Survival Mode

This was a very productive weekend. I was a little apprehensive because we had very ambitious plans and that is often a recipe for disappointment around here. We got a lot accomplished though. B. finished a project that I have been wanting done for over a year! I don't normally post personal pictures here (to protect our anonymity), but I was so thrilled with how these shelves turned out that I just had to share. These are on the wall right next to the desk in our office space. All the canisters and containers have office supplies in them. I need a couple more baskets or boxes for paper but even if that doesn't happen, I LOVE THEM!

The other thing we got accomplished was cleaning out our closet. It's almost done anyway, a couple of shelves left to organize and my jewelry to put away and it's done. It was my commitment for the week to my LifeStar group. I'm not going to post a picture of that here. I'll be honest, it is embarrassing and causes some shame, it was THAT bad.

What does this all have to do with the title of the post…survival mode? Because while we were dejunking and editing, building and organizing, it made me realize just how much has gone undone since we moved into our home three-and-a-half years ago. I'll be frank, some of the junk has been piled up and unorganized since BEFORE we moved into our house.  I was contemplating this and it hit me, I have been living in survival mode for YEARS. All I was doing was just enough to get from day to day and accomplish enough to survive.

I didn't realize that I had been just barely getting by for so long. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that not only am I doing a much better job of keeping up with the day to day things, but I am also getting projects and catch-up done. I'm no longer just surviving! I wanted to do a touchdown dance!

That is not to say that some days aren't rough and sometimes I have to revert back to survival mode. The trauma just gets to be too much for me and I have to revert. Those days are much farther apart than they used to be and I have tools in place to help me get through them. I really am making progress.

The other a-ha moment this weekend was about B. He helped me (a lot) with the closet and he researched, designed, bought the supplies for (with the exception of the reclaimed wood as I already had that), and completed the shelves start to finish in just a few hours. When I sent a picture to one of my friends she said, "I didn't know he was so talented!" I replied, "Neither did he, but I did!"

This is the man that is under this addiction. He is kind and thoughtful. He is talented and artistic. He can see the beauty in items that have history. He is methodical when working on a project. He is determined when he has a serious goal in mind. When our son got a headache tonight and threw-up all over his bedroom, B. cleaned most of it up (and for this I am profoundly grateful)! This is the man I know is is in there. This is the man I am learning to fall in love with.

If you are in survival mode, know that there is hope. Even if your spouse doesn't seek recovery, you can. You can learn how to do more than survive, you can find the strength and determination to have control over your life, instead of your life having control over you. It takes work and determination and a whole lot of help from On High, but it is attainable. Don't give up hope. If you want encouragement or a listening ear, email me at awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com.

Not just surviving,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Pornography Use from a Man's Perspective

Here is a great link. it seems that a man's response to a porn addiction will always follow the same pattern. He will try as hard as he can to hide it. He will lie about it even knowing he is betraying the woman he loves so dearly. I will write a post later some time to discus my shame which led to covering up this addiction for so many years.

B.

Sharing my Feelings

I think you can tell by now that I am much more analytical, while my wife is more emotional. I think there is value in both approaches, however I need to get more in touch with my feelings. I am not very good at opening up and sharing my feelings. Today "T" gave me a page out of her journal to read. It described exactly how she is feeling and how our relationship is going. She described my actions and how she feels about them. The most striking thing about this journal entry is that it wasn't written recently. It was written in 2004. Have we made any progress since then? We have had good times and bad times during the last 10 years. I guess I need to evaluate myself to determine if the "bad times" are getting less bad. I would have to say this latest crisis is as bad as the worst of them. How I respond to this crisis will determine our future. I feel I need to share my feelings directly with my wife.
"T," I remember when we were first married and so in love. As you know, I was an addict even then. For maybe the first 6 months to a year I thought being married to you had cured me. I don't remember even being tempted. Of course in any marriage at some point the "honeymoon" ends. I don't remember when I fell prey to my addiction again, but I know it was in response to some stress or challenge of daily life. You know this, but I need to tell you, nothing you have ever done has contributed to the addiction. It is all my problem. I truly believe this now. I have to admit that before, I have always felt you had some little part in my addiction. If only you were skinny, if only you were happy all the time, I would be more attracted to you and have more control over my addiction. This is a very destructive lie that Satan has used to keep me in bondage. "T," I know I have told you this many times before, but I have changed. Only my actions will be able to convince you of this. I can't tell you I will always make the right choice. Today I should have gone to church.  I know that, but I am really trying. Step 9 in the Addiction Recovery Program is to make direct restitution to those you have harmed. You are the person I have harmed the most. I want to show you that I can be that man you thought you were marrying. I want to be able to grow old with you and be able to look back on our life together with fond memories. I want the next 10 years and more to be the best of our life. Please be patient.  We have been blessed with wonderful children. I am amazed at the example they set for me. I know that is so backwards. I want to be able to set a good example for them. We had a wonderful day together yesterday. I know we can have many wonderful days together in the future. "T", I know that I can be healed through the Savior's love. He died for me. I will strive to look to him in the future. I love you very much.

B