Music Speaks To Me - Part 2

Just a short while after "Brave" spoke to me, "Deamons" by Imagine Dragons came on the radio. Imagine Dragons is one of my all time favorite bands and I've always liked this song, but this time it was like it was being sung just for me. I have highlighted the words that jumped out at me and screamed "THIS IS WHAT ADDICTION FEELS LIKE!". It was like this is the demon we are battling and a little bit of what B sometimes feels like (as well as what I felt like when I have been in the thick of my compulsive eating addiction). 

Demons by Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call

It's the last of all

When the lights fade out

All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave

And the masquerade

Will come calling out

At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down

But I am hell bound

Though this is all for you

Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I wanna save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

I don't know what it was about Saturday but I was comforted greatly by music, not religious music, not even spiritual music. Just regular everyday mainstream music. It was awesome!

Music Speaks to Me - Part I

Music used to always touch me. I could hear a song and be touched to my core and pull out lyrics that said just what I was feeling. The last few years I have lost that. This last Saturday I heard the music again. It touched me. It healed a little piece of me. It helped put words to my struggle. 

The first song that made me pause, or more truthfully made me cry, was Brave by Sara Bareilles. I have loved this song since the first time I heard it. I have always wanted it to be my theme song for my daughter. I want her to embrace who she is. This time I heard words meant just for me. I have to share those words with you. (I have changed the words that just hit me to red and highlighted them in yellow). It's time I stop hiding and start fighting. It's time I have empathy for others around me that are fighting their own battles. It's time I speak up. I AM BRAVE!

Brave by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,

Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy

Fallen for the fear

And done some disappearing,

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence

Won’t do you any good,

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

See you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

Singing,

T.

Seeing Me

I realized this morning, after an excruciating night of pain and fighting, that B hasn't seen the real me in years, I haven't let him. It's scary for me to let him see the me that I've been hiding, because some days she's not very happy. I realized I have been protecting B in some ways for years from the consequences of his addiction. I haven't let him see the pain and anger that his acting out has caused because I was always afraid that it would just give him one more reason to turn to porn. I let some of it out yesterday and he didn't like it at all. He found a way to make it all about him, even though I was trying to be honest with him. It hurts, it really really hurts and B thinks I'm overreacting. I don't come here to air our dirty laundry, but I need someplace that I can be me and it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling.

It started with a question from me about who he wanted to be his accountability partner for Covenant Eyes, because it can't be me right now. He doesn't feel he needs one unless it's me. His words were, "I don't need an acceptability partner because there is no shame in confessing if I slip. I have faith that I'm not going to slip and if I do there is no shame in confessing it." Those may not be his exact words, but they were along that line. He's in the recovery honeymoon, I get it, I've been there too. Someday maybe he will forgive me for not having the same amount of faith in him, because I don't. I do love him, and I really want to hope that we are past the acting out and lying, but I'm not there yet. 

I'll explain why I want him to have an accountability partner and why it can't be me. I want him to have someone that he can talk to on a regular basis about any slips or temptations. I want him to have someone he can reach out to if he needs to. Right now I can't be that person. It hurts too much when he slips and I honestly don't want to hear about all his temptations right now. I want to know that when/if he has a slip HE takes accountability to tell me about it. I need that honesty and open communication. Right now I need there to be no more dishonesty or lying. I feel like if I was getting an accountability report for him that he would let that be his disclosure to me instead of taking the accountability to come tell me. 

I think I understand why he wants me to get the report. He feels that if I was getting the report it would be that much more of a deterrent to acting out. He feels that it would help protect him from acting out. I get that, but I can't be the police anymore. I can't be used to police his activity anymore. I've done that for years. Played Sherlock Holmes to uncover any suspicious activity, questioned him like a suspect and tried to get him to break down. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want the fear of getting caught acting out to be what motivates him. I need to know that our family and our marriage are worth not acting out for. I need to know that the joy he finds in recovery and in truly connecting with me and our children are worth not acting out for.

It seems like a little minor issue to him, and maybe it is, to him. But it isn't to me. It's a big issue. I need him to have a support person other than me. He keeps saying he is going to find one but he hasn't yet. If he doesn't want someone to get his accountability report, then so be it, I won't ever force that on him, it's his choice. He doesn't see it as a choice, his exact words were, "It's not really a choice because if I don't find someone to get my report then there is a consequence." Yep there is. There is always a consequence and we have to deal with them. 

I let the "discussion" get out of hand and it deteriorated over the afternoon. I should have walked away much sooner than I did. I was accused of being unsupportive, unforgiving, manipulative, making it so that he couldn't concentrate on his work and letting one little thing ruin our happiness. It hurt, it really really hurt. I tried to let it go. I tried to say, it's his "addict brain" talking and not the man I was starting to see. But, the thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't think it should hurt. He doesn't think that I have the right to be hurt and angry some days. Somehow, after 17 years of lying and acting out, of him turning to porn instead of to me, I'm supposed to just embrace the new him. The man who IS working recovery, the man who has made HUGE steps in honesty and openness. I DO see these changes, changes that have NEVER happened before. I do embrace this man, hesitantly because I'm afraid of him disappearing. It will hurt so much more because I have seen the changes in him, I LOVE the changes in him. I am not ready to embrace those changes wholeheartedly yet because it will hurt so much if those changes aren't truly permanent.

We both have so far to go in our individual recovery and the recovery of our marriage. He feels that I am sabotaging our recovery as a couple with my anger and lack of faith. I feel that I have made huge strides in our recovery as a couple but that I have work to do on myself that will greatly help us as a couple. I love my husband, probably more so now than I have in years. I want to make my marriage work. I want to be happy in my relationship again. I honestly do. But I need to feel safe again. I need to feel like it's ok to be me and to have bad days and that he will still love me and not turn to porn. I need time, I may need lots and lots of time. 

Hurting still,

T.

Joyfully Hopeful Breakdown Breakthrough

Twice in one day is a lot to blog, but I just need to today. Tonight I had a breakdown breakthrough. I know that those two words seem to contradict each other, but it's the only way to describe what happened. I had a breakdown tonight and in the process I had a huge emotional breakthrough. Well a huge breakthrough in identifying some of my emotions anyway.

I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.

I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).

It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE. 

I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn.  Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.

Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope). 

Joyfully hopeful,

T.

My Story

I know I have shared parts of my story on the blog, but after reading more on recovery, I feel the need to share my whole story, or my whole story up until this point.

I loved to flirt and date when I was a teenager and my number one goal in life was to get married and have babies. I loved being part of a family and wanted to start my own "happily ever after". My parents marriage wasn't always great, but I was going to do better, I was going to be happier. Oh to have the knowledge I have now and the optimism I had as a teenager. I have since come to realize that we create our "happily ever after" through hard work, sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and pain. I digress, I am putting the horse before the cart here by sharing what I have learned before sharing how I learned it.

As I was saying, I wanted to be married, badly. I wanted to be loved and cherished, taken care of and have someone to take care of. I'm not saying that I regret marrying my husband, because I don't. I love my husband and am sincerely working on being "in love" with him again. I want to rediscover that spark and light that first brought us together. Again, horse, cart, sorry, back on track. 

I met my husband country dancing. We both went dancing on Friday nights, him because his sister dragged him and me because I wanted to meet boys. We would both arrive a little early and help set up for the dance, we would both take a shift taking money at the door and then help clean up so that we could get in for free, since we were both in school. We were all part of the same group of friends, but I knew his brother and sisters more than I knew him. He was quiet and reserved and liked being in the background, where as I am anything but quiet and back then loved to goof around and be loud. I started scheduling my shifts to sit and take money at the same time as his, and I started attending some single adult dances that he helped with. All in hopes that he would ask me out. He didn't, not until I gave him my phone number and told him we should go fishing sometime (it was something we both liked to do). He finally asked me to go with him and his little brother fishing. On the way home his brother and I had a belching contest, I figured if he would ask me out again after that I had it made. Well he asked me out again the very next day and we were engaged two short months after that. 

We were young, I was 20 and he was 23 when we got engaged. Due to meddling parents on my side and hands-off parents on his side, we ended up postponing our original wedding date from December to March. This meant a seven month engagement to get into "trouble" morally as well as having to see both of our bishops. It finally got to the point where either we couldn't be alone together or we weren't going to make it to the Temple. We made it. During his Spring Break and the middle of my semester, we were sealed for time and all eternity in front of our family and friends.

The first year was hard (well every year was hard). We had NO IDEA what it took to run a household having never lived on our own (other than my husband's two year mission for our church which is a very "structured" living on your own). We didn't know how to manage money or pay bills, balance a checkbook or make a budget and stick to it. As I now reflect back on that time, a lot of our problems were a symptom of a bigger problem that I was not even aware of at the time. My husband's pornography addiction.

I'm not rewriting history here, I was not prepared to be a wife and we have had a lot of struggles that we didn't need to have because of it. I'm just saying that a lot of our problems were compounded by the person my husband became because of his pornography addiction. 

A couple of years into our marriage I was looking for ways for us to be closer and happier as a couple. We were at a local video store and I saw the porn movies and thought "maybe this will work". It only took a few times of watching together to "enhance our sex life" to realize they were doing more harm than good. We decided together not to watch anymore. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the problem.

A few years later, when we had one child I discovered that B had been looking at naked women and masturbating while I wasn't home. What!?! Why wasn't I enough? Maybe if I lose weight and get skinny he won't look at porn. Maybe if I have sex more and dress in sexy lingerie he won't need porn. It's taken me years and years to realize that it wouldn't matter if I was a Playboy Bunny willing to do whatever, whenever he wanted, it wouldn't "fix" his problem. I can't fix it for him, he has to do that. I still sometimes struggle to remember this.

I feel like I am rambling, but it seems like the only way I can get this whole story out. In bits and pieces as I remember them. I am sorry if it seems disjointed but I am telling it the only way I know how. It's my story to own, so I am owning it, in whatever disheveled way it comes out.

Many wives stories I have read talk about D-day. I don't remember a specific D-day. I remember several discoveries by myself, admissions by my husband, days I was ready to quit and days I just said "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em".  This has been a process of addiction, enabling, lies, hope, heartbreak, forgiveness, counseling, attempted recovery, selfishness, pain, betrayal and eventually hard and painful  work. Let me just share with you the most recent chapter in our story.

A few months ago, probably right around our anniversary in March or my 40th birthday in April, I'm not sure which, I had had enough. B was not working to recover. He was thoughtless, selfish and only looking out for himself. He had taken so much of my life that I was numb. I was numb to pain, numb to joy, just plain numb. I was done. I was done with my marriage. I knew I couldn't in good conscience leave B without knowing I had done everything in my power to make my marriage healthy, I'm just not built that way. I went to see a counselor and at first he refused to go with me. I knew I had to go and work on my own issues and fixing me before I could say I had given it all I had. The second visit he came with me to help participate in some testing the counselor wanted to do, and he continued seeing her with me after that. We worked with her, and she opened the doors for both of us to truly want to make an honest effort at saving our marriage. She is not a specialist in sexual addictions or recovery, so she could only take us so far, but she opened the door, and for that I will always be grateful.

We are now both seeing individual counselors that specialize in recovery from sexual addictions for addicts and spouses. I am working on my own recovery. I honestly didn't recognize in all my years of study, counseling and soul searching, that I had to recover too. I always wanted to be supportive and help B "fix" himself. It's only been the last few weeks that I have honestly realized that I need some serious "fixing" because of the betrayal I have felt. I was numb for so long that I didn't realize how much of my pain and hurt I had shoved inside. It came out in the form of orneriness, a food addiction and pure honest to goodness anger directed at my family. My kids have suffered because of this anger, and I am working on controlling it. 

I know that this is going to be a long journey. I know that I have a long ways to go before I will trust anyone in general again. I am hoping that B will continue to work on his recovery and try to gain my trust back as I heal. I am hesitantly hopeful for the first time, maybe the first time ever, that there might be a way of emerging from this pit with my marriage not only intact but stronger than it has ever been. I have bad days. I have good days. I am working through all the anger and trying to turn it into the will to fight FOR my family instead of fighting WITH my family.

I am broken, I am working at healing. It is a slow, painful and arduous process. I want to get better overnight. I want that peace now. I know that's not possible. I know that I have to walk the uphill battle before a little relief will gradually come. I am working everyday to turn this over to the Lord and let him guide me. I am praying for hope, healing and love to come into my family.

Sharing my story,

T.

Reaching Out

For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently. 

As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.

I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/  It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot. 

I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.

Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.

Change

Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.

"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.

While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."

These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.

I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.

I want to change.

I FINALLY believe it is possible.

I am committed to it.

I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.

Taking action,

T.

Opening the Emotional Vaults

We have definitely had an eye opening week here. Well, maybe eye opening isn't the right word, more like a vault opening week. We have opened our emotional vaults and let a little of the reserve go. It's been a painful and difficult process, but overall I think it has been at least somewhat enlightening for both of us. Honesty is such a double edged sword sometimes, it is so painful to hear but can lead to such a great reward…recovery.

***Warning: Some of this post might be a little bit TMI, read on at your own risk***

When B posted the other day that I had rejected him, he's right, I did. Twice in one day I told him that I didn't want to have sex, that I didn't feel safe enough emotionally to have sex. Not 'make love' you say? Nope. We haven't made love in a really long time, it's been sex between us for quite some time now. That is probably a whole post in itself, so I'll leave it for now. It's always been really hard for B when I have not accepted his sexual advances, but I think this is the first time I have ever been completely honest with him and told him that I didn't feel emotionally safe. I haven't felt safe for a long time, but I have always had the thought in the back of my mind, "If I don't have sex with him is he going to turn to porn?" I know anyone out there reading this who has any experience with sexual addiction KNOWS that this isn't true. Intellectually I know it's not true, but emotionally, that a whole different story. I am an intelligent woman, my brain knows that B turning to his addiction to cope is NOT about my willingness to have sex, my heart still has trouble accepting that after all these years.

That then led to me admitting to B that I have a great fear of him relapsing in the near future. The reason for this fear is that next week I am having surgery to fix my leaky bladder (see a lot of TMI in this post), and after surgery I will have complete pelvic rest for SIX WEEKS. Yes, I said SIX WEEKS. That means no sex for B or me for six weeks. Naturally, that dang fragile heart of mine wonders, 'how is he going to go six weeks without sex or porn?' He of course wanted to know if I would be willing to do "other things" to help him work off some of that frustration…I told him "I don't know", in all honesty, I doubt it. That is all about him, not about us and doesn't really help me heal at all. The really hard part for me? I shouldn't have to worry about this. At one point a couple of weeks ago, I even considered postponing my surgery until we were a little further in to recovery, but now is the best time for me to have it and I don't want to put off my health because of his addiction.

There have been a lot of tears shed between us this week. B gets hurt, upset and frustrated that I am not supportive of his recovery because I don't celebrate the progress he has made and have faith that he won't relapse. I get hurt, upset, frustrated and downright mad that he can't see how hard this is for me to celebrate because I still feel that my needs are not being met. A couple of weeks ago I gave him a list of things that I needed from him to feel safe in our relationship. He still feels like I'm punishing him with them and honestly doesn't even remember what most of them are, except the ones he feels he can't meet. I really tried to keep my cool and not raise my voice and yell like I tend to do and I did a pretty decent job at it for most of our discussion. This is a huge step for me. Eventually the discussion deteriorated to a mutual hurt fest and became highly unproductive and we both ended up feeling hurt and unloved. We still haven't resolved a lot of this and it's a huge road block right now, but it's something we need to take a step away from for the time being. I don't think we will reach any sort of agreement on this until we both work through some of our individual recovery.

I am meeting with a new counselor on Thursday, a woman who specializes in counseling individuals and couples working through the process of recovery from sexual addictions. I decided that I needed to see someone on my own. B goes back to see his counselor next week. They are both in the same office and I hope in the future we can have some sessions together, but right now I need to work through some of my recovery independently.

I really have hope that our family can heal and that we will come out the other side of this stronger than we have ever been. I told B the other day that I think it is going to get worse before it gets better and in all reality, that scares the crap out of me. I have made a commitment to work on our recovery for six months without making any kind of final decision and will reevaluate at that time. The actual date in my mind is a little less than six months from now, it's our twentieth wedding anniversary next March. My goal is that in that six months we will have made enough progress to be able to shut that emotional vault, knowing that at any time we can open it and share what is inside freely and without reservation. I hope that as the bankers of our emotional vaults that we can loan each other the emotional, spiritual and loving support that we need to become the dynamic couple that we both hoped we could be when we started this journey together. I am going to nurture that seed of hope for now, praying that it grows every day.

Hesitantly hopeful,

T.

I'll Huff and I'll Puff...

Last night was a rough night. I had a melt down. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it, or if it was just a combination of things, but melt down I did. I'm not going to throw blame or spill all the gory details, because frankly I don't want to relive them, I just want to learn and grow from them. What was at the heart of the entire episode was that I feel like I'm one of the Three Little Pigs, and that the Big Bad Wolf is standing outside.

I told B, in a very watery and sniffly display, that I feel like at any minute everything is going to come tumbling down around me. As you can imagine with B off work and us being like most Americans, our financial picture isn't the shiniest. I feel like B is making positive changes but not necessarily the ones I need him to make. At work things have been very hectic and stressful and are only looking to get more stressful. I am scheduled to have some minor surgery next month and I won't be able to get a lot done for a couple of weeks after that. I feel like all of this put together is a very shaky house made of straw and that The Big Bad Wolf (aka. Satan) is standing outside waiting and he is starting to huff and puff and at any minute it is all going to come crashing down. I didn't even realize until last night that I was feeling this way, but once I really looked at what was bothering me I saw it, as clear as day, I am waiting for the crash. 

Just like B, I am very overwhelmed. I feel like for every step forward we take that we take three steps back. He thinks things are going well, well he thought that until the nuclear fall-out last night. I kept thinking, how can he not see? I guess I'm not communicating well enough with him. I don't think we are doing well, I think we are treading water, at least I feel like I am treading water in our relationship. I feel like I am afraid to move forward for fear of getting my heart broken yet again. It's like I have so little faith in his recovery that I don't even want to hope for a better future. That in turn, it ends up hurting him. It hurts him that I can't simply trust that he is working at recovery and that things are getting better. I don't want to hurt him, but I am so afraid of not being protected that I can't seem to move past the hurt right now. 

I was rereading this post, where I talked about things I wish B knew, and what I said there remains unchanged. These three things particularly stuck out to me, so I am going to repeat them:

-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.

-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making. 

-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.

I really do want you to succeed, and I really do want to have hope, but I'm really struggling with that right now. Be patient please. Please meet me at least half way, be willing to sacrifice what you want for what I need in order to build my trust in you. I can't make you change, but I am asking you, please make the changes you need to make in order for us to move forward. I will work on building my own faith as well.

Tonight, for now, we are safe. Our house is still standing and all the huffing and puffing hasn't blown it down yet.

With a sincere prayer in my heart,

T.

Love Grows

I find inside the words to say

The things I feel, the thoughts I pray

Why is it easier to think than say

Let me share my thoughts today 

The one idea that keeps coming back

The one that just might get us on track

It's as precious as anything sent from above

And that one thing is simply love

Love is the one gift given each day

That multiples as we give it away

If we focus on love and freely give

A bountiful life each day we'll live

T.

I wrote this simple verse last night, not because I think love will fix everything that is broken in our lives, but rather that nothing broken can be fixed without it. 

Letting Go and Setting Boundaries

I am trying to let go…of a lot of things. Right now my biggest struggle is letting go of the anger. I don't know why, but I think I am angrier now at and about B than I have ever been. I'm having a hard time determining where the anger is coming from. I don't know if this is something that I am being tempted into feeling to hinder B's recovery or if I am just really angry at him and his addiction. But, wherever it is coming from, I am nevertheless angry. I want to yell and scream and throw things, even though the only thing that would accomplish is making me hoarse, scaring my family and breaking things. I have been trying to pinpoint what exactly I am angry about and it has been difficult. I am angry at a lot of things, including my own choices. 

I guess I am using anger to describe a lot of things I am feeling. I am feeling frustrated, hurt, upset, confused, sad, anxious and scared. I really thought that I was going to be able start to take my wall down and let B in and start to work through recovery, but I am finding that far more difficult than even I believed it would be. I don't want to take it down and be vulnerable because I am just to scared of being hurt again.

Here is where the frustration comes in, both with B and with myself. I am frustrated at him for not seeing how I feel and if he does see it not understanding. He keeps saying that he is starting to realize by reading other spouses blogs, about how I might be feeling, but I don't think he really does, because every relationship is different. I know I'm not special or unique in how I feel. I know a lot of other spouses feel the same way. My heart aches for anyone going through the painful journey of sexual addiction and recovery. I just don't think that B understands that it took about sixteen years to erect and fortify the wall I have around my heart, it's not going to come down just because he makes an effort for a few weeks. I want to believe that he is truly working recovery and that he will stay sober, but for me right now I don't see it. I see him making some efforts to avoid pornography and acting out right now, but I can't envision what recovery will look like for us.

I have read a few posts recently about boundaries, and setting them for ourselves. I'm terrified of setting boundaries. I am so scared that if I set boundaries that protect myself, B will see it as me having a lack of faith in him and his recovery and think that I am punishing him. That's not it. I don't want to punish him, but I want to protect my emotional self. I have a hard time even saying this, because it feels unsupportive and selfish. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to take care of me right now, I can't leave my emotional health in the hands of a hopefully recovering addict. That would be foolishness on my part and set myself up for a fall, not to mention the added pressure that would put on the burden B already carries. As hard of a conversation as it is going to be for both of us, we need to have it. We need to have boundaries for both of us. 

I need to be able to take care of my own emotional health if I am ever going to be able to support B in recovery. I am trying to let go of anger and hurt and am hoping that by setting boundaries I will start to feel safe enough to do that.

T.

Not a Feel Good Post

I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I'm angry. I'm angry at a lot of things, but mostly just mad at my life in general. I want to just put it all out there for now, maybe it will help get some of the anger and frustration I am feeling resolved. If you need an uplifting and hopeful post, this is not the one for you. It's not going to sound hopeful and it may even sound a bit selfish and ranty. Consider yourself warned, today is not a day for sunshine and rainbows but rather for thunder, lightning and wind.

It seems like lately I need my rain gear and umbrella. I know I am choosing to focus on the bad, but I'm hoping that by getting it out there I will be able to let it go. It seems like when it rains it pours. Let's just start with the expenses and homeowner problems we've had lately. We have a three year old refrigerator that we have had to sink $400+ dollars into and it still isn't fixed (thank goodness we kept the old one and have it in the garage to act as a stand in). Then, our vehicle has been stalling as we drive it down the road and with B out of work we can't afford to take it in to the shop to be looked at, so we are down to one vehicle with three drivers all going different directions. Then B sent me a picture today on my phone of where a mouse or something has made a hole all the way from the outside of the garage through the door frame into the garage. Oh and did I mention, that this has caused water damage from all our rain we've gotten lately? Are you serious!?! We live in a three year old home for crying out loud!!! So, now we have to call an exterminator to come find the pest and rid us of it, so we don't have to keep fixing the same hole. As a result, I took tomorrow off of work very last minute to get things in the garage straightened out so we can get it organized and make sure that that is the only damage. On a positive note, did I mention how awesome my co-workers are? They didn't even bat an eye at covering for me tomorrow so I could take care of things. 

Now, I'll just touch on the emotional baggage I'm trying to clean out right now. My mom called to talk last night (we talk almost every day) and decided that she needed to give me her opinion on what we need to improve on in order for B to find a job. It ended up being a nasty discussion that we both ended up in tears from. It really threw me for a loop and upset B because of some of the things she said. I've tried to let it go today, knowing that she is my mom and she only wants what she thinks is the best for me and that even when she is mad at me she still loves me. Sometimes that's easier said than done. I've also had such conflicting emotions about my "worthiness" to seek recovery as the wife of a porn addict. I keep thinking, "What right do I have to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband's actions when I have my own addictions to deal with?" I am still really trying to come to grips with the fact that just because I have my own faults doesn't excuse B from the pain he has caused me. It's pretty tempting to just say I don't deserve to feel this way and so I'm not going to look for support. The logical part of me knows that this is my own shame and guilt eating away at me and that I am as much in need of recovery and healing from the pain caused to me as I am from the addictions that have a hold of me. 

None of this even begins to address my feelings about B's recovery and how it is progressing and how I am working through all that. I will save that for another day as I'm having a hard time keeping my eyelids open right now. 

I am sorry for the ranting jag and that I didn't have something uplifting or hopeful to post today. It is what it is today. You get the unadulterated ugly truth here, it's the only way we are going to heal. I needed to let that all go tonight so that I can face my day tomorrow with optimism as to what can be accomplished. We only need to turn it over to Him. 

Worn out and frustrated,

T.

My Load Has Been Lightened

I've created a support network for myself. It is one I wish I had had fifteen years ago. It is the thing I wish most for anyone whose partner is suffering from addiction. ANY kind of addiction, but especially a sex addiction. I wish everyone had a place they could share their stories, their experiences and their emotions that is free of judgement and censure. There are so many out there that suffer alone and silently, just like I did for over ten years, and they just don't need to. Everyone needs a support system that they can turn to no matter how ugly things get. I hope that by sharing my experiences here that y'all will feel like you can reach out to my husband or me free of judgement, especially if you aren't ready to share your trials with anyone around you. 

Back to my original point, my support network. It has only been in recent days that I have really felt able to voice some of our story to more than just a handful of people. Most of the people I have previously shared my story with, I shared because I wanted them to know that they had someplace to turn. It was so they would feel less alone, not so I would.  Well, that's changed in the last few weeks, I've needed to know that I wasn't alone. I've needed the people close to me to "see" me, the good, the bad and the ugly.  At the risk of losing some of my pride, I humbled myself enough to open up to a few people around me so that I could reach out to them for support. You may think that it was not a humbling that had to happen but rather a humiliation, but that is far from true. It is absolutely humbling to lay yourself bare and risk the judgement you are sure will come, even from those that you know truly care about you. I feel like every time I share with someone I care about I risk losing them in my life. That has never proven to be the case, but it's still a fear of mine. 

The first experience of true fear of sharing came a few weeks ago when I shared with B's sister a little of what we are going through. I'm not really sure she was ready to hear it and I'm sure it was not something she ever wanted to hear about one of her brothers, but she listened, and I didn't feel judged. I was so upset that night by some things that one of his other sisters had said that it just kind of all came out. The next day I shared an even smaller portion of our story with another of his sisters. I honestly didn't want it to come as a complete surprise if we did/do decide to separate. I was concerned that B would be upset with me for sharing with his family, and I'm sure it was difficult for him, but he wasn't mad. 

The next time was just this week. I have a co-worker that I really care about, who like me, doesn't sleep. Hers is for a different reason than mine but we often talk about how little we sleep. I felt prompted to share our story with her, so I did. I sent her a text that said something along the lines of, I don't know why I feel I should share this with you, but this is a big part of why I don't sleep. It included a link to the blog. The response I got from her was quick and was amazingly uplifting to me. She has no idea how many times she has lifted me up, how many times she has helped me feel safe to share, or how many times she's made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. I hope she knows that most days at work it's in part because of her that I survive the rough ones and love the good ones. Her friendship means more to me than she could ever realize.

The last time I shared a piece of our story was tonight. This was one of the most difficult times I have shared. I stood to risk the most I've risked so far by sharing, and yet here I am, feeling more buoyed up the the love and friendship of amazing women than I had hoped I could be. It was my book club tonight, the one night a month that B has learned over the years is mine no matter what. Well, almost no matter what. I wasn't planning on sharing any of this with them, but it just felt right. One of them already knew a bit about some of our past struggles, but the rest had no idea. I wasn't ready to share prior to now, the wounds were just to raw, and I just was not ready to open myself up to that kind of hurt from people I love. I didn't know I was ready tonight, but apparently I was. As difficult as it was, and as much as I risk upsetting B by sharing with more people, I am so relieved that I did.

I am truly sorry if it hurts B when I share and we lose some of anonymity, but if I can help anyone by sharing I will.

It feels like over the last few weeks my burden has been a bit easier to carry because of the amazing support network I have that has helped shoulder the load. Even some of those that don't know my story have helped carry the load just by being the amazing people they are. I am thankful every day that Heavenly Father has placed the people in my life that he has. I am surrounded by greatness and I try to remind myself everyday that I am not alone. Please, if you are reading this and you feel alone, know that you aren't. I am here. I will listen. I will help you carry the load because I am able to as mine has been lightened by others.

Lighter today,

T.

Blank Slate

I was lying in bed tonight thinking that I didn't want to blog tonight. I'm tired of thinking of this burden and tired of fighting this battle. That's when I decided I probably NEED to blog if I'm feeling that way. How many of us have ever wanted a redo…a blank slate with which to start over? I have…sometimes on a moment by moment basis. The thing is, we can have that. Our Savior Jesus Christ has made that possible. He sacrificed himself so that we might be able to wipe the slate clean as many times as we need to. He did that for us.

I know what you skeptics are thinking out there, oh great, another "Jesus freak" is going to preach to me. Nope, I'm not, a freak nor am I going to preach to you. I wrote that above because I'm the one that needs to hear it today. I'm the one that needs their slate wiped clean. It was a rough day at work, I didn't sleep much last night and things did not go according to plan tonight. I was grouchy and irritable and generally hard to be around. I didn't want to work tonight and felt truly overwhelmed by all the things I "needed" to get accomplished. Guess what? They are all still there and nobody was hurt, the house is still standing and they will all still be there tomorrow.

Some nights I think we need permission to take a break. Not a break from fighting for recovery, but a break from doing battle with the pressure we put on ourselves to get it all done. I think sometimes we need to take a vacation from the chores of life and just relax. Maybe that's me being selfish and giving in, but tonight I needed it. I needed to let the clean laundry stay in the basket unfolded and the junk cluttering the entryway stay there as long as it wasn't a hazard. I needed to put my pajamas on after dinner and watch some mindless t.v. Tonight I gave myself permission to take it easy and tomorrow I will tackle whatever I can get done.

Take the time to slow down. Give yourself permission to let the chores slide. Let go of the little things and take care of you.

Taking a break,

T.

To Every Dating Woman

I feel like I'm obsessed, not really obsessed, but surrounded with constant reminders of battle we are facing. It seems like wherever I turn there are friends struggling with this. It allows me the opportunity to share my story, but it also keeps it in my mind a lot.

I love that I get to share our story with others. I know that may sound odd, but I do. Why you ask? (You did ask didn't you?) Because I was so very alone for so incredibly long in this battle and I don't EVER want anyone else to feel alone. I don't ever want anyone else to suffer silently when there is a whole community of us out there ready to support you, love you and be there for you. We feel your pain. We have cried your tears. We want to be here to hold you up and dry your tears. We want to help shoulder your burden.

Part of the reason I feel surrounded I think, is because I notice. I notice the blog posts on pornography addiction. I notice those reaching out for help. I notice that Satan is trying to infiltrate our families from every angle.

I read a post tonight that I wish someone would have written twenty years ago.  I don't think it would've changed my mind about marrying "B" but it would have enabled me to go in to our marriage without so much rosy tint to my glasses.  It's about having that difficult conversation with any potential husband. Read it, share it, practice it (I have linked to it above if you click the word "post"). It may save you heartache and pain and may allow you to seek help with and for the man you love.

Please reach out if you need someone to listen. If you need a safe place to share. I live in a glass house, so I won't judge you, I'm haven't collected any rocks. You can email either of us at nothingunsaid@outlook<dot>com. You are not alone.

Reaching out for you,

T.

Kissing and a Prayer Request

I want to share a bit of my point of view from our conversation last night. I knew it was going to hurt "B" when I told him that I was struggling to want to kiss him. I've been putting off that conversation since he told me that. I don't want to hurt him, not intentionally (I will admit there have been times I HAVE wanted to hurt him, to get back at him, but I hope I've grown past that for the most part). I know he is trying to recover, I know he is working at it, but I didn't lose complete trust and faith in him overnight and it's not going to return that quickly either. I have been hurt by him so many times, that I'm afraid to hope. Don't get me wrong, as much as I tell myself that I don't have any hope right now, I do. I just try and tamp it down because it's so painful when he betrays me again. I want to hope and have faith that he is truly in recovery, but it is just too scary. It's too scary to open myself up to that kind of pain.

To me passionate kissing is a very intimate act. It is opening yourself up to being vulnerable, to trusting the person you are kissing, in my case "B". He revealed in his last post that we have an active sex life, we do, but for a really long time it has been about meeting a physical need, scratching an itch per se. We haven't "made love" in a really long time. For "B" it's because of the pornography addiction, for me it's because I haven't been willing to be that vulnerable. For me passionate kissing is part of making love, not having sex and I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable yet.  I don't trust him enough to not break my heart again. I asked him to be patient with me, because I'm just not there yet. I want to be, but it's going to take a while I'm afraid.

I have told "B" often lately that we will work through the addiction, but that I can't tolerate when he lies to me. He used to be honest with me when I would ask him if he'd slipped, but he has lied to me repeatedly over the last few years. It's to the point that I don't trust myself and my "gut feelings" anymore because for so long I trusted that he was telling the truth and therefore my gut must be wrong. Most of the time it wasn't. I know he started lying to me because of my reaction to his relapses, and that doesn't give him an "out" or an excuse, but I am accepting my responsibility to mediate my reaction. If I tell him that we will work through the addiction then I have to be willing to work without raging at him.

I want to work through this addiction, I really do. I don't want to give up, but some days I'm just so tired of fighting. I know this is going to be a long, hard, lifetime battle, and I need to plan on fighting the rest of our lives. I want to be able to let down my guard and trust again.

Please if you are on your knees today, put in a good word for us. I am really discouraged right now and could use a measure of faith if you have some to spare.

Asking for prayers,

T.

p.s. "B" asked me when I got up this morning if I smelled the cookies…I think he must've been eating the sugar cookie scented soap in the bathroom or something…there was no cookies smell that I could tell.