Shrapnel Wounds

It feels like target practice and I'm the target, or rather I'm being hit by shrapnel from the direct hits to the targets nearby (which keep moving). I feel like I could withstand a little bit of shrapnel, use my tools and take care of myself, but lately it feels like it has been coming at me too fast.

Remember this post where I talked about my childhood best friend losing her husband to cancer. That seems to have been the beginning of the shrapnel. I held up pretty good and was able to recuperate. Well the next round started with me stepping down as a manger at work. This is a GOOD thing for my family and for me, but it's still a change that takes getting used to, I still feel a bit lost. I know though that, I can do hard things.

The week after that they closed our physical office and set us up at home to work full-time (it didn't happen that fast, it's just when it was finalized). So now here I am, recuperating from shrapnel wounds, feeling a little lost and without some of my fellow warriors by my side. Ok deep breaths, I had a full week off after that for some R&R. I can do hard things.

When I came back to the battle (because right now that's what it feels like), I was more rested and healed and ready to work. I was less lost and had a permanent position in the field. I was ready. Then one of my dear sweet warrior sisters lost her preemie baby. This was her first baby and she was a miracle because she was growing next to a molar pregnancy. She lived a miraculous twenty days after being born at not quite twenty-four weeks gestation. On top of that, this warrior sister has to have chemotherapy to kill the molar cells that have spread to other parts of her body. My heart is breaking, but I can handle it, I'll just keep fighting, praying and keeping in touch with her. Fresh new shrapnel wounds, but I have other brave warrior sisters who know and love our miracle baby and her mommy as much as I do…we bind each others wounds and help each other survive to fight another day.

I was able to get a weekend pass after that battle to spend some time learning and growing at The Togetherness Project (I'll share more about that in another post).  I wanted to share that with you first, but alas, my wounds are too fresh right now to talk about the healing I received in the care of this amazing organization.

As I was driving home from this healing weekend the next bomb went off, this one the closest one yet. B. acted out while I was at Togetherness. I knew it in my heart on Saturday, but he confirmed it in a phone call on Sunday while I was driving home. I asked him to, I felt like I was going to arrive back to the battlefield too late to be given the intel and have any sort of debriefing when I got there that night. It was painful and hurt a lot, but I have a lot of tools to help me recover from this kind of shrapnel.

About half an hour later I received even more shrapnel wounds, this one was a direct hit though, so really not shrapnel but a bomb. One of my fellow soldiers that has been dispersed to other camps (aka. one of my coworkers that was set up to work at home when our office closed), called with some intel. One of my really good friends and fellow soldiers was killed in a car accident. I was speechless and if you know me well, you know that's pretty much next to impossible to do. I was heartbroken. This amazing woman was made for goodness. She loved with every fiber of her being and you knew she loved you no matter what. She was easy to talk to and had a heart of gold. She had her flaws, but you didn't focus on those because she was just too genuine and loving. I'm still a bit numb, the pain comes in bursts, but I have had to try to just let it out in increments otherwise it's just too much. 

That was Sunday, just three days ago. I'm having a much more difficult time healing from these last two wounds, especially the most recent. Then last night another bomb. Another direct hit. Due to some poor financial decisions and follow-through on both mine and B's part, they started foreclosure proceedings on our home. We had started a loan modification process but it is slow going, it was supposed to put the foreclosure on hold, but we found out that the bank filed a notice of default this week. The communication with the bank has been very difficult and I'm terrified of losing my home. I'm honestly not sure that our marriage would survive that. I'm just not sure I can heal from that wound enough to trust B. again.

I have amazing leadership, warrior sisters and soldiers fighting next to me. I have been loved and encouraged and aided. Right now though, I feel a bit like swiss cheese with each hit taking another piece of me. I just want to catch a break and have some good news. Part of the problem is that my house is a disaster and I just don't have the energy or desire to do anything about it and it seems that neither does anyone else around here. It's hard to find peace amidst chaos, but I really don't have the strength to tame the chaos and I have too much shame about the condition of the house to ask for help. It's rather humiliating.

The most painful wound of all, was the realization that no matter how much I want it, no matter how much he wants to provide it, B. just isn't capable of providing the support I need to recuperate from my wounds right now. Especially not the ones he inflicted. I want his support and he wants to support me, he just isn't capable of it right now. It's very hard to heal from a wound that just keeps getting reopened. 

I am going to go switch my fatigues to the dryer so I can put on the battle wear again tomorrow and try and heal and continue fighting. I will win this battle and heal from these wounds, but not without scars. I am learning though, that our scars make us stronger and are part of our story. 

Battle weary and wounded,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Breakthrough

I have been sober for about a month now. I have been feeling very good about my recovery. This weekend I was tempted more than I have since I started this round of recovery. I didn't act on the temptation but I think it was a wakeup call. This is going to be a much tougher battle to fight than I realized. Although I am more determined to win than I have ever been, this round is following the same pattern as previous ones. I realized this weekend that I am "white knuckling." At some point the urges will get the better of me and I will fail. 

I will fail unless I take the necessary steps for recovery. I have been attending the 12 steps meetings at least once a week. I have been trying to go twice a week. This has been a great help to me. They have helped me to see that I am not alone. That I can open up and share with other people, to overcome the shame. But this is just not enough. The addiction is too deep. 

I said that I have been sober for almost a month. This is partially true. I have been sober from indulging in pornography, masturbation, and even lustful fantasies. This is a huge step for me. This is great progress.  However, these addictions are only symptoms of the real addiction. The addiction that I struggle with is Lust. Jesus said "…whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). I already said that I have been able to keep my thoughts clear of lustful fantasies. This is true but I still lust after women. Through my recovery reading I have discovered that it is common for men with this addiction to judge a woman based on his perception of her as a sexual partner. I am guilty of this. This is why I can't say that I have been completely sober. It may be at the grocery store, when I am driving down the road, or even at church, I will see a woman and lust in this way. It is hardest when I see a woman that is immodestly dressed. I have always hoped that other people don't notice me staring. The shame however isn't usually strong enough to keep me from looking. 

The usual pattern of my rounds of recovery starts with this lust.  It then progresses to lustful fantasies which lead to indulging in pornography and masterbation. Then I have to lie to my wife to cover it up. Eventually I feel so guilty that I confess to my wife, or she catches me (which is usually the case). Then I begin the recovery process over again. How can I break this vicious cycle? I need help, professional help. I have made the decision to go back to a pornography addiction recovery specialist that I have seen in the past. I didn't like him before. I didn't like him because he was making me confront the things that I needed to. I was too afraid, too ashamed. This specialist is also involved with LifeStar. I have decided that my wife and I both need to go through the program. I have always worried about the financial cost of LifeStar. I have used this as an excuse not to go. While this is a valid excuse, the real reason is because I am so afraid of opening up, of sharing myself, of finding out the root causes of my addiction. I now realize that the financial cost is very little compared to the emotional, spiritual, and even physical costs this addiction has inflicted on me and my family. 

For anyone struggling with this addiction, I recommend getting professional help. I have heard that LifeStar is a great program. I researched the cost this morning. It really isn't that much when you take into account what you get from the program. We can find the money. It may mean selling some of our worldly possessions, but we can find the money.

I am grateful for my wife who has had the patience to wait for me to get to this point. I know it hasn't been easy for her. We have had many disagreements about getting the professional help that I need. We have had a rough time. We haven't been very happy together. But she has stayed with me. I know I haven't deserved this. I look forward to recovery. I look forward to becoming a happy couple. I look forward to helping our children to avoid this horrible affliction. I look forward to the redeeming love of my Savior Jesus Christ.

B.