Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Taking Baby Steps to Actively Recover from a Pornography Addiction

In my last post I discussed how an addiction to pornography changes an individual's brain. The brain is very resilient. Brain scans of individuals during an addiction can be compared with scans after an individual has stopped exposing themselves to pornography. The scans show a huge change after just a few weeks. My point with all this is that an addict can reprogram their brain. Abstaining from pornography in all its forms is part of this, but an addict must replace the negative thoughts and actions with positive ones.
I have been "sober" for about 3 weeks now. I feel great. I have been working very hard to do everything I can to beat this addiction. I have tried many times to change. It is at times like these that I usually become complacent. I feel like I have finally overcome the addiction and I let my guard down. This will lead me to slipping up. I missed several days of blogging because I have become complacent. My wife has a very hard time trusting me. While she has known about my addiction for many years now, I still have lied to her many times about my actions. This addiction has made me a very selfish person. It is hard for me to find joy in the things that would make a normal person happy.
Addiction recovery is an active process. I have to regularly evaluate myself to see how I am doing. Am I magnifying my callings? Am I trying to help others? Am I reading the scriptures and praying? Am I spending quality time with my family away from the TV or my iPhone? These are all things I struggle with. If my wife sees me making improvements in these areas, she will be able to begin trusting me. I will never be able to make improvements in these areas while indulging in pornography. Because of my selfishness it is very hard to change. I am taking baby steps. Today my wife asked me to do something for her. I had a legitimate reason to not do it. I initially told her I wouldn't do it. But then I realized what was really motivating me to not help her was my selfishness. I decided this was a good opportunity to show her that I am trying to change. It was a good time to show her though my actions that I love her. It was a very small thing but she has told me many times it is the small things that matter.

B.