What I Wish He Knew

I was reading this post about what Dobble Addy wishes our Church Leaders knew, at makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com and it struck a chord in me. I have been thinking about it a lot this week. It is a great list about the things that wives of sexual addicts wish we could make others understand, especially if those others are our leaders. It has caused me to consider what I would put on my list of things I wish others knew about me.

-I am an intelligent, educated, professional woman
-I have a great capacity to love. I love quickly and easily.
-I have an innate sense of trust in the people around me. I almost always think that everyone has the best intentions.
-I don't have much of a verbal filter, I often say things before I even have a chance to think about them. This can be a double edged sword.
-I honestly in my heart of hearts don't EVER want anyone to hurt. No matter how much they have hurt me, I still don't want to see them hurting. It's excruciating if I am the one causing the pain.
-Despite not wanting to see others hurting, I often let my emotions get the best of me and inflict pain in the form of lashing out. I always regret it and wish I could take it back. I am working on this.
-I used to be a mostly happy person all the time, lately it seems like I am a mostly angry and unhappy person. I want to change that. I want to change ME.
-I have dealt with all my emotional pain by eating. I have a food addiction that I am powerless to fight on my own. I need my Heavenly Father in my corner and I am working at turning my heart over to Him.
-Despite the fact that I am emotionally exhausted I still want to be able to give of myself to those around me.

Now I would like to write a harder list. This is a list of what I wish B knew and understood.

-I still love you.
-You have broken my heart over and over again and I am really afraid to trust you with it again. I have erected an emotional wall towards you and I am having a really hard time deconstructing it.
-I WANT to celebrate all the positive changes you are making in your life.
-I know it frustrates you that I am still so angry and distrusting, I'm sorry. I will repeat what I said in the list above, I want to change that.
-Every time you make an excuse as to why you haven't done something that I need you to do by citing the positive things that you DID get done, it reminds me of the talk by Elder Oaks about Good, Better and Best activities. The things that you are accomplishing and doing are GOOD a lot of them are even BETTER than anything you have done in years. However, I need you to do the BEST things for our marriage. Right now, that means I need to you live within the boundaries I have requested in order to feel safe.
-I see the progress you are making and it really means a lot to me. I don't want to discount the work you are doing or the effort you are making.
-I need you to work on recovery for you. I need to not be your motivation because ultimately unless you are making the choices for yourself you will fail.
-I need you to take responsibility for yourself. What I mean is, I need to not feel that something I do or say is going to trigger a relapse. I can't carry that burden. I am trying to release myself of it and I need you to release me as well.
-I need you to follow the rules you have outlined for our family.
-I don't have a lot to give you emotionally right now. I need to work on myself and focus on repairing my broken spirit. I want to support your recovery but I just don't have much support to give.
-I need you to be patient and not give up on me. I haven't given up on you or our marriage in nineteen years, not until recently anyway (and obviously I haven't completely given up or I wouldn't still be here fighting for our family).
-Lastly I want you to know that I love you (yes I am repeating this), I am trying to hope for healing in our marriage and find my faith again. 

Broken but trying to heal,

T.