Changes

I wasn't sure I was going to post this here, but I feel like I need to. Please know that this is something I am extremely tender about and it incredibly important to me. There are some pretty specific details here regarding my boundaries and their application to our current situation. Some content may be triggering.

Friday night was hard, but not as hard as I anticipated it being. I gave B. my boundaries for in-home separation. I feel so much peace around my decisions. I fear an even harder one is coming to actually have a physical separation...but it's not time to cross that bridge yet. We have to share a room still because we only have 3 bedrooms and our kids can't share (boy/girl thing). He really wants to sleep on the couch but I won't let him because I don't want him in our living room...I already have to work in the living room, it needs to not be a bedroom too. That was the only boundary he pushed back on. I just feel peace and that is such a good thing. If anyone is interested here are the boundaries I gave him (please ask if you have any questions, and I love feedback...I went over them with my therapist and she thought they were great):

-Beds separated (our king size bed is actually 2 twin beds pushed together)

-Complete privacy while I am showering/changing (do not even come in the bathroom while I am showering)

-No physical touch unless initiated by me (hugs, kisses, hand-holding, etc.)

-No sex

-No dating for now

-Assigned nights for dinner each week based on our schedules, including clean-up

-Shared responsibility for kid transportation to be determined weekly based on schedules

-I have complete control over our finances, we will have a set time each week to review upcoming bills and deposits - I will turn our debit cards off unless we need them for a pre-approved purpose, otherwise we need to speak with the other about any spending - Allowances to be negotiated

-We are each responsible for picking up our own prescriptions and making our own appointments, may ask for help as needed, each is allowed to refuse

-Cleaning schedules and responsibilities to be determined

-Decluttering and organization to be done together as possible

Update the day after: You guys, I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Today, the day after presenting these to B., I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations and truly surrender him to my Father in Heaven. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Separately peaceful,

T.

Grief, Peace and Gratitude for The Plan

This has been one very long and emotionally taxing week…but it was also a week of peace. It seems odd to me that both can coexist so easily, but they did for me this week. Remember my last post? I was so angry and didn't seem to be able to let go of that anger. That's not the case today, the anger is gone and peace has taken it's place.

I was truly blessed to be able to grow up in the same house and with the same friends until I left home. To this day, those friends are some of my closest. I love these friends as if they were blood. This week I grieve with one of those friends. Her husband finally succumbed to the cancer that has been plaguing him for the last four years. My heart aches because this amazingly strong woman has to raise her children alone without her husband at her side. He has been at her side and making the most of the time he had. He had his faults just like anyone else, but he was there, active in his family life and being a companion to my friend.

He fought with all he had to beat the cancer, and he maintained the upper hand throughout most of that fight. He didn't let his diagnosis and prognosis rule his life, he just simply fought and lived the best way he knew how. He fought! That's what hit me so hard at the funeral. How hard he fought. It hit me right then that it was no different than what I want of my husband…for him to fight. I want B. to fight for our family because he does have a choice and he can use every weapon available to him to FIGHT! What was strange though was that I wasn't angry or sad about my situation when I thought that, it just was. It actually gave me a measure of peace and understanding to have an example of what fighting looks like.

The funeral was so incredibly challenging but at the same time there was such a feeling of celebration of my friend's life. He was truly a warrior in every sense of the word. I am so truly blessed to believe that there is a plan that will allow my sweet friend and her warrior husband to be reunited and live as man and wife eternally. It is often the only measure of peace that I can find surrounding death. The peace of knowing that life doesn't end here but continues on.

I also got to spend three days with my sister recharging my self-care batteries. It was exactly what I needed. I got to be there to love and support my friend and I got to recharge at the same time. It helped me find a measure of peace and perspective that has been lacking from my life for a while.

I also, unfortunately, brought a nasty virus home with me and I physically feel miserable. B. thought I was mad at him tonight because I came in and went straight to the bedroom to lie down. I reassured him that I wasn't angry just exhausted and feeling miserable. It was nice to be able to communicate that to him and clear the air so tension didn't grow from the unexpressed emotions. We're working on that communication thing!

I am still aching for my friend and I know she has many hard roads ahead. I am so blessed that I get to travel some of them with her. She is truly a strong and inspirational woman. I love you my friend! Thank you for letting me be there with you in your grief.

Finding peace in The Plan,

T.

My Heart Is Full

Tonight my heart is full. It is still carrying hurt and anger but it is also carrying joy, love and a small measure of peace. I'm not ready for Christmas, I don't even know what we will be eating. The presents aren't all wrapped, probably not even all bought, but it's ok. I am feeling joy, love and a small measure of peace because right now I can feel His love. I have been touched by the love of my Heavenly Father. He is carrying me. I can turn it over for this moment and let him have it.

A Little Lighter,

T.