Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Blank Slate

I was lying in bed tonight thinking that I didn't want to blog tonight. I'm tired of thinking of this burden and tired of fighting this battle. That's when I decided I probably NEED to blog if I'm feeling that way. How many of us have ever wanted a redo…a blank slate with which to start over? I have…sometimes on a moment by moment basis. The thing is, we can have that. Our Savior Jesus Christ has made that possible. He sacrificed himself so that we might be able to wipe the slate clean as many times as we need to. He did that for us.

I know what you skeptics are thinking out there, oh great, another "Jesus freak" is going to preach to me. Nope, I'm not, a freak nor am I going to preach to you. I wrote that above because I'm the one that needs to hear it today. I'm the one that needs their slate wiped clean. It was a rough day at work, I didn't sleep much last night and things did not go according to plan tonight. I was grouchy and irritable and generally hard to be around. I didn't want to work tonight and felt truly overwhelmed by all the things I "needed" to get accomplished. Guess what? They are all still there and nobody was hurt, the house is still standing and they will all still be there tomorrow.

Some nights I think we need permission to take a break. Not a break from fighting for recovery, but a break from doing battle with the pressure we put on ourselves to get it all done. I think sometimes we need to take a vacation from the chores of life and just relax. Maybe that's me being selfish and giving in, but tonight I needed it. I needed to let the clean laundry stay in the basket unfolded and the junk cluttering the entryway stay there as long as it wasn't a hazard. I needed to put my pajamas on after dinner and watch some mindless t.v. Tonight I gave myself permission to take it easy and tomorrow I will tackle whatever I can get done.

Take the time to slow down. Give yourself permission to let the chores slide. Let go of the little things and take care of you.

Taking a break,

T.

Sharing my Feelings

I think you can tell by now that I am much more analytical, while my wife is more emotional. I think there is value in both approaches, however I need to get more in touch with my feelings. I am not very good at opening up and sharing my feelings. Today "T" gave me a page out of her journal to read. It described exactly how she is feeling and how our relationship is going. She described my actions and how she feels about them. The most striking thing about this journal entry is that it wasn't written recently. It was written in 2004. Have we made any progress since then? We have had good times and bad times during the last 10 years. I guess I need to evaluate myself to determine if the "bad times" are getting less bad. I would have to say this latest crisis is as bad as the worst of them. How I respond to this crisis will determine our future. I feel I need to share my feelings directly with my wife.
"T," I remember when we were first married and so in love. As you know, I was an addict even then. For maybe the first 6 months to a year I thought being married to you had cured me. I don't remember even being tempted. Of course in any marriage at some point the "honeymoon" ends. I don't remember when I fell prey to my addiction again, but I know it was in response to some stress or challenge of daily life. You know this, but I need to tell you, nothing you have ever done has contributed to the addiction. It is all my problem. I truly believe this now. I have to admit that before, I have always felt you had some little part in my addiction. If only you were skinny, if only you were happy all the time, I would be more attracted to you and have more control over my addiction. This is a very destructive lie that Satan has used to keep me in bondage. "T," I know I have told you this many times before, but I have changed. Only my actions will be able to convince you of this. I can't tell you I will always make the right choice. Today I should have gone to church.  I know that, but I am really trying. Step 9 in the Addiction Recovery Program is to make direct restitution to those you have harmed. You are the person I have harmed the most. I want to show you that I can be that man you thought you were marrying. I want to be able to grow old with you and be able to look back on our life together with fond memories. I want the next 10 years and more to be the best of our life. Please be patient.  We have been blessed with wonderful children. I am amazed at the example they set for me. I know that is so backwards. I want to be able to set a good example for them. We had a wonderful day together yesterday. I know we can have many wonderful days together in the future. "T", I know that I can be healed through the Savior's love. He died for me. I will strive to look to him in the future. I love you very much.

B

Inside the Mind of an Addict

P

Now that the science is out of the way, I will discuss what happens with me and my motivations. As I have said before, my addiction really took off with the advent of the Internet. Never before in the history of mankind has an individual had access to so many pornographic images. I am triggered by some image, be it an indecently dressed woman or an advertisement. Then I have a strong desire to begin looking. But what am I looking for? I am looking for the "perfect woman". In my warped brain I have created standards of what that perfect woman will look like. I then get on the Internet and begin looking. I have been searching for over 20 years and I have not found her yet. I can sometimes spend hours looking, but I am never satisfied. There is always some flaw. I know this sounds horribly sexist, and it is. But this is what the addiction has done to me.  An addict will never be satisfied. What I need to remember is that I found this "perfect woman" a long time ago. I married her almost 20 years ago. She may have flaws, but they are superficial. She has stuck with me all these years when she really didn't have to. I am so blessed to have a woman so strong and loving. She is great mother and wife. No, she is not actually perfect, but she is striving for perfection. The only perfect person to live on this Earth is the Savior Jesus Christ. Through his Atonement we can all be saved. I can be saved! It has been a long battle, one that has been lost for the most part. With the help of the Atonement I can finally change. I have heard that recovery takes as much time as the actual addiction did. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The important thing to realize is that I am not alone. I have the help of my wife, my bishop, the members of my 12 step addiction recovery group, and most important the Savior.Any addiction will alter the way the human brian will function. The biology behind this alteration involves the neurotransmitter dopamine, particularly its role in the mesolimbic pathway. For a more in depth discussion of dopamine and what is does you can go here . Basically your brain will release dopamine in response to something the senses detect. A healthy person may experience dopamine release when seeing someone they love. In this instance the dopamine will make them feel good. It is the brain's way of rewarding you for positive experiences. An addict will experience heightened dopamine release in response to certain "triggers". A trigger could be something as innocent as a beautiful modestly dressed woman, or a hardcore porn image. The results are the same for an addict. They will desire to see more pornography, and perform sexual acts. There is a debate about whether sex addiction is a real mental disorder similar to a drug addiction. I have experienced this disorder in my life. I know how destructive it can be. This link is just one study supporting the idea that sex addiction is a real mental health disorder.
B