This has been one of those weeks…you know the weeks where your thoughts are challenged in a good way, you feel like there aren't enough hours in the day, you've felt every emotion in the book and you still feel blessed? Yeah, me either…but it's just what this week has been! I'll give you a quick run-down: 49 hours at work, individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy (LifeStar meeting), Book Club (at my house), everyday chores (grocery store, dinner, laundry etc), Church, head cold and NEDA Week (National Eating Disorder Awareness Week) which I supported because of my own eating disorder (compulsive overeating) and those are just the highlights. But as I reflect on this week, it has been GOOD. I'm exhausted physically, spiritually and emotionally, but I am counting my blessings and feeling content.
My therapist…I have NO words! She is just simply AMAZING! She can tap into what I need to think about and hear and do it while continuing to make me feel safe. I have no words to share the gratitude I have for this amazing woman. She is compassionate, kind, insightful, hopeful, encouraging, challenges me…and so many more words that I can't even list. She's just a woman like you and I, but she gets me. Well, at least it FEELS like she gets me. As I mentioned before I had some serious introspection to do about my "rescuing" behaviors. I have a LOOOOOOOOOONG way to go in that department, but for me being aware is a huge step. I have not been aware of a lot of those behaviors before. I wish I could see her more than every other week, there are weeks I could see her every.single.day and it wouldn't be enough. She's not a superhero (I haven't seen her darting into any telephone booths, shooting spider webs out of her hands or freezing anyone with her eyes), but to me she feels like one. She is MY superhero this week. I'm sure there might be times that I don't get exactly what I want out of sessions, but this week, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, despite the fact that it challenged many of my thoughts and beliefs about myself. They were thoughts and beliefs that NEEDED to be challenged.
Couples therapy was great. I tried really hard not to dominate the session (yes I am THAT wife…the one that NEVER shuts-up…working on that). We both talked. We both listened. Our therapist facilitated a great conversation. It was peaceful. We connected. It helped forward our healing.
LifeStar meeting. That's it. Just LifeStar.
Book Club is my favorite non-recovery activity. I love my book club friends and I love reading. I always joke "it's not about the book" because in reality, it's really about the friendship and chance to recharge. I do love reading though and it gives me a chance to read books that I otherwise wouldn't. I haven't finished a book club book in months and I am so glad that my friends forgive me for that. I was really embarrassed at first to not have read the book that I chose, but I let that go because, well life is busy and recovery is a time consuming job…so there's that.
My favorite part of this week was all the connection I had. I talked to my Mom about something important to both of us. I was able to connect with a few of my warrior women friends who are fighting this battle…I mean really connect! I was there for them to reach out to and they were there for me (love you Sway). I was able to connect with my daughter about boys and life. I was able to connect with my son and help him work through some fears. B and I had an entire day today of connection. I am soaking it all in, because I know this is not how every week will be…I just hope that the pattern holds and I get to connect more.
May this week bring connection for me and for you. My our Heavenly Father bless you and hold you.
Contentedly,
T.
Showing posts with label LifeStar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LifeStar. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Stepping Into The Light
Owning my story and stepping out into the light is something that has taken me years to do. I always wanted to keep it secret. I didn't want people to judge me or my husband. We aren't bad people. When first disclosed to me almost seventeen years ago, I was ashamed. The other thing about his first disclosure is that I don't remember it. I'm pretty sure I have repressed that memory. I have been looking for it lately and I honestly cannot find it. I don't remember ANYTHING about B's first disclosure to me. That doesn't mean I don't remember the FEELINGS around it, those I do remember. I was hurt, mad and ashamed mostly. I also didn't realize what a powerful hold this addiction had on him.
I do remember later discoveries and disclosures and how each one left me a little more broken. I hid all of that completely (as well as I could anyway), because of my feelings of shame and embarrassment, for twelve very lonely years. I then told one person and we still didn't talk about it much, but it did allow me to be there for her when she found pornography in her computer history (to this day she is one of my most staunch supporters and I would be lost without her most of the time). I told a couple of people over the next few years, including my sister who is my best friend. I still felt lost and alone because I still didn't really want to talk about it. I numbed my feelings of hurt and shame with food, books (including literary porn but that's another story) and being as busy as I could be. Until a few months ago I kept thinking that if he would just stop I would be fine. The first time I heard the term Betrayal Trauma I thought, NO FREAKING WAY do I have that. Was I ever wrong (again another story…boy am I being squirreled today).
Starting a few months ago, I started stepping into the light by owning my story and sharing it as I felt impressed to do so. Overall, people have been amazingly supportive. I honestly thought people would judge me and that I would be criticized. I should have known better. I have chosen to surround myself with amazing people most of my adult life. I should have known that I would have an army of supporters when I needed it. It has been a really long time since I have felt so much love and compassion. I'm not sure I have ever let myself ever be this authentic. Why not? I was afraid of people not liking me if they knew who I really was inside.
Over Thanksgiving weekend I disclosed to a very longtime friend. She was shocked that I hadn't told her before now. I assured her that until recently I hadn't really shared with anyone. What hit me the most out of the entire conversation? That she wished I had told her sooner. Her only regret was that she hadn't been able to be there to support me all these years. I wish I had told some of my closest friends sooner. I wish I had sought out that unconditional love and support that I have received since disclosing to them.
In LifeStar the other night, one of my new friends said she has not told anyone. She doesn't want anyone to think less of her husband for this because he is an amazing man. She wanted to know if that was bad. I told her absolutely not! She's in LifeStar, she's talking to a therapist, that is part of owning her story and for her that may be enough. Everyone's story is different. Stepping into the light looks different for everyone. For a lot people, owning their story and stepping into the light may not mean that everyone around them has to know. It may not mean that anyone around them has to know. The one thing I have learned is that I personally NEED to share in order to heal. That is what owning my story and stepping into the light means for me. That doesn't mean that it is the right thing for someone else. Obviously, I am still not ready to completely come out to everyone, this blog is "anonymous" after all. I have shared it with others as I have felt impressed to do so. I am no longer afraid of what people will think of me, because this is who I am. I still have a lot of days that I don't love who I am, but I am slowly learning that I am worth loving and I'll take that journey over the stagnation any day.
If I could tell anyone out there who has a loved one (doesn't have to be a spouse, could be a brother, sister, child, parent, whoever) that is suffering through a sex addiction anything, it would be this…find support, reach out to someone, know that you aren't alone. This does not have to own you because you are more than this addiction and trauma. There is an amazing amount of help and support out there. If you don't know where to go, reach out to me through the comments or email (awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com). I also have a tab at the top with some resources listed. Most of all just know that this addiction doesn't make your loved one a bad person and you are not weak or less than because you love them and have stood by them. You are strong, you are not alone and most of all, YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Stepping into the light,
T.
I do remember later discoveries and disclosures and how each one left me a little more broken. I hid all of that completely (as well as I could anyway), because of my feelings of shame and embarrassment, for twelve very lonely years. I then told one person and we still didn't talk about it much, but it did allow me to be there for her when she found pornography in her computer history (to this day she is one of my most staunch supporters and I would be lost without her most of the time). I told a couple of people over the next few years, including my sister who is my best friend. I still felt lost and alone because I still didn't really want to talk about it. I numbed my feelings of hurt and shame with food, books (including literary porn but that's another story) and being as busy as I could be. Until a few months ago I kept thinking that if he would just stop I would be fine. The first time I heard the term Betrayal Trauma I thought, NO FREAKING WAY do I have that. Was I ever wrong (again another story…boy am I being squirreled today).
Starting a few months ago, I started stepping into the light by owning my story and sharing it as I felt impressed to do so. Overall, people have been amazingly supportive. I honestly thought people would judge me and that I would be criticized. I should have known better. I have chosen to surround myself with amazing people most of my adult life. I should have known that I would have an army of supporters when I needed it. It has been a really long time since I have felt so much love and compassion. I'm not sure I have ever let myself ever be this authentic. Why not? I was afraid of people not liking me if they knew who I really was inside.
Over Thanksgiving weekend I disclosed to a very longtime friend. She was shocked that I hadn't told her before now. I assured her that until recently I hadn't really shared with anyone. What hit me the most out of the entire conversation? That she wished I had told her sooner. Her only regret was that she hadn't been able to be there to support me all these years. I wish I had told some of my closest friends sooner. I wish I had sought out that unconditional love and support that I have received since disclosing to them.
In LifeStar the other night, one of my new friends said she has not told anyone. She doesn't want anyone to think less of her husband for this because he is an amazing man. She wanted to know if that was bad. I told her absolutely not! She's in LifeStar, she's talking to a therapist, that is part of owning her story and for her that may be enough. Everyone's story is different. Stepping into the light looks different for everyone. For a lot people, owning their story and stepping into the light may not mean that everyone around them has to know. It may not mean that anyone around them has to know. The one thing I have learned is that I personally NEED to share in order to heal. That is what owning my story and stepping into the light means for me. That doesn't mean that it is the right thing for someone else. Obviously, I am still not ready to completely come out to everyone, this blog is "anonymous" after all. I have shared it with others as I have felt impressed to do so. I am no longer afraid of what people will think of me, because this is who I am. I still have a lot of days that I don't love who I am, but I am slowly learning that I am worth loving and I'll take that journey over the stagnation any day.
If I could tell anyone out there who has a loved one (doesn't have to be a spouse, could be a brother, sister, child, parent, whoever) that is suffering through a sex addiction anything, it would be this…find support, reach out to someone, know that you aren't alone. This does not have to own you because you are more than this addiction and trauma. There is an amazing amount of help and support out there. If you don't know where to go, reach out to me through the comments or email (awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com). I also have a tab at the top with some resources listed. Most of all just know that this addiction doesn't make your loved one a bad person and you are not weak or less than because you love them and have stood by them. You are strong, you are not alone and most of all, YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Stepping into the light,
T.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
A Recovery Metaphor
I'm not sure if I have mentioned before that we have been attending Phase I of LifeStar, in case I haven't, we are. We are in week five. Tonight was the second week that we have had a couple come and speak to us about their recovery. It is always very powerful to hear others stories and about their recovery. Tonight though, the wife shared a metaphor with us in response to my question, and it was such a great picture for me that I had to share it with you.
My question for her was about how she avoids comparing her recovery to someone else's. This is because of the guilt I sometimes (though less frequently now) have because my husband "just" has a porn addiction and hasn't had an actual affair. I know, I know, intellectually at least, I know, that trauma is trauma no matter what…but emotionally it is still hard for me not to feel like I shouldn't feel as devastated as I do. So, her analogy was this (and it was actually great because she talked about comparing her recovery to her husband's). I am paraphrasing, so the wording isn't exact, but the meaning will still be the same.
Imagine, if you will, that you are a fawn in a glade, a beautiful meadow. Out of nowhere you are shot by a hunter. There you are bleeding out on the ground, you need help. Is that hunter able to provide you with the support you need to stop bleeding and start to heal? Nope! He is not equipped to help you when he is the one that inflicted the harm.
In other words, the hunter has to focus on the recovery from being the one to shoot you (and for why he needed to hunt in the first place) and you have to recover from being shot! His recovery is his own and your recovery is your own! Holy crap! That was a pretty great visual for me!
The therapist running our group went on to use the metaphor to elaborate on comparing our own pain and trauma to that of another betrayed wife (again paraphrased). He said, you've been shot, period. You're going to the hospital. I don't care if you were "just" shot with a 22 gauge shell, a 9 mm handgun, a AK47…being shot is being shot. Everyone is going to feel the pain and be wounded regardless of the weapon used to do the wounding.
That was the perfect way to describe it to me. It just resonated with me. It is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, sad and traumatized. These things are my right to feel as the wounded fawn. I have been shot and I have been traumatized because of it! I get it. I can't promise I won't have to remember this metaphor, sometimes on a daily basis, but now I have it to remember. Now I have something that makes sense to me about my trauma. I just have to say it again…I've been shot.
We do not have to justify our pain!
Wounded but healing,
T.
My question for her was about how she avoids comparing her recovery to someone else's. This is because of the guilt I sometimes (though less frequently now) have because my husband "just" has a porn addiction and hasn't had an actual affair. I know, I know, intellectually at least, I know, that trauma is trauma no matter what…but emotionally it is still hard for me not to feel like I shouldn't feel as devastated as I do. So, her analogy was this (and it was actually great because she talked about comparing her recovery to her husband's). I am paraphrasing, so the wording isn't exact, but the meaning will still be the same.
Imagine, if you will, that you are a fawn in a glade, a beautiful meadow. Out of nowhere you are shot by a hunter. There you are bleeding out on the ground, you need help. Is that hunter able to provide you with the support you need to stop bleeding and start to heal? Nope! He is not equipped to help you when he is the one that inflicted the harm.
In other words, the hunter has to focus on the recovery from being the one to shoot you (and for why he needed to hunt in the first place) and you have to recover from being shot! His recovery is his own and your recovery is your own! Holy crap! That was a pretty great visual for me!
The therapist running our group went on to use the metaphor to elaborate on comparing our own pain and trauma to that of another betrayed wife (again paraphrased). He said, you've been shot, period. You're going to the hospital. I don't care if you were "just" shot with a 22 gauge shell, a 9 mm handgun, a AK47…being shot is being shot. Everyone is going to feel the pain and be wounded regardless of the weapon used to do the wounding.
That was the perfect way to describe it to me. It just resonated with me. It is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, sad and traumatized. These things are my right to feel as the wounded fawn. I have been shot and I have been traumatized because of it! I get it. I can't promise I won't have to remember this metaphor, sometimes on a daily basis, but now I have it to remember. Now I have something that makes sense to me about my trauma. I just have to say it again…I've been shot.
We do not have to justify our pain!
Wounded but healing,
T.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Recovery
It has been a while since I have posted. I have been spending a lot of time doing recovery work. I have been working on a full disclosure with my therapist. I will soon have it ready to share with my wife. She is at a point where she needs this to make any further progress.
We started attending LifeStar a few weeks ago. I am learning some amazing things. I wish I could have learned them years ago. I would like to share a few of these things here. In later posts I plan to go more into depth about them. As I get further in recovery I would like to make this blog a place where I can share things that will help other addicts in their recovery.
Sex addiction (porn, masturbation, lust, etc.) is not about sex. It is about the inability to manage emotions. We all have pain and challenges we must face in life. An addict has learned that acting out on his addiction will help to numb the pain. The problem is that you can't selectively numb an emotion. When you numb the pain, you numb the joy, love, thankfulness, hope, and all the other emotions that lead to a happy life. This of course leads to more pain, and the cycle starts all over again.
The opposite of addiction is not abstinence, it is connection. From birth until death we all have an inherent need to connect with others. Sometimes connecting can be difficult. Shame makes us feel like we are not worthy to be loved. So we feel isolation. In an attempt to fill this void we turn to our addiction. Acting out seems like a safe way to connect. The porn isn't going to tell me that I am worthless. At least not while I am acting out. I can create a false sense of attachment by viewing porn. Sex is the most intimate way to connect. But when it is all over, the pain of knowing this is a false attachment makes me feel worse. This leads to more shame. Shame will eventually cause me to act out and the cycle continues.
This has completely changed my view of what recovery will look like. I used to think that I had to just learn how to abstain from all these acts. There are some addicts that can do this, however they have not fixed the underlying cause of their pain. They are not in recovery. I know see that my recovery will include creating healthy relationships with both men and women. This is what I have wanted all my life. I don't have any real friends. The few friends I have are more like good acquaintances. I am going to have to work hard to change this. I have already felt more at ease around others the past week. I feel like I am able to open up more. I feel like the wall I have built is beginning to crumble.
B.
We started attending LifeStar a few weeks ago. I am learning some amazing things. I wish I could have learned them years ago. I would like to share a few of these things here. In later posts I plan to go more into depth about them. As I get further in recovery I would like to make this blog a place where I can share things that will help other addicts in their recovery.
Sex addiction (porn, masturbation, lust, etc.) is not about sex. It is about the inability to manage emotions. We all have pain and challenges we must face in life. An addict has learned that acting out on his addiction will help to numb the pain. The problem is that you can't selectively numb an emotion. When you numb the pain, you numb the joy, love, thankfulness, hope, and all the other emotions that lead to a happy life. This of course leads to more pain, and the cycle starts all over again.
The opposite of addiction is not abstinence, it is connection. From birth until death we all have an inherent need to connect with others. Sometimes connecting can be difficult. Shame makes us feel like we are not worthy to be loved. So we feel isolation. In an attempt to fill this void we turn to our addiction. Acting out seems like a safe way to connect. The porn isn't going to tell me that I am worthless. At least not while I am acting out. I can create a false sense of attachment by viewing porn. Sex is the most intimate way to connect. But when it is all over, the pain of knowing this is a false attachment makes me feel worse. This leads to more shame. Shame will eventually cause me to act out and the cycle continues.
This has completely changed my view of what recovery will look like. I used to think that I had to just learn how to abstain from all these acts. There are some addicts that can do this, however they have not fixed the underlying cause of their pain. They are not in recovery. I know see that my recovery will include creating healthy relationships with both men and women. This is what I have wanted all my life. I don't have any real friends. The few friends I have are more like good acquaintances. I am going to have to work hard to change this. I have already felt more at ease around others the past week. I feel like I am able to open up more. I feel like the wall I have built is beginning to crumble.
B.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Waiting-For-the-Other-Shoe-to-Drop-Feeling-of-Impending-Doom
It's after 2 AM and I'm not sleeping. It's not that I can't sleep, I'm pretty sure I could sleep without problem if I let myself. Why don't you let yourself then you ask? Well, the easy answer would be because I don't want to…but that's not true, I DO want to, desperately. I have let myself steep in my anxiety and fear for so long tonight that I have to process it and let it go, therefore I blog.
I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight.
I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation.
I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.
There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now.
Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level. I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.
Finding my way out of my head,
T.
I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight.
I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation.
I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.
There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now.
Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level. I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.
Finding my way out of my head,
T.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Breakthrough
I have been sober for about a month now. I have been feeling very good about my recovery. This weekend I was tempted more than I have since I started this round of recovery. I didn't act on the temptation but I think it was a wakeup call. This is going to be a much tougher battle to fight than I realized. Although I am more determined to win than I have ever been, this round is following the same pattern as previous ones. I realized this weekend that I am "white knuckling." At some point the urges will get the better of me and I will fail.
I will fail unless I take the necessary steps for recovery. I have been attending the 12 steps meetings at least once a week. I have been trying to go twice a week. This has been a great help to me. They have helped me to see that I am not alone. That I can open up and share with other people, to overcome the shame. But this is just not enough. The addiction is too deep.
I said that I have been sober for almost a month. This is partially true. I have been sober from indulging in pornography, masturbation, and even lustful fantasies. This is a huge step for me. This is great progress. However, these addictions are only symptoms of the real addiction. The addiction that I struggle with is Lust. Jesus said "…whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). I already said that I have been able to keep my thoughts clear of lustful fantasies. This is true but I still lust after women. Through my recovery reading I have discovered that it is common for men with this addiction to judge a woman based on his perception of her as a sexual partner. I am guilty of this. This is why I can't say that I have been completely sober. It may be at the grocery store, when I am driving down the road, or even at church, I will see a woman and lust in this way. It is hardest when I see a woman that is immodestly dressed. I have always hoped that other people don't notice me staring. The shame however isn't usually strong enough to keep me from looking.
The usual pattern of my rounds of recovery starts with this lust. It then progresses to lustful fantasies which lead to indulging in pornography and masterbation. Then I have to lie to my wife to cover it up. Eventually I feel so guilty that I confess to my wife, or she catches me (which is usually the case). Then I begin the recovery process over again. How can I break this vicious cycle? I need help, professional help. I have made the decision to go back to a pornography addiction recovery specialist that I have seen in the past. I didn't like him before. I didn't like him because he was making me confront the things that I needed to. I was too afraid, too ashamed. This specialist is also involved with LifeStar. I have decided that my wife and I both need to go through the program. I have always worried about the financial cost of LifeStar. I have used this as an excuse not to go. While this is a valid excuse, the real reason is because I am so afraid of opening up, of sharing myself, of finding out the root causes of my addiction. I now realize that the financial cost is very little compared to the emotional, spiritual, and even physical costs this addiction has inflicted on me and my family.
For anyone struggling with this addiction, I recommend getting professional help. I have heard that LifeStar is a great program. I researched the cost this morning. It really isn't that much when you take into account what you get from the program. We can find the money. It may mean selling some of our worldly possessions, but we can find the money.
I am grateful for my wife who has had the patience to wait for me to get to this point. I know it hasn't been easy for her. We have had many disagreements about getting the professional help that I need. We have had a rough time. We haven't been very happy together. But she has stayed with me. I know I haven't deserved this. I look forward to recovery. I look forward to becoming a happy couple. I look forward to helping our children to avoid this horrible affliction. I look forward to the redeeming love of my Savior Jesus Christ.
B.
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