Trusting Myself

I am currently reading a book that has held me riveted, it's called Educated and it is written by Tara Westover. I am appalled and at the same time enthralled with this woman's story. How a human could have been raised the way she was and survive, let alone create a new life for herself is astounding to me. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.

This post isn't a book review though, it's about something she wrote in her book. There are times I find myself rewriting history, well not really rewriting it, but forgetting pieces of it. I am healing, growing, and learning that I am more than what my trauma has told me. Reading Ms. Westover's words reminded me that there were years where I lived in a different state of mind though. "...that I was likely insane. If I was insane, everything could be made to make sense. If I was sane nothing could. This logic seemed damning. It was also a relief. I was not evil; I was clinical." I felt crazy for years in my marriage, I lived with that feeling of craziness at times, even though I knew in my heart I wasn't.

I don't diminish the fact that I was gaslighted, and I am not taking on responsibility for my ex-husband's actions by saying that I "chose" crazy. I didn't choose to feel crazy consciously. I felt crazy because what I felt in my gut and what I was being told by my ex and by my own investigation differed. I knew things to be one way in my heart, but my logical mind couldn't find proof. That led me to feel crazy.

Why the statement above resonated so much with me was because in a way I did choose to feel crazy, because I chose not to trust myself. I had promptings that B was deep in his addiction and was lying to me. I would investigate to try and "catch" him, but he was really good at covering his tracks. Then I would confront him and he would very convincingly lie to me. Therefore, I MUST be crazy because why else would I get "promptings" or "gut feelings" if they weren't true? Only they were true, and I trusted what my logic mind was telling me over what my spiritual center perceived. I trusted my what I saw more than I trusted my faith in God.

I am not comparing or correlating my own experience to that of the author's, only saying that her words struck a chord with me tonight. I know what it feels like to question your own sanity when in the mode of self-preservation. When the truth you are being required to face, is harder than living with the feeling of insanity.

My life is what I choose it to be, at least to some degree. I am handed situations that are out of my control, that is how life happens. I am not in control of what happens to me, I am in control of how I react to what happens to me. I don't always react the way I wish I did. I frequently don't react the way I wish I did, for that matter. I am however, in control of how I act and react. I have help dealing with my actions and reactions though. I take medication for depression and anxiety, I attend therapy, and I try and maintain a close relationship with God. My life is my own to chose, however, I was not meant to chose to walk alone. I cannot choose to live my life in isolation and be my happiest self. Sometimes people and situations enter my life and I am taxed and challenged in ways I am ill-equipped to handle. That is when I need to choose to trust myself and rely on the tools and people around me, including my faith in God. I didn't choose to do this for a long time, and once I did, it took me a long time to learn to trust myself again. That was truly one of the hardest things I have had to recover from, the absolute inability to trust myself.  It was one of the things that most devastated our marriage, the fact that I was conditioned not to trust myself.

If you don't trust yourself, start trying. You are not alone in this battle. There are many others here to help. Trust yourself enough to reach out.

Learning to trust,

T.

The Road Less Traveled

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This poem has been in my mind the last couple of weeks, particularly the last verse. I feel like Heavenly Father has led me to where two roads have diverged, and that I have chosen the one less traveled by. The divergence He has led me to, is two different paths to a graduate degree. In the back of my mind for months now has been the thought that I have graduate school options, and I have fought those thoughts a lot. I honestly had no desire to go back to school. None. Now, it's all I can think about, and I am excited.

It always amazes me that I can feel inspiration from Him so clearly, when just a few years ago, I had done my best to cut myself off from God. That is a story for another time, or you can read it on my Instagram post form earlier this week (@leavingnothingunsaid on Instagram). Like I said, I've had thoughts about graduate school in the back of my head for a few months, but in the last two weeks, He has brought them front and center. He has shown me that I need to take a new road, one I have not traveled before. I have had two major choices in fields of study in my mind, and logically, one makes a lot more sense than the other. It is directly related to my undergraduate degree, it probably has a higher earning potential, and it has a high demand. The other degree, is not directly related to my undergrad degree, but I can move right to it, it is definitely the road less traveled for me, it makes the least logical sense of the two choices, and yet I feel called to take it. I always knew what I was meant to do growing up, from the time I was little. I never wavered. I have followed that path for 21 years, this would be a completely different career. It is, however, a career that I am deeply passionate about and feel called.

I give all the credit where it is due, my Father in Heaven. He has guided my life. He has lead me through the worst trial of my life. He will continue to bring me through. As I have taken steps down that road less traveled, it has felt peaceful and right. It's not going to be easy, but it is what I am meant to do.

Travelling,

T.

*poem from poetryfoundation.org

One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Big Changes and Unexpected Emotions

half empty closet

This weekend is bringing about big changes for us. B is moving out. For now this is just a separation, we don't know what will happen, it is a long separation though. B has signed a lease on an apartment and we will reassess where we go from here in the future. This isn't a spur of the moment decision, and it hasn't come quickly. I just haven't posted about it here because I wanted to wait until we had told those closest to us. Then time got away from me, so here we are on the eve of the move.

Because I don't want to forget how this came about I am going to share it here. It was almost two months ago now that B and I were having a heated discussion and he said some incredibly hurtful things to me. I had a very strong feeling that it was time to be done. This was a super emotional argument and so I put the feeling aside until I had time to take it out and look at it. For the next several days I earnestly thought and prayed about whether that prompting was the path the Lord would have me take, or whether it was my own emotions taking over. I felt nothing but peace about making a move towards divorce. I also spoke to my therapist about it. I went to see my Bishop and he and I talked about his concerns and questions. He gave me a beautiful blessing that spoke of my willingness to follow the Lord's direction in my life. I then spent time in the Temple in prayer where I had a deeply moving experience. I knew that the decision to proceed towards divorce was the right decision. I don't pretend that Heavenly Father wants to see my marriage fail, but I also don't think he wants to see me continue to live in Trauma and pain. I felt that it was the decision that would bring me the most peace.

I proceeded to tell B that I felt it was time we made preparations for separate lives. He was shocked. He was angry. Then he pulled out a Hail Mary. He worked hard at recovery activities. It was then that the doubt started to creep in. Was I really sure this was the right decision? I felt confused and angry. I was mad that he waited until I was ready and at peace with the decision to move towards a separate life to try and work on recovery. At least more earnestly than he had since the beginning of our journey towards recovery over two years ago. I had all these mixed emotions and I was so unhappy. I had anything but peace.

I was so torn. I didn't want my marriage to end, at least not when it still had potential to be great. It was during this month of indecision that I saw my therapist and she said the words I needed to hear. "You need to get honest with God and with yourself." Those words were the tiniest shove I needed to get of the proverbial fence. I took a deep breath, looked at my heart, said some raw and vulnerable prayers, and knew that separation was still the right answer. I told B. He actually agreed. Our home is not a happy place to be. Neither of us feel that this is a healthy environment.

We agreed on December 1st as the actual move out date, and then I told him he could have until this weekend so he wouldn't have to move out during the week. Then he did basically nothing at all until 2 weeks ago. He finally started looking in ernest and has packed and moved some stuff. Tomorrow he will have help to get some furniture moved over. It still doesn't really feel like this is my life.

This last ten days or so I have exhausted me emotionally. I did not expect to feel so many painful emotions. The overriding one has been grief. I expected to be sad, mad, anxious, relieved, and afraid. I somehow did not expect the ever present grief I have had. I am not mourning the loss of THIS marriage. I am mourning the loss of the marriage we could have had. I am mourning the loss of the man I feel in love with 22 years ago. I hurts so much to feel like we really could have had a healthy and happy marriage, and no that dream is ending. Maybe not forever, but for now it is. I know that we could have been happy and truly had a great marriage, and I am grieving the loss of that potential. Our marriage hasn't been all bad, please don't think that. It has been incredibly unhealthy for a long time though.

Tonight I took our son out for some fun so that B could have some space to pack and move some stuff. He was at his new place when I got home. I walked in the bedroom and felt like I had been sucker punched. I literally lost my breath and started to shed some tears. The first thing I noticed was the missing bookshelf. Then it was my framed bridal portrait that had been on top of the bookshelf resting on the floor against the wall. Then another picture frame turned face down caught my attention and I picked it up to see a picture of us on our wedding day. That was the moment that it really hit me that this was happening. The empty hangers in half the closet looked so lonely. I did not expect to feel so raw. This hurts so much more than I thought it would.

I still have peace knowing that this is the right decision for us. I know that we both need the space from the toxicity that has surrounded us. It is so hard though. I know that Heavenly Father will continue to sustain me. That He is aware of me. I know that I will be ok. It's just going to take time. I don't know what the future holds for my marriage, but I do know that I will continue to follow my Heavenly Father's guiding hand in my life. I know that as I lean on Him I will grow stronger. I know I am loved and cared for.

Achingly,

T.

If you would like to know more about my faith please click here. I would love to share more about what I believe with you, because it has been the only thing that has helped me truly find any healing. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me at awifeprogressing@gmail.com for anything you want to say or ask.

A Letter To My New Bishop

We recently got a new Bishop (he is our lay clergy, you can learn more about that here). He called B in to his office to talk to him, and they discussed B's addiction. B came home feeling loved and cared for, and he told me that the Bishop wanted to learn about Betrayal Trauma, as he hadn't heard of it before. I have felt prompted to share that email here. I hope it helps someone else.

Note: I have edited it to include the hyperlinks, and I have removed some of the personal details for anonymity sake.

Bishop,

Thank you for your willingness to learn about the impact of sex addiction on a spouse. I have attached a packet put together specifically to share about this for Bishops. It has some good information, but it is a lot, take your time and read it. I will also include other resources that can help you. 

Part of understanding about Betrayal Trauma, is learning about sex addiction itself (pornography addiction is a form of sex addiction, pornography just happens to be B's drug of choice). There are some great resources for this. Each website that I am including has a lot of information, the particular page I am linking is a good starting point, but don't stop there.

Fight The New Drug 

Row Boat And Marbles

Then of course there is the Church website about addiction recovery (this has information for both addicts and family members)

LDS Addiction Recovery

For many years I thought I was alone. I lived in shame. Why would my husband need pornography if I was enough? I have learned through my recovery that I AM enough, and that his addiction is not caused by me. His addiction began long before he ever met me. 

I have a form of PTSD called Betrayal Trauma. Basically what it means is that I get a trigger, that causes me to react physically (I have to be on medication for panic attacks), and it affects the way I process and interact with life. It sounds hokey to some, but for me, and many others like me, it is as real as a soldier's PTSD. I am learning through therapy and recovery work how to handle these triggers and what I need to do to keep myself safe and healthy. This has been a long road for me. B has been betraying me through lust, pornography, and masturbation for our entire marriage. His addiction has affected every aspect of our lives. We have had happy times, it's just hard to remember those through all of the unhappy times. 

Here are some resources for Betrayal Trauma, again, these are just jumping off points:

LDS Addiction Recovery Videos  (I am blessed to call some of the ladies, in these Advice To My Younger Self videos, friends)

Rowboat and Marbles: Wife's eyes

The woman that writes the following blog is also a friend, and her blog was instrumental in helping me start on (and continue) my recovery journey.

A Wife Redeemed

This is an organization that has also been instrumental in helping me find the connections I need to heal:

The Togetherness Project

This is the scary one, I write a blog myself. B actually wanted to start it together, but he hasn't written on it in a really long time. Feel free to read it if you'd like. (I shared the link to the blog with him, but I figure you don't need it)

I will share a little bit about our story with you. We have been married 21 years (22 years in March). We were friends for 6 months, dated for 2 months, and engaged for 7 months. We were sealed in the  Salt Lake Temple. The first time I found out about B looking at pornography was about 5 years into our marriage, and I was upset and told him that if it happened again I would divorce him. That led to years of lying and deceit, along with many discoveries. By this point I thought, "If only I was skinnier, prettier, kept a better house, made more money, wanted to have sex more, looked like a super model, whatever it was...he wouldn't need porn." The truth is I could've done and been all those things, and he still would have turned to porn. His use of porn and masturbation was not about me, it was about his mismanagement of his own emotions. He does not know how to sit in his own pain or deal with hard emotions, and so he numbs them in the easiest way he knows how. Some choose alcohol, drugs, staying busy, overeating, tv, video games, whatever it is, B chooses pornography and masturbation. The thing that is different about sex addiction, is that it undermines the very foundation of marriage. It erodes the trust that should be the foundation of a marriage. Not only is the wife being betrayed but there is a significant amount of deceit that goes along with it. The shame that accompanies the addiction is debilitating, that, and the deceit make it very difficult to find recovery. It's an addiction that is so rooted in shame that people will go to astonishing lengths to keep it hidden.

I know that recovery is possible, but it takes being cracked open and letting the will of God pour into you. Letting His will be stronger than the demons that are in control. This goes equally for the spouse. We have to learn that unless we surrender our own will to His, then we will continue to live in this cycle of never-ending trauma. We will continue to feel inadequate, try to control our spouses actions, have feelings of worthlessness, and live in chaos. I have chosen not to live that way any longer. I have no control over my husband's actions, nothing I do, say, don't do, or don't say, can change his will. He has his agency, I can't change that (as much as I admittedly would like to sometimes). The only thing I can do is chose to live close to Heavenly Father and follow his guidance for me. He has been with me throughout this journey, and I am learning more every day about listening to Him.

I have worked really hard to try and stay in this marriage and work hard at saving it, I have listened when Heavenly Father distinctly told me to "Hold on a little longer", when I was really seeking His permission to be done. I have stayed. I have continued to work on my own recovery and as hard as possible on my relational recovery as possible. I have had to keep my heart protected as I have traveled this road, because every time I start to hope the things are getting better because B is making an effort at recovery, I would act on that hope. I would relax my boundaries and let him back in as completely as I could, only to have him take me for granted again and relax his recovery effort and act out again. His cycle of acting out has escalated from years in our early marriage to around a month now. That means he will work really hard for a week or so at recovery, he will let things slip for a week, he will end up in a mode of "everything is terrible, and I am a victim of life" and he will act out for a couple of weeks. Then the cycle will start all over again. Sometimes the cycle can be 2 months, but that just means everything is twice as long. 

I am finally at a point where I have realized I am stuck in my own healing. I don't know what the future holds for us, I am not going to try and predict that. I can only stay true to the guidance of Heavenly Father and go on from there.

Thank you for your open heart and mind, and your willingness to learn about this plague that is tearing so many families apart.  Your loving reaction and openness to learning is already a balm, you have obviously learned to listen to the Spirit rather than reacting as a man. I appreciate that more than I can say. 

Humbly and lovingly,

T.

p.s. The packet of information I attached with my email to my bishop can be found here: Owning Our Stories, and the link is in the right hand column

Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

Changes

I wasn't sure I was going to post this here, but I feel like I need to. Please know that this is something I am extremely tender about and it incredibly important to me. There are some pretty specific details here regarding my boundaries and their application to our current situation. Some content may be triggering.

Friday night was hard, but not as hard as I anticipated it being. I gave B. my boundaries for in-home separation. I feel so much peace around my decisions. I fear an even harder one is coming to actually have a physical separation...but it's not time to cross that bridge yet. We have to share a room still because we only have 3 bedrooms and our kids can't share (boy/girl thing). He really wants to sleep on the couch but I won't let him because I don't want him in our living room...I already have to work in the living room, it needs to not be a bedroom too. That was the only boundary he pushed back on. I just feel peace and that is such a good thing. If anyone is interested here are the boundaries I gave him (please ask if you have any questions, and I love feedback...I went over them with my therapist and she thought they were great):

-Beds separated (our king size bed is actually 2 twin beds pushed together)

-Complete privacy while I am showering/changing (do not even come in the bathroom while I am showering)

-No physical touch unless initiated by me (hugs, kisses, hand-holding, etc.)

-No sex

-No dating for now

-Assigned nights for dinner each week based on our schedules, including clean-up

-Shared responsibility for kid transportation to be determined weekly based on schedules

-I have complete control over our finances, we will have a set time each week to review upcoming bills and deposits - I will turn our debit cards off unless we need them for a pre-approved purpose, otherwise we need to speak with the other about any spending - Allowances to be negotiated

-We are each responsible for picking up our own prescriptions and making our own appointments, may ask for help as needed, each is allowed to refuse

-Cleaning schedules and responsibilities to be determined

-Decluttering and organization to be done together as possible

Update the day after: You guys, I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Today, the day after presenting these to B., I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations and truly surrender him to my Father in Heaven. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Separately peaceful,

T.

Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

Afloat

This entry might be brief because I am fighting a migraine tonight. I am feeling a bit like I am staying afloat lately, and that's about it. I don't feel stuck necessarily, but more like I'm treading water to stay up. There have been so many tender mercies from my Heavenly Father. I know he sees me. He knows me. He is aware of my struggles. He loves me.

Even with all the evidence I see of Heavenly Father around me, I am struggling with nurturing my faith and turning my will over to Him. It's not that I am unwilling, it's just that I am so weary that it feels like keeping my head above water is about all I can do. I have stronger faith now than I remember having in my life, and I know it will continue to grow as I nurture it. I feel like at this time in my recovery, He is reaching out to me. He knows how weary I am. He knows how much help I need. It is right now that He is carrying me.

I honestly didn't realize I felt that way until just now, as I typed those words out. I don't actually feel I like am just keeping myself afloat, I feel like He is sustaining me and keeping me afloat. He is helping me keep paddling. He is my life preserver that I can rest on for now.

I will have to work to not become complacent, but for now He knows I am doing the absolute best I can. My Heavenly Father loves me and has led me to rest for a season in his arms as he carries my load for me. If I allow Him, he will always carry my load, this will allow me to work on my recovery and grow.

I am truly blessed and humbled. I am loved by my Heavenly Father and He is looking out for me.

Humbly grateful,

T.

Aching

I've been visibly absent here for over a month. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I haven't been taking care of myself. I have slipped in my recovery. Tonight though, I need to write. I guess I should say, in the wee hours of morning I NEED to write. There is something inside of me that has to come out, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I just have to write. Bear with me because my soul needs to be heard.

B. is not in recovery, he's not sober, maybe from pornography and masturbation, but he isn't sober. He is numbing out in other ways. Computer, t.v., sleep, hobbies. He isn't working on becoming sober either. He is hiding behind blame, anger, hurt and perceived rejection. He feels that this week he has finally found what the root of his problem is, and maybe he has. I hope so for his sake, but I am having an impossible time finding compassion for him. My heart is broken and my insides are raw, but all he can see is how poorly I treat him, which isn't entirely wrong. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't take any more hurt either.

Tonight I was watching a Christian movie called The Song. It's about a man of faith who goes the way of fame and all that that often entails. Without divulging too much of the movies plot, at the very end he says to his wife, "You are enough." I cried. How long have I waited to hear those words and truly feel that they were honest? How much have I ached to feel that I am enough for my husband? Our entire marriage, that's how long. I have waited almost twenty-one years to feel that I am enough for the man that I chose as my eternal companion. I want to be done waiting. I asked to be done waiting, but His answer was, "Not yet, hold on a little longer." That was not the answer I wanted, it hurts too much, but it's the answer I received.

I have caused much of my own pain the last few weeks because I have slipped back into old patterns. I have let my boundaries slip because I just wanted to connect to B. I have rescued. I have compromised myself by being intimate because he wanted to, even though I didn't want to. I have done all of this in the hope that he would just see me. Why? Why did I do these things when they haven't worked for twenty years? I don't know. Okay, well I guess I do know. I desperately want my marriage to be happy and for my husband to love me. I want to feel that I matter to him. I don't feel that way and he told me himself that I don't. It was probably the most honest thing he has said to me, maybe ever. He didn't say it in a mean way, or in anger. He was right, I don't matter to him, because he is broken. My question is, how long to I have to wait to matter? How long am I supposed to stay in a marriage with a man that I don't matter to..."...a little longer." was the answer I got.

It's been heavy on my mind this week to ask for a separation, and for B. to leave the house. I have agonized over it. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my counselor and my group about it. I have prayed and prayed, talked to Heavenly Father and prayed some more. I felt that I knew the answer was that I needed to uphold some boundaries and "hold on a little longer." I knew that was my answer, and I went to the Temple today and received confirmation of that answer. Either way there wasn't a good answer for me. Either way my heart is breaking. Either way I am hurting. I have faith in Him and his timing, and so for now I am here and I am working.

I am enough for Him and for now, that has to be enough for me.

Achingly,

T.

Battle Wounds

I lay down my arms
I'm done with the fight
I'm not out of harm
And defeat is in sight

I've dug in my trenches
I'm dressed in my gear
My helmet's askew and
I'm shaking from fear

The loneliness crowds in
Despair hunkers down close
Hopelessness pushes through
Shame fills the holes

I drop to my knees
I whisper a prayer
I know that He hears
And has always cared

I hand it all over
Each fear, shame and doubt
I struggle to share
I am casting about

At last my heart slows
My words become clear
I share with Him
And I know He hears

I feel the peace
The shaking slows
The warmth permeates
The Spirit glows

At last I am free
My burdens have lifted
My cares and fears
Have now all shifted

His arms have upheld me
His love has sustained
The price has been paid
For all of my pain

I shed my armor
I climb from my hole
I am free from the burden
I am miraculously whole

T.

Couch Time: On Being a Failure

Here we are, in the therapists office…you're sitting with your yellow legal pad and a thoughtful expression while I'm laying on the couch crying about what a failure I am.

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Ok so that's not really how it goes down when I see my therapist (whom I love and can't wait to see again next week)…but it IS something I truly feel. I feel like a failure. An absolute and complete failure at everything. This is the point I am at right in this very moment and I know exactly how I got here.

Part of me knows I'm not a failure…and loathes that word entirely. However, that voice has been silenced by the complete lack of self-care and recovery work on my part lately. I have fallen into that dreaded space of COMPLACENCY. It is something that I had hoped I would never become, yet here I am.

Early in recovery my recovery materials were always at my fingertips. I was working on workbooks or reading recovery books. I was blogging or journaling. I did my homework early most weeks. I saw my counselor weekly. I attended my LifeStar group faithfully every week. I reached out. I prayed frequently and meditated often. I attempted to read my scriptures or a conference talk on a regular basis. I attended church every week. I lived and breathed recovery.

Lately, I'm lucky if my homework is done on time. I haven't read my scriptures or a Conference talk in a while. I still pray at least once a day, but often times it's when I'm already in bed and not on my knees. I haven't blogged or journaled regularly. I can't remember the last time I meditated. I haven't seen my counselor in a month (I was sick at my last appointment and didn't realize I didn't have any more scheduled). I missed last weeks group (I was out-of-town so I didn't just skip it because I didn't want to go). I haven't been to church in three weeks and I won't be there again this week (going out of town). I have let my life get out of control. (Wow! Did you see all the excuses in parentheses?)

Here's the thing, I haven't wanted to admit any of these things to myself, because then I have to hold myself accountable. Another big wall of denial I have is that I don't want to admit any of this to B., because he already feels as if I'm not doing my part to heal our marriage and therefore he feels justified in not doing his. I want him to work hard, I deserve to have him work hard. He needs to fight for our marriage. I don't really have anything to give our marriage right now, and I may not for a while. None of these things justifies me being in denial about where my recovery is.

Step 1: Recognize there is a problem. Check! I am not going to add working The Steps to my list right now, because I'm afraid I'd throw in the towel if I added anything more to my plate, but Step 1 I have down. I definitely have a problem.

So, as I lay here and you continue to make affirming statements and ask probing questions to help me work through this, hand me a fork so I can dig into this big old slice of humble pie. The thing is, it's just what I need…a dose of humility and the willingness to accept it. I am working to open my heart up and let Him do his work while I do mine. If you get a minute to offer up a prayer, can you include me in it? I could sure use the power of strong prayers to open my heart and help Him work his miracles.

Humbly,

T.

Scary Things

Today was a day of doing scary things…well scary to me in that it required vulnerability greater than I felt I was up to. Heavenly Father knew I could do it…but I had to be kicked pretty hard to get me there.

I'll start off by saying, I'm not generally shy about sharing my testimony (my faith, belief and knowledge of the truths I believe in for those of you out there that have either never heard of or understood that term before). Today was Fast Sunday (a day every month where we fast in order to bring ourselves closer to Heavenly Father and then we are able to share our testimony during our services), but I wasn't going to share my testimony as I have shared it a lot lately and our ward is huge so I felt someone else needed the time. However, during the Sacrament I KNEW I had to get up, and not only did I have to get up but He had specific things I needed to bear witness of. I was the first one up and my testimony was super short, but it was exactly what He knew I needed to say.

I wrote in my journal as soon as I sat down, and I would like to share that with you here.

"Tender mercies of the Lord surround me. I don't know how I would've made it through with out those tender mercies. He KNOWS me, He LOVES me, He GUIDES me and He is AVAILABLE to me. He has placed people in my life that I never would've otherwise met. These amazing women have taught me through example how to have faith and hope. These women have supported me and have given me the opportunity to support them. They have cried with me and have let me grieve with them. They have let me help hold their heartache and they have helped hold mine.

I have been given the opportunity to share my story so that someone else will know that they are not alone. They don't have to suffer in silence because there are others that understand and won't judge.

I won't say that I am grateful for my trial but I do acknowledge that I probably would not have found the strength I have in my faith without these trials. I am very grateful for the strength I have received. My faith and testimony are stronger than I can remember them being in a long, long time. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know he cherishes me. He strengthens me. He answers my prayers. He blesses me beyond measure. I am loved."

My heart is just overflowing with the knowledge that I am loved by my Lord and that He watches out for me. I am blessed beyond measure with the outpouring of the love He has for me. A friend described His love as being tangible during an impossible situation today. That is exactly how I felt today, His hand was tangible in my life today.

The second scary thing He prompted me to do today was to be vulnerable to one of my favorite people in my ward. She is someone I truly admire. I shared a post from my blog with here back in the first part of December and had never heard from her. I felt the overwhelming nudge to ask her if she had seen it. She has and she hadn't responded because she didn't know how to say what she wanted to. I still don't know why I was prompted to share it with her in the first place, but we are going to dinner this week to talk. I am nervous, excited and scared all at once. It is so scary to just simply own my story for what it is and not carry that shame anymore…but I feel a tiny bit lighter each time I do.

My eyes won't stay open any longer tonight, but I have more great things to share about, so hopefully I will remember to tell you about them later.

Being brave,

T.