One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Battle Fatigue

Battle Fatigue is what PTSD was known as during WWII. It doesn't fit exactly what I am feeling, but the words paint a picture for me of what I look like on the inside. I am weary to the bone of fighting this battle and I just want to go to sleep for a while and take a break from life. Nobody call 911, I'm not suicidal, just worn out. I am physically, emotionally and mentally worn out.

Right now where I am really struggling is to find that balance. How much recovery work can I realistically do and keep up on life. Right now I'm not being very successful at either. I know I'm not the only one trying to find this balance, I've heard others talk about it too. I also know that the balance looks different for everyone. I work full-time plus, I have kids and a house to keep up. I also try to find some time to do things for self-care and recovery. It feels like right now I'm trying to find that delicate balance between time for recovery and time for life…and a splinter can tip the scales.

The other thing I am struggling with right now is my utter disconnection from B. I have erected almost all my walls again and shored them up with new ones. It was done intentionally and with purpose. He is showing signs of working on and trying to be in recovery. The problem is that it is never consistent. He will be very contentious of my needs and will be thinking of things to lighten the load for me and work on connecting with me and being honest…for a couple of days. Then it's all too much for him and he withdraws and his needs come first. It is like standing on a rug that you love that is covering a concrete floor…it is so nice and warm and comforting for a couple days then all of a sudden it gets yanked out from underneath you and you end up on the cold hard floor with new purple bruises on top of the already tender yellow ones that are just starting to heal. It is more traumatic in a way than the last 20 years have been because I had those couple of days of connection and care. It's like I'm being robbed of that safety over and over and over again. Before, I never expected or hoped for it, so it was just was I was used to with zero expectations of it being any different. Now, I can see the changes and feel the difference SOME of the time. Mind you, I wouldn't go back to the way it was either. I could not live like that anymore.

When he checks in with me at night and relates how he is feeling relationally he always says disconnected. He will sometimes say that he doesn't know what he is fighting for anymore because I am so disconnected. I have told him every which way what I need to be able to start connecting more. CONSISTENCY. That's it. I need to see consistent improvement with more good days that bad. I'm not asking for perfection, just progress.  I need to be thought of more and my needs need to be as important as his own.

I want to connect with my husband. I want to have a happy marriage. I believe that those two things are possible. I just need some safety and consistency before they will happen. I believe that as we both get more recovery under our belts that our relationship will become our focus. Right now all I can do is concentrate on is my own recovery and being the best me I can be.

Weary to the bone,

T.

What A Week

This has been one of those weeks…you know the weeks where your thoughts are challenged in a good way, you feel like there aren't enough hours in the day, you've felt every emotion in the book and you still feel blessed? Yeah, me either…but it's just what this week has been! I'll give you a quick run-down: 49 hours at work, individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy (LifeStar meeting), Book Club (at my house), everyday chores (grocery store, dinner, laundry etc), Church, head cold and NEDA Week (National Eating Disorder Awareness Week) which I supported because of my own eating disorder (compulsive overeating) and those are just the highlights. But as I reflect on this week, it has been GOOD. I'm exhausted physically, spiritually and emotionally, but I am counting my blessings and feeling content.

My therapist…I have NO words! She is just simply AMAZING! She can tap into what I need to think about and hear and do it while continuing to make me feel safe. I have no words to share the gratitude I have for this amazing woman. She is compassionate, kind, insightful, hopeful, encouraging, challenges me…and so many more words that I can't even list. She's just a woman like you and I, but she gets me. Well, at least it FEELS like she gets me. As I mentioned before I had some serious introspection to do about my "rescuing" behaviors. I have a LOOOOOOOOOONG way to go in that department, but for me being aware is a huge step. I have not been aware of a lot of those behaviors before. I wish I could see her more than every other week, there are weeks I could see her every.single.day and it wouldn't be enough. She's not a superhero (I haven't seen her darting into any telephone booths, shooting spider webs out of her hands or freezing anyone with her eyes), but to me she feels like one. She is MY superhero this week. I'm sure there might be times that I don't get exactly what I want out of sessions, but this week, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, despite the fact that it challenged many of my thoughts and beliefs about myself. They were thoughts and beliefs that NEEDED to be challenged.

Couples therapy was great. I tried really hard not to dominate the session (yes I am THAT wife…the one that NEVER shuts-up…working on that). We both talked. We both listened. Our therapist facilitated a great conversation. It was peaceful. We connected. It helped forward our healing.

LifeStar meeting. That's it. Just LifeStar.

Book Club is my favorite non-recovery activity. I love my book club friends and I love reading. I always joke "it's not about the book" because in reality, it's really about the friendship and chance to recharge. I do love reading though and it gives me a chance to read books that I otherwise wouldn't. I haven't finished a book club book in months and I am so glad that my friends forgive me for that. I was really embarrassed at first to not have read the book that I chose, but I let that go because, well life is busy and recovery is a time consuming job…so there's that.

My favorite part of this week was all the connection I had. I talked to my Mom about something important to both of us. I was able to connect with a few of my warrior women friends who are fighting this battle…I mean really connect! I was there for them to reach out to and they were there for me (love you Sway). I was able to connect with my daughter about boys and life. I was able to connect with my son and help him work through some fears. B and I had an entire day today of connection. I am soaking it all in, because I know this is not how every week will be…I just hope that the pattern holds and I get to connect more.

May this week bring connection for me and for you. My our Heavenly Father bless you and hold you.

Contentedly,

T.

It All Comes Down to Connection

I have been restless and discontented all night because I have so many things rattling around in my head and I wanted to get them out so I can sleep. Nothing would stick long enough to form a cohesive sentence about it. Everything was just a jumble. It all came together just now I had to get out of bed an write before it escaped again. The word that hit me so hard is CONNECTION. Everything comes down to that one word, connection.

Lately I have been actively seeking out connections in many areas of my life. I have been renewing my connection with B. I have been forging new connections within a community of amazingly strong women that understand what I am going through. I am strengthening the connection I have with my kids. I am trailblazing new connection with my parents. Most of all, I am seeking a connection with my Father in Heaven. He is what has strengthened me. He is where I have turned for support. Most of all He WANTS to connect with me.

When we go LifeStar we have to checkin with our group. Part of that checkin includes how we are doing spiritually. I remember describing how I was doing spiritually the first week as being like a toddler learning to walk. This last week I felt "kept". I tried to think of a better word, but this was the one I kept coming back to, kept. To me this means I am held and supported, I am provided for and I am loved. It was one word that seemed to sum all of that up. It is a fledgling connection but growing stronger all the time.

I have been relying a lot lately on my connection to those around me, especially to my sisterhood of WoPAs (Wives of Porn Addicts). I am beyond excited to get to attend The Togetherness Project next spring. I have found so much hope and healing by being able to share my battle with women who have faced the same struggles as I have. The most amazing thing to me is the instant connection I have felt with some of them. It's like they have just drawn me to them by their spirit and strength. I have also been amazed at the connections we have in our lives outside of the group (it's such a small world is something I often think). My heart aches for each of them and rejoices with those who have found happiness with or without their spouse. My only regret? This group wasn't around seventeen years ago.

I have also been seeking a deeper connection with some close friends by sharing my story. It has been so super scary, but also so incredibly freeing. I have such amazing friends. Heavenly Father has truly surrounded me with incredible people in my life. I am so truly blessed to have supportive and loving friends!

Connection has been an on and off thing with B lately. I do feel he has been trying more than in times past. I also find that when he tries to connect in ways I'm not used to, I immediately grow suspicious. I hate it, but it is what it is. When he called me at work today just to tell me he loved me, my first thought was "What's wrong? Did something happen?" and when that didn't prove to be the case my next thought was, "What is he trying to compensate for?" I'm not proud of these thoughts, but because he rarely calls me at work, they were my first thoughts. I talked to B about this tonight and we were able to process it and work through it, it was liberating to be able to openly discuss this without either of us getting upset, defensive or mad. He is trying most days to connect with me and I am trying most days to connect with him. It feels like it is a lot of work most of the time, but if I have learned anything in my life it's that anything worthwhile is worth working for.

I will forever be grateful for the connections I have in my life. I have been truly blessed by the amazing people that Heavenly Father has put in my life.

Seeking connection,

T.

Recovery

It has been a while since I have posted. I have been spending a lot of time doing recovery work. I have been working on a full disclosure with my therapist. I will soon have it ready to share with my wife. She is at a point where she needs this to make any further progress.

We started attending LifeStar a few weeks ago. I am learning some amazing things. I wish I could have learned them years ago. I would like to share a few of these things here. In later posts I plan to go more into depth about them. As I get further in recovery I would like to make this blog a place where I can share things that will help other addicts in their recovery.

Sex addiction (porn, masturbation, lust, etc.) is not about sex. It is about the inability to manage emotions. We all have pain and challenges we must face in life. An addict has learned that acting out on his addiction will help to numb the pain. The problem is that you can't selectively numb an emotion. When you numb the pain, you numb the joy, love, thankfulness, hope, and all the other emotions that lead to a happy life. This of course leads to more pain, and the cycle starts all over again.

The opposite of addiction is not abstinence, it is connection. From birth until death we all have an inherent need to connect with others. Sometimes connecting can be difficult. Shame makes us feel like we are not worthy to be loved. So we feel isolation. In an attempt to fill this void we turn to our addiction. Acting out seems like a safe way to connect. The porn isn't going to tell me that I am worthless. At least not while I am acting out. I can create a false sense of attachment by viewing porn. Sex is the most intimate way to connect. But when it is all over, the pain of knowing this is a false attachment makes me feel worse. This leads to more shame. Shame will eventually cause me to act out and the cycle continues.

This has completely changed my view of what recovery will look like. I used to think that I had to just learn how to abstain from all these acts. There are some addicts that can do this, however they have not fixed the underlying cause of their pain. They are not in recovery. I know see that my recovery will include creating healthy relationships with both men and women. This is what I have wanted all my life. I don't have any real friends. The few friends I have are more like good acquaintances. I am going to have to work hard to change this. I have already felt more at ease around others the past week. I feel like I am able to open up more. I feel like the wall I have built is beginning to crumble.

B.