My Cup Runneth Over

My Father in Heaven knows me and sees my trials. After the pummeling my spirit took over the last few weeks He knew I would need others. He has placed the most amazing people in my life. This week I was strengthened and uplifted by so many different people. Friends new and old, those I have met through recovery and those I have known for years. My group, my marriage counselor and my individual counselor have all played a vital role in helping boost me this week. My Bishop has been A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! He has to be the most kind and patient person I have met in a long time. I can only imagine how the weight of the trials in the ward weigh on him, but he never makes me feel like mine are any less important than anyone else's. I am truly blessed by the bounty of amazing people in my life. 

I have to give a special shout-out to two separate groups though, my LifeStar group and the local chapter of The Togetherness Project. Without these amazing women this week I would've been lost.

There are still a lot of things to work through and a long road to walk, but I am on my way again. I'm not dwelling on my problems but looking for solutions. Tonight I am grateful for the people in my life.

In gratitude,

T.

It's A New Year

Happy New Year to y'all. Well, it's a new year at any rate. I am hoping that this coming year brings more happiness than the last one has, because I am ready for it. It seems that the moments of true joy and happiness are so fleeting that I struggle to remember them in between.

I have really been struggling since disclosure. I didn't think it was going to impact me the way it has. Actually, that's not true, I DID expect it to impact me a great deal, but I also had high expectations that after disclosure B would really start working hard on recovery. If I was being completely honest, I would say I have really taken a few steps back in my recovery because of the combination of disclosure and my own lack of diligence in working my recovery. I can own that I haven't been very diligent in my recovery work and it has helped to impede my progress.

Right now my heart is aching, truly physically aching. I really, sincerely believed that once disclosure was over things would be different. B would feel lighter because he wasn't holding things back or hiding them anymore. I would feel more determined to work on my recovery because this is where I could start working on healing our relationship. Neither of those things has happened. Neither one of us has really actively been working recovery. Neither one of us wants to reach out to the other.

After disclosure I put my walls partially back up. It didn't hurt as bad at first as I anticipated it would and I even wanted to be held and comforted by B. I think he took that to mean that it was going to be as bad as it got. I tried to break it to him that it was probably going to hit me later and that the hardest was probably still yet to come. Apparently either he didn't think that was the case or I didn't clearly communicate that, because he truly didn't think it was going to get worse. When it did get worse and I had an entire week where I cried pretty much all the time and just wanted him to be the strong one and take care of me, it didn't happen. He made it about him and how hurt he was by my pain and anger. How it made him feel shame when I got angry about things that have happened and how much recovery it costing us in time and money. That's when the walls went all the way back up and haven't come down.

Maybe part of me was trying to punish him, make him feel some of the pain that I am feeling. In all honesty, I don't want to intentionally hurt or shame him. I honestly don't want to cause him hurt, but by hiding the pain from everyone for so many years I haven't let myself feel it. It's going to take time and work, and a lot of it, to be able to heal and feel safety and trust again. I am committed to working on my own recovery, but our recovery as a couple is on hold for now until I see the actions that will help me to feel safe and start to rebuild trust.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that B is not committed to working his recovery to heal himself. He flat out told me that he doesn't know what he is working on recovery for because I am not showing him love (I am paraphrasing, but the sentiment is still the same). I told him that he couldn't work recovery for us, he has to work on his own healing first. He doesn't think it's worth it, it's not enough he told me, to work on it for himself, he has to see some civility and compassion from me. That scares the SHIT out of me (pardon my language). He will never fully be in recovery if that's why he is doing it. He has to want to heal his own heart, mind and spirit before he can truly work on our healing as a couple. This has been my biggest fear going into recovery, that B won't want to get better unless I work to heal us as a couple. I can't do that right now. I have to be able to see action on his part before I can work on our healing as a couple. It's quite a stalemate we have. I can't lower my walls and let him in and he won't work on recovery because I won't lower my walls and be vulnerable. I don't know where we go from here as a couple. I know where I need to go and I am honestly getting my map out and working on heading that direction. B will have to make his own decision.

Heartbroken but recommitted,

T.

Disclosure is Done and I'm Okay

I was prepared. My wonderful and understanding friend picked me up at the therapists office and spent the afternoon with me. I rented a condo for the weekend. My sister-in-law came down to stay with me. I had a bag packed with lots of different options for what I felt up to doing. I had snacks and sandwich makings in case I wanted to hole up in the condo. I took work off after our appointment on Friday. I covered my Sunday School class for tomorrow. I was ready.

I won't kid you and tell you it was pleasant. It was painful. It was hard. It hurt. The one thing it wasn't, for the most part anyway, was surprising. There were a couple big episodes of acting out that I wasn't aware of and one was particularly painful, but the rest of the disclosure wasn't really all that surprising. For the most part I had heard a lot of it over the years. It didn't make it any less painful…especially the lying and deceit. By far, that is still the hardest and most hurtful part of all this, the deceit. That the man I love and have trusted with my heart could be that duplicious is just painful.

The one thing that HAS surprised me from all this is that I'M OKAY. I am still trying to figure out if it is because I'm not acknowledging my emotions or if it's because I am in a good place and am really trying to heal. I really haven't cried much, only at the appointment and when I reread B's accountability statement again today, and even then the tears were short-lived. I have even spent time with B twice since then (once at the school play last night and once at our Ward Christmas Party tonight), and I have held his hand, leaned on him and given him a hug. I did have a very short panic/anxiety attack during the closing prayer at the party tonight and that tells me that it is probably just starting to settle in, but it was very short and I was able to breathe my way out of it. I don't know what that means for the upcoming days, but for the most part tonight I'm feeling okay. I'm exhausted and drained but I expected to be a lot more upset than I am.

All of that being said, forgiveness and trust are going to be a long time coming. We still have a long road ahead of us to healing. B hasn't even reached a point of sobriety yet. There are still a lot of hurdles to leap and a long distance to run yet, but we're off the block and headed into the first turn at least. This journey is a marathon and not a sprint, it might even be an triathlon or a hike to the summit of Mt. Everest, but we have started and that's the beginning of the journey.

Feeling okay,

T.

D-Day Tomorrow

I don't remember our actual D-day (disclosure day), I really honestly don't. B tells me that he came to me and told me and I'm sure he did. I just don't remember it. I've blocked it out I think because I've been looking for that memory and I can't find it. I want to remember what it was like because maybe it will prepare me in some way for tomorrow.

Tomorrow we are sitting down with our therapist and B is giving me a formal disclosure. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am nervous to have it all laid out in front of me. I am relieved to finally be getting it over with. I am anxious that I won't be able to process it all. I honestly don't expect any huge surprises as to behaviors but the context and timeframe will be new. I am really anxious for the answers to my questions. It is so much to process all at once.

I have a good plan in place for myself this weekend. I have support lined up. I have a safe place to stay. I have packed an emotional first aid kit. I have everything I think I will need (I even packed the Ambien and the Xanax just in case). I'm as prepared as I feel I can be when facing this huge unknown.

The thing that I am the most frustrated about right now is the fact that B completely disconnected from me tonight. I really wanted him to be present. Tomorrow our life will shift. It won't be the same regardless of how I react or what he tells me. We will be different. I really wanted to have tonight to be together talking about how we are feeling about tomorrow. Planning for how things will look after this weekend. Talking about Christmas and our kids. None of that happened. He withdrew. Our son had a meltdown. I got tired and frustrated. It was not a great night.

If you are the praying kind, please send one up for us. If you aren't please send whatever goodwill you can our way. We could use all the support we can get as we get through D-day and move towards our healing path.

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow,

T.

Stepping Into The Light

Owning my story and stepping out into the light is something that has taken me years to do. I always wanted to keep it secret. I didn't want people to judge me or my husband. We aren't bad people. When first disclosed to me almost seventeen years ago, I was ashamed. The other thing about his first disclosure is that I don't remember it. I'm pretty sure I have repressed that memory. I have been looking for it lately and I honestly cannot find it. I don't remember ANYTHING about B's first disclosure to me. That doesn't mean I don't remember the FEELINGS around it, those I do remember. I was hurt, mad and ashamed mostly. I also didn't realize what a powerful hold this addiction had on him.

I do remember later discoveries and disclosures and how each one left me a little more broken. I hid all of that completely (as well as I could anyway), because of my feelings of shame and embarrassment, for twelve very lonely years. I then told one person and we still didn't talk about it much, but it did allow me to be there for her when she found pornography in her computer history (to this day she is one of my most staunch supporters and I would be lost without her most of the time). I told a couple of people over the next few years, including my sister who is my best friend. I still felt lost and alone because I still didn't really want to talk about it. I numbed my feelings of hurt and shame with food, books (including literary porn but that's another story) and being as busy as I could be. Until a few months ago I kept thinking that if he would just stop I would be fine. The first time I heard the term Betrayal Trauma I thought, NO FREAKING WAY do I have that. Was I ever wrong (again another story…boy am I being squirreled today).

Starting a few months ago, I started stepping into the light by owning my story and sharing it as I felt impressed to do so. Overall, people have been amazingly supportive. I honestly thought people would judge me and that I would be criticized. I should have known better. I have chosen to surround myself with amazing people most of my adult life. I should have known that I would have an army of supporters when I needed it. It has been a really long time since I have felt so much love and compassion. I'm not sure I have ever let myself ever be this authentic. Why not? I was afraid of people not liking me if they knew who I really was inside.

Over Thanksgiving weekend I disclosed to a very longtime friend. She was shocked that I hadn't told her before now. I assured her that until recently I hadn't really shared with anyone. What hit me the most out of the entire conversation? That she wished I had told her sooner. Her only regret was that she hadn't been able to be there to support me all these years. I wish I had told some of my closest friends sooner. I wish I had sought out that unconditional love and support that I have received since disclosing to them.

In LifeStar the other night, one of my new friends said she has not told anyone. She doesn't want anyone to think less of her husband for this because he is an amazing man. She wanted to know if that was bad. I told her absolutely not! She's in LifeStar, she's talking to a therapist, that is part of owning her story and for her that may be enough. Everyone's story is different. Stepping into the light looks different for everyone. For a lot people, owning their story and stepping into the light may not mean that everyone around them has to know. It may not mean that anyone around them has to know. The one thing I have learned is that I personally NEED to share in order to heal. That is what owning my story and stepping into the light means for me. That doesn't mean that it is the right thing for someone else. Obviously, I am still not ready to completely come out to everyone, this blog is "anonymous" after all. I  have shared it with others as I have felt impressed to do so. I am no longer afraid of what people will think of me, because this is who I am. I still have a lot of days that I don't love who I am, but I am slowly learning that I am worth loving and I'll take that journey over the stagnation any day.

If I could tell anyone out there who has a loved one (doesn't have to be a spouse, could be a brother, sister, child, parent, whoever) that is suffering through a sex addiction anything, it would be this…find support, reach out to someone, know that you aren't alone. This does not have to own you because you are more than this addiction and trauma. There is an amazing amount of help and support out there. If you don't know where to go, reach out to me through the comments or email (awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com). I also have a tab at the top with some resources listed. Most of all just know that this addiction doesn't make your loved one a bad person and you are not weak or less than because you love them and have stood by them. You are strong, you are not alone and most of all, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Stepping into the light,

T.

I Hate The Cycle

Post overload, sorry, but I had to write twice today.

I am diligently working on separating B from his addiction in my mind and heart. Some days this is a much easier thing to do than others. I think it comes down to the damn cycle (pardon the language, but today that's the only way I can describe it). The addiction/shame cycle. It's like he does really well with connecting and being vulnerable for a few days then for some reason he slips back into addict mode. Me. Me. Me. 

In LifeStar and through other recovery resources I have learned that there is definitely a pattern to addiction or a cycle as it's usually called. This pattern can vary in length but is usually predictable in the phases. There can also be cycles within the cycle where the addict can get caught in a revolving door between two or more phases. The root of the cycle is shame, always and forever, shame. That is the root of this entire addiction, shame and not having a healthy way to process it. 

I'm not talking about guilt here, not even healthy shame that prompts you to action. I am talking the shame someone incorporates into their very being. Guilt/healthy shame tells someone that they have done something bad, whereas shame tells them they ARE bad. Guilt/healthy same says I have done something hurtful and shame tells them that they ARE a hurtful person. You get the point, shame is TOXIC to a person's mental health and it is TOXIC to those around them because it leads to unhealthy coping and more pain and shame.

B seems to be caught in a short cycle right now…sometimes only hours long. Almost every day, he works really hard to connect with me and the kids. He diligently works his recovery. He reaches out for support. He brings his shame into the light and exposes it, working through it to motivate positive changes in himself. I LOVE this. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these changes. I am learning things about B that I wish I had known all along. Things that frighten him or make him angry. Things that bring him joy. His fears as well as his wishes, hopes and dreams. I am learning how to want to fall in love with that man. The one that is vulnerable and shame resilient. The problem? The damn cycle gets him every.single.time. 

I am trying to hope. I am trying to have faith. I am trying to use my boundaries in healthy ways to disconnect myself from this cycle. Some days, I do a FANTASTIC job of this. Disconnecting in a healthy and safe way. Others, not so much. Yesterday and today are stellar examples of the latter. 

Thanksgiving Day started out great. We really had a wonderful morning. As the day progressed however, I could see the disconnect happening. I could see the cycle starting and the addict coming out (remind me later to tell you about "the addict"). I even pointed it out to B, or tried to anyway. At first, I did a good job of just disconnecting from the behavior, but as the day wore on I got more and more impatient and just plain sick-and-tired of it. The final straw for me was when B got up from the table, after our daughter worked for a very long time to prepare an amazing dinner for us, to go "work" on a map he was making for himself to use for rockhounding. He had inhaled his food. He was upset that I wouldn't "let" him bury himself in his phone at the table. He left the table and turned his back to us to hide in the virtual world. 

We talked about it last night at our checkin. He is remorseful every night when it happens. He is even conscious some of the time and does it intentionally. I know this. He knows this. I also know and understand that he does feel remorse and regret at not being able to connect. I have felt the sincerity of his words. I really want to let him off the hook and feel like he is going to try anew the next day. He does, usually anyway, for a while. Then it's back to the same ole, same ole...words, excuses and disconnection.

Today was pretty much constant static all day. He did spend some time with us but it was half-hearted at best. It is discouraging when days like this pop up. I know I shouldn't let one or two days prove to be stumbling blocks in my own recovery. For the most part I don't. I just LOVE being with the "new" connected man that I am married to and I wish it was him that was around most of the time instead of the "old" disconnected one. 

I know recovery takes time. I know he's never going to be perfect. I don't expect perfection. I don't even expect him not to have a bad day where the addict slips in. What do I expect? I expect consistent effort on his part. I expect continuous work on recovery every.single.day. I expect him to reach out when he feels like it's all too much. That's what I expect. 

Now that it is out there. Now that I have recorded my feelings, I can process and move on. I can look towards tomorrow with hope again. 

Thank you,

T.

Finally…What I've Been Waiting 17 Years For

This is the continuation of this post, so if you haven't read that one I would recommend reading it first.

B and I talked and talked, and I cried a lot, and he cried a little. We talked and cried some more, for about three hours. It was EXHAUSTING both physically and emotionally. It started out with both of us trying to get the other to see our point of view. I'm really not sure what happened to change the conversation…well by this point it was more of a very sincere monologue on my part. 

This frequently happens, I talk and talk and talk (I am working on this) and he retreats and retreats and retreats (he is working on this). This time something I said hit it's mark. I'm not sure what. I'm not sure when. But I do know how…his heart was softened by our Heavenly Father. That is the only explanation I have. I have waited seventeen years for him to realize that what he has put me through and what I have felt (or not allowed myself to feel as the case has been for many years) has been excruciatingly painful for me.  It's like he finally understood a little bit. The best part is the end of the conversation that pretty much left me speechless…

HE APOLOGIZED!!! Humbly, sincerely (I could feel the sincerity) and from his heart apologized for all the pain he has caused me. Holy shit! Ok sorry for that, but it was a moment I thought I would never see. It meant more to me than I can even describe. My husband, who has only thought of himself and what he needed for as long as I can remember, finally had a little bit of empathy for me. I am still in awe of the humility he showed. It really was a moment I want to cherish and reflect on because I know we will have many more rough patches ahead. 

In awe,

T.

I Was Ready…Until I Wasn't

This has been a week of up, down and around. A week of tears, yelling, tears, shame, tears, drama, tears and pain. It's also been a week of peace, tears, healing, tears, humility, tears, accountability, tears, hope and tears. In case you didn't catch on there has been a lot of crying happening around here this week. Most of it by me, but some by B as well.

This might come out a bit disjointed and it might be a long post but I really want to be able to look back at this week later and learn from it and remember the positives of it.

Let me preface this by saying that for weeks B has been working with his therapist to prepare his disclosure to me. This is a formal written accountability and timeline of his addiction. Including time, durations and frequency as best as he can remember them. He will then present it to me in a session with his therapist (I chose his therapist, because he has worked with both of us, and honestly to me my therapist is my safe place and I didn't want disclosure to happen in her office). He has either not been adequately prepared for this or he has been in denial about what  huge impact this is going to have for me. As you read the story that follows you will understand why I say that.

B let me know at the end of the week last week that he was ready to give disclosure and we scheduled it for next Wednesday afternoon. I was ready, until I wasn't. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I didn't want disclosure the day before Thanksgiving. I didn't want to be an emotional mess for my kids that weekend and I didn't want every Thanksgiving to be tainted by the reminder of disclosure. I moved the appointment to the next Thursday. He started to worry when he found out that disclosure was going to happen in his therapists office because he thought that he'd just be able to give it to me at home. Then when I moved the appointment he was even more worried because he didn't understand why I thought it wasn't a great idea to have it around Thanksgiving.

When I saw my therapist early this week and let her know disclosure was scheduled she and I talked about my safety plan. I had already taken that day off work and was planning to bring separate cars to the appointment. She told me that it is standard to have the husband find somewhere else (that is a safe place for me to have him be) to stay until I invite him back home. She said I should also probably have a support person or two meet me at the therapists office to be my support afterwards. She also wanted to make sure I had my "first aid kit" ready for use and a couple of different plans depending on whether I wanted to be alone or whether I wanted support around me. She advised that I should have a plan for my kids as well. This all surprised me a bit and made me reconsider whether I could be ready by the week after Thanksgiving. I decided that because of personal and work commitments that I couldn't get out of for that week I would put it off one more week. I rescheduled it for the afternoon of December 12th and it is currently still scheduled for then.

After my appointment I called to tell B about what my therapist had told me and I gave him a couple of suggestions as to where he could stay. I could tell he was starting to withdraw and shut down when he told me we would talk about it later, I could just hear it in his voice. I started to get a bit worried as well, it seemed logistically like it was going to take a lot of work.

When I got home I could tell he was upset and we started to talk about what we were going to do. He went into victim mode and started talking about how hard it was going to be for him to share all this with me and how he is going to need support and how he wasn't going to be able to take care of the kids. This set me off because he just wasn't "getting" how he has known about these behaviors for thirty years and he has been working for weeks on getting them written which has given him time to process them some. For me though, it's going to be thirty years of addiction condensed down to an hour and while I'm not expecting any huge surprises, some of it is going to be very painful to hear. I was given the chance to ask any questions I wanted and I gave him some hard questions to answer. They will be hard for him to answer if the answers are yes and they are going to be hard for me to hear if the answers are yes as well. The other element that I am really struggling with is wondering if this is truly a full disclosure because of his own confessions to me last week. When I confronted him about his lying last week, I asked him if he had talked to his therapist about the behaviors and the lying, he said he hadn't. Then I asked him if he had planned to include it in his disclosure and he admitted that he hadn't planned to do that either. When I asked him how I was supposed to trust that it was a full disclosure when I knew already he had planned to withhold information from it, he didn't have any good answer other than that I just am. My worry was further antagonized by the fact that he reacted so poorly when confronted with the facts of how difficult this is going to be for me. I realize that honesty is hard for him because he has lied for so long. I realize that it is shame based. Just because I understand those things doesn't make it hurt any less.

We didn't get much resolved other than more hurt. I was walking out of the room and he quietly and humbly admitted that he was scared. I was so upset that I responded in one of the worst ways I could to his sincere admission. I said "Maybe you should be scared. Maybe if you had been more scared the last seventeen years we wouldn't be here now." I promptly left the room as we had to get ready to go to Pack Meeting for my son.

I took some deep breaths and decided I needed to distance myself emotionally or I was just going to keep being hurt and trying to hurt him back. He texted me at pack meeting emphasizing how hard disclosure is going to be for him and how hurt he was…something like that. I don't want to go back and read them because it is still painful. I texted him back an explanation I had given him and sent him a link to this post on A Wife Redeemed. That night I honestly don't remember if we talked anymore at all, I don't think we did more than what was absolutely necessary of two people living in the same space.

The next morning he got out of the shower and came back to bed because he wanted to snuggle me so he could be reassured and be loved. I barely woke up, but I was awake enough to realize that that was probably what he wanted. I was still in self protection mode and just went back to sleep. I was getting up just as he was leaving and I got a text from him saying how hurt he was. He was still in victim mode and wanting to find his validation of self worth from me. 

 Rejection is a huge trigger for him and he really has no idea how to deal with it. He feels that when I distance myself from him and enforce my boundaries that I am rejecting him. In actuality I am protecting myself from his addict behaviors and not from him. It's going to be a struggle to find ways to work through that. I digress.

Throughout the morning we had a text conversation because we were both at work. I didn't want to reread these texts because some of them were so hurtful, but I did for the sake of accuracy (remember I want to learn and grow from this, so it needs to be truthful). He basically said that he was hurting and that he wanted a date with me that night so we could talk. I told him okay but he needed to plan it because he hadn't liked the idea I had come up with (which was to see The 100 Foot Journey). The conversation kept on in that vein of me enforcing my boundary and speaking plainly and him heaping blame on me for him not feeling loved. The following was the pinnacle of the conversation on both sides:

B - "I'm not sure how I am going to make it through the rest of the day. You are being so cold to me. I just need a little love. Stop being so mean."

T - "I am really trying. I have no more fight left in me for this conversation. You will need to reach out to someone else. I have given you options for when I will be able to talk to you, but I have a lot of work to do if I ever want to come home tonight and I can't keep having this conversation if I'm going to get that done. Right now I'm sitting on a rock looking at the river crying. I need to be able to focus so I can get back to work and get done so we can talk. I won't be responding to anymore texts for now. Please don't miss our son's parent teacher conference because if you do it's not me you will be hurting it is him."

B - "I didn't mean to hurt you."

I will admit this text absolutely baffled me. Really!?! How did you think I would react. Of course I was hurt and upset. It took me until about 11:00 in the morning to finally be able to focus on work and get something done.

I extended an olive branch in the hopes of getting some actually meaningful conversation happening. I made arrangements for our son to go to a movie with a friend and his mom. Our daughter was going to hang out at a friend's house. I stopped and picked up what he wanted for dinner. I felt like I was the one being left hung out to dry and yet I consciously chose to try and reach out to him. It was very difficult and I questioned whether I was just enabling his broken brain behavior (ha! BBB - broken brain behavior). In the end, I am very glad I did.

This next part deserves it's own post…so this story is to be continued...

Seeing Me

I realized this morning, after an excruciating night of pain and fighting, that B hasn't seen the real me in years, I haven't let him. It's scary for me to let him see the me that I've been hiding, because some days she's not very happy. I realized I have been protecting B in some ways for years from the consequences of his addiction. I haven't let him see the pain and anger that his acting out has caused because I was always afraid that it would just give him one more reason to turn to porn. I let some of it out yesterday and he didn't like it at all. He found a way to make it all about him, even though I was trying to be honest with him. It hurts, it really really hurts and B thinks I'm overreacting. I don't come here to air our dirty laundry, but I need someplace that I can be me and it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling.

It started with a question from me about who he wanted to be his accountability partner for Covenant Eyes, because it can't be me right now. He doesn't feel he needs one unless it's me. His words were, "I don't need an acceptability partner because there is no shame in confessing if I slip. I have faith that I'm not going to slip and if I do there is no shame in confessing it." Those may not be his exact words, but they were along that line. He's in the recovery honeymoon, I get it, I've been there too. Someday maybe he will forgive me for not having the same amount of faith in him, because I don't. I do love him, and I really want to hope that we are past the acting out and lying, but I'm not there yet. 

I'll explain why I want him to have an accountability partner and why it can't be me. I want him to have someone that he can talk to on a regular basis about any slips or temptations. I want him to have someone he can reach out to if he needs to. Right now I can't be that person. It hurts too much when he slips and I honestly don't want to hear about all his temptations right now. I want to know that when/if he has a slip HE takes accountability to tell me about it. I need that honesty and open communication. Right now I need there to be no more dishonesty or lying. I feel like if I was getting an accountability report for him that he would let that be his disclosure to me instead of taking the accountability to come tell me. 

I think I understand why he wants me to get the report. He feels that if I was getting the report it would be that much more of a deterrent to acting out. He feels that it would help protect him from acting out. I get that, but I can't be the police anymore. I can't be used to police his activity anymore. I've done that for years. Played Sherlock Holmes to uncover any suspicious activity, questioned him like a suspect and tried to get him to break down. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want the fear of getting caught acting out to be what motivates him. I need to know that our family and our marriage are worth not acting out for. I need to know that the joy he finds in recovery and in truly connecting with me and our children are worth not acting out for.

It seems like a little minor issue to him, and maybe it is, to him. But it isn't to me. It's a big issue. I need him to have a support person other than me. He keeps saying he is going to find one but he hasn't yet. If he doesn't want someone to get his accountability report, then so be it, I won't ever force that on him, it's his choice. He doesn't see it as a choice, his exact words were, "It's not really a choice because if I don't find someone to get my report then there is a consequence." Yep there is. There is always a consequence and we have to deal with them. 

I let the "discussion" get out of hand and it deteriorated over the afternoon. I should have walked away much sooner than I did. I was accused of being unsupportive, unforgiving, manipulative, making it so that he couldn't concentrate on his work and letting one little thing ruin our happiness. It hurt, it really really hurt. I tried to let it go. I tried to say, it's his "addict brain" talking and not the man I was starting to see. But, the thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't think it should hurt. He doesn't think that I have the right to be hurt and angry some days. Somehow, after 17 years of lying and acting out, of him turning to porn instead of to me, I'm supposed to just embrace the new him. The man who IS working recovery, the man who has made HUGE steps in honesty and openness. I DO see these changes, changes that have NEVER happened before. I do embrace this man, hesitantly because I'm afraid of him disappearing. It will hurt so much more because I have seen the changes in him, I LOVE the changes in him. I am not ready to embrace those changes wholeheartedly yet because it will hurt so much if those changes aren't truly permanent.

We both have so far to go in our individual recovery and the recovery of our marriage. He feels that I am sabotaging our recovery as a couple with my anger and lack of faith. I feel that I have made huge strides in our recovery as a couple but that I have work to do on myself that will greatly help us as a couple. I love my husband, probably more so now than I have in years. I want to make my marriage work. I want to be happy in my relationship again. I honestly do. But I need to feel safe again. I need to feel like it's ok to be me and to have bad days and that he will still love me and not turn to porn. I need time, I may need lots and lots of time. 

Hurting still,

T.

Unsettled

I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.

I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book. 

Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.

I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…

Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.

I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.

I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.

He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted  as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.

I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess. 

B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now. 

I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.

Feeling a little bit better,

T.

My Parent's Love

This past weekend was healing and painful all at the same time. As I mentioned in my last post I was able to reach out to my parents via a letter to let them know I was struggling. Their response was to let me bring it up if I wanted to. We aren't the best family at communicating and I wish I would've gotten some sort of acknowledgement from them verbally, but they did show me with hugs and time spent with me that they were there for me.

On Saturday night when it was just my parents, my sister and I together, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. For some this would just be an accepted thing that a dad would do, but that's not how my family has ever worked. I can only remember one other time of my dad giving me a blessing and it took every ounce of courage for me to ask for it at that time. It just wasn't something that happened a lot at my house. Anyway, he immediately got up from his chair and asked if there was anything in particular I needed a blessing for and gave me a father's blessing. It was so powerful in it's simplicity. I immediately had so much peace and knew that no matter what my parents were there for me. I am crying now just thinking of how much this huge step in my relationship with my parents has meant.

I still have a long ways to go in fully opening myself up to my parents and to letting them see my struggles, but I know that no matter how long it takes there is no time limit with them. 

I had really planned to blog some more about the events of the weekend, but right now, this is all I need. I just needed to remember the love and support my parents have for me and the healing that I was able to do these last 4 days.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Codependent Some More

I wasn't going to blog yet, I was trying to give myself a break to filter and process my words, so that in the heat of the moment I don't say something I regret. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, mad, upset, all of the above…but I didn't yell and scream tonight, I didn't even cry. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it just is right now. I finally realized that until I get some of my thoughts out, I'm not going to be able to sleep, and since I have to be up in less than three hours for work, I need at least a little sleep.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being codependent. She is reading the book Codependent No More and was telling me a little bit about it. Hello! I've often thought I was codependent, and it is really being reinforced to me now that I probably am. I am a caregiver, a saver if you will, of the downtrodden. I need to be needed…up to a point…then I need to not be needed at all anymore because it overwhelms me. Ok that sounds a little circle-ish but it's like this, I need to feel needed by others, to feel valuable to others per se…but when they start to depend on me for almost everything, or at least more than I think they should, then I don't want them to need me at all anymore, it's too overwhelming.

I found this about codependency on Wikipedia: People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

I often put others' needs before my own, when it's my children it's a given that their needs usually come first (note: needs, not wants), but I find myself doing this at work as well. I catch myself going, I'll just answer this one more instant message or email and help with this task then I'll go heat up my lunch. I need to be better at going, that question can wait for a few minutes until I get some food in my belly or use the bathroom or get some sunshine…whatever it might be that I need to do to better care for myself. Sometimes it can't be helped, others needs have to come first, but I want to become better at recognizing and prioritizing my own needs.

The second part of that statement that rang a bell with me is the last sentence, "When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty." This is how I feel more often than B, or even I, probably realizes. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and cause anyone pain. It's very difficult for me. I am working on turning that guilt over to my Heavenly Father and lifting the load from my own shoulders. 

I kind-of sound like a mess when I put it all out there like that, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict. How does that sound? It sounds like a heck of a label that I am unwilling to stick on myself. Let me start over, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict Daughter of God. That's it. I am who I am and I was made in the image of my Father in Heaven. I am going to try and embrace that simple fact every single day!

Reflectively,

T.

What I Wish He Knew

I was reading this post about what Dobble Addy wishes our Church Leaders knew, at makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com and it struck a chord in me. I have been thinking about it a lot this week. It is a great list about the things that wives of sexual addicts wish we could make others understand, especially if those others are our leaders. It has caused me to consider what I would put on my list of things I wish others knew about me.

-I am an intelligent, educated, professional woman
-I have a great capacity to love. I love quickly and easily.
-I have an innate sense of trust in the people around me. I almost always think that everyone has the best intentions.
-I don't have much of a verbal filter, I often say things before I even have a chance to think about them. This can be a double edged sword.
-I honestly in my heart of hearts don't EVER want anyone to hurt. No matter how much they have hurt me, I still don't want to see them hurting. It's excruciating if I am the one causing the pain.
-Despite not wanting to see others hurting, I often let my emotions get the best of me and inflict pain in the form of lashing out. I always regret it and wish I could take it back. I am working on this.
-I used to be a mostly happy person all the time, lately it seems like I am a mostly angry and unhappy person. I want to change that. I want to change ME.
-I have dealt with all my emotional pain by eating. I have a food addiction that I am powerless to fight on my own. I need my Heavenly Father in my corner and I am working at turning my heart over to Him.
-Despite the fact that I am emotionally exhausted I still want to be able to give of myself to those around me.

Now I would like to write a harder list. This is a list of what I wish B knew and understood.

-I still love you.
-You have broken my heart over and over again and I am really afraid to trust you with it again. I have erected an emotional wall towards you and I am having a really hard time deconstructing it.
-I WANT to celebrate all the positive changes you are making in your life.
-I know it frustrates you that I am still so angry and distrusting, I'm sorry. I will repeat what I said in the list above, I want to change that.
-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.
-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making.
-I need you to work on recovery for you. I need to not be your motivation because ultimately unless you are making the choices for yourself you will fail.
-I need you to take responsibility for yourself. What I mean is, I need to not feel that something I do or say is going to trigger a relapse. I can't carry that burden. I am trying to release myself of it and I need you to release me as well.
-I need you to follow the rules you have outlined for our family.
-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.
-I need you to be patient and not give up on me. I haven't given up on you or our marriage in nineteen years, not until recently anyway (and obviously I haven't completely given up or I wouldn't still be here fighting for our family).
-Lastly I want you to know that I love you (yes I am repeating this), I am trying to hope for healing in our marriage and find my faith again. 

Broken but trying to heal,

T.

Honesty

In our 12 Step meeting yesterday we were discussing Step 1: Honesty. This is the step I am currently working on. It is also the step that I see B struggle the most with…honesty. I feel like he not only isn't honest with me, he isn't honest with himself either. I really feel like he needs to study and evaluate this step every.single.day. I'll say it again…he needs to evaluate this every.single.day. He needs to ask himself, am I being honest with myself, do I really feel like I am powerless over this addiction? It may seem harsh to criticize his "working the steps" and how I feel he should do it, because I know, as does anyone involved with an addict, that their pride can make them push back against such harsh criticism. Let me explain a little further why I feel this way.

B has said that it frustrates him that I don't trust him. I get that, I really do. It frustrates me at times that I can't just "get over it" and trust that he is truly working at recovery. The truth is, he isn't working hard at recovery. Let me explain it using an analogy. Let's say B is a beautiful antique mahogany table. Now we know mahogany is expensive and prized for high end furniture, just like B is prized as a husband, father and child of God. Well his addiction is like years of abuse happening to this table, it's nicked, scarred, has it's varnish missing in a lot of spots, there are water rings that over the years have created permanent damage to the table top, the legs are wobbly and loose. Over the years he has tried to repair himself…braced a leg here, thrown a cloth over the worst spots, propped the table in the corer so it had support, but never really "fixed" the problems. Lately he has been putting more effort into repairing the table. He has fixed the wobbly legs with a patch job underneath. He has started to sand out some of the varnish to make the table ready for a stronger polyurethane coating to help it resist future damage and has found a beautiful tablecloth to accent the table. The table is staged with quality items and looks like on the outside it is ready for use. The problem is, he hasn't really addressed the issues of the table, but has made a stronger effort at bracing the problems and starting to wear them down. The legs are only marginally stronger and the top is still scarred and pitted. The top needs a good sanding and the legs need a more permanent fix…or in other words B needs to take things back to the beginning and adequately repair the foundation of the table and sand it down until nothing of the old scratches and dings remain. He really has started the project of repairing himself, and to the naked eye it looks good, but the hard work remains. He needs to take things down to the bare bones and start building from the bottom up. He needs to address the issues that cause him to turn to porn in the first place. He needs to be honest that while he is "white knuckling" it through right now, he hasn't addressed the actual powerlessness he truly has in this situation.

I think the rules he has made are a great start at controlling the behaviors, I don't really believe he honestly has admitted to himself just how completely this addiction controls his life. He has replaced the addiction for the time being with something better, but he hasn't really addressed the fact that he is completely powerless over this, it is much bigger than he is. For over fifteen years now I have watched him try to make the table stronger through temporary measures, but these always fail, because he isn't doing the work and working the steps. I have read and reread the information on Step 1 in the recovery manual. I have taken notes, marked scriptures and really tried to be honest and admit that I can't control my food addiction but I am not quite ready to make every change I need to make. Why is it ok for me and not for him you ask? It's not ok for me, and I don't trust myself to always turn my will over to the Lord and to be honest in my powerlessness. The problem comes in the fact that I don't trust B period. It  is going to take a lot to build that up. He is going to have to work the steps. He's going to have to take notes, read scriptures, work in his workbook, not have excuses and really and sincerely start meeting even my basic emotional needs before I will be able to start thinking about trusting him.

I often feel guilty about the anger, mistrust and animosity that I frequently feel about his recovery, but I'm trying to let that go. I have to let him make the choices on his own and live the consequences that may come with those choices. I am often worried that by having such feelings of apathy towards his recovery that I will in some way set him back. That is not my call, he will do what he will do regardless of how I think or feel. The problem is the complacency I see on his part when he has "resisted" for a short length of time. He's not working at recovery, he's working at making that table look beautiful without taking the time and effort to create a permanent fix.

I am working on setting my boundaries, the boundaries that I need to set in order to start to feel safe in my home and my relationship. Some of these boundaries will be tough for B to accept but I have to feel safe, and I don't. This was going to be a short post but apparently I needed to get more of the story out there.

T.

Letting Go and Setting Boundaries

I am trying to let go…of a lot of things. Right now my biggest struggle is letting go of the anger. I don't know why, but I think I am angrier now at and about B than I have ever been. I'm having a hard time determining where the anger is coming from. I don't know if this is something that I am being tempted into feeling to hinder B's recovery or if I am just really angry at him and his addiction. But, wherever it is coming from, I am nevertheless angry. I want to yell and scream and throw things, even though the only thing that would accomplish is making me hoarse, scaring my family and breaking things. I have been trying to pinpoint what exactly I am angry about and it has been difficult. I am angry at a lot of things, including my own choices. 

I guess I am using anger to describe a lot of things I am feeling. I am feeling frustrated, hurt, upset, confused, sad, anxious and scared. I really thought that I was going to be able start to take my wall down and let B in and start to work through recovery, but I am finding that far more difficult than even I believed it would be. I don't want to take it down and be vulnerable because I am just to scared of being hurt again.

Here is where the frustration comes in, both with B and with myself. I am frustrated at him for not seeing how I feel and if he does see it not understanding. He keeps saying that he is starting to realize by reading other spouses blogs, about how I might be feeling, but I don't think he really does, because every relationship is different. I know I'm not special or unique in how I feel. I know a lot of other spouses feel the same way. My heart aches for anyone going through the painful journey of sexual addiction and recovery. I just don't think that B understands that it took about sixteen years to erect and fortify the wall I have around my heart, it's not going to come down just because he makes an effort for a few weeks. I want to believe that he is truly working recovery and that he will stay sober, but for me right now I don't see it. I see him making some efforts to avoid pornography and acting out right now, but I can't envision what recovery will look like for us.

I have read a few posts recently about boundaries, and setting them for ourselves. I'm terrified of setting boundaries. I am so scared that if I set boundaries that protect myself, B will see it as me having a lack of faith in him and his recovery and think that I am punishing him. That's not it. I don't want to punish him, but I want to protect my emotional self. I have a hard time even saying this, because it feels unsupportive and selfish. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to take care of me right now, I can't leave my emotional health in the hands of a hopefully recovering addict. That would be foolishness on my part and set myself up for a fall, not to mention the added pressure that would put on the burden B already carries. As hard of a conversation as it is going to be for both of us, we need to have it. We need to have boundaries for both of us. 

I need to be able to take care of my own emotional health if I am ever going to be able to support B in recovery. I am trying to let go of anger and hurt and am hoping that by setting boundaries I will start to feel safe enough to do that.

T.

Not a Feel Good Post

I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I'm angry. I'm angry at a lot of things, but mostly just mad at my life in general. I want to just put it all out there for now, maybe it will help get some of the anger and frustration I am feeling resolved. If you need an uplifting and hopeful post, this is not the one for you. It's not going to sound hopeful and it may even sound a bit selfish and ranty. Consider yourself warned, today is not a day for sunshine and rainbows but rather for thunder, lightning and wind.

It seems like lately I need my rain gear and umbrella. I know I am choosing to focus on the bad, but I'm hoping that by getting it out there I will be able to let it go. It seems like when it rains it pours. Let's just start with the expenses and homeowner problems we've had lately. We have a three year old refrigerator that we have had to sink $400+ dollars into and it still isn't fixed (thank goodness we kept the old one and have it in the garage to act as a stand in). Then, our vehicle has been stalling as we drive it down the road and with B out of work we can't afford to take it in to the shop to be looked at, so we are down to one vehicle with three drivers all going different directions. Then B sent me a picture today on my phone of where a mouse or something has made a hole all the way from the outside of the garage through the door frame into the garage. Oh and did I mention, that this has caused water damage from all our rain we've gotten lately? Are you serious!?! We live in a three year old home for crying out loud!!! So, now we have to call an exterminator to come find the pest and rid us of it, so we don't have to keep fixing the same hole. As a result, I took tomorrow off of work very last minute to get things in the garage straightened out so we can get it organized and make sure that that is the only damage. On a positive note, did I mention how awesome my co-workers are? They didn't even bat an eye at covering for me tomorrow so I could take care of things. 

Now, I'll just touch on the emotional baggage I'm trying to clean out right now. My mom called to talk last night (we talk almost every day) and decided that she needed to give me her opinion on what we need to improve on in order for B to find a job. It ended up being a nasty discussion that we both ended up in tears from. It really threw me for a loop and upset B because of some of the things she said. I've tried to let it go today, knowing that she is my mom and she only wants what she thinks is the best for me and that even when she is mad at me she still loves me. Sometimes that's easier said than done. I've also had such conflicting emotions about my "worthiness" to seek recovery as the wife of a porn addict. I keep thinking, "What right do I have to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband's actions when I have my own addictions to deal with?" I am still really trying to come to grips with the fact that just because I have my own faults doesn't excuse B from the pain he has caused me. It's pretty tempting to just say I don't deserve to feel this way and so I'm not going to look for support. The logical part of me knows that this is my own shame and guilt eating away at me and that I am as much in need of recovery and healing from the pain caused to me as I am from the addictions that have a hold of me. 

None of this even begins to address my feelings about B's recovery and how it is progressing and how I am working through all that. I will save that for another day as I'm having a hard time keeping my eyelids open right now. 

I am sorry for the ranting jag and that I didn't have something uplifting or hopeful to post today. It is what it is today. You get the unadulterated ugly truth here, it's the only way we are going to heal. I needed to let that all go tonight so that I can face my day tomorrow with optimism as to what can be accomplished. We only need to turn it over to Him. 

Worn out and frustrated,

T.

Real Romance

I admit to having a guilty pleasure, it's all things related to The Bachelor. I know, it's a crazy reality program with no basis in reality. I know this. I have always viewed it as harmless, to me anyway, entertainment. I like to laugh with, cry for, be invested in and follow the couples from the show, even though the logical part of me knows that it will be difficult to sustain any sort of relationship when you are back in "real life". I guess it's the hopeless romantic in me that wants everyone to get their happily-ever-after. Yes, I can see you rolling your eyes and shaking your head…I'm doing it as well. It finally hit me tonight as I was catching up on 'Bachelor In Paradise' that the show really is just a highly publicized and funded opportunity to play-the-field. Let's not even begin to elaborate on the immorality of how many men/women the Bachelor/Bachelorette participants kiss and the three potential spouses that they spend a night in the 'fantasy suite' with.

I have previously eschewed the summer fill-in bachelor spin-off, because it really is all about hooking-up. I decided to give this season's new twist a try. Hook-ups, drama, sleeping together on the first date, going home with someone to meet their parents after knowing them only three days, women fighting over men, the provocative clothing. WOWZA! Is all I can say. And this is on primetime programming? Where my kids can see it? So not ok with that.

It's been easy for me to rationalize watching this franchise because of the "true love" element and the fact that I don't take it too seriously. I'm done rationalizing and minimizing the impact this has on my own view of relationships. It will actually be really hard not to watch the upcoming season, but I will find other ways to occupy my time.

I want to learn about healthy relationships and how to strengthen my own. In order to do that I have to rid myself of my 'guilty pleasures' and focus on more positive and uplifting fare.

Making better choices,

T.

My Load Has Been Lightened

I've created a support network for myself. It is one I wish I had had fifteen years ago. It is the thing I wish most for anyone whose partner is suffering from addiction. ANY kind of addiction, but especially a sex addiction. I wish everyone had a place they could share their stories, their experiences and their emotions that is free of judgement and censure. There are so many out there that suffer alone and silently, just like I did for over ten years, and they just don't need to. Everyone needs a support system that they can turn to no matter how ugly things get. I hope that by sharing my experiences here that y'all will feel like you can reach out to my husband or me free of judgement, especially if you aren't ready to share your trials with anyone around you. 

Back to my original point, my support network. It has only been in recent days that I have really felt able to voice some of our story to more than just a handful of people. Most of the people I have previously shared my story with, I shared because I wanted them to know that they had someplace to turn. It was so they would feel less alone, not so I would.  Well, that's changed in the last few weeks, I've needed to know that I wasn't alone. I've needed the people close to me to "see" me, the good, the bad and the ugly.  At the risk of losing some of my pride, I humbled myself enough to open up to a few people around me so that I could reach out to them for support. You may think that it was not a humbling that had to happen but rather a humiliation, but that is far from true. It is absolutely humbling to lay yourself bare and risk the judgement you are sure will come, even from those that you know truly care about you. I feel like every time I share with someone I care about I risk losing them in my life. That has never proven to be the case, but it's still a fear of mine. 

The first experience of true fear of sharing came a few weeks ago when I shared with B's sister a little of what we are going through. I'm not really sure she was ready to hear it and I'm sure it was not something she ever wanted to hear about one of her brothers, but she listened, and I didn't feel judged. I was so upset that night by some things that one of his other sisters had said that it just kind of all came out. The next day I shared an even smaller portion of our story with another of his sisters. I honestly didn't want it to come as a complete surprise if we did/do decide to separate. I was concerned that B would be upset with me for sharing with his family, and I'm sure it was difficult for him, but he wasn't mad. 

The next time was just this week. I have a co-worker that I really care about, who like me, doesn't sleep. Hers is for a different reason than mine but we often talk about how little we sleep. I felt prompted to share our story with her, so I did. I sent her a text that said something along the lines of, I don't know why I feel I should share this with you, but this is a big part of why I don't sleep. It included a link to the blog. The response I got from her was quick and was amazingly uplifting to me. She has no idea how many times she has lifted me up, how many times she has helped me feel safe to share, or how many times she's made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. I hope she knows that most days at work it's in part because of her that I survive the rough ones and love the good ones. Her friendship means more to me than she could ever realize.

The last time I shared a piece of our story was tonight. This was one of the most difficult times I have shared. I stood to risk the most I've risked so far by sharing, and yet here I am, feeling more buoyed up the the love and friendship of amazing women than I had hoped I could be. It was my book club tonight, the one night a month that B has learned over the years is mine no matter what. Well, almost no matter what. I wasn't planning on sharing any of this with them, but it just felt right. One of them already knew a bit about some of our past struggles, but the rest had no idea. I wasn't ready to share prior to now, the wounds were just to raw, and I just was not ready to open myself up to that kind of hurt from people I love. I didn't know I was ready tonight, but apparently I was. As difficult as it was, and as much as I risk upsetting B by sharing with more people, I am so relieved that I did.

I am truly sorry if it hurts B when I share and we lose some of anonymity, but if I can help anyone by sharing I will.

It feels like over the last few weeks my burden has been a bit easier to carry because of the amazing support network I have that has helped shoulder the load. Even some of those that don't know my story have helped carry the load just by being the amazing people they are. I am thankful every day that Heavenly Father has placed the people in my life that he has. I am surrounded by greatness and I try to remind myself everyday that I am not alone. Please, if you are reading this and you feel alone, know that you aren't. I am here. I will listen. I will help you carry the load because I am able to as mine has been lightened by others.

Lighter today,

T.