A Week of Up and Down

I have a lot to say today because I have been putting off blogging as it has been a crazy week, and I wanted to do some reflection before I wrote it out. I am not sure if it will end up being one post or more, so buckle in while it pours itself out.

This week I got an email from one of my virtual support friends. In it she asked me a question that I had to really think about. She asked about how I feel about my relationship with B? Wow, I guess I don't really talk about that much here, but when we check in every night I try to honestly evaluate that. The answer varies but all-in-all underlying it is two main emotions, resignation and acceptance. Those might not sound like very affirming emotions, but to me they are. I have reluctantly accepted that this is the course our relationship has to take right now and I have accepted that whatever happens it is in Heavenly Father's hands. I am reluctant to hope for healing right now because it hurts so much each time that hope is squashed. I am reluctant to give my whole heart to B until he has shown he can take care of it. I have accepted that B knows what I need to continue working on healing our marriage and that it is up to him to either work on those or not.  I have accepted that I too have flaws and am actively working on those. I have accepted that this process is time consuming, hard and long and that the timing is not up to me entirely (the only part I have control over is how actively I work my own recovery). I have accepted that I need to work my own recovery and healing and that my relationship will never be able to heal if I don't do those things. I have been reluctant to turn my fears about my marriage over to God but I have accepted that as I have done so, I have had peace. So for now, I am reluctantly accepting that we are on this journey and it is a process that is ever changing and evolving as we both learn and grow.

The next part I have to preface with a little bit of my own personal history. I was truly blessed to be able to live my entire life, until I got married, in the same house. What this meant was that because my family, and others like us, chose to stay grounded in one home I have friends that I don't remember meeting, we have literally been friends our entire lives. We firmly believe that before we came to Earth we were bound together in Heaven. I don't know what I would've done without these friends. One of these dear friend's husband has been valiantly and with all his might, fighting cancer for about the last five years. I found out from her sister on Tuesday that he was back in the hospital and that they were having to make some hard decisions because there are no more treatment options available. Ultimately they decided that he would come home and they would do what they could to keep him comfortable. She is only forty years old and he a few years older! Nobody should have to make those excruciating decisions at such a young age (or ever)! Wednesday I was aching so much for my friend. All I wanted was to be able to do something to help ease her pain. Part of the problem is that we are now more than four hours apart and so it wasn't physically feasible for me to be there. I have arranged what I could through others, I have reached out through text and phone to let her know I'm thinking about her. I have prayed for both her and her husband. But what I really needed Wednesday was to be held and allowed to cry and grieve for my friend and for the heartache I am feeling for her and for my own feelings of helplessness at easing her burden. I needed that from B. I needed him to be able to sit with me in my pain and hold me and be strong for me. He couldn't because he chose to act out twice on Wednesday. It hurt so much more knowing that I literally had nobody to hold me, nobody to comfort me physically at least. After a good long cry and some fervent prayer, I felt held and comforted by my Father in Heaven. His love was evident to me that night.

While I still find myself spilling tears around this event, I have found so much peace this week and it has been so healing. I still cry off and on for my friend, my heart is just aching for her and her little family. I am crying for all the times that I have had to be strong for myself and my family, because I had nobody else to turn to. I cry because the pain of the betrayal of all the things we have lost to this damn addiction make my grief come in waves. Sometimes I just cry because it feels good to let that pain go. For so many years I have not let myself feel the pain and it really feels good to be able to let it go (and I'm really sorry if you are singing that silly song from Frozen in your head now). This whole process is painful, but I know on the other side I will come out stronger for it.

All of that grief and sadness aside, there was one positive in the whole thing, I saw tangible evidence of recovery from B. He DID act out twice on Wednesday, and I DID take it personally as his choice of his addiction over me (I'll get to that in a minute), BUT he TOOK ACCOUNTABILITY for it! When I came home and he knew I needed comfort and to be held, before he reached out and gave me that he told me about his acting out. He knew it would hurt me and that I would be upset, but he also knew that if he allowed himself to provide me the comfort that I needed physically and emotionally and THEN told me or let me find out the truth, that I would feel so much more betrayed. He was 100% right. If i had found out after the fact that he allowed himself to act the part of a supportive husband all while withholding the truth from me, I would feel so much more betrayed. It is painful that he chose to act out and therefore was not a safe person to share my grief with. I will not however, fault him for telling me, that is progress and that is what I need to see.

Here's where I tell you about me taking his slip as a personal affront and about my LifeStar group calling me on my shit in a loving and compassionate way. What I said was "It just hurts so much that he chose his addiction over me." One of my group members asked our leader if sex addiction was the same as drug addiction and sometimes just not within your control. She was going to let it slide that night as I was so upset, but I'm glad she didn't. She reinforced gently the things I already know but had chosen to ignore at that particular moment. Logically I know that he got to a point (after not actively working recovery for a few weeks and not reaching out and using his tools) where acting out was pretty much inevitable. He was too far overcome by his addiction to find his way out at that moment. I know his brain is broken and that he was in addict mode with no way out that he could find at that particular moment. That in no way excuses his actions. He is still responsible ultimately, because he chose to not actively work on his recovery and to not reach out. He chose to not use his tools. But that choice was made weeks before that day. He still chose not to fight, but it wasn't that day that the choice was made. I love having people in my life that can safely call me on my shit and help me pull myself out of victim mode. It really is an amazing warrior community that I am surrounded by!

I have more to tell you, but no time to tell it right now. In my next post I will try to remember to tell you about enforcing my boundaries and B's birthday this week.

Accepting with resignation,

T.

Rescuing vs. Compassion/Empathy

One of the things we learned about in Phase I of LifeStar is the Drama Triangle. If you don't know what that is you can learn more here. Basically it talks about how when we enter drama or conflict we often assume a certain role most often or have a couple we switch back and forth between. The three rolls are victim, rescuer and persecutor. Hands down I am a rescuer. I have actually known that about myself for a very long time. What I struggle with the most is how to break out of that. How do I not be a rescuer? Where is the balance between rescuing someone (especially B) and having compassion on them. I am sincerely struggling with this.

I have really tried to recognize lately when we are in drama and do my best to walk away from it. I am not always successful. I have slipped into both persecutor and victim roles easily lately and I think it's partly in an effort to stay out of the role of rescuer. I am just really struggling to find the balance between being compassionate while holding B accountable and rescuing him. I have most often been the one to step in and rescue him by being the first to make an attempt to make up. Usually through a physical gesture or sexual overture. I often will be the one who takes care of a lot of the responsibilities to keep the family running. I was always so hungry for peace and connection that I rushed in to achieve that in any way possible. I have stopped doing that.

I have asked B repeatedly for what I need right now to feel safe and start to trust. He can't say that he doesn't know, yet he maintains that he isn't giving me those things because I am just so angry all the time. We are back to the chicken and the egg dilemma. How do we separate the chicken and the egg and get out of this cycle?

I could go back to always being the first to apologize and reach out in a physical display of affection. The problem with that is that I don't feel safe, loved or cherished and I have no desire to keep sharing myself physically when I feel so unimportant to B. I really want him to stop giving me half hearted apologies and show me that he loves and appreciates me and that he is committed to recovery.  Until that happens I don't see myself being willing to take down any walls.

B feels like because I am trying to get out of the role of rescuer that I have stepped in to the role of persecutor and that I am nothing but angry all the time. That may be true. I am frequently angry, but even I can see that is covering up the hurt underneath. Because B feels that I have been giving him nothing but anger, I tried being vulnerable last night. I tried sharing some of the pain I was feeling and a realization that hit me yesterday. He listened and I felt like he was digesting it and working through it, but today I feel like that never happened. He keeps telling me that he knows this is really hard on me and that he understand my hurt, but he isn't making any strong work to help lift that burden at all. I tried to share that burden last night and it seemed like he helped carry it then, but I'm left holding it all again today. I'm exhausted from carrying the burden. I need a partner. I need a helpmeet. I need a husband who loves and cherishes me to help me carry the load. Right now, I don't have that.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how I can show B compassion without rescuing him I would love to hear them. I'm am emotionally and physically wrung out and I don't know how to move forward.

Former rescuer seeking compassion,

T.