One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

Afloat

This entry might be brief because I am fighting a migraine tonight. I am feeling a bit like I am staying afloat lately, and that's about it. I don't feel stuck necessarily, but more like I'm treading water to stay up. There have been so many tender mercies from my Heavenly Father. I know he sees me. He knows me. He is aware of my struggles. He loves me.

Even with all the evidence I see of Heavenly Father around me, I am struggling with nurturing my faith and turning my will over to Him. It's not that I am unwilling, it's just that I am so weary that it feels like keeping my head above water is about all I can do. I have stronger faith now than I remember having in my life, and I know it will continue to grow as I nurture it. I feel like at this time in my recovery, He is reaching out to me. He knows how weary I am. He knows how much help I need. It is right now that He is carrying me.

I honestly didn't realize I felt that way until just now, as I typed those words out. I don't actually feel I like am just keeping myself afloat, I feel like He is sustaining me and keeping me afloat. He is helping me keep paddling. He is my life preserver that I can rest on for now.

I will have to work to not become complacent, but for now He knows I am doing the absolute best I can. My Heavenly Father loves me and has led me to rest for a season in his arms as he carries my load for me. If I allow Him, he will always carry my load, this will allow me to work on my recovery and grow.

I am truly blessed and humbled. I am loved by my Heavenly Father and He is looking out for me.

Humbly grateful,

T.

A Recovery Metaphor

I'm not sure if I have mentioned before that we have been attending Phase I of LifeStar, in case I haven't, we are. We are in week five. Tonight was the second week that we have had a couple come and speak to us about their recovery. It is always very powerful to hear others stories and about their recovery. Tonight though, the wife shared a metaphor with us in response to my question, and it was such a great picture for me that I had to share it with you.

My question for her was about how she avoids comparing her recovery to someone else's. This is because of the guilt I sometimes (though less frequently now) have because my husband "just" has a porn addiction and hasn't had an actual affair. I know, I know, intellectually at least, I know, that  trauma is trauma no matter what…but emotionally it is still hard for me not to feel like I shouldn't feel as devastated as I do. So, her analogy was this (and it was actually great because she talked about comparing her recovery to her husband's). I am paraphrasing, so the wording isn't exact, but the meaning will still be the same.

Imagine, if you will, that you are a fawn in a glade, a beautiful meadow. Out of nowhere you are shot by a hunter. There you are bleeding out on the ground, you need help. Is that hunter able to provide you with the support you need to stop bleeding and start to heal? Nope! He is not equipped to help you when he is the one that inflicted the harm.

In other words, the hunter has to focus on the recovery from being the one to shoot you (and for why he needed to hunt in the first place) and you have to recover from being shot! His recovery is his own and your recovery is your own! Holy crap! That was a pretty great visual for me! 

The therapist running our group went on to use the metaphor to elaborate on comparing our own pain and trauma to that of another betrayed wife (again paraphrased). He said, you've been shot, period. You're going to the hospital. I don't care if you were "just" shot with a 22 gauge shell, a 9 mm handgun, a AK47…being shot is being shot. Everyone is going to feel the pain and be wounded regardless of the weapon used to do the wounding. 

That was the perfect way to describe it to me. It just resonated with me. It is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, sad and traumatized. These things are my right to feel as the wounded fawn. I have been shot and I have been traumatized because of it! I get it. I can't promise I won't have to remember this metaphor, sometimes on a daily basis, but now I have it to remember. Now I have something that makes sense to me about my trauma. I just have to say it again…I've been shot.

We do not have to justify our pain! 

Wounded but healing,

T.

Waiting-For-the-Other-Shoe-to-Drop-Feeling-of-Impending-Doom

It's after 2 AM and I'm not sleeping. It's not that I can't sleep, I'm pretty sure I could sleep without problem if I let myself. Why don't you let yourself then you ask? Well, the easy answer would be because I don't want to…but that's not true, I DO want to, desperately. I have let myself steep in my anxiety and fear for so long tonight that I have to process it and let it go, therefore I blog.

I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight. 

I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation. 

I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.

There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now. 

Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level.  I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.

Finding my way out of my head,

T.

My Parent's Love

This past weekend was healing and painful all at the same time. As I mentioned in my last post I was able to reach out to my parents via a letter to let them know I was struggling. Their response was to let me bring it up if I wanted to. We aren't the best family at communicating and I wish I would've gotten some sort of acknowledgement from them verbally, but they did show me with hugs and time spent with me that they were there for me.

On Saturday night when it was just my parents, my sister and I together, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. For some this would just be an accepted thing that a dad would do, but that's not how my family has ever worked. I can only remember one other time of my dad giving me a blessing and it took every ounce of courage for me to ask for it at that time. It just wasn't something that happened a lot at my house. Anyway, he immediately got up from his chair and asked if there was anything in particular I needed a blessing for and gave me a father's blessing. It was so powerful in it's simplicity. I immediately had so much peace and knew that no matter what my parents were there for me. I am crying now just thinking of how much this huge step in my relationship with my parents has meant.

I still have a long ways to go in fully opening myself up to my parents and to letting them see my struggles, but I know that no matter how long it takes there is no time limit with them. 

I had really planned to blog some more about the events of the weekend, but right now, this is all I need. I just needed to remember the love and support my parents have for me and the healing that I was able to do these last 4 days.