get over it" and trust that he is truly working at recovery. The truth is, he isn't working hard at recovery. Let me explain it using an analogy. Let's say B is a beautiful antique mahogany table. Now we know mahogany is expensive and prized for high end furniture, just like B is prized as a husband, father and child of God. Well his addiction is like years of abuse happening to this table, it's nicked, scarred, has it's varnish missing in a lot of spots, there are water rings that over the years have created permanent damage to the table top, the legs are wobbly and loose. Over the years he has tried to repair himself…braced a leg here, thrown a cloth over the worst spots, propped the table in the corer so it had support, but never really "fixed" the problems. Lately he has been putting more effort into repairing the table. He has fixed the wobbly legs with a patch job underneath. He has started to sand out some of the varnish to make the table ready for a stronger polyurethane coating to help it resist future damage and has found a beautiful tablecloth to accent the table. The table is staged with quality items and looks like on the outside it is ready for use. The problem is, he hasn't really addressed the issues of the table, but has made a stronger effort at bracing the problems and starting to wear them down. The legs are only marginally stronger and the top is still scarred and pitted. The top needs a good sanding and the legs need a more permanent fix…or in other words B needs to take things back to the beginning and adequately repair the foundation of the table and sand it down until nothing of the old scratches and dings remain. He really has started the project of repairing himself, and to the naked eye it looks good, but the hard work remains. He needs to take things down to the bare bones and start building from the bottom up. He needs to address the issues that cause him to turn to porn in the first place. He needs to be honest that while he is "white knuckling" it through right now, he hasn't addressed the actual powerlessness he truly has in this situation.

I think the rules he has made are a great start at controlling the behaviors, I don't really believe he honestly has admitted to himself just how completely this addiction controls his life. He has replaced the addiction for the time being with something better, but he hasn't really addressed the fact that he is completely powerless over this, it is much bigger than he is. For over fifteen years now I have watched him try to make the table stronger through temporary measures, but these always fail, because he isn't doing the work and working the steps. I have read and reread the information on Step 1 in the recovery manual. I have taken notes, marked scriptures and really tried to be honest and admit that I can't control my food addiction but I am not quite ready to make every change I need to make. Why is it ok for me and not for him you ask? It's not ok for me, and I don't trust myself to always turn my will over to the Lord and to be honest in my powerlessness. The problem comes in the fact that I don't trust B period. It  is going to take a lot to build that up. He is going to have to work the steps. He's going to have to take notes, read scriptures, work in his workbook, not have excuses and really and sincerely start meeting even my basic emotional needs before I will be able to start thinking about trusting him.

I often feel guilty about the anger, mistrust and animosity that I frequently feel about his recovery, but I'm trying to let that go. I have to let him make the choices on his own and live the consequences that may come with those choices. I am often worried that by having such feelings of apathy towards his recovery that I will in some way set him back. That is not my call, he will do what he will do regardless of how I think or feel. The problem is the complacency I see on his part when he has "resisted" for a short length of time. He's not working at recovery, he's working at making that table look beautiful without taking the time and effort to create a permanent fix.

I am working on setting my boundaries, the boundaries that I need to set in order to start to feel safe in my home and my relationship. Some of these boundaries will be tough for B to accept but I have to feel safe, and I don't. This was going to be a short post but apparently I needed to get more of the story out there.

T.

Not a Feel Good Post

I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I'm angry. I'm angry at a lot of things, but mostly just mad at my life in general. I want to just put it all out there for now, maybe it will help get some of the anger and frustration I am feeling resolved. If you need an uplifting and hopeful post, this is not the one for you. It's not going to sound hopeful and it may even sound a bit selfish and ranty. Consider yourself warned, today is not a day for sunshine and rainbows but rather for thunder, lightning and wind.

It seems like lately I need my rain gear and umbrella. I know I am choosing to focus on the bad, but I'm hoping that by getting it out there I will be able to let it go. It seems like when it rains it pours. Let's just start with the expenses and homeowner problems we've had lately. We have a three year old refrigerator that we have had to sink $400+ dollars into and it still isn't fixed (thank goodness we kept the old one and have it in the garage to act as a stand in). Then, our vehicle has been stalling as we drive it down the road and with B out of work we can't afford to take it in to the shop to be looked at, so we are down to one vehicle with three drivers all going different directions. Then B sent me a picture today on my phone of where a mouse or something has made a hole all the way from the outside of the garage through the door frame into the garage. Oh and did I mention, that this has caused water damage from all our rain we've gotten lately? Are you serious!?! We live in a three year old home for crying out loud!!! So, now we have to call an exterminator to come find the pest and rid us of it, so we don't have to keep fixing the same hole. As a result, I took tomorrow off of work very last minute to get things in the garage straightened out so we can get it organized and make sure that that is the only damage. On a positive note, did I mention how awesome my co-workers are? They didn't even bat an eye at covering for me tomorrow so I could take care of things. 

Now, I'll just touch on the emotional baggage I'm trying to clean out right now. My mom called to talk last night (we talk almost every day) and decided that she needed to give me her opinion on what we need to improve on in order for B to find a job. It ended up being a nasty discussion that we both ended up in tears from. It really threw me for a loop and upset B because of some of the things she said. I've tried to let it go today, knowing that she is my mom and she only wants what she thinks is the best for me and that even when she is mad at me she still loves me. Sometimes that's easier said than done. I've also had such conflicting emotions about my "worthiness" to seek recovery as the wife of a porn addict. I keep thinking, "What right do I have to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband's actions when I have my own addictions to deal with?" I am still really trying to come to grips with the fact that just because I have my own faults doesn't excuse B from the pain he has caused me. It's pretty tempting to just say I don't deserve to feel this way and so I'm not going to look for support. The logical part of me knows that this is my own shame and guilt eating away at me and that I am as much in need of recovery and healing from the pain caused to me as I am from the addictions that have a hold of me. 

None of this even begins to address my feelings about B's recovery and how it is progressing and how I am working through all that. I will save that for another day as I'm having a hard time keeping my eyelids open right now. 

I am sorry for the ranting jag and that I didn't have something uplifting or hopeful to post today. It is what it is today. You get the unadulterated ugly truth here, it's the only way we are going to heal. I needed to let that all go tonight so that I can face my day tomorrow with optimism as to what can be accomplished. We only need to turn it over to Him. 

Worn out and frustrated,

T.

Real Romance

I admit to having a guilty pleasure, it's all things related to The Bachelor. I know, it's a crazy reality program with no basis in reality. I know this. I have always viewed it as harmless, to me anyway, entertainment. I like to laugh with, cry for, be invested in and follow the couples from the show, even though the logical part of me knows that it will be difficult to sustain any sort of relationship when you are back in "real life". I guess it's the hopeless romantic in me that wants everyone to get their happily-ever-after. Yes, I can see you rolling your eyes and shaking your head…I'm doing it as well. It finally hit me tonight as I was catching up on 'Bachelor In Paradise' that the show really is just a highly publicized and funded opportunity to play-the-field. Let's not even begin to elaborate on the immorality of how many men/women the Bachelor/Bachelorette participants kiss and the three potential spouses that they spend a night in the 'fantasy suite' with.

I have previously eschewed the summer fill-in bachelor spin-off, because it really is all about hooking-up. I decided to give this season's new twist a try. Hook-ups, drama, sleeping together on the first date, going home with someone to meet their parents after knowing them only three days, women fighting over men, the provocative clothing. WOWZA! Is all I can say. And this is on primetime programming? Where my kids can see it? So not ok with that.

It's been easy for me to rationalize watching this franchise because of the "true love" element and the fact that I don't take it too seriously. I'm done rationalizing and minimizing the impact this has on my own view of relationships. It will actually be really hard not to watch the upcoming season, but I will find other ways to occupy my time.

I want to learn about healthy relationships and how to strengthen my own. In order to do that I have to rid myself of my 'guilty pleasures' and focus on more positive and uplifting fare.

Making better choices,

T.

My Load Has Been Lightened

I've created a support network for myself. It is one I wish I had had fifteen years ago. It is the thing I wish most for anyone whose partner is suffering from addiction. ANY kind of addiction, but especially a sex addiction. I wish everyone had a place they could share their stories, their experiences and their emotions that is free of judgement and censure. There are so many out there that suffer alone and silently, just like I did for over ten years, and they just don't need to. Everyone needs a support system that they can turn to no matter how ugly things get. I hope that by sharing my experiences here that y'all will feel like you can reach out to my husband or me free of judgement, especially if you aren't ready to share your trials with anyone around you. 

Back to my original point, my support network. It has only been in recent days that I have really felt able to voice some of our story to more than just a handful of people. Most of the people I have previously shared my story with, I shared because I wanted them to know that they had someplace to turn. It was so they would feel less alone, not so I would.  Well, that's changed in the last few weeks, I've needed to know that I wasn't alone. I've needed the people close to me to "see" me, the good, the bad and the ugly.  At the risk of losing some of my pride, I humbled myself enough to open up to a few people around me so that I could reach out to them for support. You may think that it was not a humbling that had to happen but rather a humiliation, but that is far from true. It is absolutely humbling to lay yourself bare and risk the judgement you are sure will come, even from those that you know truly care about you. I feel like every time I share with someone I care about I risk losing them in my life. That has never proven to be the case, but it's still a fear of mine. 

The first experience of true fear of sharing came a few weeks ago when I shared with B's sister a little of what we are going through. I'm not really sure she was ready to hear it and I'm sure it was not something she ever wanted to hear about one of her brothers, but she listened, and I didn't feel judged. I was so upset that night by some things that one of his other sisters had said that it just kind of all came out. The next day I shared an even smaller portion of our story with another of his sisters. I honestly didn't want it to come as a complete surprise if we did/do decide to separate. I was concerned that B would be upset with me for sharing with his family, and I'm sure it was difficult for him, but he wasn't mad. 

The next time was just this week. I have a co-worker that I really care about, who like me, doesn't sleep. Hers is for a different reason than mine but we often talk about how little we sleep. I felt prompted to share our story with her, so I did. I sent her a text that said something along the lines of, I don't know why I feel I should share this with you, but this is a big part of why I don't sleep. It included a link to the blog. The response I got from her was quick and was amazingly uplifting to me. She has no idea how many times she has lifted me up, how many times she has helped me feel safe to share, or how many times she's made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. I hope she knows that most days at work it's in part because of her that I survive the rough ones and love the good ones. Her friendship means more to me than she could ever realize.

The last time I shared a piece of our story was tonight. This was one of the most difficult times I have shared. I stood to risk the most I've risked so far by sharing, and yet here I am, feeling more buoyed up the the love and friendship of amazing women than I had hoped I could be. It was my book club tonight, the one night a month that B has learned over the years is mine no matter what. Well, almost no matter what. I wasn't planning on sharing any of this with them, but it just felt right. One of them already knew a bit about some of our past struggles, but the rest had no idea. I wasn't ready to share prior to now, the wounds were just to raw, and I just was not ready to open myself up to that kind of hurt from people I love. I didn't know I was ready tonight, but apparently I was. As difficult as it was, and as much as I risk upsetting B by sharing with more people, I am so relieved that I did.

I am truly sorry if it hurts B when I share and we lose some of anonymity, but if I can help anyone by sharing I will.

It feels like over the last few weeks my burden has been a bit easier to carry because of the amazing support network I have that has helped shoulder the load. Even some of those that don't know my story have helped carry the load just by being the amazing people they are. I am thankful every day that Heavenly Father has placed the people in my life that he has. I am surrounded by greatness and I try to remind myself everyday that I am not alone. Please, if you are reading this and you feel alone, know that you aren't. I am here. I will listen. I will help you carry the load because I am able to as mine has been lightened by others.

Lighter today,

T.

Blank Slate

I was lying in bed tonight thinking that I didn't want to blog tonight. I'm tired of thinking of this burden and tired of fighting this battle. That's when I decided I probably NEED to blog if I'm feeling that way. How many of us have ever wanted a redo…a blank slate with which to start over? I have…sometimes on a moment by moment basis. The thing is, we can have that. Our Savior Jesus Christ has made that possible. He sacrificed himself so that we might be able to wipe the slate clean as many times as we need to. He did that for us.

I know what you skeptics are thinking out there, oh great, another "Jesus freak" is going to preach to me. Nope, I'm not, a freak nor am I going to preach to you. I wrote that above because I'm the one that needs to hear it today. I'm the one that needs their slate wiped clean. It was a rough day at work, I didn't sleep much last night and things did not go according to plan tonight. I was grouchy and irritable and generally hard to be around. I didn't want to work tonight and felt truly overwhelmed by all the things I "needed" to get accomplished. Guess what? They are all still there and nobody was hurt, the house is still standing and they will all still be there tomorrow.

Some nights I think we need permission to take a break. Not a break from fighting for recovery, but a break from doing battle with the pressure we put on ourselves to get it all done. I think sometimes we need to take a vacation from the chores of life and just relax. Maybe that's me being selfish and giving in, but tonight I needed it. I needed to let the clean laundry stay in the basket unfolded and the junk cluttering the entryway stay there as long as it wasn't a hazard. I needed to put my pajamas on after dinner and watch some mindless t.v. Tonight I gave myself permission to take it easy and tomorrow I will tackle whatever I can get done.

Take the time to slow down. Give yourself permission to let the chores slide. Let go of the little things and take care of you.

Taking a break,

T.

To Every Dating Woman

I feel like I'm obsessed, not really obsessed, but surrounded with constant reminders of battle we are facing. It seems like wherever I turn there are friends struggling with this. It allows me the opportunity to share my story, but it also keeps it in my mind a lot.

I love that I get to share our story with others. I know that may sound odd, but I do. Why you ask? (You did ask didn't you?) Because I was so very alone for so incredibly long in this battle and I don't EVER want anyone else to feel alone. I don't ever want anyone else to suffer silently when there is a whole community of us out there ready to support you, love you and be there for you. We feel your pain. We have cried your tears. We want to be here to hold you up and dry your tears. We want to help shoulder your burden.

Part of the reason I feel surrounded I think, is because I notice. I notice the blog posts on pornography addiction. I notice those reaching out for help. I notice that Satan is trying to infiltrate our families from every angle.

I read a post tonight that I wish someone would have written twenty years ago.  I don't think it would've changed my mind about marrying "B" but it would have enabled me to go in to our marriage without so much rosy tint to my glasses.  It's about having that difficult conversation with any potential husband. Read it, share it, practice it (I have linked to it above if you click the word "post"). It may save you heartache and pain and may allow you to seek help with and for the man you love.

Please reach out if you need someone to listen. If you need a safe place to share. I live in a glass house, so I won't judge you, I'm haven't collected any rocks. You can email either of us at nothingunsaid@outlook<dot>com. You are not alone.

Reaching out for you,

T.

Kissing and a Prayer Request

I want to share a bit of my point of view from our conversation last night. I knew it was going to hurt "B" when I told him that I was struggling to want to kiss him. I've been putting off that conversation since he told me that. I don't want to hurt him, not intentionally (I will admit there have been times I HAVE wanted to hurt him, to get back at him, but I hope I've grown past that for the most part). I know he is trying to recover, I know he is working at it, but I didn't lose complete trust and faith in him overnight and it's not going to return that quickly either. I have been hurt by him so many times, that I'm afraid to hope. Don't get me wrong, as much as I tell myself that I don't have any hope right now, I do. I just try and tamp it down because it's so painful when he betrays me again. I want to hope and have faith that he is truly in recovery, but it is just too scary. It's too scary to open myself up to that kind of pain.

To me passionate kissing is a very intimate act. It is opening yourself up to being vulnerable, to trusting the person you are kissing, in my case "B". He revealed in his last post that we have an active sex life, we do, but for a really long time it has been about meeting a physical need, scratching an itch per se. We haven't "made love" in a really long time. For "B" it's because of the pornography addiction, for me it's because I haven't been willing to be that vulnerable. For me passionate kissing is part of making love, not having sex and I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable yet.  I don't trust him enough to not break my heart again. I asked him to be patient with me, because I'm just not there yet. I want to be, but it's going to take a while I'm afraid.

I have told "B" often lately that we will work through the addiction, but that I can't tolerate when he lies to me. He used to be honest with me when I would ask him if he'd slipped, but he has lied to me repeatedly over the last few years. It's to the point that I don't trust myself and my "gut feelings" anymore because for so long I trusted that he was telling the truth and therefore my gut must be wrong. Most of the time it wasn't. I know he started lying to me because of my reaction to his relapses, and that doesn't give him an "out" or an excuse, but I am accepting my responsibility to mediate my reaction. If I tell him that we will work through the addiction then I have to be willing to work without raging at him.

I want to work through this addiction, I really do. I don't want to give up, but some days I'm just so tired of fighting. I know this is going to be a long, hard, lifetime battle, and I need to plan on fighting the rest of our lives. I want to be able to let down my guard and trust again.

Please if you are on your knees today, put in a good word for us. I am really discouraged right now and could use a measure of faith if you have some to spare.

Asking for prayers,

T.

p.s. "B" asked me when I got up this morning if I smelled the cookies…I think he must've been eating the sugar cookie scented soap in the bathroom or something…there was no cookies smell that I could tell.

Pornography Use from a Man's Perspective

Here is a great link. it seems that a man's response to a porn addiction will always follow the same pattern. He will try as hard as he can to hide it. He will lie about it even knowing he is betraying the woman he loves so dearly. I will write a post later some time to discus my shame which led to covering up this addiction for so many years.

B.

The Long Road Ahead. Starting Our Journey Together.

What is a porn addict to do at 3:00 AM when he can't sleep. I don't know why I am awake, nor do I understand why I smell chocolate cookies baking. I had to get up to see if my 16 year old was up baking. No, I can only smell it right here in my bed. The brain can do weird things in the middle of the night.

In the past when I can't sleep I have turned to viewing pornography. Now I think this is a great time to work on recovery. T and I went to an addiction recovery meeting together last night. She has addictions also. Unfortunately I believe most people have some form of addiction. The church might do well to add an addiction recovery meeting one night a week as a normal part of church attendance for each member. This may seem like an exageration, but the statistics are very frightening. Pornography alone is a huge stumbling block for many men in the church.

The meeting was a positive experience for both of us. Afterwards we were able to open up more and discuss our feelings. One thing that came up was our lack of kissing. I don't mean the usual quick peck, but the passionate one that is part of the intimacy that a husband and wife enjoy. I mentioned to her recently that the longer I go without pornography, the more I desire to kiss her in this manner. I don't know when we stopped this kissing, I just thought it was part of us getting older. Like we didn't need to do it any more. I should state at this point that we do have an active sex life together, it is just less of an act of love than it should be. Last night during our discussion T told me that she would have a hard time opening up to me in this way and that I need to be patient with her. It hurt a little to hear her say this, but I understand. I haven't been honest with her for so long that she has closed herself off to protect herself from being hurt. This kind of sharing we are doing is an important part of our recovery. I am so optimistic that we are making progress. It is going to be a long road. We have a lot of work ahead of us. At least we have started our journey. It will be a difficult one, a joyfull one.

Now where are those dang cookies?

B.

Step 1

Tonight I asked "B" to switch what ARS (Addiction Recovery Services) meeting he attended so that we could go together. I was TERRIFIED to go, but I am so glad I did. I am starting to work the steps. I am just on Step 1, admitting I have a problem. I DO have a problem.  I am an addict. I'm not addicted to alcohol or drugs, I am addicted to food, Diet Coke and pornography. I'm sure there are other things, but those are the biggies.

For so many years I have blamed Brian for our marital problems. Saying that my lack of trust because of his addiction is what has made me such an angry person. That is a partial truth, but I am beginning to recognize the power that my own addictions have over me. I want to work on finding me, fixing me and being able to turn myself over to the Lord to accomplish both those things. I want to be whole and I am beginning to realize that I'm only going to accomplish that my letting go and having faith.

Humbly,

T.

Hesitantly Hopeful

Complacent is an adjective that means; pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.

It's interesting that we both decided to blog about relatively the same thing today. This week has been very emotionally taxing for me. In addition to all that is happening in our marriage, it has been a really rough week at work. I've also had some emotionally charged conversations with a couple of different friends and my mom has decided that every time we talk we need to rehash her concerns and feelings on my husband's unemployment. I'm spent, so it's no wonder to me at all that I start to get wary when I start to see "B" becoming complacent.

It happens every time. He starts to rely on himself to change instead of turning the battle over to Heavenly Father. He has a few good weeks, even some good months, and starts to trust in his own ability to stay in recovery without using the tools that helped him get "sober" in the first place. It scares me when I see this happen because I know each day that goes by without him using his tools put him that much further away from where he needs to be. When this happens I start to close myself off again from him, which then pushes him even further away. It's a vicious cycle, and one I am happy that he chose to break today by blogging.

I had a small victory of my own today. I had a rough day at work and I needed to talk to someone. Normally I would call my sister because she just gets me. She will listen through my blubbering to hear what's behind my words. Today, when I needed to talk she wasn't the first person I called. I wanted to talk to my husband and get comfort from him. I don't know when the last time that happened was. I haven't trusted him with my feelings or my heart for a long time. I am so afraid to hope for change, and yet my heart felt otherwise. It was hopeful that if I called he would listen to me cry and just be supportive. He did. He was. I don't know if that has ever happened before, it most assuredly hasn't in a long time if it has. I turned to my husband for comfort and he provided it. That may seem like a no brainer to a lot of people, but it really hasn't been that way between us for a long time. It felt good.

This isn't even talking about the favor he did for me later in the day. I have told him time and again that it is the little things that make the difference. If I can trust him to keep his word and take care of the little things. I will start to be able to trust him to take care of the big things.

I don't want to hope, it's too scary. I have been hurt so many times before when I let a little hope in. I am hopeful though, despite my best efforts not to be.

Thank you hone for being there for me today. Thank you for being a man of action today and for shrugging off your complacency.

Hesitantly Hopeful,

T.

Taking Baby Steps to Actively Recover from a Pornography Addiction

In my last post I discussed how an addiction to pornography changes an individual's brain. The brain is very resilient. Brain scans of individuals during an addiction can be compared with scans after an individual has stopped exposing themselves to pornography. The scans show a huge change after just a few weeks. My point with all this is that an addict can reprogram their brain. Abstaining from pornography in all its forms is part of this, but an addict must replace the negative thoughts and actions with positive ones.
I have been "sober" for about 3 weeks now. I feel great. I have been working very hard to do everything I can to beat this addiction. I have tried many times to change. It is at times like these that I usually become complacent. I feel like I have finally overcome the addiction and I let my guard down. This will lead me to slipping up. I missed several days of blogging because I have become complacent. My wife has a very hard time trusting me. While she has known about my addiction for many years now, I still have lied to her many times about my actions. This addiction has made me a very selfish person. It is hard for me to find joy in the things that would make a normal person happy.
Addiction recovery is an active process. I have to regularly evaluate myself to see how I am doing. Am I magnifying my callings? Am I trying to help others? Am I reading the scriptures and praying? Am I spending quality time with my family away from the TV or my iPhone? These are all things I struggle with. If my wife sees me making improvements in these areas, she will be able to begin trusting me. I will never be able to make improvements in these areas while indulging in pornography. Because of my selfishness it is very hard to change. I am taking baby steps. Today my wife asked me to do something for her. I had a legitimate reason to not do it. I initially told her I wouldn't do it. But then I realized what was really motivating me to not help her was my selfishness. I decided this was a good opportunity to show her that I am trying to change. It was a good time to show her though my actions that I love her. It was a very small thing but she has told me many times it is the small things that matter.

B.