One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Owning Our Stories

I am sure many of you have heard of Brene Brown and her research on vulnerability, if not look her up, she is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! She researches about shame and vulnerability. Her work on being ourselves and loving ourselves is very powerful. She just gets what it is to be an emotionally healthy human being.

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." -Brene Brown from The Gifts of Imperfection

I have been working on owning my own story for quite sometime now. Learning how to share parts of myself and be vulnerable. I'm getting much better at that. The loving myself through the process is where I'm really struggling. I really do love the person I am inside. I feel beautiful inside most of the time. It's my outside that I struggle to not loathe, let alone love. That is a painful realization for me and one that I do not share easily. I have started seeing my LifeStar group leader for individual counseling recently and just told her how I felt. It was so incredibly hard to admit it out loud. I'm not sure I have ever actually admitted it to myself until just the last couple of weeks. It is painful to know that my outsides don't match my insides. I've really evaluated why I loathe my body because I have been trying to reconcile the hatred I have for it for the new found love I have of my spirit and gifts. It's very hard to reconcile the two because they cannot be reconciled. What I came to the conclusion of is that yes, I do hate the way I look, but if that's all it was I think I could find a way to love myself in spite of it. I hate the fact that I feel like I have betrayed my health and body and that in turn now it is betraying me. I hate that I can't do the things I want to do because of my weight and health issues. I hate that I can't keep up with my family and friends. I hate that I can't ride roller coasters because I can't fit in the safety belts (yes, I know this for a fact because twice in the last year and a half I have tried and felt utter shame and humiliation at not being able to ride because I wouldn't fit). Even writing this is causing me so much shame and anxiety.

I have fought long and hard to believe that B.'s pornography addiction was not because of me. I used to always think, if only I was skinnier, if only I was more beautiful. I could've if only'd myself forever and it would only have caused me more shame. I do not believe that because I am obese and unhealthy that B. turns to porn. That is not something I will own anymore. His addiction is all about his mismanagement of his emotions and not how I look, act, behave, will or won't do. I still have to occasionally remind myself of these facts, but I now wholeheartedly believe them, before they were just empty words I was supposed to believe.

I want to lay out a disclaimer here though, I want to lose weight, badly. I can understand my husband's feelings of hopelessness surrounding his addiction. I feel hopeless a lot of the time about ever improving my body. The second part of the disclaimer is that I don't want to lose weight to get to be a certain weight or size. I have no intention of looking like today's underweight, big chested specimen that seems to be what is desirable. I want to lose weight to be healthy. I want to lose weight to be able to enjoy a long and active life. I want to be able to enjoy spending time actively and not feel like it is a monumental effort. I don't have unrealistic expectations or a certain end weight or size in mind. I just want to not loathe my body.

This is not at all where I planned this post to go, but apparently it's where I needed it to go. I hope by being vulnerable I can open some eyes and hearts. I hope those eyes and hearts include mine.

Owning my story,

T.