Owning Our Stories

I am sure many of you have heard of Brene Brown and her research on vulnerability, if not look her up, she is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! She researches about shame and vulnerability. Her work on being ourselves and loving ourselves is very powerful. She just gets what it is to be an emotionally healthy human being.

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." -Brene Brown from The Gifts of Imperfection

I have been working on owning my own story for quite sometime now. Learning how to share parts of myself and be vulnerable. I'm getting much better at that. The loving myself through the process is where I'm really struggling. I really do love the person I am inside. I feel beautiful inside most of the time. It's my outside that I struggle to not loathe, let alone love. That is a painful realization for me and one that I do not share easily. I have started seeing my LifeStar group leader for individual counseling recently and just told her how I felt. It was so incredibly hard to admit it out loud. I'm not sure I have ever actually admitted it to myself until just the last couple of weeks. It is painful to know that my outsides don't match my insides. I've really evaluated why I loathe my body because I have been trying to reconcile the hatred I have for it for the new found love I have of my spirit and gifts. It's very hard to reconcile the two because they cannot be reconciled. What I came to the conclusion of is that yes, I do hate the way I look, but if that's all it was I think I could find a way to love myself in spite of it. I hate the fact that I feel like I have betrayed my health and body and that in turn now it is betraying me. I hate that I can't do the things I want to do because of my weight and health issues. I hate that I can't keep up with my family and friends. I hate that I can't ride roller coasters because I can't fit in the safety belts (yes, I know this for a fact because twice in the last year and a half I have tried and felt utter shame and humiliation at not being able to ride because I wouldn't fit). Even writing this is causing me so much shame and anxiety.

I have fought long and hard to believe that B.'s pornography addiction was not because of me. I used to always think, if only I was skinnier, if only I was more beautiful. I could've if only'd myself forever and it would only have caused me more shame. I do not believe that because I am obese and unhealthy that B. turns to porn. That is not something I will own anymore. His addiction is all about his mismanagement of his emotions and not how I look, act, behave, will or won't do. I still have to occasionally remind myself of these facts, but I now wholeheartedly believe them, before they were just empty words I was supposed to believe.

I want to lay out a disclaimer here though, I want to lose weight, badly. I can understand my husband's feelings of hopelessness surrounding his addiction. I feel hopeless a lot of the time about ever improving my body. The second part of the disclaimer is that I don't want to lose weight to get to be a certain weight or size. I have no intention of looking like today's underweight, big chested specimen that seems to be what is desirable. I want to lose weight to be healthy. I want to lose weight to be able to enjoy a long and active life. I want to be able to enjoy spending time actively and not feel like it is a monumental effort. I don't have unrealistic expectations or a certain end weight or size in mind. I just want to not loathe my body.

This is not at all where I planned this post to go, but apparently it's where I needed it to go. I hope by being vulnerable I can open some eyes and hearts. I hope those eyes and hearts include mine.

Owning my story,

T.