One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

Afloat

This entry might be brief because I am fighting a migraine tonight. I am feeling a bit like I am staying afloat lately, and that's about it. I don't feel stuck necessarily, but more like I'm treading water to stay up. There have been so many tender mercies from my Heavenly Father. I know he sees me. He knows me. He is aware of my struggles. He loves me.

Even with all the evidence I see of Heavenly Father around me, I am struggling with nurturing my faith and turning my will over to Him. It's not that I am unwilling, it's just that I am so weary that it feels like keeping my head above water is about all I can do. I have stronger faith now than I remember having in my life, and I know it will continue to grow as I nurture it. I feel like at this time in my recovery, He is reaching out to me. He knows how weary I am. He knows how much help I need. It is right now that He is carrying me.

I honestly didn't realize I felt that way until just now, as I typed those words out. I don't actually feel I like am just keeping myself afloat, I feel like He is sustaining me and keeping me afloat. He is helping me keep paddling. He is my life preserver that I can rest on for now.

I will have to work to not become complacent, but for now He knows I am doing the absolute best I can. My Heavenly Father loves me and has led me to rest for a season in his arms as he carries my load for me. If I allow Him, he will always carry my load, this will allow me to work on my recovery and grow.

I am truly blessed and humbled. I am loved by my Heavenly Father and He is looking out for me.

Humbly grateful,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Codependent Some More

I wasn't going to blog yet, I was trying to give myself a break to filter and process my words, so that in the heat of the moment I don't say something I regret. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt, mad, upset, all of the above…but I didn't yell and scream tonight, I didn't even cry. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, it just is right now. I finally realized that until I get some of my thoughts out, I'm not going to be able to sleep, and since I have to be up in less than three hours for work, I need at least a little sleep.

I was talking to a friend the other day about being codependent. She is reading the book Codependent No More and was telling me a little bit about it. Hello! I've often thought I was codependent, and it is really being reinforced to me now that I probably am. I am a caregiver, a saver if you will, of the downtrodden. I need to be needed…up to a point…then I need to not be needed at all anymore because it overwhelms me. Ok that sounds a little circle-ish but it's like this, I need to feel needed by others, to feel valuable to others per se…but when they start to depend on me for almost everything, or at least more than I think they should, then I don't want them to need me at all anymore, it's too overwhelming.

I found this about codependency on Wikipedia: People who are codependent often take on the role of mother hen; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone with no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

I often put others' needs before my own, when it's my children it's a given that their needs usually come first (note: needs, not wants), but I find myself doing this at work as well. I catch myself going, I'll just answer this one more instant message or email and help with this task then I'll go heat up my lunch. I need to be better at going, that question can wait for a few minutes until I get some food in my belly or use the bathroom or get some sunshine…whatever it might be that I need to do to better care for myself. Sometimes it can't be helped, others needs have to come first, but I want to become better at recognizing and prioritizing my own needs.

The second part of that statement that rang a bell with me is the last sentence, "When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty." This is how I feel more often than B, or even I, probably realizes. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and cause anyone pain. It's very difficult for me. I am working on turning that guilt over to my Heavenly Father and lifting the load from my own shoulders. 

I kind-of sound like a mess when I put it all out there like that, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict. How does that sound? It sounds like a heck of a label that I am unwilling to stick on myself. Let me start over, I'm a possibly-codependent-food-and-caffeine-addicted-wife-of-a-porn-addict Daughter of God. That's it. I am who I am and I was made in the image of my Father in Heaven. I am going to try and embrace that simple fact every single day!

Reflectively,

T.

Atonement

"And they viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created Heaven and Earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men." (Mosiah 4:2)

I let my guard down. I slipped up. I made it almost a month and a half, but I was white knuckling. I realize that I need to work harder on my recovery. I have made an appointment to see a professional councilor. I look forward to this. I am going spend time every day working in my 12 step addiction recovery book; not just reading, but taking notes, and answering the questions. I am going to talk to my Bishop. I have made a commitment to my wife to always let her know if I slip, and to never lie to her. I realize that I am powerless to beat this on my own. I am trying to let the atoning blood of Christ purify my heart. 

B.