Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Fear Has Held Me Prisoner

I had an a-ha, lightbulb moment last night, and it's one I have had several times before, but apparently a lesson I need to keep learning. Let me start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of my growth this time.

The last month I have started to get depressed. I have felt depressed before but have always been able to push through it fairly quickly. This time it was different. I haven't just "felt" depressed, I have been depressed. To me there is a subtle difference in that "feeling" depressed is just that, a feeling, and being depressed is something that feels like it is a permanent part of me. I have never felt that before now. The last two weeks it has been so bad that I haven't wanted to get out of bed and yet I have struggled to go to sleep at night, I haven't cared if my kids go to school, I haven't cooked dinner in three weeks, at least, I haven't nourished my body but have gorged on junk, there have been days that I have cried on and off all day. I have been so hopeless that I had given up, just done what had to be done and escaped through social media, books, shopping and sleep. It felt like I was in a pit of mud and that I just wanted to give up and stay there. I didn't care anymore if I got out of the mud, or if it just swallowed me whole. I have been on a medication for anxiety that also helps with depression for three or four years now and it has helped dramatically, it hasn't felt like it was helping the last 3 weeks or so though, so I talked to my doctor and asked her to increase my dose. I've been taking the increased dose for about a week now with slight improvement. I hesitate sometimes to mention that part because there is such a stigma attached to taking medication for depression and anxiety, but it's my reality and so I am owning it.

Last night as I knelt in prayer I realized how much fear I was holding on to. I have been afraid that B. won't work hard and find recovery and therefore my marriage will be over. I have been afraid that our finances will never be stable. I have let fear tell me that I am never going to be healthy and active. I have been afraid that my daughter will be unhappy as she leaves for college next fall. I have been afraid that she has been holding in her emotions and not dealing with them. I have been afraid that the world is going to chew up and spit out my tenderhearted son. I have also been afraid that he will become an addict too. I have been afraid of negative and critical comments from others. These fears have held me prisoner in my mind. They have consumed me. They have occupied so much space that I became hopeless and felt out of control.

As I knelt there I surrendered those fears as much as I was capable of. As I handed them over to Heavenly Father knowing that Christ has already suffered them for me, I felt a loosening before I even finished my prayer. It was as if there has been a band constricting my heart and as I released my fears to my Father in Heaven that band released and I could breathe and feel hope again. I know the process of surrender works. I know that holding on to fear is toxic for me and my recovery. I know that I can find peace through surrender. I haven't been practicing it and therefore I had fallen in the mire and couldn't get out. I can't ever get out on my own. I need the hand of a loving Savior to help me out. He sacrificed His life for me (and for each of you) so that I don't have to suffer these fears if I will turn them over to Him. I am grateful for a loving God who has made a plan for happiness. I wish that I didn't have to relearn things that I know and have practiced. I am grateful that I was reminded to surrender my fears last night. I feel more hope and less fear than I have felt in weeks. It's not a evangelical on fire type of miracle, but a subtle change of heart kind of miracle. It still feels like a miracle to me.

More hopeful,

T.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

Waiting-For-the-Other-Shoe-to-Drop-Feeling-of-Impending-Doom

It's after 2 AM and I'm not sleeping. It's not that I can't sleep, I'm pretty sure I could sleep without problem if I let myself. Why don't you let yourself then you ask? Well, the easy answer would be because I don't want to…but that's not true, I DO want to, desperately. I have let myself steep in my anxiety and fear for so long tonight that I have to process it and let it go, therefore I blog.

I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight. 

I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation. 

I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.

There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now. 

Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level.  I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.

Finding my way out of my head,

T.

Letting Go and Setting Boundaries

I am trying to let go…of a lot of things. Right now my biggest struggle is letting go of the anger. I don't know why, but I think I am angrier now at and about B than I have ever been. I'm having a hard time determining where the anger is coming from. I don't know if this is something that I am being tempted into feeling to hinder B's recovery or if I am just really angry at him and his addiction. But, wherever it is coming from, I am nevertheless angry. I want to yell and scream and throw things, even though the only thing that would accomplish is making me hoarse, scaring my family and breaking things. I have been trying to pinpoint what exactly I am angry about and it has been difficult. I am angry at a lot of things, including my own choices. 

I guess I am using anger to describe a lot of things I am feeling. I am feeling frustrated, hurt, upset, confused, sad, anxious and scared. I really thought that I was going to be able start to take my wall down and let B in and start to work through recovery, but I am finding that far more difficult than even I believed it would be. I don't want to take it down and be vulnerable because I am just to scared of being hurt again.

Here is where the frustration comes in, both with B and with myself. I am frustrated at him for not seeing how I feel and if he does see it not understanding. He keeps saying that he is starting to realize by reading other spouses blogs, about how I might be feeling, but I don't think he really does, because every relationship is different. I know I'm not special or unique in how I feel. I know a lot of other spouses feel the same way. My heart aches for anyone going through the painful journey of sexual addiction and recovery. I just don't think that B understands that it took about sixteen years to erect and fortify the wall I have around my heart, it's not going to come down just because he makes an effort for a few weeks. I want to believe that he is truly working recovery and that he will stay sober, but for me right now I don't see it. I see him making some efforts to avoid pornography and acting out right now, but I can't envision what recovery will look like for us.

I have read a few posts recently about boundaries, and setting them for ourselves. I'm terrified of setting boundaries. I am so scared that if I set boundaries that protect myself, B will see it as me having a lack of faith in him and his recovery and think that I am punishing him. That's not it. I don't want to punish him, but I want to protect my emotional self. I have a hard time even saying this, because it feels unsupportive and selfish. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to take care of me right now, I can't leave my emotional health in the hands of a hopefully recovering addict. That would be foolishness on my part and set myself up for a fall, not to mention the added pressure that would put on the burden B already carries. As hard of a conversation as it is going to be for both of us, we need to have it. We need to have boundaries for both of us. 

I need to be able to take care of my own emotional health if I am ever going to be able to support B in recovery. I am trying to let go of anger and hurt and am hoping that by setting boundaries I will start to feel safe enough to do that.

T.

Unintentially Intentional Insomnia

It's 2:00 AM and I'm still awake. Forget the fact that physically I could have probably gone to sleep at 8:00 PM. forget the fact that I have to be up in the morning for work. Forget that I can barely move because I'm so exhausted. I'm awake. Why am I awake? It's unintentionally intentional insomnia. What? That makes no sense you say. Let me help clarify it a touch for you 

I really want to go to sleep, I do. The physical part of me does anyway. The anxiety ridden wife of a porn addict and sole bread winner part of me won't shut up. That tiny irrational part of my brain that whispers "Don't go to sleep, your problems will still be there in the morning. Eat, drink and be merry tonight and you won't have to face them." Well maybe not eat, drink and be merry, instead I watch bad reality tv while filling out medical paperwork for an appointment all the while playing some dumb game on my iPad. I unintentionally let that part of me override the smarter more rational part of me that knows that sleep deprivation will only compound my problems by making me less equipped to deal with them. There you have it. Do you understand? 

Put simply, I am unintentionally letting the part of me that intentionally wants to stay awake control my actions. I'm sure there could be a thesis paper in there somewhere, but I'm a bit afraid to dive into those muddy waters. 

Now that I've written all that down, I might be able to shut that bit if me off and go to sleep. Here's to not being awake at 2:30 AM.

T.