I will fail unless I take the necessary steps for recovery. I have been attending the 12 steps meetings at least once a week. I have been trying to go twice a week. This has been a great help to me. They have helped me to see that I am not alone. That I can open up and share with other people, to overcome the shame. But this is just not enough. The addiction is too deep.
I said that I have been sober for almost a month. This is partially true. I have been sober from indulging in pornography, masturbation, and even lustful fantasies. This is a huge step for me. This is great progress. However, these addictions are only symptoms of the real addiction. The addiction that I struggle with is Lust. Jesus said "…whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). I already said that I have been able to keep my thoughts clear of lustful fantasies. This is true but I still lust after women. Through my recovery reading I have discovered that it is common for men with this addiction to judge a woman based on his perception of her as a sexual partner. I am guilty of this. This is why I can't say that I have been completely sober. It may be at the grocery store, when I am driving down the road, or even at church, I will see a woman and lust in this way. It is hardest when I see a woman that is immodestly dressed. I have always hoped that other people don't notice me staring. The shame however isn't usually strong enough to keep me from looking.
The usual pattern of my rounds of recovery starts with this lust. It then progresses to lustful fantasies which lead to indulging in pornography and masterbation. Then I have to lie to my wife to cover it up. Eventually I feel so guilty that I confess to my wife, or she catches me (which is usually the case). Then I begin the recovery process over again. How can I break this vicious cycle? I need help, professional help. I have made the decision to go back to a pornography addiction recovery specialist that I have seen in the past. I didn't like him before. I didn't like him because he was making me confront the things that I needed to. I was too afraid, too ashamed. This specialist is also involved with LifeStar. I have decided that my wife and I both need to go through the program. I have always worried about the financial cost of LifeStar. I have used this as an excuse not to go. While this is a valid excuse, the real reason is because I am so afraid of opening up, of sharing myself, of finding out the root causes of my addiction. I now realize that the financial cost is very little compared to the emotional, spiritual, and even physical costs this addiction has inflicted on me and my family.
For anyone struggling with this addiction, I recommend getting professional help. I have heard that LifeStar is a great program. I researched the cost this morning. It really isn't that much when you take into account what you get from the program. We can find the money. It may mean selling some of our worldly possessions, but we can find the money.
I am grateful for my wife who has had the patience to wait for me to get to this point. I know it hasn't been easy for her. We have had many disagreements about getting the professional help that I need. We have had a rough time. We haven't been very happy together. But she has stayed with me. I know I haven't deserved this. I look forward to recovery. I look forward to becoming a happy couple. I look forward to helping our children to avoid this horrible affliction. I look forward to the redeeming love of my Savior Jesus Christ.
B.
I appreciate your description of the pattern of relapse. Also, I've heard good things about LifeStar; and seriously, is a large flatscreen television worth freedom from addiction? I agree that it's not, if that's what it takes.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to be discouraging, but as someone who has almost 8 months of sobriety (about the same quality as yours) I can't say that it gets significantly easier. Well, I don't know if that's true...the physical urge isn't quite as potent, and it seems to come in waves, where I'll have a week that's particularly difficult, then a while later I'll have a week where temptations don't have quite the same hold on me. I've heard recovery described as taking a mountain road, always uphill but sometimes flatter and sometimes steeper--recovery is moving forward, recognizing when you're getting near the edge and getting back on the path. It sounds like you recognized the sensation of the rumble strip and are edging away from the cliff. Keep it up!