Fear Has Held Me Prisoner

I had an a-ha, lightbulb moment last night, and it's one I have had several times before, but apparently a lesson I need to keep learning. Let me start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of my growth this time.

The last month I have started to get depressed. I have felt depressed before but have always been able to push through it fairly quickly. This time it was different. I haven't just "felt" depressed, I have been depressed. To me there is a subtle difference in that "feeling" depressed is just that, a feeling, and being depressed is something that feels like it is a permanent part of me. I have never felt that before now. The last two weeks it has been so bad that I haven't wanted to get out of bed and yet I have struggled to go to sleep at night, I haven't cared if my kids go to school, I haven't cooked dinner in three weeks, at least, I haven't nourished my body but have gorged on junk, there have been days that I have cried on and off all day. I have been so hopeless that I had given up, just done what had to be done and escaped through social media, books, shopping and sleep. It felt like I was in a pit of mud and that I just wanted to give up and stay there. I didn't care anymore if I got out of the mud, or if it just swallowed me whole. I have been on a medication for anxiety that also helps with depression for three or four years now and it has helped dramatically, it hasn't felt like it was helping the last 3 weeks or so though, so I talked to my doctor and asked her to increase my dose. I've been taking the increased dose for about a week now with slight improvement. I hesitate sometimes to mention that part because there is such a stigma attached to taking medication for depression and anxiety, but it's my reality and so I am owning it.

Last night as I knelt in prayer I realized how much fear I was holding on to. I have been afraid that B. won't work hard and find recovery and therefore my marriage will be over. I have been afraid that our finances will never be stable. I have let fear tell me that I am never going to be healthy and active. I have been afraid that my daughter will be unhappy as she leaves for college next fall. I have been afraid that she has been holding in her emotions and not dealing with them. I have been afraid that the world is going to chew up and spit out my tenderhearted son. I have also been afraid that he will become an addict too. I have been afraid of negative and critical comments from others. These fears have held me prisoner in my mind. They have consumed me. They have occupied so much space that I became hopeless and felt out of control.

As I knelt there I surrendered those fears as much as I was capable of. As I handed them over to Heavenly Father knowing that Christ has already suffered them for me, I felt a loosening before I even finished my prayer. It was as if there has been a band constricting my heart and as I released my fears to my Father in Heaven that band released and I could breathe and feel hope again. I know the process of surrender works. I know that holding on to fear is toxic for me and my recovery. I know that I can find peace through surrender. I haven't been practicing it and therefore I had fallen in the mire and couldn't get out. I can't ever get out on my own. I need the hand of a loving Savior to help me out. He sacrificed His life for me (and for each of you) so that I don't have to suffer these fears if I will turn them over to Him. I am grateful for a loving God who has made a plan for happiness. I wish that I didn't have to relearn things that I know and have practiced. I am grateful that I was reminded to surrender my fears last night. I feel more hope and less fear than I have felt in weeks. It's not a evangelical on fire type of miracle, but a subtle change of heart kind of miracle. It still feels like a miracle to me.

More hopeful,

T.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

On Forgiveness

I have so much anger lately that I knew that I needed to blog. I knelt tonight to pray and asked Heavenly Father what I needed to blog about. Forgiveness was the answer He gave me loud and clear. There was no hesitation or waiting for the answer. Forgiveness. Woo-wee! That is a subject that is hard for me to write about.

I have heard time and again that forgiveness is not about the person in need of our forgiveness but that it is for our own healing. What if the person in need of your forgiveness is yourself? I think this is where I stumble. I'm actually a pretty forgiving person, I've forgiven B. countless times and continue to work on that. When it comes down to myself though, I have a hard time forgiving. I beat myself up with past transgressions and mistakes over and over again. I remind myself of some of them frequently. I shame myself with them. I relive them. I know that isn't what He wants, it's not what I want either. I just can't always seem to find the self-love and humility to fully forgive myself, learn and move on.

This in turn feeds my feelings of failure (read about that here) which then starts the circle over again. Vicious. Dang. Circle. Mistake - Self-Reproach-Lack of Forgiveness-Shame-Feelings of Failure-Mistake.  You see how that works? Satan knows how to get me to give in and how to make me feel worthless. He taunts me with my mistakes and I allow him to.

I haven't been self-reflective enough lately to realize this lack of forgiveness I have for myself. It is something I am going to have to work on turning over to God. In the meantime I am aware of it, that's progress.

Attempting forgiveness,

T,

D-Day Tomorrow

I don't remember our actual D-day (disclosure day), I really honestly don't. B tells me that he came to me and told me and I'm sure he did. I just don't remember it. I've blocked it out I think because I've been looking for that memory and I can't find it. I want to remember what it was like because maybe it will prepare me in some way for tomorrow.

Tomorrow we are sitting down with our therapist and B is giving me a formal disclosure. I am having so many mixed emotions. I am nervous to have it all laid out in front of me. I am relieved to finally be getting it over with. I am anxious that I won't be able to process it all. I honestly don't expect any huge surprises as to behaviors but the context and timeframe will be new. I am really anxious for the answers to my questions. It is so much to process all at once.

I have a good plan in place for myself this weekend. I have support lined up. I have a safe place to stay. I have packed an emotional first aid kit. I have everything I think I will need (I even packed the Ambien and the Xanax just in case). I'm as prepared as I feel I can be when facing this huge unknown.

The thing that I am the most frustrated about right now is the fact that B completely disconnected from me tonight. I really wanted him to be present. Tomorrow our life will shift. It won't be the same regardless of how I react or what he tells me. We will be different. I really wanted to have tonight to be together talking about how we are feeling about tomorrow. Planning for how things will look after this weekend. Talking about Christmas and our kids. None of that happened. He withdrew. Our son had a meltdown. I got tired and frustrated. It was not a great night.

If you are the praying kind, please send one up for us. If you aren't please send whatever goodwill you can our way. We could use all the support we can get as we get through D-day and move towards our healing path.

Anxiously awaiting tomorrow,

T.