Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

On Forgiveness

I have so much anger lately that I knew that I needed to blog. I knelt tonight to pray and asked Heavenly Father what I needed to blog about. Forgiveness was the answer He gave me loud and clear. There was no hesitation or waiting for the answer. Forgiveness. Woo-wee! That is a subject that is hard for me to write about.

I have heard time and again that forgiveness is not about the person in need of our forgiveness but that it is for our own healing. What if the person in need of your forgiveness is yourself? I think this is where I stumble. I'm actually a pretty forgiving person, I've forgiven B. countless times and continue to work on that. When it comes down to myself though, I have a hard time forgiving. I beat myself up with past transgressions and mistakes over and over again. I remind myself of some of them frequently. I shame myself with them. I relive them. I know that isn't what He wants, it's not what I want either. I just can't always seem to find the self-love and humility to fully forgive myself, learn and move on.

This in turn feeds my feelings of failure (read about that here) which then starts the circle over again. Vicious. Dang. Circle. Mistake - Self-Reproach-Lack of Forgiveness-Shame-Feelings of Failure-Mistake.  You see how that works? Satan knows how to get me to give in and how to make me feel worthless. He taunts me with my mistakes and I allow him to.

I haven't been self-reflective enough lately to realize this lack of forgiveness I have for myself. It is something I am going to have to work on turning over to God. In the meantime I am aware of it, that's progress.

Attempting forgiveness,

T,

Blank Slate

I was lying in bed tonight thinking that I didn't want to blog tonight. I'm tired of thinking of this burden and tired of fighting this battle. That's when I decided I probably NEED to blog if I'm feeling that way. How many of us have ever wanted a redo…a blank slate with which to start over? I have…sometimes on a moment by moment basis. The thing is, we can have that. Our Savior Jesus Christ has made that possible. He sacrificed himself so that we might be able to wipe the slate clean as many times as we need to. He did that for us.

I know what you skeptics are thinking out there, oh great, another "Jesus freak" is going to preach to me. Nope, I'm not, a freak nor am I going to preach to you. I wrote that above because I'm the one that needs to hear it today. I'm the one that needs their slate wiped clean. It was a rough day at work, I didn't sleep much last night and things did not go according to plan tonight. I was grouchy and irritable and generally hard to be around. I didn't want to work tonight and felt truly overwhelmed by all the things I "needed" to get accomplished. Guess what? They are all still there and nobody was hurt, the house is still standing and they will all still be there tomorrow.

Some nights I think we need permission to take a break. Not a break from fighting for recovery, but a break from doing battle with the pressure we put on ourselves to get it all done. I think sometimes we need to take a vacation from the chores of life and just relax. Maybe that's me being selfish and giving in, but tonight I needed it. I needed to let the clean laundry stay in the basket unfolded and the junk cluttering the entryway stay there as long as it wasn't a hazard. I needed to put my pajamas on after dinner and watch some mindless t.v. Tonight I gave myself permission to take it easy and tomorrow I will tackle whatever I can get done.

Take the time to slow down. Give yourself permission to let the chores slide. Let go of the little things and take care of you.

Taking a break,

T.