Daring Greatly...A Textbook for Life

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. I have homework and reading. I have notebooks, art projects, highlighters, pencils and discussions. There have been times in my recovery that this has all felt like too much for me. Too much time and energy spent on recovery. Too much knowledge and new patterns that I'm trying to fit in my head, heart and life. There have been times when I have had to take a break. I'm just coming off one of those "breaks" and getting my recovery back on track.

I have thought and prayed long and hard about whether a break is necessary or even good for me in recovery. I have come to the conclusion that it depends. It depends on what I'm taking  break from. Some of my recovery behaviors have to be innate and included everyday, otherwise I slip back into old patterns and behaviors. I can however take a break from reading, eating, breathing, and sleeping nothing but recovery.

I'm not advocating that this works for everyone, but it works for me. There are times that I have to let what I have learned settle in and become incorporated in my life. I have to figure out what my "new norm" looks like. What works for me and what doesn't. Then I can start to learn and grow more. That's not right, or not how I see it. I am always learning and growing, it's just sometimes I voraciously want more knowledge and sometimes I have to let the new knowledge I have gained help me to grow. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it's how I see things in my own life.

This last break was a little too long and I let too many of my everyday recovery behaviors slip. I fell back into some of my own habits of enabling and letting my anger control me. No where near the degree as before, but not where I want to be either. I am glad to be back on track and getting those behaviors back in my daily life.

This month for my book club we are reading a book I suggested and have wanted to read for a good while, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  Since I am leading the discussion, I need to make sure I get it read. I sat down today and started it. I'm in love! I mean I already loved what I have seen and read from Brene Brown, but I am even more in love. If you have never heard her speak or read anything by her, I have linked to her Tedx talk in this post. Watch it! You'll be glad you did.

The things I am learning are life changing. Well ok, life affirming. I am learning the importance of and the way to be vulnerable and fight shame. These two things are vital to recovery.  They are skill that if everyone had, we would have so much more open communication and so much less criticism and blame.

This post is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with Brene Brown or Daring Greatly. I just wanted to share something that was helping me be a better me.

A little more vulnerably,

T.

Recent Reading

A large part of my time in recovery has been spent reading recovery books. I have read so much in my LifeStar workbooks as well as books written on recovery and other self-help books in general, they have helped me understand and heal. I have a hard time digesting the books in large pieces, so it usually takes me a while to get through even a small one. It also means that I am often reading more than one.

I recently finished "What Can I do About Him Me?" by Rhyll Crowshaw. This book is fantastic for the recovering spouse. She talks about her own journey through recovery and what helped her. It isn't a long book and it has so much great information. If you want to buy it you can get it here.

I have been working reading "Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I'm sure I have mentioned it before, because I have been reading it for a really long time. The main reason it is taking me so long is because once I start reading I can't put it down and I don't often have time to get lost in a book like that. She is so funny, relatable, authentic, full of faith and just plain fun to read. Every time I read this book I get out a pen and highlighter. I have NEVER written or highlighted in a book that wasn't meant for that purpose (i.e.. a text book or workbook), but there is so much to love in her book that I can't help it.

The other book I am currently reading was given to me by a friend for Christmas. She saw the authors on a t.v. show talking about how they wrote it and KNEW that both of us HAD to have it. I am only a few pages in and so far it's fantastic. It is called "Gratitude & Trust: Six Affirmations That Will Change Your Life" by Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson. I read something in there tonight that I want to share. I give full credit for this to the authors and hope that it helps someone else.

"It all starts with honesty. If you're not honest with yourself, how can you be truly honest with anyone else? We spend a lot of energy fooling ourselves, covering for ourselves, and projecting an image that is in opposition of what's actually going on. There is such and emphasis on perfection in our society that we are all terrified of not meeting the standards that we either self-imposed or assume the world is expecting of us. Changing that begins with honesty: being honest about who you are, where you are, what you feel, what you want, and where you might have dropped the ball. Honesty is not only the best policy, it's the starting line of getting through the race of life as smoothly as possible

Purity in many ways is the cousin of honesty. Once you have decided to embrace honesty and let that be the controlling dynamic of your life, you must be pure to that concept. The definition of purity is cleanliness, transparency. So by following the path of purity, you keep your house clean your personal life clean. You maintain transparency about your misdeeds and mistakes because when you're being transparent, you're being honest. And when we're honest, we have nothing to hide from ourselves and others. Addicts of all sorts spend their lives covering their tracks. But any of us who merely have dents in our character - which we all do - spend a lot of our lives trying to mask them, hide from them, numb them, and beat them into oblivion. Think about how much more time you will have to do the things you want and be the person you want when you are not constantly running from your reality trying to cover up the things you don't want to be or do." (personal note: I disregarded the part about the clean house, for me, being in trauma and/or working on recovery means that my house isn't clean. The common areas are picked up and clean much of the time, but there is clutter everywhere. I'm working on this, but it's not a realistic expectation for myself right now.)

Honesty and Purity, or as they defined it, Transparency. Those are the things I strive for in my life, from myself and from B. I want to be honest with him and transparent. I don't want him to question my motives or actions. He does question them a lot, and I am working on being honest about my true feelings with both him and myself. I am also working on giving him transparency into those feelings so that he will know that I AM fighting for us and I DO want to fight to stay together.

There is a lot of push back and pain on his side when I tell him honestly how I am feeling and remain strong in holding my boundaries. He doesn't always LIKE what I tell him and sometimes he leaves our discussions hurting. It is NEVER my intention to inflict pain on him and the pain he feels right now is a result of his actions, not my holding the boundaries around them. I don't want him to hurt and for a lot of years I have tried to protect both of us from it by not acknowledging it. That didn't help either one of us, in fact it caused both of us more pain. I am working on that every.single.day. I am working not to rescue B and to let him feel that pain and work through it. It is really hard for me to watch. If he could honestly heal and find recovery AND do it pain-free, I would help him find that path. It's just not possible to get to the road of recovery (for either of us) without passing through pain.

I am still walking a line between compassion, rescuing and holding healthy boundaries. I ask, ponder, pray, seek and do it all over again every day, several times a day to make sure that I am doing what is best for both of us. I am asking my Father in Heaven to guide me on a path that shows enough compassion without rescuing B and while still maintaining healthy boundaries. It is a fine line, but the longer I walk it the wider it grows and the easier it is to stay on the path. I ask myself the question, what is my motive behind saying/doing this? If the answer isn't that I am doing it to help us heal then it's the wrong thing to say or do and I need to go back and rethink it.

I love my husband very much. I feel that love for him more today than I have in years, maybe ever. I can't however, continue to be betrayed and hurt over and over and over again and so for now I wait. I pray. I have faith. I accept. That's all I can do (besides working on my own recovery). It bears repeating, I love my husband. I want more than anything to find recovery WITH him by my side, holding his hand and fighting together. Please if you have a minute, send up a prayer for us, we could really use it right now.

Transparently Honest,

T.

P.S. I get ABSOLUTELY NO KICKBACK from these books. I just want to share the resources that have helped me. If they don't work for you, that's ok, if you do find them helpful, that's great! If you have others you'd like to share with me, email me or leave them in the comments.

In Case of Emergency

I have NEVER highlighted in a book that wasn't specifically designed for such a purpose (ie. text book, recovery manual, etc.). I am however, currently reading a book that I couldn't keep from highlighting. It looks like a novel, it even reads like a novel (thanks to the author's amazingly real writing style), but it is in fact not a novel, it is an autobiography. I have avoided reading much non-fiction for years because reading was my escape. Lately though, I haven't really read anything but non-fiction, mostly consisting of recovery books. 

Now that you are practically drooling to find out what this fascinating piece of literature is, I'll won't keep you in suspense anymore. It is called Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life by Glennon Doyle Melton who authors the blog Momastry. This amazingly flawed woman is as real as it gets. She is funny, insightful, irreverent in a reverent way, respects and honors God, she's a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend an addict in recovery and for me she is a beacon of hope. 

She has some of the most insightful stories out there and they are told in her witty and irreverent way while she lays herself out there for all to see. She feels it is her calling to share her story and the lessons she is learning along the way and I, for one, wholeheartedly agree. This woman was CALLED to be a storyteller and hope bringer.

Let me describe what reading this book is like. It is such a feast of words that you want to devour it as fast as you possibly can. At the same time it is like a gourmet feast that you know will be much more enjoyable when taken slowly and in pieces. It's almost agonizing to make myself read slowly and absorb what she is sharing. One time I was reading on a day I didn't have my highlighter with me and there was so much good stuff in the two chapters that I read that I had to go back and reread them and highlight them the next time I read. If you are only going to read one recovery book out there it would be hard for me to pick which to tell you, but this is one I don't think you can go wrong with (she does use some swear words, just a disclosure for you).

The most recent chapter I read was called In Case of Emergency and started out talking about how she and her sister are each other's In Case of Emergency designee. This chapter is about how she had to watch the sister she idolizes go through an incredibly hard struggle. It was such a powerful chapter for me to read. I don't even know how to sum up how it made me feel, It just spoke to me. Let me share some of my favorite lines from the chapter:

"Until then, I had only learned this about grace: sometimes, like in my case, you get blessed for no reason. You get something wonderful that you don't deserve. But on that day, I learned that the flip side is also true: sometimes you get screwed for no reason. You get something awful that you never, ever deserved…YOU CANNOT EARN YOURSELF AN EASY LIFE OR EVEN A FAIR ONE. "(emphasis added).

Glennon also had this to say about sitting with someone that is grieving: 

"When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don't' try to take it away. Forgive yourself for not having that power. Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are not things we should try and snatch from each other. They're sacred. They are part of each person's journey. All we can do is offer relief from this fear: I am all alone. That's the one fear you can alleviate. Offer your In Case of Emergency your presence, your love, yourself, so she'll understand that no matter how dark it gets, she's not walking alone. that is always enough to offer…Grief is not something to be fixed. It's something to be borne, together. And when the time is right, there is always something that is born from it…Hope is a door each one must open for herself."

For me that last line bears repeating: HOPE IS A DOOR EACH ONE MUST OPEN FOR HERSELF! 

For the first time since I found out about B's addiction, I'm starting to get it. My recovery is up to me. My recovery is separate from B's recovery. I need to recover. I have to open that door to the hope that is promised me from my Heavenly Father through His son, Jesus Christ. It is up to me to find my own way to open the door and hope!

Savoring this book,

T.