One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

I Was Wrong, Honesty Isn't Enough

I really, truly, HATE to be wrong, but I am admitting right here in black and white that I was wrong. I have frequently told B. that I need honesty ALL.THE.TIME. I am NOT wrong about that I DO NEED honestly all the time. I had told him that we could work through this as long as he was honest. I'm just not sure that is true anymore. I don't know if I continue to "work through" this trial, if the honesty doesn't also come with humility and accountability. I also know that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over whether I receive any of those things. 

My current mood has also shed some light on where I am personally...not in a good place. I have slid backwards and returned back to being angry all the time. I don't like angry me. In fact, I pretty much LOATHE angry me. She is not someone I want to be around, let alone someone I want to be. Regardless of not liking angry me, I have invited her back in. It wasn't a direct invitation as much as it was an invitation by omission. Omission of active recovery work. Omission of church attendance (I have a valid excuse, but I could've found a way to attend most of the time). Omission of reaching out. Omission of heartfelt prayer. Omission of self-care. I allowed angry me into the pity party and I am the only one that can un-invite her. 

I guess I need to back up a bit and tell you why I had all these forehead smacking moments tonight. Well, they haven't just been tonight, they have been in the back of my head niggling, tapping, pounding, and finally breaking their way through. The trigger itself is probably a microscopic gnat that I allowed to become a macroscopic bird of prey, but tonight it FEELS like a bird of prey. It is preying on my peace and that's unacceptable to me.

Our daughter is home from college this weekend (she is studying culinary arts), and decided to make us dinner. It was a delicious dinner and after a couple of crazy busy weeks and a jam packed weekend so far, she was exhausted. It all just hit her at once. She asked me to clean up dinner and put the leftovers away. I begrudgingly agreed (I hate cleaning up anything, it's one of my major shame points). While cleaning up I asked B. to help me. He asked what needed to be done, when I told him, he told me that he thought we could do it tomorrow. I told him that the food needed to be put away and some dishes needed to be rinsed tonight not tomorrow. He was laying on the couch watching a show on Netflix with headphones on. He looked at me and said, "I don't want to do it." I looked back and said, "None of us WANT to do it." That was the end of the discussion as far as he was concerned and he went back to watching his show.  He knew I was upset, the whole block could probably feel the anger and resentment radiating from me.

Shortly after that we all went to get ready for bed. He climbed in the bed and closed his eyes to go to sleep. Not one word to me about not helping me. In fact he acted (as he often does) as if I wasn't angry and resentful and said some sort of off the cuff goodnight. I told him that I needed to come out and journal because I was too angry to talk to him about how I was feeling. He said "Sorry", in a tone of voice that clearly implied that he was only sorry that I was angry, not that he was sorry for his actions or behaviors. When I asked him why he thought being honest about his feelings was enough, he replied something to the effect that I had told him I need him to be honest and that he could've made up some lame excuse but he didn't he was honest. I told him I do need him to be honest, but that it isn't enough to just be honest. His response was something along the lines of him being "in trouble" either way. He's right, I am upset, but I can guarantee that I would've seen through any excuse and been more upset if he had tried to lie to me. 

This is where I have to admit, my thoughts need  revision. I need more than honesty. I cannot accept anything less than honesty, our relationship is doomed otherwise. I do however, need that honesty to be accompanied by humility and accountability. I need to see that he is willing to and wants to change. He doesn't. He has told me point blank that he has no desire to work on his recovery right now. That is evident every single day.

I have to decide how I am going to react to that. I have to decide that angry and resentful T. can't be around here, she isn't invited to the party. I have to decide to do the things that help me heal. I have to hold my boundaries. I have to disconnect in a healthy way. I have to own that I need help to improve. 

I have been feeling a lot of things lately. Grief and anger being two of the most prominent. The grief is something that I have carried for years. The anger is something that I have carried for years but that I have worked hard to let go of in the past. I have been able to get healthier and work through some of that anger. I have been able to dig beneath that layer and see what is really driving it. Lately I haven't even had the desire to dig down. I hurt too much to want to take off that protective layer of anger and resentment. I have to let that mask go, I have to feel again. I can't numb with food and anger, it's my emotional kryptonite if I do. I am accountable for that. I have to change it. 

Here's me taking a step back. Admitting I was wrong. Shame busting and truth telling. Owning my story for myself and my healing. I am not sure I'm up to facing this, but I have to be. I have to face this and work on what I need to move forward. I am in charge of me.

Humbly eating my slice of pie,

T.

Daring Greatly...A Textbook for Life

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. I have homework and reading. I have notebooks, art projects, highlighters, pencils and discussions. There have been times in my recovery that this has all felt like too much for me. Too much time and energy spent on recovery. Too much knowledge and new patterns that I'm trying to fit in my head, heart and life. There have been times when I have had to take a break. I'm just coming off one of those "breaks" and getting my recovery back on track.

I have thought and prayed long and hard about whether a break is necessary or even good for me in recovery. I have come to the conclusion that it depends. It depends on what I'm taking  break from. Some of my recovery behaviors have to be innate and included everyday, otherwise I slip back into old patterns and behaviors. I can however take a break from reading, eating, breathing, and sleeping nothing but recovery.

I'm not advocating that this works for everyone, but it works for me. There are times that I have to let what I have learned settle in and become incorporated in my life. I have to figure out what my "new norm" looks like. What works for me and what doesn't. Then I can start to learn and grow more. That's not right, or not how I see it. I am always learning and growing, it's just sometimes I voraciously want more knowledge and sometimes I have to let the new knowledge I have gained help me to grow. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it's how I see things in my own life.

This last break was a little too long and I let too many of my everyday recovery behaviors slip. I fell back into some of my own habits of enabling and letting my anger control me. No where near the degree as before, but not where I want to be either. I am glad to be back on track and getting those behaviors back in my daily life.

This month for my book club we are reading a book I suggested and have wanted to read for a good while, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  Since I am leading the discussion, I need to make sure I get it read. I sat down today and started it. I'm in love! I mean I already loved what I have seen and read from Brene Brown, but I am even more in love. If you have never heard her speak or read anything by her, I have linked to her Tedx talk in this post. Watch it! You'll be glad you did.

The things I am learning are life changing. Well ok, life affirming. I am learning the importance of and the way to be vulnerable and fight shame. These two things are vital to recovery.  They are skill that if everyone had, we would have so much more open communication and so much less criticism and blame.

This post is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with Brene Brown or Daring Greatly. I just wanted to share something that was helping me be a better me.

A little more vulnerably,

T.

Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

Anger Is A Girl's Best Friend

I am angry today…frankly I've been angry all week. There are some HUGE things going on in my life right now (outside of the addiction and trauma)…at least they feel HUGE to me. I really have no emotional reserve right now and I have been snappy and peevish all week. I hate that I am so angry and that I have slipped back into that pattern. I need to find some healing again and use my tools to let go of the anger.  I can't change B, all I can change is me.  Sound like I'm trying to say it so I can make myself believe it? I am a little bit. I just want to shake B and say "Wake the hell up and SEE me!" I know it won't do any good, especially with the swear word thrown in there…but it's what I want to do at the current moment.

I really want to be SEEN, HEARD and CARED FOR. I really want to not have to carry this load alone. B texted me on Thursday and told me that he wants to be there for me through this and that's all I've ever wanted, for him to be present and help me through trials. I have been the one taking care of everyone for so long, I don't know how NOT to do that. I try to give him more of the load, but he drops it so often that I end up picking it up anyway. Most of the time it's easier to just carry it myself, but that turns me into a rescuer and leaves me feeling resentful and used.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to get a few thoughts down.

Wishing I wasn't so angry,

T.

A Week of Up and Down

I have a lot to say today because I have been putting off blogging as it has been a crazy week, and I wanted to do some reflection before I wrote it out. I am not sure if it will end up being one post or more, so buckle in while it pours itself out.

This week I got an email from one of my virtual support friends. In it she asked me a question that I had to really think about. She asked about how I feel about my relationship with B? Wow, I guess I don't really talk about that much here, but when we check in every night I try to honestly evaluate that. The answer varies but all-in-all underlying it is two main emotions, resignation and acceptance. Those might not sound like very affirming emotions, but to me they are. I have reluctantly accepted that this is the course our relationship has to take right now and I have accepted that whatever happens it is in Heavenly Father's hands. I am reluctant to hope for healing right now because it hurts so much each time that hope is squashed. I am reluctant to give my whole heart to B until he has shown he can take care of it. I have accepted that B knows what I need to continue working on healing our marriage and that it is up to him to either work on those or not.  I have accepted that I too have flaws and am actively working on those. I have accepted that this process is time consuming, hard and long and that the timing is not up to me entirely (the only part I have control over is how actively I work my own recovery). I have accepted that I need to work my own recovery and healing and that my relationship will never be able to heal if I don't do those things. I have been reluctant to turn my fears about my marriage over to God but I have accepted that as I have done so, I have had peace. So for now, I am reluctantly accepting that we are on this journey and it is a process that is ever changing and evolving as we both learn and grow.

The next part I have to preface with a little bit of my own personal history. I was truly blessed to be able to live my entire life, until I got married, in the same house. What this meant was that because my family, and others like us, chose to stay grounded in one home I have friends that I don't remember meeting, we have literally been friends our entire lives. We firmly believe that before we came to Earth we were bound together in Heaven. I don't know what I would've done without these friends. One of these dear friend's husband has been valiantly and with all his might, fighting cancer for about the last five years. I found out from her sister on Tuesday that he was back in the hospital and that they were having to make some hard decisions because there are no more treatment options available. Ultimately they decided that he would come home and they would do what they could to keep him comfortable. She is only forty years old and he a few years older! Nobody should have to make those excruciating decisions at such a young age (or ever)! Wednesday I was aching so much for my friend. All I wanted was to be able to do something to help ease her pain. Part of the problem is that we are now more than four hours apart and so it wasn't physically feasible for me to be there. I have arranged what I could through others, I have reached out through text and phone to let her know I'm thinking about her. I have prayed for both her and her husband. But what I really needed Wednesday was to be held and allowed to cry and grieve for my friend and for the heartache I am feeling for her and for my own feelings of helplessness at easing her burden. I needed that from B. I needed him to be able to sit with me in my pain and hold me and be strong for me. He couldn't because he chose to act out twice on Wednesday. It hurt so much more knowing that I literally had nobody to hold me, nobody to comfort me physically at least. After a good long cry and some fervent prayer, I felt held and comforted by my Father in Heaven. His love was evident to me that night.

While I still find myself spilling tears around this event, I have found so much peace this week and it has been so healing. I still cry off and on for my friend, my heart is just aching for her and her little family. I am crying for all the times that I have had to be strong for myself and my family, because I had nobody else to turn to. I cry because the pain of the betrayal of all the things we have lost to this damn addiction make my grief come in waves. Sometimes I just cry because it feels good to let that pain go. For so many years I have not let myself feel the pain and it really feels good to be able to let it go (and I'm really sorry if you are singing that silly song from Frozen in your head now). This whole process is painful, but I know on the other side I will come out stronger for it.

All of that grief and sadness aside, there was one positive in the whole thing, I saw tangible evidence of recovery from B. He DID act out twice on Wednesday, and I DID take it personally as his choice of his addiction over me (I'll get to that in a minute), BUT he TOOK ACCOUNTABILITY for it! When I came home and he knew I needed comfort and to be held, before he reached out and gave me that he told me about his acting out. He knew it would hurt me and that I would be upset, but he also knew that if he allowed himself to provide me the comfort that I needed physically and emotionally and THEN told me or let me find out the truth, that I would feel so much more betrayed. He was 100% right. If i had found out after the fact that he allowed himself to act the part of a supportive husband all while withholding the truth from me, I would feel so much more betrayed. It is painful that he chose to act out and therefore was not a safe person to share my grief with. I will not however, fault him for telling me, that is progress and that is what I need to see.

Here's where I tell you about me taking his slip as a personal affront and about my LifeStar group calling me on my shit in a loving and compassionate way. What I said was "It just hurts so much that he chose his addiction over me." One of my group members asked our leader if sex addiction was the same as drug addiction and sometimes just not within your control. She was going to let it slide that night as I was so upset, but I'm glad she didn't. She reinforced gently the things I already know but had chosen to ignore at that particular moment. Logically I know that he got to a point (after not actively working recovery for a few weeks and not reaching out and using his tools) where acting out was pretty much inevitable. He was too far overcome by his addiction to find his way out at that moment. I know his brain is broken and that he was in addict mode with no way out that he could find at that particular moment. That in no way excuses his actions. He is still responsible ultimately, because he chose to not actively work on his recovery and to not reach out. He chose to not use his tools. But that choice was made weeks before that day. He still chose not to fight, but it wasn't that day that the choice was made. I love having people in my life that can safely call me on my shit and help me pull myself out of victim mode. It really is an amazing warrior community that I am surrounded by!

I have more to tell you, but no time to tell it right now. In my next post I will try to remember to tell you about enforcing my boundaries and B's birthday this week.

Accepting with resignation,

T.

Check-In

For a while now we have been doing a nightly (or near nightly) check-in to see where we are and what our days have been like. We have tried using the AEIOU check-in that Rhyll Crowshaw suggests in her book and adding the S for spirituality as suggested by Harriet at AWife Redeeemed.  (If you click on the link attached to "adding the S for spirituality, Harriet explains it well). It didn't work as well as we wanted it to, so we tried another acronym that we found somewhere (sorry I can't remember where it came from). That wasn't great either. We liked pieces of both of them but neither seemed to be exactly what we were looking for. Lately we have been just using a basic list in our head to check-in with but it still wasn't getting to the meat of things the way I wanted it to.

This is what I came up with tonight. It worked better than the others for us while incorporating pieces of each of them. Check-in tonight was heavy but I felt like we started to get some real communication going. It will probably need some changes but seems to work for now. 

REASSESR

Recovery-

What did I do for recovery today? Did I have any slips?

Emotions -

What emotions did I feel today? How did I handle them?

Affirmation -

What is something I appreciate about my spouse today?

Service/Others-

What service did I perform today? What did I do for others?

Self-Care-

What did I do to take care of myself today?

Exercise/Physically-

What exercise did I get today? How do I feel physically?

Spiritually-

Did I feel The Spirit today? What did I do to increase my spirituality today? What do I need to do to feel it if I haven’t?

Relationally/Sexually-

How am I feeling about our relationship? How am I feeling sexually?

What do you think? Do you have a check-in that you use that works well. Do you check-in? I'd love thoughts and feed back.

Realizations: Part 1

I have had a few lightbulb moments lately and I want to share a couple small ones with you.

The first realization hit me last weekend. It was like a totally "aha" moment. I realized that my healing is further along than I thought (at least for the present moment). I was thinking about the last time I had a full-on panic attack and realized it was the day after disclosure almost a month before and it only lasted about thirty seconds or so before I was able to calm myself. I don't remember the last time before that. You don't realize how HUGE that is for me. It's monumental. I have been having panic attacks for the last four years, seemingly out of nowhere (although since I am now learning about Betrayal Trauma I realize where they come from). These would sometimes happen a couple of times a day. It has been awful…especially since I used to be a pretty laid back person. It was such a relief to realize that I am able to better control my reactions. 

Last Saturday B decided to take a nap for half an hour. He said he would set his alarm and get up. Well, I heard his alarm go off and he turned it off and went back to sleep. When he finally got up two and half hours later, he said, "You should've gotten me up sooner." My only response was, "Not my job, you're a grown up." While that may seem like a perfectly normal response in a healthy relationship, it was not a normal response for me. The pre-recovery work me would've bugged and nagged him to get up. Then when he didn't I would've done the work I had planned to do but would've made as much noise slamming doors and stomping around as I could. Saturday, I didn't. I wasn't walking around on tip toes but I wasn't stomping either. I just went about doing what I had planned and figured he'd get up when he was ready. I didn't own his oversleeping and I didn't get into drama because of it. It was absolutely fan-freaking-tastic to feel so in control of how I reacted. (That doesn't mean that I was ok with his behavior, I did disconnect emotionally but in a way that said, I'm not okay with that behavior but I will not own it)

I can't tell you how absolutely empowering it is to feel like I'm in control of how I react. It feels like I have been set free from a monstrous burden that I was carrying and felt so out of control of. I absolutely love it! It's signs of progress for me and I will take any sign I can find that I am starting to heal!

A little lighter,

T.

Rescuing vs. Compassion/Empathy

One of the things we learned about in Phase I of LifeStar is the Drama Triangle. If you don't know what that is you can learn more here. Basically it talks about how when we enter drama or conflict we often assume a certain role most often or have a couple we switch back and forth between. The three rolls are victim, rescuer and persecutor. Hands down I am a rescuer. I have actually known that about myself for a very long time. What I struggle with the most is how to break out of that. How do I not be a rescuer? Where is the balance between rescuing someone (especially B) and having compassion on them. I am sincerely struggling with this.

I have really tried to recognize lately when we are in drama and do my best to walk away from it. I am not always successful. I have slipped into both persecutor and victim roles easily lately and I think it's partly in an effort to stay out of the role of rescuer. I am just really struggling to find the balance between being compassionate while holding B accountable and rescuing him. I have most often been the one to step in and rescue him by being the first to make an attempt to make up. Usually through a physical gesture or sexual overture. I often will be the one who takes care of a lot of the responsibilities to keep the family running. I was always so hungry for peace and connection that I rushed in to achieve that in any way possible. I have stopped doing that.

I have asked B repeatedly for what I need right now to feel safe and start to trust. He can't say that he doesn't know, yet he maintains that he isn't giving me those things because I am just so angry all the time. We are back to the chicken and the egg dilemma. How do we separate the chicken and the egg and get out of this cycle?

I could go back to always being the first to apologize and reach out in a physical display of affection. The problem with that is that I don't feel safe, loved or cherished and I have no desire to keep sharing myself physically when I feel so unimportant to B. I really want him to stop giving me half hearted apologies and show me that he loves and appreciates me and that he is committed to recovery.  Until that happens I don't see myself being willing to take down any walls.

B feels like because I am trying to get out of the role of rescuer that I have stepped in to the role of persecutor and that I am nothing but angry all the time. That may be true. I am frequently angry, but even I can see that is covering up the hurt underneath. Because B feels that I have been giving him nothing but anger, I tried being vulnerable last night. I tried sharing some of the pain I was feeling and a realization that hit me yesterday. He listened and I felt like he was digesting it and working through it, but today I feel like that never happened. He keeps telling me that he knows this is really hard on me and that he understand my hurt, but he isn't making any strong work to help lift that burden at all. I tried to share that burden last night and it seemed like he helped carry it then, but I'm left holding it all again today. I'm exhausted from carrying the burden. I need a partner. I need a helpmeet. I need a husband who loves and cherishes me to help me carry the load. Right now, I don't have that.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how I can show B compassion without rescuing him I would love to hear them. I'm am emotionally and physically wrung out and I don't know how to move forward.

Former rescuer seeking compassion,

T.

It's A New Year

Happy New Year to y'all. Well, it's a new year at any rate. I am hoping that this coming year brings more happiness than the last one has, because I am ready for it. It seems that the moments of true joy and happiness are so fleeting that I struggle to remember them in between.

I have really been struggling since disclosure. I didn't think it was going to impact me the way it has. Actually, that's not true, I DID expect it to impact me a great deal, but I also had high expectations that after disclosure B would really start working hard on recovery. If I was being completely honest, I would say I have really taken a few steps back in my recovery because of the combination of disclosure and my own lack of diligence in working my recovery. I can own that I haven't been very diligent in my recovery work and it has helped to impede my progress.

Right now my heart is aching, truly physically aching. I really, sincerely believed that once disclosure was over things would be different. B would feel lighter because he wasn't holding things back or hiding them anymore. I would feel more determined to work on my recovery because this is where I could start working on healing our relationship. Neither of those things has happened. Neither one of us has really actively been working recovery. Neither one of us wants to reach out to the other.

After disclosure I put my walls partially back up. It didn't hurt as bad at first as I anticipated it would and I even wanted to be held and comforted by B. I think he took that to mean that it was going to be as bad as it got. I tried to break it to him that it was probably going to hit me later and that the hardest was probably still yet to come. Apparently either he didn't think that was the case or I didn't clearly communicate that, because he truly didn't think it was going to get worse. When it did get worse and I had an entire week where I cried pretty much all the time and just wanted him to be the strong one and take care of me, it didn't happen. He made it about him and how hurt he was by my pain and anger. How it made him feel shame when I got angry about things that have happened and how much recovery it costing us in time and money. That's when the walls went all the way back up and haven't come down.

Maybe part of me was trying to punish him, make him feel some of the pain that I am feeling. In all honesty, I don't want to intentionally hurt or shame him. I honestly don't want to cause him hurt, but by hiding the pain from everyone for so many years I haven't let myself feel it. It's going to take time and work, and a lot of it, to be able to heal and feel safety and trust again. I am committed to working on my own recovery, but our recovery as a couple is on hold for now until I see the actions that will help me to feel safe and start to rebuild trust.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that B is not committed to working his recovery to heal himself. He flat out told me that he doesn't know what he is working on recovery for because I am not showing him love (I am paraphrasing, but the sentiment is still the same). I told him that he couldn't work recovery for us, he has to work on his own healing first. He doesn't think it's worth it, it's not enough he told me, to work on it for himself, he has to see some civility and compassion from me. That scares the SHIT out of me (pardon my language). He will never fully be in recovery if that's why he is doing it. He has to want to heal his own heart, mind and spirit before he can truly work on our healing as a couple. This has been my biggest fear going into recovery, that B won't want to get better unless I work to heal us as a couple. I can't do that right now. I have to be able to see action on his part before I can work on our healing as a couple. It's quite a stalemate we have. I can't lower my walls and let him in and he won't work on recovery because I won't lower my walls and be vulnerable. I don't know where we go from here as a couple. I know where I need to go and I am honestly getting my map out and working on heading that direction. B will have to make his own decision.

Heartbroken but recommitted,

T.

My Heart Is Full

Tonight my heart is full. It is still carrying hurt and anger but it is also carrying joy, love and a small measure of peace. I'm not ready for Christmas, I don't even know what we will be eating. The presents aren't all wrapped, probably not even all bought, but it's ok. I am feeling joy, love and a small measure of peace because right now I can feel His love. I have been touched by the love of my Heavenly Father. He is carrying me. I can turn it over for this moment and let him have it.

A Little Lighter,

T.

Triggers, Triggers, Everywhere!

Today has been a day FULL of triggers and I have not handled it as well as I would've liked. I'm not exactly sure why there were so many triggering things in my day today, but if I had to put money down on something it would be lack of sleep. I have had some late nights and busy days and it has led to complete physical exhaustion. I am just plain worn out and so I haven't handled my triggers as well as sometimes do.

If you are easily triggered by others experiences, consider yourself warned not to read any farther. I need to write about some of today's triggers and process them and how I handled them.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas time! I love that we get to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I  think I've said this before, if not I'm saying it now, nothing speaks to me as easily as music. I can be touched by almost any emotion more easily and effectively through music. I should come as no surprise to me then that music can sometimes easily trigger me. Today it was about a particular artist who also happens to be an actress and one of B's favorites. I don't know if she has ever starred in his fantasies, but it's a wager that I would feel safe taking to say she has. When B's playlist played a song by this particular artist I made him change it because it triggered me.

One of my all time favorite things about Christmas is finding THAT gift. You know, the one that you know they will absolutely love. Well after five hours of shopping with my teenager we have almost covered everyone on our list. One of the things we were shopping for was makeup for me (my parents send us money to shop for ourselves every year). I have not been much or a makeup wearer for years. It's just too much effort most of the time and, if I was being completely transparent here, I would admit part of it was that I figured no matter how beautiful I looked, it wasn't me that B wanted. It was triggering to buy makeup for Pete's sake!

Here's my biggest trigger though, spending time in civil conversation with a friend of ours who is an "addict in recovery" (my opinion, he's not in recovery but it's only my observation which is admittedly tainted by the trauma). Here is what was so triggering for me. He said something to the effect that he thinks he and his wife were raised completely differently because she was raised that you made a list of your wants for Christmas and that he was raised to make a list knowing that it was a wish list and that you weren't going to get everything on it. Well…no s**t Sherlock! Give that boy a medal! He said that she never liked what he gets for her. He also said that she never liked what he picks out for her for Christmas and later that he picks out stuff for her because he likes it because that's what he knows. All I could think of was, "She gets upset about what you buy for her because you don't LISTEN to what she really wants. You but what you want to buy and not what she wants to get because you either couldn't be bothered to list to what your wife wants or that you don't care what she wants because you will get her what you want anyway. I'm sorry she doesn't like your gifts, maybe if you listened to her you would know that by doing what you are doing you are essentially telling your wife that she doesn't matter enough to not only listen to what you are saying but to take it to heart as well. This is so completely triggering for me because it has been my experience almost our entire marriage. B puts off buying me presents because "I'm too hard to shop for"…ummm nope! I am actually really easy to please if you listen to the suggestions I give you.  I don't care if the present cost $300 or $3 as long as thought went into it. That's the triggering part, feeling like I'm not important enough to waste time or energy on.

The capstone to my triggers tonight was that I was self-medicating with chocolate (let's not throw stones at me ok self and others, I know self medicating with anything is bad, no lecture or shaming needed. I was eating Dove Promises (the dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt…YUMMY) when I read one of the encouragements on the inside that triggered me. I even get triggered by some of my favorite things! Ugh!

I am going to head to bed and see if I can wake up and be less triggered in the morning.

Trggered,

T.

It All Comes Down to Connection

I have been restless and discontented all night because I have so many things rattling around in my head and I wanted to get them out so I can sleep. Nothing would stick long enough to form a cohesive sentence about it. Everything was just a jumble. It all came together just now I had to get out of bed an write before it escaped again. The word that hit me so hard is CONNECTION. Everything comes down to that one word, connection.

Lately I have been actively seeking out connections in many areas of my life. I have been renewing my connection with B. I have been forging new connections within a community of amazingly strong women that understand what I am going through. I am strengthening the connection I have with my kids. I am trailblazing new connection with my parents. Most of all, I am seeking a connection with my Father in Heaven. He is what has strengthened me. He is where I have turned for support. Most of all He WANTS to connect with me.

When we go LifeStar we have to checkin with our group. Part of that checkin includes how we are doing spiritually. I remember describing how I was doing spiritually the first week as being like a toddler learning to walk. This last week I felt "kept". I tried to think of a better word, but this was the one I kept coming back to, kept. To me this means I am held and supported, I am provided for and I am loved. It was one word that seemed to sum all of that up. It is a fledgling connection but growing stronger all the time.

I have been relying a lot lately on my connection to those around me, especially to my sisterhood of WoPAs (Wives of Porn Addicts). I am beyond excited to get to attend The Togetherness Project next spring. I have found so much hope and healing by being able to share my battle with women who have faced the same struggles as I have. The most amazing thing to me is the instant connection I have felt with some of them. It's like they have just drawn me to them by their spirit and strength. I have also been amazed at the connections we have in our lives outside of the group (it's such a small world is something I often think). My heart aches for each of them and rejoices with those who have found happiness with or without their spouse. My only regret? This group wasn't around seventeen years ago.

I have also been seeking a deeper connection with some close friends by sharing my story. It has been so super scary, but also so incredibly freeing. I have such amazing friends. Heavenly Father has truly surrounded me with incredible people in my life. I am so truly blessed to have supportive and loving friends!

Connection has been an on and off thing with B lately. I do feel he has been trying more than in times past. I also find that when he tries to connect in ways I'm not used to, I immediately grow suspicious. I hate it, but it is what it is. When he called me at work today just to tell me he loved me, my first thought was "What's wrong? Did something happen?" and when that didn't prove to be the case my next thought was, "What is he trying to compensate for?" I'm not proud of these thoughts, but because he rarely calls me at work, they were my first thoughts. I talked to B about this tonight and we were able to process it and work through it, it was liberating to be able to openly discuss this without either of us getting upset, defensive or mad. He is trying most days to connect with me and I am trying most days to connect with him. It feels like it is a lot of work most of the time, but if I have learned anything in my life it's that anything worthwhile is worth working for.

I will forever be grateful for the connections I have in my life. I have been truly blessed by the amazing people that Heavenly Father has put in my life.

Seeking connection,

T.

Recovery

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been spending a lot of time doing recovery work. I have been working on a full disclosure with my therapist. I will soon have it ready to share with my wife. She is at a point where she needs this to make any further progress.

We started attending LifeStar a few weeks ago. I am learning some amazing things. I wish I could have learned them years ago. I would like to share a few of these things here. In later posts I plan to go more into depth about them. As I get further in recovery I would like to make this blog a place where I can share things that will help other addicts in their recovery.

Sex addiction (porn, masturbation, lust, etc.) is not about sex. It is about the inability to manage emotions. We all have pain and challenges we must face in life. An addict has learned that acting out on his addiction will help to numb the pain. The problem is that you can't selectively numb an emotion. When you numb the pain, you numb the joy, love, thankfulness, hope, and all the other emotions that lead to a happy life. This of course leads to more pain, and the cycle starts all over again.

The opposite of addiction is not abstinence, it is connection. From birth until death we all have an inherent need to connect with others. Sometimes connecting can be difficult. Shame makes us feel like we are not worthy to be loved. So we feel isolation. In an attempt to fill this void we turn to our addiction. Acting out seems like a safe way to connect. The porn isn't going to tell me that I am worthless. At least not while I am acting out. I can create a false sense of attachment by viewing porn. Sex is the most intimate way to connect. But when it is all over, the pain of knowing this is a false attachment makes me feel worse. This leads to more shame. Shame will eventually cause me to act out and the cycle continues.

This has completely changed my view of what recovery will look like. I used to think that I had to just learn how to abstain from all these acts. There are some addicts that can do this, however they have not fixed the underlying cause of their pain. They are not in recovery. I know see that my recovery will include creating healthy relationships with both men and women. This is what I have wanted all my life. I don't have any real friends. The few friends I have are more like good acquaintances. I am going to have to work hard to change this. I have already felt more at ease around others the past week. I feel like I am able to open up more. I feel like the wall I have built is beginning to crumble.

B.