Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

My Emotional First Aid Kit

When I was preparing for disclosure and for dealing with Betrayal Trauma in general, my therapist encouraged me to make an Emotional First Aid Kit. It was my strength and will continue to serve me as I move through recovery and life. I wanted to share with you some of the items for this kit that I found the most helpful.

The very first thing is to have good support. I have found an amazing group of women on FaceBook that have lifted me up the last few months. The Togetherness Community on FB is a secret group and that means nobody but those in the group can see that you are a part of it or anything you comment or post in it. If anyone reading this isn't part of that group and would like to be please email me at awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com for details and/or an invitation. These amazing ladies are the sisters I have needed during this trial.

Here are some the actual physical items I included and why I decided to include them:

-Pictures - I have pictures of my grandparents (my grandma was my absolute safe person and I really miss her during times like this), a picture of my family when I was little (to remind me how much my family loves me), my book club (these have been my peeps for fifteen years and always have my back even though we are separated physically) and my family now (to remind me what I'm fighting for).

-Modeling clay - to have something to use to keep my hands busy (although I would recommend not buying colored clay as I looked like a Smurf by the time disclosure was over). It was so very therapeutic to be able to work it over and mold it.

-My ratty falling apart blanket that my grandma made me - again she was my safe person and the blanket wraps me in her love. I rarely allow myself to use it as it is in bad shape, but I felt I needed it this time.

-My stuffed black cat, Shadow (yes he has a name) - my sister gave him to me when I had surgery about seven years ago and when I need her and she can't be with me, my cat helps me feel her love.

-My worry stones (they even have names, I'll spare you those embarrassing details, but my kiddos helped me name them) - they serve a dual purpose: a - they give me something else I can keep in my hands to be able to have something to keep them busy and b - they remind me that something beautiful can come out of a trial because the four shiny ones started out rough and marked and came out of the tumbler shiny and smooth and the other one is a rock from the beach that has been worn smooth over time by water and sand.

-My Togetherness Project necklace - I wear this everyday as a reminder of the sister warriors that are supporting me all the time. It was a great reminder to me the last couple of days because these amazing sisters have texted me to make sure I am doing ok and provide encouragement and love. I hope they know how much it has meant to me.

-My therapist's cell phone number - because she's awesome like that and I did text her a couple times. She has been amazingly encouraging.

-My journal and a pen - because it helps to write things down and get my thoughts out so they don't go around and around in my head

-Tissues - that ones pretty self explanatory - to mop up the tears.

-My Dammit Doll - just see the picture below and it will be self explanatory.

-My scriptures and my prayers - because without the love and support of my Father in Heaven I would not be able to survive this trial.

I had a lot of other things in my industrial sized first aid kit for this weekend, but I keep my worry stones with me and wear my necklace every day to remind me of all the love and support I have. I would encourage anyone that hasn't made at least a simple Emotional First Aid kit to do so soon. Even if your trials are not the same as mine, everyone has trials and can benefit from items to help them get through.

Aided in my trials,

T.

Finally…What I've Been Waiting 17 Years For

This is the continuation of this post, so if you haven't read that one I would recommend reading it first.

B and I talked and talked, and I cried a lot, and he cried a little. We talked and cried some more, for about three hours. It was EXHAUSTING both physically and emotionally. It started out with both of us trying to get the other to see our point of view. I'm really not sure what happened to change the conversation…well by this point it was more of a very sincere monologue on my part. 

This frequently happens, I talk and talk and talk (I am working on this) and he retreats and retreats and retreats (he is working on this). This time something I said hit it's mark. I'm not sure what. I'm not sure when. But I do know how…his heart was softened by our Heavenly Father. That is the only explanation I have. I have waited seventeen years for him to realize that what he has put me through and what I have felt (or not allowed myself to feel as the case has been for many years) has been excruciatingly painful for me.  It's like he finally understood a little bit. The best part is the end of the conversation that pretty much left me speechless…

HE APOLOGIZED!!! Humbly, sincerely (I could feel the sincerity) and from his heart apologized for all the pain he has caused me. Holy shit! Ok sorry for that, but it was a moment I thought I would never see. It meant more to me than I can even describe. My husband, who has only thought of himself and what he needed for as long as I can remember, finally had a little bit of empathy for me. I am still in awe of the humility he showed. It really was a moment I want to cherish and reflect on because I know we will have many more rough patches ahead. 

In awe,

T.

I Was Ready…Until I Wasn't

This has been a week of up, down and around. A week of tears, yelling, tears, shame, tears, drama, tears and pain. It's also been a week of peace, tears, healing, tears, humility, tears, accountability, tears, hope and tears. In case you didn't catch on there has been a lot of crying happening around here this week. Most of it by me, but some by B as well.

This might come out a bit disjointed and it might be a long post but I really want to be able to look back at this week later and learn from it and remember the positives of it.

Let me preface this by saying that for weeks B has been working with his therapist to prepare his disclosure to me. This is a formal written accountability and timeline of his addiction. Including time, durations and frequency as best as he can remember them. He will then present it to me in a session with his therapist (I chose his therapist, because he has worked with both of us, and honestly to me my therapist is my safe place and I didn't want disclosure to happen in her office). He has either not been adequately prepared for this or he has been in denial about what  huge impact this is going to have for me. As you read the story that follows you will understand why I say that.

B let me know at the end of the week last week that he was ready to give disclosure and we scheduled it for next Wednesday afternoon. I was ready, until I wasn't. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I didn't want disclosure the day before Thanksgiving. I didn't want to be an emotional mess for my kids that weekend and I didn't want every Thanksgiving to be tainted by the reminder of disclosure. I moved the appointment to the next Thursday. He started to worry when he found out that disclosure was going to happen in his therapists office because he thought that he'd just be able to give it to me at home. Then when I moved the appointment he was even more worried because he didn't understand why I thought it wasn't a great idea to have it around Thanksgiving.

When I saw my therapist early this week and let her know disclosure was scheduled she and I talked about my safety plan. I had already taken that day off work and was planning to bring separate cars to the appointment. She told me that it is standard to have the husband find somewhere else (that is a safe place for me to have him be) to stay until I invite him back home. She said I should also probably have a support person or two meet me at the therapists office to be my support afterwards. She also wanted to make sure I had my "first aid kit" ready for use and a couple of different plans depending on whether I wanted to be alone or whether I wanted support around me. She advised that I should have a plan for my kids as well. This all surprised me a bit and made me reconsider whether I could be ready by the week after Thanksgiving. I decided that because of personal and work commitments that I couldn't get out of for that week I would put it off one more week. I rescheduled it for the afternoon of December 12th and it is currently still scheduled for then.

After my appointment I called to tell B about what my therapist had told me and I gave him a couple of suggestions as to where he could stay. I could tell he was starting to withdraw and shut down when he told me we would talk about it later, I could just hear it in his voice. I started to get a bit worried as well, it seemed logistically like it was going to take a lot of work.

When I got home I could tell he was upset and we started to talk about what we were going to do. He went into victim mode and started talking about how hard it was going to be for him to share all this with me and how he is going to need support and how he wasn't going to be able to take care of the kids. This set me off because he just wasn't "getting" how he has known about these behaviors for thirty years and he has been working for weeks on getting them written which has given him time to process them some. For me though, it's going to be thirty years of addiction condensed down to an hour and while I'm not expecting any huge surprises, some of it is going to be very painful to hear. I was given the chance to ask any questions I wanted and I gave him some hard questions to answer. They will be hard for him to answer if the answers are yes and they are going to be hard for me to hear if the answers are yes as well. The other element that I am really struggling with is wondering if this is truly a full disclosure because of his own confessions to me last week. When I confronted him about his lying last week, I asked him if he had talked to his therapist about the behaviors and the lying, he said he hadn't. Then I asked him if he had planned to include it in his disclosure and he admitted that he hadn't planned to do that either. When I asked him how I was supposed to trust that it was a full disclosure when I knew already he had planned to withhold information from it, he didn't have any good answer other than that I just am. My worry was further antagonized by the fact that he reacted so poorly when confronted with the facts of how difficult this is going to be for me. I realize that honesty is hard for him because he has lied for so long. I realize that it is shame based. Just because I understand those things doesn't make it hurt any less.

We didn't get much resolved other than more hurt. I was walking out of the room and he quietly and humbly admitted that he was scared. I was so upset that I responded in one of the worst ways I could to his sincere admission. I said "Maybe you should be scared. Maybe if you had been more scared the last seventeen years we wouldn't be here now." I promptly left the room as we had to get ready to go to Pack Meeting for my son.

I took some deep breaths and decided I needed to distance myself emotionally or I was just going to keep being hurt and trying to hurt him back. He texted me at pack meeting emphasizing how hard disclosure is going to be for him and how hurt he was…something like that. I don't want to go back and read them because it is still painful. I texted him back an explanation I had given him and sent him a link to this post on A Wife Redeemed. That night I honestly don't remember if we talked anymore at all, I don't think we did more than what was absolutely necessary of two people living in the same space.

The next morning he got out of the shower and came back to bed because he wanted to snuggle me so he could be reassured and be loved. I barely woke up, but I was awake enough to realize that that was probably what he wanted. I was still in self protection mode and just went back to sleep. I was getting up just as he was leaving and I got a text from him saying how hurt he was. He was still in victim mode and wanting to find his validation of self worth from me. 

 Rejection is a huge trigger for him and he really has no idea how to deal with it. He feels that when I distance myself from him and enforce my boundaries that I am rejecting him. In actuality I am protecting myself from his addict behaviors and not from him. It's going to be a struggle to find ways to work through that. I digress.

Throughout the morning we had a text conversation because we were both at work. I didn't want to reread these texts because some of them were so hurtful, but I did for the sake of accuracy (remember I want to learn and grow from this, so it needs to be truthful). He basically said that he was hurting and that he wanted a date with me that night so we could talk. I told him okay but he needed to plan it because he hadn't liked the idea I had come up with (which was to see The 100 Foot Journey). The conversation kept on in that vein of me enforcing my boundary and speaking plainly and him heaping blame on me for him not feeling loved. The following was the pinnacle of the conversation on both sides:

B - "I'm not sure how I am going to make it through the rest of the day. You are being so cold to me. I just need a little love. Stop being so mean."

T - "I am really trying. I have no more fight left in me for this conversation. You will need to reach out to someone else. I have given you options for when I will be able to talk to you, but I have a lot of work to do if I ever want to come home tonight and I can't keep having this conversation if I'm going to get that done. Right now I'm sitting on a rock looking at the river crying. I need to be able to focus so I can get back to work and get done so we can talk. I won't be responding to anymore texts for now. Please don't miss our son's parent teacher conference because if you do it's not me you will be hurting it is him."

B - "I didn't mean to hurt you."

I will admit this text absolutely baffled me. Really!?! How did you think I would react. Of course I was hurt and upset. It took me until about 11:00 in the morning to finally be able to focus on work and get something done.

I extended an olive branch in the hopes of getting some actually meaningful conversation happening. I made arrangements for our son to go to a movie with a friend and his mom. Our daughter was going to hang out at a friend's house. I stopped and picked up what he wanted for dinner. I felt like I was the one being left hung out to dry and yet I consciously chose to try and reach out to him. It was very difficult and I questioned whether I was just enabling his broken brain behavior (ha! BBB - broken brain behavior). In the end, I am very glad I did.

This next part deserves it's own post…so this story is to be continued...

Music Speaks To Me - Part 2

Just a short while after "Brave" spoke to me, "Deamons" by Imagine Dragons came on the radio. Imagine Dragons is one of my all time favorite bands and I've always liked this song, but this time it was like it was being sung just for me. I have highlighted the words that jumped out at me and screamed "THIS IS WHAT ADDICTION FEELS LIKE!". It was like this is the demon we are battling and a little bit of what B sometimes feels like (as well as what I felt like when I have been in the thick of my compulsive eating addiction). 

Demons by Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call

It's the last of all

When the lights fade out

All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave

And the masquerade

Will come calling out

At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down

But I am hell bound

Though this is all for you

Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I wanna save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

I don't know what it was about Saturday but I was comforted greatly by music, not religious music, not even spiritual music. Just regular everyday mainstream music. It was awesome!

Music Speaks to Me - Part I

Music used to always touch me. I could hear a song and be touched to my core and pull out lyrics that said just what I was feeling. The last few years I have lost that. This last Saturday I heard the music again. It touched me. It healed a little piece of me. It helped put words to my struggle. 

The first song that made me pause, or more truthfully made me cry, was Brave by Sara Bareilles. I have loved this song since the first time I heard it. I have always wanted it to be my theme song for my daughter. I want her to embrace who she is. This time I heard words meant just for me. I have to share those words with you. (I have changed the words that just hit me to red and highlighted them in yellow). It's time I stop hiding and start fighting. It's time I have empathy for others around me that are fighting their own battles. It's time I speak up. I AM BRAVE!

Brave by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,

Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy

Fallen for the fear

And done some disappearing,

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence

Won’t do you any good,

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

See you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

Singing,

T.

A Road Trip, Me Time and Catharsis

I'm just going to warn you up front that this is most likely going to be a lengthy post and may not be digestible in one sitting. It promises to reveal a lot about my recovery to me though, so I am writing exactly what I need to, no matter how long it ends up being. I don't normally include personal pictures here, but this was what my workspace looked like this morning.

Yesterday one of my coworkers came to visit me and brought me some fun things for my surgical recovery. It was a great visit and she threw out, "Hey, I am going to visit my husband on his travel assignment and I know your sister is nearby, we have room why don't you come?" I initially dismissed it as an impossibility, but quickly rethought as I have been missing my sister and parents a lot lately and it would be great to see them. My kids already had plans to go spend a couple nights with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I knew it would probably not be a problem for them to stay all weekend, so that wasn't a concern. B has to work today and tomorrow so I was going to be home alone anyway those two days. I am off work and really had nothing planned, so I decided as long as B didn't have any major reason why I shouldn't go, that I would jump at the chance. Today finds me all alone in my parents house (as they are out of town) and wow has it been a day. Like I said, my parents are out of town (just until tomorrow), my niece and nephew are in school and my sister and brother-in-law are working today. It turns out that time for me, all by myself with nothing at all scheduled or planned was exactly what I needed.

I was walking across the kitchen headed to get in the shower when mid-stride it was like I hit an emotional force field. I don't even know how to describe it. From one step to the next it was like a dam had broken open and all these sobs just started wracking my body. I mean literally out of nowhere. This has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I immediately knew that a lot of my numbness was gone and I was feeling again, feeling things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in years. I KNEW, as surely as I knew I needed to take my next breath, what I HAD to do. I needed to sit down right then and record my thoughts and feelings in order to process what was happening. What came out was a five page handwritten letter to my parents. It did not detail what our particular struggles are right now, but explained a little of what is going on. It was my opening to them to let them in and ask for their support. It actually shocked me. I had no intention of telling them, I haven't for a long time. It was such a surreal experience. I had to take a few breaks during writing because I was literally sobbing so hard that I couldn't see. I'm not sure I have ever cried that hard, not associated with my recovery, of that I'm certain. I have read accounts where other wives have talked about curling up on the floor sobbing, but I have never actually felt that way until today. That's what I wanted to do, curl up on the floor and sob. 

It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I don't want to forget what that letter says, so I am going to type it out here. Know that I am doing this for me and for B, so he can know what I shared with them. Feel free to continue reading if you would like to, if I had wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have shared it here. It may help someone else who is looking to build a bridge towards someone important to them. I have not rewritten or edited this letter at all, I am retyping it exactly as it came out as the time (other than where it was necessary to use only initials for privacy sake). 

Dar Mama & Daddy,

Thank you for letting me stay here, even though you didn't know I was coming. I guess I should say, thank you for always making me feel like I can call your home mine, even with I don't live here.

I know you always worry about me & that over the years I have given you plenty of reason to worry. I want you to know that you have taught me well, and that no matter what else happens, with you as my parents I will always be ok. I love you more than words can say.

I know you are probably worried about me traveling a week after surgery. I'm sure you are concerned for both my healing & my finances. Please put your minds to rest knowing that it's ok. I feel great. At this point fatigue is my only real issue. As for financially, there is very little expense to me. My friend was already coming, had room for one more & asked me to come with her. It was a good arrangement for both of us and just fell into place.

I needed to be here. I needed a few days to myself to not worry about my family or anyone else's schedule and this was the perfect solution. My kids already had plans to spend the weekend in C with M & S. B has to work Thursday & Friday. You guys won't be home until tomorrow night. M has to work the next 2 days. It was the perfect opportunity for me to spend some time alone with my thoughts & do some soul searching. 

I haven't wanted to/been ready to share some stuff with you, but I feel I need to now. I'm sure it's no mystery to you that mine is not a great marriage. I'm sure that is obvious every time we see you. Part of the reason I haven't wanted to tell you how bad it really is, is because you love me so much and want only the very best for me. I know you don't think B is the very best for me. I didn't want to give you one more reason to think that. My problems in my marriage didn't need that added pressure. That's on me to own & not you. I would've put the added pressure on and not you. Please know that I probably still won't share the details with you, but that I want to let you in so that you can be in my corner & know what is going on.

I was ready to leave B this spring. I was ready to file for divorce and end my 19 year marriage. But, I knew that I hadn't given every ounce of fight I had to give to save it. Neither one of us can bear all the blame for the problems in our marriage, and I knew that until I worked to fix me, I couldn't say that I had given all I have to give. I started seeing a counselor & then we went together. We are now both seeing individual counselors & attending group support meetings. We are both putting more effort into being our best selves & to mending our broken relationship. 

I am still struggling with a lot of things that I have shoved down for many years. It's hard and painful self-reflection…but I have faith that I will be a more whole person on the other side.  Thank you for having a safe place for me to come to be by myself for a couple of days to work on this. I have really needed it.

I am not writing this to you so that you have more cause to worry about me. Rather, I am writing it so that you will know that for the first time in years, I'm really trying to be the best me that I can be. I am working on my faith, building my testimony & healing what is broken inside me.

I love you both so much. I am so thankful that you were chosen to be my eternal parents. I want you to know the real me, the one that I have been hiding from almost everyone for a really long time. I'm not always a ray of sunshine to be around, frequently actually, I'm not (as if that surprises you). But, I want to be able to share those less than perfect parts of me with my parents who love me. I have missed you more than I have realized. We talk almost everyday, but rarely get below the surface. I know that's my fault, and I am working to change that. Thanks for loving me not matter what. Whatever I am going through, that is one thing I will always know is true. 

I hope you know that I love you both no matter what as well. I am so blessed to have both my parents still, & to be able to reach out to you. You have blessed me to have the Gospel in my life, and for that alone I am more grateful that words can express. But, you have also blessed both mine & my family's lives with physical abundance as well. Thank you for all you do for us. 

I love you both very much!

love,

T.

Joyfully Hopeful Breakdown Breakthrough

Twice in one day is a lot to blog, but I just need to today. Tonight I had a breakdown breakthrough. I know that those two words seem to contradict each other, but it's the only way to describe what happened. I had a breakdown tonight and in the process I had a huge emotional breakthrough. Well a huge breakthrough in identifying some of my emotions anyway.

I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.

I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).

It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE. 

I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn.  Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.

Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope). 

Joyfully hopeful,

T.

My Story

I know I have shared parts of my story on the blog, but after reading more on recovery, I feel the need to share my whole story, or my whole story up until this point.

I loved to flirt and date when I was a teenager and my number one goal in life was to get married and have babies. I loved being part of a family and wanted to start my own "happily ever after". My parents marriage wasn't always great, but I was going to do better, I was going to be happier. Oh to have the knowledge I have now and the optimism I had as a teenager. I have since come to realize that we create our "happily ever after" through hard work, sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and pain. I digress, I am putting the horse before the cart here by sharing what I have learned before sharing how I learned it.

As I was saying, I wanted to be married, badly. I wanted to be loved and cherished, taken care of and have someone to take care of. I'm not saying that I regret marrying my husband, because I don't. I love my husband and am sincerely working on being "in love" with him again. I want to rediscover that spark and light that first brought us together. Again, horse, cart, sorry, back on track. 

I met my husband country dancing. We both went dancing on Friday nights, him because his sister dragged him and me because I wanted to meet boys. We would both arrive a little early and help set up for the dance, we would both take a shift taking money at the door and then help clean up so that we could get in for free, since we were both in school. We were all part of the same group of friends, but I knew his brother and sisters more than I knew him. He was quiet and reserved and liked being in the background, where as I am anything but quiet and back then loved to goof around and be loud. I started scheduling my shifts to sit and take money at the same time as his, and I started attending some single adult dances that he helped with. All in hopes that he would ask me out. He didn't, not until I gave him my phone number and told him we should go fishing sometime (it was something we both liked to do). He finally asked me to go with him and his little brother fishing. On the way home his brother and I had a belching contest, I figured if he would ask me out again after that I had it made. Well he asked me out again the very next day and we were engaged two short months after that. 

We were young, I was 20 and he was 23 when we got engaged. Due to meddling parents on my side and hands-off parents on his side, we ended up postponing our original wedding date from December to March. This meant a seven month engagement to get into "trouble" morally as well as having to see both of our bishops. It finally got to the point where either we couldn't be alone together or we weren't going to make it to the Temple. We made it. During his Spring Break and the middle of my semester, we were sealed for time and all eternity in front of our family and friends.

The first year was hard (well every year was hard). We had NO IDEA what it took to run a household having never lived on our own (other than my husband's two year mission for our church which is a very "structured" living on your own). We didn't know how to manage money or pay bills, balance a checkbook or make a budget and stick to it. As I now reflect back on that time, a lot of our problems were a symptom of a bigger problem that I was not even aware of at the time. My husband's pornography addiction.

I'm not rewriting history here, I was not prepared to be a wife and we have had a lot of struggles that we didn't need to have because of it. I'm just saying that a lot of our problems were compounded by the person my husband became because of his pornography addiction. 

A couple of years into our marriage I was looking for ways for us to be closer and happier as a couple. We were at a local video store and I saw the porn movies and thought "maybe this will work". It only took a few times of watching together to "enhance our sex life" to realize they were doing more harm than good. We decided together not to watch anymore. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the problem.

A few years later, when we had one child I discovered that B had been looking at naked women and masturbating while I wasn't home. What!?! Why wasn't I enough? Maybe if I lose weight and get skinny he won't look at porn. Maybe if I have sex more and dress in sexy lingerie he won't need porn. It's taken me years and years to realize that it wouldn't matter if I was a Playboy Bunny willing to do whatever, whenever he wanted, it wouldn't "fix" his problem. I can't fix it for him, he has to do that. I still sometimes struggle to remember this.

I feel like I am rambling, but it seems like the only way I can get this whole story out. In bits and pieces as I remember them. I am sorry if it seems disjointed but I am telling it the only way I know how. It's my story to own, so I am owning it, in whatever disheveled way it comes out.

Many wives stories I have read talk about D-day. I don't remember a specific D-day. I remember several discoveries by myself, admissions by my husband, days I was ready to quit and days I just said "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em".  This has been a process of addiction, enabling, lies, hope, heartbreak, forgiveness, counseling, attempted recovery, selfishness, pain, betrayal and eventually hard and painful  work. Let me just share with you the most recent chapter in our story.

A few months ago, probably right around our anniversary in March or my 40th birthday in April, I'm not sure which, I had had enough. B was not working to recover. He was thoughtless, selfish and only looking out for himself. He had taken so much of my life that I was numb. I was numb to pain, numb to joy, just plain numb. I was done. I was done with my marriage. I knew I couldn't in good conscience leave B without knowing I had done everything in my power to make my marriage healthy, I'm just not built that way. I went to see a counselor and at first he refused to go with me. I knew I had to go and work on my own issues and fixing me before I could say I had given it all I had. The second visit he came with me to help participate in some testing the counselor wanted to do, and he continued seeing her with me after that. We worked with her, and she opened the doors for both of us to truly want to make an honest effort at saving our marriage. She is not a specialist in sexual addictions or recovery, so she could only take us so far, but she opened the door, and for that I will always be grateful.

We are now both seeing individual counselors that specialize in recovery from sexual addictions for addicts and spouses. I am working on my own recovery. I honestly didn't recognize in all my years of study, counseling and soul searching, that I had to recover too. I always wanted to be supportive and help B "fix" himself. It's only been the last few weeks that I have honestly realized that I need some serious "fixing" because of the betrayal I have felt. I was numb for so long that I didn't realize how much of my pain and hurt I had shoved inside. It came out in the form of orneriness, a food addiction and pure honest to goodness anger directed at my family. My kids have suffered because of this anger, and I am working on controlling it. 

I know that this is going to be a long journey. I know that I have a long ways to go before I will trust anyone in general again. I am hoping that B will continue to work on his recovery and try to gain my trust back as I heal. I am hesitantly hopeful for the first time, maybe the first time ever, that there might be a way of emerging from this pit with my marriage not only intact but stronger than it has ever been. I have bad days. I have good days. I am working through all the anger and trying to turn it into the will to fight FOR my family instead of fighting WITH my family.

I am broken, I am working at healing. It is a slow, painful and arduous process. I want to get better overnight. I want that peace now. I know that's not possible. I know that I have to walk the uphill battle before a little relief will gradually come. I am working everyday to turn this over to the Lord and let him guide me. I am praying for hope, healing and love to come into my family.

Sharing my story,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Roller Coaster Emotions

This last week has been very up and down for me emotionally. I have wanted to blog for days now, but have been so exhausted emotionally and physically that I just haven't been able to compose a coherent sentence at the end of the day, which is when I have the time available to blog. I decided early today that I would make sharing my thoughts a priority tonight.

I started seeing a new counselor this week. I wanted to find one that specialized in recovery from sexual addiction and spousal support. It seems I have found a great one. I know she sees the whole spectrum of emotions and stages of recovery come through her office, but I couldn't help but think when I got there and burst in to tears about ten seconds after introducing myself, "She is going to think I am an emotional basket case". Let's face it some days I am. The only thing I felt when I left was that this was where I am supposed to be. I know all counselors are supposed to maintain a judgement free attitude, I have seen enough of them to know that isn't always how it comes across, but I felt like I was in a completely judgment free zone during the time we spent together. This visit was timed perfectly. You see, right before I left work to head to my appointment, I had a particularly ugly phone call with a coworker that hit me pretty hard. Thus the tears the moment I entered the office. It was a while before I actually got to the point in the visit where I shared the main reason I was there. Recovery. This first visit was more about getting to know each other a bit and me being able to share my story, but I left there with a book to read and more hope than I have had in a really long time. 

I took a pretty big emotional hit when I found out early last week that my childhood best friend was going through a crisis with her husband's health. I was devastated not to be able to be with her. We live about four hours apart these days, and I just couldn't leave to go see them. My heart is aching for her and her family. Her husband is fighting tooth and nail for his life and he is one heck of a fighter. That then led to feelings of guilt because my husband is here and "healthy" and I am struggling so much. I quickly cycled out of that thinking for a few reasons: a - my husband only appears healthy, he is actually fighting his own battle, b - I can't compare my trials with anyone else's, this is my burden to bear and I am learning and growing from it, c - I know I wouldn't wish this one anyone, especially my close friend, and she wouldn't wish her trial on me. I'm such a caregiver by nature (sometimes too much so) that I want to be there for her just to hug her and let her know she is loved. I have had to settle for sending her texts and loving her from here. She hasn't been far from my thoughts all week.

I am so truly blessed with amazing friends. I made time to go to lunch with two of my friends on Saturday and enjoy some much needed 'me time'. I am always amazed by how much support these two amazing women give me, no matter how silly or stupid I act, they still love me. We started working together on the same day over three years ago, we are all in different departments now, but it just doesn't matter, we are still bonded. We are different ages, religions, marital statuses, from different parts of the country, different stages of health and fitness…but none of that matters, it just doesn't. These strong women have been my support network and my go-to-girls for everything from sharing a laugh, a tear, a frustration and a peaceful moment. They really are my life-line a lot of days.

While none of this even touches on the issues in my marriage, well with the exception of my new counselor, it is still relevant. Why? Because it all makes up parts of my mental and spiritual well being. While riding the emotional roller coaster of my life, every one of these events has an impact on which way I go. I have a support system that I have created and I have used it this week. As I travel this path, I hope to pick up light from this support network and to then be able to share it with others. 

Opening the Emotional Vaults

We have definitely had an eye opening week here. Well, maybe eye opening isn't the right word, more like a vault opening week. We have opened our emotional vaults and let a little of the reserve go. It's been a painful and difficult process, but overall I think it has been at least somewhat enlightening for both of us. Honesty is such a double edged sword sometimes, it is so painful to hear but can lead to such a great reward…recovery.

***Warning: Some of this post might be a little bit TMI, read on at your own risk***

When B posted the other day that I had rejected him, he's right, I did. Twice in one day I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I didn't feel safe enough emotionally to have sex. Not 'make love' you say? Nope. We haven't made love in a really long time, it's been sex between us for quite some time now. That is probably a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it for now. It's always been really hard for B when I have not accepted his sexual advances, but I think this is the first time I have ever been completely honest with him and told him that I didn't feel emotionally safe. I haven't felt safe for a long time, but I have always had the thought in the back of my mind, "If I don't have sex with him is he going to turn to porn?" I know anyone out there reading this who has any experience with sexual addiction KNOWS that this isn't true. Intellectually I know it's not true, but emotionally, that a whole different story. I am an intelligent woman, my brain knows that B turning to his addiction to cope is NOT about my willingness to have sex, my heart still has trouble accepting that after all these years.

That then led to me admitting to B that I have a great fear of him relapsing in the near future. The reason for this fear is that next week I am having surgery to fix my leaky bladder (see a lot of TMI in this post), and after surgery I will have complete pelvic rest for SIX WEEKS. Yes, I said SIX WEEKS. That means no sex for B or me for six weeks. Naturally, that dang fragile heart of mine wonders, 'how is he going to go six weeks without sex or porn?' He of course wanted to know if I would be willing to do "other things" to help him work off some of that frustration…I told him "I don't know", in all honesty, I doubt it. That is all about him, not about us and doesn't really help me heal at all. The really hard part for me? I shouldn't have to worry about this. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I even considered postponing my surgery until we were a little further in to recovery, but now is the best time for me to have it and I don't want to put off my health because of his addiction.

There have been a lot of tears shed between us this week. B gets hurt, upset and frustrated that I am not supportive of his recovery because I don't celebrate the progress he has made and have faith that he won't relapse. I get hurt, upset, frustrated and downright mad that he can't see how hard this is for me to celebrate because I still feel that my needs are not being met. A couple of weeks ago I gave him a list of things that I needed from him to feel safe in our relationship. He still feels like I'm punishing him with them and honestly doesn't even remember what most of them are, except the ones he feels he can't meet. I really tried to keep my cool and not raise my voice and yell like I tend to do and I did a pretty decent job at it for most of our discussion. This is a huge step for me. Eventually the discussion deteriorated to a mutual hurt fest and became highly unproductive and we both ended up feeling hurt and unloved. We still haven't resolved a lot of this and it's a huge road block right now, but it's something we need to take a step away from for the time being. I don't think we will reach any sort of agreement on this until we both work through some of our individual recovery.

I am meeting with a new counselor on Thursday, a woman who specializes in counseling individuals and couples working through the process of recovery from sexual addictions. I decided that I needed to see someone on my own. B goes back to see his counselor next week. They are both in the same office and I hope in the future we can have some sessions together, but right now I need to work through some of my recovery independently.

I really have hope that our family can heal and that we will come out the other side of this stronger than we have ever been. I told B the other day that I think it is going to get worse before it gets better and in all reality, that scares the crap out of me. I have made a commitment to work on our recovery for six months without making any kind of final decision and will reevaluate at that time. The actual date in my mind is a little less than six months from now, it's our twentieth wedding anniversary next March. My goal is that in that six months we will have made enough progress to be able to shut that emotional vault, knowing that at any time we can open it and share what is inside freely and without reservation. I hope that as the bankers of our emotional vaults that we can loan each other the emotional, spiritual and loving support that we need to become the dynamic couple that we both hoped we could be when we started this journey together. I am going to nurture that seed of hope for now, praying that it grows every day.

Hesitantly hopeful,

T.