One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Just Be You, Flaws and All

I have to tell you that our Heavenly Father knows me. He is aware of my needs and blesses me often. I know this because of many witnesses in my life. One of the ways this is witnessed to me is through the people He has placed in my life. I am truly blessed with amazing friends and family that love me.

One of the most amazing women that He has placed in my life is H. Now, H. and I met at a book club we both belonged to over 10 years ago. We didn't know each other super well until she was pregnant with her last child. Heavenly Father prompted me to start calling her at least once a week and checking on her. It was through these phone calls that I came to know and love her. She is truly a gift to me. She has seen me at my very worst and she still loves me unconditionally. She loves me enough to laugh with me, cry with me, make fun of me when I fart in public, and most of all just be there for me when I have needed her.

I often feel like it is a very lopsided friendship. I feel like she gives me so much more than I ever give her. I am so grateful to her for her love and acceptance. She is truly one of the best people I have ever met. (Crap! I'm tearing up just writing about her. She is THAT important to me). I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

I have been meaning to write this post for a couple of weeks, because she shared with me a thought that really touched something deep inside of me. If you have read my last post you might be able to see why.

We were talking about being honest with our kids and open in talking with them. She recently found out some information that was hard to hear about her niece. She didn't try to hide it from her kids, she was open and honest and let them ask any questions they needed to. I so admire this openness, and it is something I am striving for with my own kids. I told her how much I admired this about her and how awesome I think she is for talking about hard things with her kids. She told me that she didn't get that awesome by luck, but by swimming through a sea of crap first (which is true, she has, but I forget those parts of her story because they aren't what defines her).  I reitereated to her how awesome she is, her reply was what I found so profound.

"...I'm also average in many ways and sub par in others and I accept that and try to be my best amazing/average self. I don't dwll on my failings anymore, but I also try not to deny them. They're all part of me and it's how I handle my weaknesses that matters - not that I have them."

See? Profound right? She is also kind, wise, beautiful inside and out and funny. She truly shines on the inside and out. She is also humble.

I would love to be able to have her perspective. To be able to see and acknowledge my flaws without letting them define me. I don't see her flaws, or if I do they don't really stand out to me the way her good qualities do. I want to learn to be like she is, confident yet always growing.

Heavenly Father truly IS aware of me and I am so grateful for this fact.

Broken and flawed but blessed none-the-less,

T.

Stepping Into The Light

Owning my story and stepping out into the light is something that has taken me years to do. I always wanted to keep it secret. I didn't want people to judge me or my husband. We aren't bad people. When first disclosed to me almost seventeen years ago, I was ashamed. The other thing about his first disclosure is that I don't remember it. I'm pretty sure I have repressed that memory. I have been looking for it lately and I honestly cannot find it. I don't remember ANYTHING about B's first disclosure to me. That doesn't mean I don't remember the FEELINGS around it, those I do remember. I was hurt, mad and ashamed mostly. I also didn't realize what a powerful hold this addiction had on him.

I do remember later discoveries and disclosures and how each one left me a little more broken. I hid all of that completely (as well as I could anyway), because of my feelings of shame and embarrassment, for twelve very lonely years. I then told one person and we still didn't talk about it much, but it did allow me to be there for her when she found pornography in her computer history (to this day she is one of my most staunch supporters and I would be lost without her most of the time). I told a couple of people over the next few years, including my sister who is my best friend. I still felt lost and alone because I still didn't really want to talk about it. I numbed my feelings of hurt and shame with food, books (including literary porn but that's another story) and being as busy as I could be. Until a few months ago I kept thinking that if he would just stop I would be fine. The first time I heard the term Betrayal Trauma I thought, NO FREAKING WAY do I have that. Was I ever wrong (again another story…boy am I being squirreled today).

Starting a few months ago, I started stepping into the light by owning my story and sharing it as I felt impressed to do so. Overall, people have been amazingly supportive. I honestly thought people would judge me and that I would be criticized. I should have known better. I have chosen to surround myself with amazing people most of my adult life. I should have known that I would have an army of supporters when I needed it. It has been a really long time since I have felt so much love and compassion. I'm not sure I have ever let myself ever be this authentic. Why not? I was afraid of people not liking me if they knew who I really was inside.

Over Thanksgiving weekend I disclosed to a very longtime friend. She was shocked that I hadn't told her before now. I assured her that until recently I hadn't really shared with anyone. What hit me the most out of the entire conversation? That she wished I had told her sooner. Her only regret was that she hadn't been able to be there to support me all these years. I wish I had told some of my closest friends sooner. I wish I had sought out that unconditional love and support that I have received since disclosing to them.

In LifeStar the other night, one of my new friends said she has not told anyone. She doesn't want anyone to think less of her husband for this because he is an amazing man. She wanted to know if that was bad. I told her absolutely not! She's in LifeStar, she's talking to a therapist, that is part of owning her story and for her that may be enough. Everyone's story is different. Stepping into the light looks different for everyone. For a lot people, owning their story and stepping into the light may not mean that everyone around them has to know. It may not mean that anyone around them has to know. The one thing I have learned is that I personally NEED to share in order to heal. That is what owning my story and stepping into the light means for me. That doesn't mean that it is the right thing for someone else. Obviously, I am still not ready to completely come out to everyone, this blog is "anonymous" after all. I  have shared it with others as I have felt impressed to do so. I am no longer afraid of what people will think of me, because this is who I am. I still have a lot of days that I don't love who I am, but I am slowly learning that I am worth loving and I'll take that journey over the stagnation any day.

If I could tell anyone out there who has a loved one (doesn't have to be a spouse, could be a brother, sister, child, parent, whoever) that is suffering through a sex addiction anything, it would be this…find support, reach out to someone, know that you aren't alone. This does not have to own you because you are more than this addiction and trauma. There is an amazing amount of help and support out there. If you don't know where to go, reach out to me through the comments or email (awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com). I also have a tab at the top with some resources listed. Most of all just know that this addiction doesn't make your loved one a bad person and you are not weak or less than because you love them and have stood by them. You are strong, you are not alone and most of all, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Stepping into the light,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Disclosure

I had my surgery yesterday and everything went well. I am tired and sore but I really feel much better than I expected to. My whole goal for the first few days after surgery was to rest, catch up on my DVR, read the book I treated myself to and enjoy some down time. Funny how sometimes HE has other plans for us, because all I've been able to think about today is working on recovery. I don't have much stamina, but while I've been reading and vegging out in front of the TV, I've been restless and itchy to work on recovery. This morning I was reading an Instagram post from @thelightkeepers about how when she was in crisis after finding out that her husband wasn't truly in recovery her dad flew out and took care of her and loved her and cried with her. All I could think was that some days I wish my daddy would be able to do that so unconditionally. I don't think I will ever be able to disclose this to my parents, they love me very much, but they already feel the need to meddle in our marriage, they wouldn't understand this. It breaks my heart, but my already strained marriage doesn't need any additional judgement heaped on it. 

It is very interesting to me that this is coming up this week. B and I have talked a bit lately about who and when we will disclose this to, and who we never plan to disclose it to. I also talked with my counselor this week a little about disclosure. This is obviously something that is important to me right now. B has said that he trusts me in who and when I disclose things to, and I'm glad because I have needed the love and support of those close to me and have been able to get that by sharing this with them. I am so constantly amazed by the love and support shown to us. In most cases the judgement I thought would inevitably come, hasn't. I have had so many of my friends reach out and say, we love you we are here for you, your forthrightness and honesty is amazing. I don't feel amazing, I feel amazed. I am constantly amazed at the people that my Heavenly Father has chosen to place around me. I'm having a hard time writing through my tears right now as I think of all the amazing and wonderful people in my life. It has been so uplifting to me to feel the love and support of those around me.

As we continue to work through our recovery, both individually and together, I know we will give more disclosures and that we will share them with more people. I hope that by sharing our story, others will feel more free to share theirs. I also hope that I can be the support to others that I have felt myself surrounded by. There may be numerous posts from me for the next couple of weeks as I will be off work and spending a lot of time on my recovery. I am so thankful for the outlet I have in writing this blog and for the respect we have been shown in the cyber community. 

Recovering emotionally while I recover physically,

T.

Roller Coaster Emotions

This last week has been very up and down for me emotionally. I have wanted to blog for days now, but have been so exhausted emotionally and physically that I just haven't been able to compose a coherent sentence at the end of the day, which is when I have the time available to blog. I decided early today that I would make sharing my thoughts a priority tonight.

I started seeing a new counselor this week. I wanted to find one that specialized in recovery from sexual addiction and spousal support. It seems I have found a great one. I know she sees the whole spectrum of emotions and stages of recovery come through her office, but I couldn't help but think when I got there and burst in to tears about ten seconds after introducing myself, "She is going to think I am an emotional basket case". Let's face it some days I am. The only thing I felt when I left was that this was where I am supposed to be. I know all counselors are supposed to maintain a judgement free attitude, I have seen enough of them to know that isn't always how it comes across, but I felt like I was in a completely judgment free zone during the time we spent together. This visit was timed perfectly. You see, right before I left work to head to my appointment, I had a particularly ugly phone call with a coworker that hit me pretty hard. Thus the tears the moment I entered the office. It was a while before I actually got to the point in the visit where I shared the main reason I was there. Recovery. This first visit was more about getting to know each other a bit and me being able to share my story, but I left there with a book to read and more hope than I have had in a really long time. 

I took a pretty big emotional hit when I found out early last week that my childhood best friend was going through a crisis with her husband's health. I was devastated not to be able to be with her. We live about four hours apart these days, and I just couldn't leave to go see them. My heart is aching for her and her family. Her husband is fighting tooth and nail for his life and he is one heck of a fighter. That then led to feelings of guilt because my husband is here and "healthy" and I am struggling so much. I quickly cycled out of that thinking for a few reasons: a - my husband only appears healthy, he is actually fighting his own battle, b - I can't compare my trials with anyone else's, this is my burden to bear and I am learning and growing from it, c - I know I wouldn't wish this one anyone, especially my close friend, and she wouldn't wish her trial on me. I'm such a caregiver by nature (sometimes too much so) that I want to be there for her just to hug her and let her know she is loved. I have had to settle for sending her texts and loving her from here. She hasn't been far from my thoughts all week.

I am so truly blessed with amazing friends. I made time to go to lunch with two of my friends on Saturday and enjoy some much needed 'me time'. I am always amazed by how much support these two amazing women give me, no matter how silly or stupid I act, they still love me. We started working together on the same day over three years ago, we are all in different departments now, but it just doesn't matter, we are still bonded. We are different ages, religions, marital statuses, from different parts of the country, different stages of health and fitness…but none of that matters, it just doesn't. These strong women have been my support network and my go-to-girls for everything from sharing a laugh, a tear, a frustration and a peaceful moment. They really are my life-line a lot of days.

While none of this even touches on the issues in my marriage, well with the exception of my new counselor, it is still relevant. Why? Because it all makes up parts of my mental and spiritual well being. While riding the emotional roller coaster of my life, every one of these events has an impact on which way I go. I have a support system that I have created and I have used it this week. As I travel this path, I hope to pick up light from this support network and to then be able to share it with others. 

Feeling Accepted

One of hardest struggles I have faced in my life is feeling accepted. I have always been somewhat socially awkward. Growing up I had very few friends. As I grew into my teens the few friends that I had began to tease me. I was also bullied by other kids at school. My sixth grade year was especially rough. I have carried this burden into adulthood. I still have very few friends. In fact I really don't have any friends other than the couple friends that have formed through my wife's friendships. I really don't have a lot in common with any of them. To make matters worse, I was fired from a job several years ago. To this day I still don't know exactly why I was fired. They told me they needed to lay someone off, but when I asked if I was being laid off, they told me I was being terminated. The reasons they gave were weak. I had been given a performance evaluation 3 months prior to this, and they told me I was doing a fantastic job. I had been given no indication since that time that there was anything wrong. This was a huge blow to my self confidence. I haven't felt completely safe in a work environment since that time.

I realized this weekend that throughout my life I have turned to my addiction to self medicate to try to alleviate the feelings of rejection. I look at porn and fantasize that some beautiful woman wants me, to help myself feel accepted. Of course that feeling only lasts as long as the fantasy. When it is over I feel even worse. I feel like I am some sex crazed creep. I think that if people knew the real me they would be disgusted. So again the wall goes up, making it very hard to make friends. It is a vicious cycle. I need to get out of this cycle. I don't really know how. My counselor tells me I need to find male friends to help support me for my recovery. That is very difficult when I have these walls.

Yesterday there were a couple times when I felt my wife was rejecting me. in both instances I realized that these feelings came from my own selfishness. I hate feeling hurt when I know I shouldn't.

I am discouraged. My wife an I had an argument last night. It seems we both are having a difficult time trying to figure out our individual recoveries. She has always been an enabler. She is trying to focus on her recovery, and tells me she has nothing to give me. I know that I can't blame her for any of my addiction, but I really would like her help. I love her, and want to make things work. We both seem to deal with our challenges by hurting each other. I'm hoping that as we continue to work, that things will get better. We are scheduled to start LifeStar at the end of October. I am looking forward to this. I really hope that it will help us learn who we are as individuals and as a couple.

B.