Check-In

For a while now we have been doing a nightly (or near nightly) check-in to see where we are and what our days have been like. We have tried using the AEIOU check-in that Rhyll Crowshaw suggests in her book and adding the S for spirituality as suggested by Harriet at AWife Redeeemed.  (If you click on the link attached to "adding the S for spirituality, Harriet explains it well). It didn't work as well as we wanted it to, so we tried another acronym that we found somewhere (sorry I can't remember where it came from). That wasn't great either. We liked pieces of both of them but neither seemed to be exactly what we were looking for. Lately we have been just using a basic list in our head to check-in with but it still wasn't getting to the meat of things the way I wanted it to.

This is what I came up with tonight. It worked better than the others for us while incorporating pieces of each of them. Check-in tonight was heavy but I felt like we started to get some real communication going. It will probably need some changes but seems to work for now. 

REASSESR

Recovery-

What did I do for recovery today? Did I have any slips?

Emotions -

What emotions did I feel today? How did I handle them?

Affirmation -

What is something I appreciate about my spouse today?

Service/Others-

What service did I perform today? What did I do for others?

Self-Care-

What did I do to take care of myself today?

Exercise/Physically-

What exercise did I get today? How do I feel physically?

Spiritually-

Did I feel The Spirit today? What did I do to increase my spirituality today? What do I need to do to feel it if I haven’t?

Relationally/Sexually-

How am I feeling about our relationship? How am I feeling sexually?

What do you think? Do you have a check-in that you use that works well. Do you check-in? I'd love thoughts and feed back.

Love Grows

I find inside the words to say

The things I feel, the thoughts I pray

Why is it easier to think than say

Let me share my thoughts today 

The one idea that keeps coming back

The one that just might get us on track

It's as precious as anything sent from above

And that one thing is simply love

Love is the one gift given each day

That multiples as we give it away

If we focus on love and freely give

A bountiful life each day we'll live

T.

I wrote this simple verse last night, not because I think love will fix everything that is broken in our lives, but rather that nothing broken can be fixed without it. 

Codependent Some More

I wasn't going to blog yet, I was trying to give myself a break to filter and process my words, so that in the heat of the moment I don't say something I regret. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, mad, upset, all of the above…but I didn't yell and scream tonight, I didn't even cry. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it just is right now. I finally realized that until I get some of my thoughts out, I'm not going to be able to sleep, and since I have to be up in less than three hours for work, I need at least a little sleep.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being codependent. She is reading the book Codependent No More and was telling me a little bit about it. Hello! I've often thought I was codependent, and it is really being reinforced to me now that I probably am. I am a caregiver, a saver if you will, of the downtrodden. I need to be needed…up to a point…then I need to not be needed at all anymore because it overwhelms me. Ok that sounds a little circle-ish but it's like this, I need to feel needed by others, to feel valuable to others per se…but when they start to depend on me for almost everything, or at least more than I think they should, then I don't want them to need me at all anymore, it's too overwhelming.

I found this about codependency on Wikipedia: People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

I often put others' needs before my own, when it's my children it's a given that their needs usually come first (note: needs, not wants), but I find myself doing this at work as well. I catch myself going, I'll just answer this one more instant message or email and help with this task then I'll go heat up my lunch. I need to be better at going, that question can wait for a few minutes until I get some food in my belly or use the bathroom or get some sunshine…whatever it might be that I need to do to better care for myself. Sometimes it can't be helped, others needs have to come first, but I want to become better at recognizing and prioritizing my own needs.

The second part of that statement that rang a bell with me is the last sentence, "When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty." This is how I feel more often than B, or even I, probably realizes. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and cause anyone pain. It's very difficult for me. I am working on turning that guilt over to my Heavenly Father and lifting the load from my own shoulders. 

I kind-of sound like a mess when I put it all out there like that, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict. How does that sound? It sounds like a heck of a label that I am unwilling to stick on myself. Let me start over, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict Daughter of God. That's it. I am who I am and I was made in the image of my Father in Heaven. I am going to try and embrace that simple fact every single day!

Reflectively,

T.

Honesty

In our 12 Step meeting yesterday we were discussing Step 1: Honesty. This is the step I am currently working on. It is also the step that I see B struggle the most with…honesty. I feel like he not only isn't honest with me, he isn't honest with himself either. I really feel like he needs to study and evaluate this step every.single.day. I'll say it again…he needs to evaluate this every.single.day. He needs to ask himself, am I being honest with myself, do I really feel like I am powerless over this addiction? It may seem harsh to criticize his "working the steps" and how I feel he should do it, because I know, as does anyone involved with an addict, that their pride can make them push back against such harsh criticism. Let me explain a little further why I feel this way.

B has said that it frustrates him that I don't trust him. I get that, I really do. It frustrates me at times that I can't just "get over it" and trust that he is truly working at recovery. The truth is, he isn't working hard at recovery. Let me explain it using an analogy. Let's say B is a beautiful antique mahogany table. Now we know mahogany is expensive and prized for high end furniture, just like B is prized as a husband, father and child of God. Well his addiction is like years of abuse happening to this table, it's nicked, scarred, has it's varnish missing in a lot of spots, there are water rings that over the years have created permanent damage to the table top, the legs are wobbly and loose. Over the years he has tried to repair himself…braced a leg here, thrown a cloth over the worst spots, propped the table in the corer so it had support, but never really "fixed" the problems. Lately he has been putting more effort into repairing the table. He has fixed the wobbly legs with a patch job underneath. He has started to sand out some of the varnish to make the table ready for a stronger polyurethane coating to help it resist future damage and has found a beautiful tablecloth to accent the table. The table is staged with quality items and looks like on the outside it is ready for use. The problem is, he hasn't really addressed the issues of the table, but has made a stronger effort at bracing the problems and starting to wear them down. The legs are only marginally stronger and the top is still scarred and pitted. The top needs a good sanding and the legs need a more permanent fix…or in other words B needs to take things back to the beginning and adequately repair the foundation of the table and sand it down until nothing of the old scratches and dings remain. He really has started the project of repairing himself, and to the naked eye it looks good, but the hard work remains. He needs to take things down to the bare bones and start building from the bottom up. He needs to address the issues that cause him to turn to porn in the first place. He needs to be honest that while he is "white knuckling" it through right now, he hasn't addressed the actual powerlessness he truly has in this situation.

I think the rules he has made are a great start at controlling the behaviors, I don't really believe he honestly has admitted to himself just how completely this addiction controls his life. He has replaced the addiction for the time being with something better, but he hasn't really addressed the fact that he is completely powerless over this, it is much bigger than he is. For over fifteen years now I have watched him try to make the table stronger through temporary measures, but these always fail, because he isn't doing the work and working the steps. I have read and reread the information on Step 1 in the recovery manual. I have taken notes, marked scriptures and really tried to be honest and admit that I can't control my food addiction but I am not quite ready to make every change I need to make. Why is it ok for me and not for him you ask? It's not ok for me, and I don't trust myself to always turn my will over to the Lord and to be honest in my powerlessness. The problem comes in the fact that I don't trust B period. It  is going to take a lot to build that up. He is going to have to work the steps. He's going to have to take notes, read scriptures, work in his workbook, not have excuses and really and sincerely start meeting even my basic emotional needs before I will be able to start thinking about trusting him.

I often feel guilty about the anger, mistrust and animosity that I frequently feel about his recovery, but I'm trying to let that go. I have to let him make the choices on his own and live the consequences that may come with those choices. I am often worried that by having such feelings of apathy towards his recovery that I will in some way set him back. That is not my call, he will do what he will do regardless of how I think or feel. The problem is the complacency I see on his part when he has "resisted" for a short length of time. He's not working at recovery, he's working at making that table look beautiful without taking the time and effort to create a permanent fix.

I am working on setting my boundaries, the boundaries that I need to set in order to start to feel safe in my home and my relationship. Some of these boundaries will be tough for B to accept but I have to feel safe, and I don't. This was going to be a short post but apparently I needed to get more of the story out there.

T.

Real Romance

I admit to having a guilty pleasure, it's all things related to The Bachelor. I know, it's a crazy reality program with no basis in reality. I know this. I have always viewed it as harmless, to me anyway, entertainment. I like to laugh with, cry for, be invested in and follow the couples from the show, even though the logical part of me knows that it will be difficult to sustain any sort of relationship when you are back in "real life". I guess it's the hopeless romantic in me that wants everyone to get their happily-ever-after. Yes, I can see you rolling your eyes and shaking your head…I'm doing it as well. It finally hit me tonight as I was catching up on 'Bachelor In Paradise' that the show really is just a highly publicized and funded opportunity to play-the-field. Let's not even begin to elaborate on the immorality of how many men/women the Bachelor/Bachelorette participants kiss and the three potential spouses that they spend a night in the 'fantasy suite' with.

I have previously eschewed the summer fill-in bachelor spin-off, because it really is all about hooking-up. I decided to give this season's new twist a try. Hook-ups, drama, sleeping together on the first date, going home with someone to meet their parents after knowing them only three days, women fighting over men, the provocative clothing. WOWZA! Is all I can say. And this is on primetime programming? Where my kids can see it? So not ok with that.

It's been easy for me to rationalize watching this franchise because of the "true love" element and the fact that I don't take it too seriously. I'm done rationalizing and minimizing the impact this has on my own view of relationships. It will actually be really hard not to watch the upcoming season, but I will find other ways to occupy my time.

I want to learn about healthy relationships and how to strengthen my own. In order to do that I have to rid myself of my 'guilty pleasures' and focus on more positive and uplifting fare.

Making better choices,

T.

To Every Dating Woman

I feel like I'm obsessed, not really obsessed, but surrounded with constant reminders of battle we are facing. It seems like wherever I turn there are friends struggling with this. It allows me the opportunity to share my story, but it also keeps it in my mind a lot.

I love that I get to share our story with others. I know that may sound odd, but I do. Why you ask? (You did ask didn't you?) Because I was so very alone for so incredibly long in this battle and I don't EVER want anyone else to feel alone. I don't ever want anyone else to suffer silently when there is a whole community of us out there ready to support you, love you and be there for you. We feel your pain. We have cried your tears. We want to be here to hold you up and dry your tears. We want to help shoulder your burden.

Part of the reason I feel surrounded I think, is because I notice. I notice the blog posts on pornography addiction. I notice those reaching out for help. I notice that Satan is trying to infiltrate our families from every angle.

I read a post tonight that I wish someone would have written twenty years ago.  I don't think it would've changed my mind about marrying "B" but it would have enabled me to go in to our marriage without so much rosy tint to my glasses.  It's about having that difficult conversation with any potential husband. Read it, share it, practice it (I have linked to it above if you click the word "post"). It may save you heartache and pain and may allow you to seek help with and for the man you love.

Please reach out if you need someone to listen. If you need a safe place to share. I live in a glass house, so I won't judge you, I'm haven't collected any rocks. You can email either of us at nothingunsaid@outlook<dot>com. You are not alone.

Reaching out for you,

T.

Pornography Use from a Man's Perspective

Here is a great link. it seems that a man's response to a porn addiction will always follow the same pattern. He will try as hard as he can to hide it. He will lie about it even knowing he is betraying the woman he loves so dearly. I will write a post later some time to discus my shame which led to covering up this addiction for so many years.

B.

The Long Road Ahead. Starting Our Journey Together.

What is a porn addict to do at 3:00 AM when he can't sleep. I don't know why I am awake, nor do I understand why I smell chocolate cookies baking. I had to get up to see if my 16 year old was up baking. No, I can only smell it right here in my bed. The brain can do weird things in the middle of the night.

In the past when I can't sleep I have turned to viewing pornography. Now I think this is a great time to work on recovery. T and I went to an addiction recovery meeting together last night. She has addictions also. Unfortunately I believe most people have some form of addiction. The church might do well to add an addiction recovery meeting one night a week as a normal part of church attendance for each member. This may seem like an exageration, but the statistics are very frightening. Pornography alone is a huge stumbling block for many men in the church.

The meeting was a positive experience for both of us. Afterwards we were able to open up more and discuss our feelings. One thing that came up was our lack of kissing. I don't mean the usual quick peck, but the passionate one that is part of the intimacy that a husband and wife enjoy. I mentioned to her recently that the longer I go without pornography, the more I desire to kiss her in this manner. I don't know when we stopped this kissing, I just thought it was part of us getting older. Like we didn't need to do it any more. I should state at this point that we do have an active sex life together, it is just less of an act of love than it should be. Last night during our discussion T told me that she would have a hard time opening up to me in this way and that I need to be patient with her. It hurt a little to hear her say this, but I understand. I haven't been honest with her for so long that she has closed herself off to protect herself from being hurt. This kind of sharing we are doing is an important part of our recovery. I am so optimistic that we are making progress. It is going to be a long road. We have a lot of work ahead of us. At least we have started our journey. It will be a difficult one, a joyfull one.

Now where are those dang cookies?

B.

Peeking Out From Behind The Mask

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who's husband is also a porn addict. She said to me "It seems like you are dealing with this better than I am." My first thought was, no freaking way am I dealing with this better than anyone else. But, even if that is the case, I have learned that I can't compare my reactions to anyone else's. They don't have my trials or my circumstances and I don't have theirs. All I can do is reach out and give what support I have to give. I want to let you see how I feel, how I've reacted and see into my eyes behind the mask I wear every.single.day.

The mask I wear makes me smile and laugh with acquaintances and coworkers. The mask forces me to be polite to others I encounter. The mask makes it look like I'm whole, like part of me isn't broken. Today I'm going to peel back a corner of the mask and peek out for you. I'm not ready to take it all the way off, I'm not ready to be that vulnerable. I'm not ready to go back to the beginning yet. Part of me doesn't remember it all that well and the other part of me is afraid that some of the numbness will wear off if I go back that far. I'll let you see the most recent part of me, the part I am trying to work through right now. 

It's not pretty and I'm not proud. I'm angry. Not like a little bit angry and I'll get over it right away, but boiling, raging, throw things at the wall MAD! The other day I got so angry about something so completely unrelated and was stomping around and slamming things down, it was so bad I scared my son. I scared my own child because I was mad about something completely unrelated to him. I didn't touch him, I didn't threaten him, I was just making so much noise to vent my anger that it scared him. That's not fair, nor is is the way I want my kiddos to see me. I don't want them to remember me as the angry mom that was scary to be around. I'm a work in progress and slowly but surely I am gaining control of that anger by sheer faith and prayer.

Here's another corner I'll peek out of, it's the corner that's gray and dented and it's called hopelessness. I have almost completely given up hope of recovery. I have had faith so many times, I have hoped so many times, I have believed so many times that he was truly trying to change…only to be disappointed and that much more devastated than the last time. It is so much easier for me not to hope. I want to hope. I want to heal. I want to trust again. I want to love my husband wholly and freely again without constantly feeling like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me at any moment, but right now I am too scared. I'm too afraid, of being completely crushed, to hope. 

That's enough of the ugliness that is behind the mask for now. I know the only way I am going to peel off the mask and leave it off is to begin to heal, begin to hope and let go of my fears. I'm not there yet. I hope that I will be someday soon.

T.

P.S. I read B's post today and it made me cry. It touched me. Nothing he has done or said in a really long time has touched me, because I haven't let it. Maybe the hope is finding a pin prick to squeeze through my mask after all.

Inside the Mind of an Addict

P

Now that the science is out of the way, I will discuss what happens with me and my motivations. As I have said before, my addiction really took off with the advent of the Internet. Never before in the history of mankind has an individual had access to so many pornographic images. I am triggered by some image, be it an indecently dressed woman or an advertisement. Then I have a strong desire to begin looking. But what am I looking for? I am looking for the "perfect woman". In my warped brain I have created standards of what that perfect woman will look like. I then get on the Internet and begin looking. I have been searching for over 20 years and I have not found her yet. I can sometimes spend hours looking, but I am never satisfied. There is always some flaw. I know this sounds horribly sexist, and it is. But this is what the addiction has done to me.  An addict will never be satisfied. What I need to remember is that I found this "perfect woman" a long time ago. I married her almost 20 years ago. She may have flaws, but they are superficial. She has stuck with me all these years when she really didn't have to. I am so blessed to have a woman so strong and loving. She is great mother and wife. No, she is not actually perfect, but she is striving for perfection. The only perfect person to live on this Earth is the Savior Jesus Christ. Through his Atonement we can all be saved. I can be saved! It has been a long battle, one that has been lost for the most part. With the help of the Atonement I can finally change. I have heard that recovery takes as much time as the actual addiction did. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The important thing to realize is that I am not alone. I have the help of my wife, my bishop, the members of my 12 step addiction recovery group, and most important the Savior.Any addiction will alter the way the human brian will function. The biology behind this alteration involves the neurotransmitter dopamine, particularly its role in the mesolimbic pathway. For a more in depth discussion of dopamine and what is does you can go here . Basically your brain will release dopamine in response to something the senses detect. A healthy person may experience dopamine release when seeing someone they love. In this instance the dopamine will make them feel good. It is the brain's way of rewarding you for positive experiences. An addict will experience heightened dopamine release in response to certain "triggers". A trigger could be something as innocent as a beautiful modestly dressed woman, or a hardcore porn image. The results are the same for an addict. They will desire to see more pornography, and perform sexual acts. There is a debate about whether sex addiction is a real mental disorder similar to a drug addiction. I have experienced this disorder in my life. I know how destructive it can be. This link is just one study supporting the idea that sex addiction is a real mental health disorder.
B

You Are Not Alone

For years after I discovered that my husband had an sexual addition I felt so isolated, so alone. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I was too embarrassed, too ashamed. It felt taboo to bring it up to anyone, so for years I suffered silently and alone. The one thing I want you to understand if you are the  addict or the spouse of the addict, or maybe even both, you are NOT alone. There is a whole community out there waiting to support you and help you walk this road to recovery.

I'm not going to try and tell you it will be easy to pour your heart out and expose the dark underbelly of your relationship, because if it was we wouldn't be writing this anonymously. The shame is still there, the difference is that we are learning to work through it. Well, we are trying to learn how to work through it anyway.

Addiction is a disease, it's not something you can just "quit" on your own, you need support, you need understanding, you need love. Please don't be afraid to reach out. I will never forget the first time I shared this with anyone. We had been married probably 15 years by then. I had spent the entire weekend with a friend and kept feeling like I needed to tell her. It took me clear until Sunday afternoon to share with her. I told her that I didn't know why I felt I needed to share with her but she thought it was so that I had someone I could talk to. I'll never forget the text I got the following Wednesday that she had found pornography in the history of their computer. We had several conversations that day. Her stomach was in knots and her heart hurt with the anxiety she was feeling. That night after confronting her husband, he confessed that he had looked that one time out of curiosity but that it hadn't happened again and to my knowledge it hasn't. That was about four years ago or maybe a little longer, and that experience has still stuck with me. I knew on that Wednesday why I had shared our story with her, it was so she wasn't alone and so she had someone to talk to.  It has made it a little less frightening since then, to share our story at other times when I have felt inspired to do so.

If I could tell you anything, it would be find someone you trust that you can talk to. You'd be surprised how many times it turns out that you have this in common. I have only met one person in recent memory, who didn't have a story to share with me about how pornography has had an effect on their family in some way or another. I am willing to bet that she just doesn't know how it has impacted those close to her.

I believe that pornography is a plague that is corrupting our society so insidious and so covert that it is infecting our society faster than we can comprehend. There is not one sector of our society that is immune regardless of race, religion, socioeconomic status, marital status or age. It does not discriminate. Please just open up to someone that you trust. Let them listen, let them care and let your healing begin.

With a more hopeful heart,

T.

Introduction

I am married to an addict. Not a drug addict, well not in the literal sense anyway, but a pornography addict. I know many people don't think this is an addiction, that it is just some harmless entertainment. They could not be more wrong. The trauma this "harmless" addiction has caused me and my marriage is undeniable. It has left nothing but destruction in it's wake and we have hit rock bottom with nowhere to go but up.

Ok now that I've gotten the drama out of the way, well for now anyway, I'll tell you a little about myself. I married my husband nearly twenty years ago. We were young, as many in our culture are, but we were in love and looking through those rose colored glasses that the young tend to see life through. We quickly learned that life had a way of turning our plans upside down. As "B" said he finally told me after we had been married for a few years that he had a problem, what he didn't share with you was how I unknowingly contributed to his addiction. We had been married less than a year when I talked him into renting a pornographic movie from the local video store. Mind you, this was nineteen years ago, and pornography that was easily accessible then was much less aggressive and abusive than it is now, not a justification on my part, just an observation. This happened a few more times before I said "Enough!" Little did I know that this was just the tip of the iceberg of what we were to go through over the next nineteen years. 

I may not sound like the beacon of hope right now, and there is a simple reason for that, I'm not. I finally hit the bottom of utter hopelessness and I have nowhere to go but up or out. I am hoping by reading and writing this blog that I will regain that hope and the faith that my marriage can not only survive but thrive. I love my husband and I want to keep my Eternal Family intact. I want to feel something other than hopelessness and anger. 

Please pray with us. Not only our family but every other family out there that is suffering from this plague. Please pray that no other innocent families fall prey to this via addiction or, heaven forbid, losing a family member to the darkness that is the adult entertainment world. 

If you would like more information on the effects of pornography on the brain and body and how it is devastating our society then visit Fight The New Drug.  They are trying to get the message out one fighter at a time. 

I will share more about my journey and the roller coaster ride that we have been on and I will try and shed some hope on the situation, but right now I'm leaning on you guys to lend me support. I am leaning on the recovery community for strength and hope. Please know that I am here to talk to or listen to anyone who needs an ear, and I can listen to you and you can know I've been there, I AM there. I gain a little more hope every day, and whatever morsel I have I am willing to share because by sharing, my hope is not diminished but rather strengthened. 

Please feel free to email either one of us at nothingunsaid@outlook<dot>com. Ask us questions, send us links to any information you have found helpful. If you feel the need to argue with us, don't bother, the harm of pornography and the vice of addiction to it is NOT up for debate with us, we have seen it eat away at our lives for almost twenty years now. We will present our lives to you and any information that has been helpful to us along the way. 

May our Father in Heaven bless you with any measure of peace you are in need of today.

T.

Hello My Name Is...

Hello, my name is…well I'm not going to tell you what my name is because this is an anonymous blog. You can just call me B. I am a middle aged LDS man. I have been struggling with a sex addiction for many years. I am at a point in my life where I am determined to change. This blog serves two purposes. First, I have a hard time being 100% open with my wife when talking face to face. I struggle with ADD and am a poor communicator. When I write I have time to slow my brain down and organize my thoughts. This way I can share what is going on inside of me with my wife. She will also be posting on this blog. The second purpose of this blog is to share my recovery with others. I would like to be able to inspire hope in others. An important part of recovery is to make restitution to those I have harmed. I can do this with my family, but what about all the women who have been exploited to satisfy my lusts. In these situations I can make restitution indirectly, by helping others to recover, and to fight against the proliferation of pornography.

My story begins many years ago when I was about 10 years old. A friend of mine showed me a pornographic magazine that was hidden in a wooded area near my home. The feeling I had when I saw these images was probably the most powerful feeling I had ever experienced. I knew that it was wrong to look at these images, but I was so curious, and it felt so good to see them. I was instantly addicted, just like an alcoholic that takes his first drink. 

Over the next several years I came into contact with pornography in its various formats. I was very curious as my parents never discussed sex or the dangers of pornography with me. There were several occasions when magazines would be hidden in the same wooded area. My father had several photography books that had pictures of which were supposed to be "art". I would often satisfy my lusts be looking at my mother's womens magazines. They may not have contained what is normally considered pornography, but advertisements for bras and other things would often work for me.  I also would sneak romance novels that my mother or sisters had. I somehow could flip through the book and quickly find the sex parts.

Throughout my teen years I wanted to quit. The shame that goes along with this addiction is as strong as the addiction itself. I was afraid to confess to my bishop or my parents. I was actually afraid that confessing would lead to excommunication. This may sound silly but I had no idea what would happen because it was never discussed in my family. I was afraid my parents would be very upset because I wasn't supposed to know about sex because they hadn't taught me about it. 

I managed through sheer willpower to quit my addiction for 6 months before I left on my mission. I confessed to my bishop, who thought that I was cured. I think it is very common for young men with this addiction to go on a mission and do very well. A missionary is so isolated from the media and life in general that it is easy to be good.  I thought I would never struggle with this again. This may have been true if it hadn't been for the internet.

When I returned from my mission the internet was just starting to become popular. Again, curiosity got the better of me. Suddenly I could access pornography very easily and not even pay for it. I quickly fell into the depths of addiction once again. I was able to "quit" long enough to be worthy of a temple marriage. For the first year of marriage I did great. I loved my wife and I felt like I would never need pornography again. What I didn't know at the time was that this addiction is something that I will battle for the rest of my life. At some point I began to view pornography once again. I hid it from my wife for a lot of years. Finally, when going through a struggle with anxiety and depression, I confessed to her. She was very hurt and angry. I confessed to my bishop, and began going through the process to overcome the addiction. I met with my bishop regularly for a while. But it just wasn't enough.

Since this time I have confessed to bishops several times. I even went through some professional counciling. Nothing I have done has seemed to help for very long. This brings me to this blog. This will be a very important tool for my recovery. I am attending the LDS church's 12 step meetings, for addiction recovery, several times a week. I realize I can't do this alone. I often wonder what I can become once I have this addiction under control. 

I would like to end this post with my testimony. I know the gospel is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and that he translated the Book of Mormon by the power of God. I know that it is important to attend church weekly even when I don't want to. I need the to feel the Spirit on a regular basis. I also know that I need to get back to the Temple. I haven't held a recommend for a few years. To all who struggle with this addiction, don't give up. Look to the Lord. Ask for his help. Let other appropriate people know of your struggles. You will need their help.

B.