A Recovery Metaphor

I'm not sure if I have mentioned before that we have been attending Phase I of LifeStar, in case I haven't, we are. We are in week five. Tonight was the second week that we have had a couple come and speak to us about their recovery. It is always very powerful to hear others stories and about their recovery. Tonight though, the wife shared a metaphor with us in response to my question, and it was such a great picture for me that I had to share it with you.

My question for her was about how she avoids comparing her recovery to someone else's. This is because of the guilt I sometimes (though less frequently now) have because my husband "just" has a porn addiction and hasn't had an actual affair. I know, I know, intellectually at least, I know, that  trauma is trauma no matter what…but emotionally it is still hard for me not to feel like I shouldn't feel as devastated as I do. So, her analogy was this (and it was actually great because she talked about comparing her recovery to her husband's). I am paraphrasing, so the wording isn't exact, but the meaning will still be the same.

Imagine, if you will, that you are a fawn in a glade, a beautiful meadow. Out of nowhere you are shot by a hunter. There you are bleeding out on the ground, you need help. Is that hunter able to provide you with the support you need to stop bleeding and start to heal? Nope! He is not equipped to help you when he is the one that inflicted the harm.

In other words, the hunter has to focus on the recovery from being the one to shoot you (and for why he needed to hunt in the first place) and you have to recover from being shot! His recovery is his own and your recovery is your own! Holy crap! That was a pretty great visual for me! 

The therapist running our group went on to use the metaphor to elaborate on comparing our own pain and trauma to that of another betrayed wife (again paraphrased). He said, you've been shot, period. You're going to the hospital. I don't care if you were "just" shot with a 22 gauge shell, a 9 mm handgun, a AK47…being shot is being shot. Everyone is going to feel the pain and be wounded regardless of the weapon used to do the wounding. 

That was the perfect way to describe it to me. It just resonated with me. It is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, sad and traumatized. These things are my right to feel as the wounded fawn. I have been shot and I have been traumatized because of it! I get it. I can't promise I won't have to remember this metaphor, sometimes on a daily basis, but now I have it to remember. Now I have something that makes sense to me about my trauma. I just have to say it again…I've been shot.

We do not have to justify our pain! 

Wounded but healing,

T.