Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Warning Label - Recovery Is Hard Work

When I read this the other day it intrigued me…partly because I knew immediately at that moment what my warning label would say…WORN OUT. That particular day I was just plain warn out physically and emotionally. This recovery stuff is hard work! It's exhausting physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. It is taking a lot out of me and it is taking pieces from every part of my life.

Today I have refined my warning label to read…BROKEN - PROCEED WITH CARE…UNDER CONSTRUCTION EXPECT HARD WORK AND SACRIFICE AHEAD. That's what my warning label would say today. It really hit me the last couple of days what hard work and sacrifice I am faced with if I truly want to recover from this trauma. 

I have been sacrificing a lot of my personal time and attention to focus on my recovery. What that means for me is that I haven't been reading much of anything except recovery information. I haven't had time to watch hardly any TV. I have even missed my book clubs for two months because I just haven't had the time or energy to read the book and carry on a conversation about it. My entire focus has been on recovery from Betrayal Trauma and Compulsive Overeating. I have been so focused that my brain is becoming saturated with facts and figures, determination to succeed, thoughts about what I want to write about, bottom lines, boundaries and ways to support my fellow WoPAs. I have become a bit obsessed with recovery…it's time to take a step back a little.

I am going to book club (both of them) this month. I am attempting to read the books (although I'm not really sure I can stomach 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' which is the book in one of my book clubs). I am going to dinner with a friend that is not a WoPA and talking about stuff unrelated to recovery. I am going to enjoy watching The Cosby Show with my family and Signed, Sealed, Delivered with myself. I am going to learn how to harness my anxiety a little better with meditation and breathing exercises. I'm going to work on my home and some projects I want to do there. I am still going to work on recovery very diligently, but I am going to try and not let it consume me. 

I would love some suggestions about how to balance my life and my recovery work. I would love to know what any of you out there do to manage the load. 

Breathing more and reacting less is my commitment this week, so that means I'm going to breathe in the good shit and breathe out the bullshit. Pardon my poor language but I read that and decided it fit what I want to do. 

Breathing more,

T.

P.S. I have to add an addendum to this post because I have been lead by the hand tonight. Earlier I was talking with my Relief Society President about how we all carry burdens and that we should treat each other accordingly. Then when I wen to read one of my favorite blogs , I read this about signs and linked to this post about signs as well. What would happen if we each wore a sign? What if the scars on the inside were visible on the outside? How would we treat each other? What would we do differently?