Daring Greatly...A Textbook for Life

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. I have homework and reading. I have notebooks, art projects, highlighters, pencils and discussions. There have been times in my recovery that this has all felt like too much for me. Too much time and energy spent on recovery. Too much knowledge and new patterns that I'm trying to fit in my head, heart and life. There have been times when I have had to take a break. I'm just coming off one of those "breaks" and getting my recovery back on track.

I have thought and prayed long and hard about whether a break is necessary or even good for me in recovery. I have come to the conclusion that it depends. It depends on what I'm taking  break from. Some of my recovery behaviors have to be innate and included everyday, otherwise I slip back into old patterns and behaviors. I can however take a break from reading, eating, breathing, and sleeping nothing but recovery.

I'm not advocating that this works for everyone, but it works for me. There are times that I have to let what I have learned settle in and become incorporated in my life. I have to figure out what my "new norm" looks like. What works for me and what doesn't. Then I can start to learn and grow more. That's not right, or not how I see it. I am always learning and growing, it's just sometimes I voraciously want more knowledge and sometimes I have to let the new knowledge I have gained help me to grow. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it's how I see things in my own life.

This last break was a little too long and I let too many of my everyday recovery behaviors slip. I fell back into some of my own habits of enabling and letting my anger control me. No where near the degree as before, but not where I want to be either. I am glad to be back on track and getting those behaviors back in my daily life.

This month for my book club we are reading a book I suggested and have wanted to read for a good while, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  Since I am leading the discussion, I need to make sure I get it read. I sat down today and started it. I'm in love! I mean I already loved what I have seen and read from Brene Brown, but I am even more in love. If you have never heard her speak or read anything by her, I have linked to her Tedx talk in this post. Watch it! You'll be glad you did.

The things I am learning are life changing. Well ok, life affirming. I am learning the importance of and the way to be vulnerable and fight shame. These two things are vital to recovery.  They are skill that if everyone had, we would have so much more open communication and so much less criticism and blame.

This post is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with Brene Brown or Daring Greatly. I just wanted to share something that was helping me be a better me.

A little more vulnerably,

T.

Editing My Story

I don't want to edit my story to change it or alter it's truth in any way. I want to edit my story to reflect where I am in my journey. My story is ever evolving as I learn and grow...and the beautiful part is that it doesn't have an ending yet and so that means I get to continue to learn and grow.

My name starts with T and I am a WoPA (Wife of a Porn Addict). I am so much more than that though. For so many years my life has been defined by my husband's addiction without me even knowing I was letting it define me. I am choosing to no longer let that be the definition of who I am and how I behave. I am me, and I define who I am and how I behave.

B. and I have been married almost 21 years. We met and were friends for about 6 months before we started dating. We dated for 2 months and got engaged. We were engaged for 7 months before we were sealed for time and all eternity in a temple of the LDS Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). When we made this commitment I knew that it was forever, I knew that this was the man I was going to be with for the rest of my life here on earth and in the eternities to come. Now, I don't know if that is still true, but I have turned that over to my Heavenly Father as He is in charge and I put my faith in Him. I know that when I married B. I got confirmation from Heavenly Father that it was the right thing to do, but I was also warned it wouldn't be easy...I chose not to listen to that latter part very well.

I knew something was off in our marriage for years before I actually found out what it was. When I found out that B. had a "pornography problem" I had several reactions. I got angry and of course threatened divorce if it ever happened again (which my husband took to heart and so he started lying and hiding things from me). I felt feelings of not being "enough" in anything I was doing. I felt like it was my fault he had this "problem" and that because it was my fault I could fix it. I was so very wrong.

Part of the reason I had felt that it was my fault was because I had suggested we watch a few pornographic movies together to "spice up" our love life when we had been married a few years. Partly because I felt things were off there and I wanted to connect with him through sex and thought that this would help. It didn't, and I quickly realized that I felt degraded and used because of it. The biggest reason I felt like it was my fault though was because of not feeling like I was enough. I "if only'd" myself constantly. "If only I was skinnier." "If only I kept the house cleaner." "If only I initiated sex more." "If only I made more money." The list could go on and on, needless to say I felt worthless. I honestly thought that if I changed my behaviors and made his life easier he wouldn't turn to porn and masturbation instead of me. I was wrong here too.

As the years went on B. got stealthier about hiding his acting out. I would start to feel in my gut that he was acting out again. I would confront him and he would lie to my face and hide any acting out he was doing. I would then think "Gosh, that feeling must be wrong." So then I would play detective and most of the time I could find no proof of anything which only reinforced the feeling of not being able to "trust my gut" (which I now know to have been Heavenly Father prompting me through the Holy Ghost). I stopped asking after a while and most of the time stopped looking for proof because I just couldn't find it, so I figured I would live with how I felt. Instead of living with it though, I numbed it through food, reading and tv watching. I didn't want to think or feel, so I did whatever I could to avoid it.

There was even a period of a few years where I figured "Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." I watched porn with him, I participated in sexual acts I wasn't comfortable with, I read pornographic books, and I even went to a strip show with him. None of these things are things I am proud of, and are things that I will NEVER repeat again. At the point I was at in my marriage though, it was the only way I knew to have any sort of connection with my husband.

Probably the hardest thing about this addiction (which we didn't realize was an addiction until the last few years) was that I lived in shame and isolation. I was so ashamed of not being enough, and so worried about people judging B. and I that I didn't tell anyone. B. forbade me from telling anyone but I didn't want to anyway. Because of this huge part of my life that was so full of shame and fear, I lived alone with the pain. I did my best to numb it and forget about it, but it was this huge hole in the middle of me that I was always trying to cover up. It was a lot of work to keep it hidden so I isolated myself emotionally and never let people get too close. I was so alone and so afraid.

I clearly remember the promptings I had to tell someone, it took two weekends and a prompting that was almost physically audible for me to have enough courage to share with one person. She is my friend and also my sister-in-law. It was a Sunday afternoon and I finally told her. I said, "I don't know why I was supposed to tell you but I know that I needed to." Her reply was, "So you don't have to be alone anymore." I thought that was true...for three whole days. She called me in tears that Wednesday after finding porn sites in her browser history. She wanted me to tell her it could be something else, that her husband hadn't looked at porn, but I couldn't I just knew. I will never forget how it felt to know that someone else understood how I was feeling. I was so sad and yet so relieved and validated. I thought, "Now I'm not alone." It was a powerful feeling...but it still took me 2 more years to tell anyone else.

When I started on my journey to recovery almost 2 years ago now, I had no idea what hard work it was going to be, I also didn't know that recovery was necessary for me too. I went into it thinking, "If he would just stop, then we would be better." I had no idea how far from the truth that was. It wasn't until I heard about Betrayal Trauma that things started to really click for me. Betrayal Trauma is a specific form of PTSD that comes from being with a sex addict (in all reality porn addiction is just a form of sex addiction...same disease different drug). At first I thought, "There is no freaking way I have PTSD. That is just not me." I was wrong yet again. I have some pretty significant trauma from years and years of being betrayed and lied to. I have worked really hard to find peace amidst the trauma and I have found a significant amount of peace. I still have a lot of work to do and I now know that recovery is a life-long journey and not a sprint to the finish line. I will be working my recovery for the rest of my life...I know as the years pass recovery activities will become more automatic (several of them already are) and that triggers will become fewer and farther apart. I will never be done healing though.

One of the biggest blessings I have gained through recovery is the ability to share my story when I have felt prompted. I am no longer in hiding. I don't share with everyone, only those that have earned the right to hear it and who Heavenly Father has prompted me to share with. Because of my ability to now own and share my story, I have found some of the most amazing women I have ever met in my life. The recovery community is strong and growing. There is room here for anyone that needs it. I have friends now that completely understand and support me and whom I never would've met otherwise. I have found love, support and acceptance. It has been HUGE for me. I have also been able to share with others in my life and have found so much love and support that I never expected. Heavenly Father has truly blessed me with amazing friends.

It has been almost two years ago now since I started my journey to recovery and I still have a long ways to go. You know what though? I am stronger than I remember being. You want to hear the most remarkable part for me though? I have more faith that I have EVER had in my life. This battle has helped me to learn to rely on my Heavenly Father and the atoning sacrifice of my brother Jesus Christ. They have been there for me every step of the way through this journey, even when I haven't been aware of them...I have never been alone. They have sent people into my life that I would never have met if it weren't for my recovery activities. They have answered prayers almost before I could say them. They have pointed me in directions I would not have chosen on my own. More than anything I have an inner peace that I have never known before. I know who I am...I am T and I am strong. I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and KNOWS me. He knows the feelings I am feeling and the battle I am facing and he understands. He knows just what I need when I need it and I have learned to recognize those gifts in my life.

My story does not end here, but rather it is just beginning.

Sincerely,

T.

Just Because It Brings Someone You Love Joy

Sundays are HARD at our house. Satan works so very hard on our family on Sundays. He works on each one of us in significant ways. He is trying so hard to pull us apart. I want to scream and rage at Satan, I want to punch him in the nose and say "Stay the hell away from my family!" See, he knows how to get me.

Part of the reason that Sundays are so hard is because it is the one day a week that we usually have a significant amount of time to spend together and we can rarely agree on how to spend it. I would be happy doing about anything if we were doing it together and really striving to enjoy it. That just never seems to happen. I often want to spend the day inside watching corny Hallmark type movies and playing games. B often wants to go out and go for a walk or hike or drive. The kids each have their own ideas of what would be fun that seem to clash with ours. B has told me several times recently that I try to force the issue of family time, that I try too hard. Maybe I do, I don't know. I just really really really want us to spend quality time together enjoying each other's company. I don't want to compromise on that, but either we are all miserable doing something together or I let everyone do their own thing. Either way I feel like I am fighting an unwinnable battle. Why should it even have to be a battle? Why can't I expect my family to be able to enjoy spending time just being together? It just seems like a half an hour or an hour and we're done, that's all we have to give to each other. Frankly, it scares me more than I want to think about. What if we can never heal our broken family?

I have learned recently that I can have an opinion and desires that are opposite those I love and it doesn't mean they won't love me. Well, I'm working on learning that anyway. However, something I have known my whole life is that I don't have to be doing something I like to do in order to have fun. I can be doing something that I really don't like doing and still have an incredible time. Why? Sometimes I do things I don't want to do just because it brings joy to someone I love. Is that wrong? Is it too much to ask of my family? I don't know. It seems that often times on Sunday it is.

All I want right now, from my family, is for us all to think of ourselves a little less and the rest of the family a little more. That doesn't mean we have to neglect our own needs and time and sacrifice our self-care. It just means that sometimes we do things just because it will bring someone we love joy.

Praying for joy,

T.

Redeeming Hearts Retreat

I have had the title written for this post for months, wanting to write it but being held back by my own fear. Fear of not writing the truth, fear of hurting other's feelings, fear that I might not get another opportunity to go to a retreat like this and fear that I will. I finally decided to face my fears head-on. This is so scary for me, because my biggest fear in life is saying or doing something to make others not like me. I am so very afraid that I will be disliked (even by people I don't like) that I often don't reveal how I really feel. Hell, I sometimes don't know how I really feel because I don't want it to be contrary to what someone wants me to feel. Wow...some of you just labeled me codependent didn't you? Please don't. That's a whole other post, let's get back to the post I started.

I was so blessed to be able to attend the Redeeming Hearts Retreat that was hosted by Harriet at A Wife Redeemed. It was back in the spring, and I have wanted to write this post since then and just haven't been able to. The retreat was AMAZING. We learned, we laughed, we grew, we ate amazing and healthy meals, we bonded, we meditated and we celebrated our sisterhood. Harriet planned an amazing weekend for us and graciously hosted us. I love the women that attended. I love the weekend away. It was beautiful and fabulous. I just didn't get as much healing out of it that I wanted to. This has nothing to do with Harriet, the retreat, or the women there. It has 100% of everything to do with me.

I went up there nervous and scared. I was nervous for several reasons, not the least of which was not fitting in the seat belt on the airplane. This may not be a fear most of you relate to, but it's a real fear of mine (on the way home I swallowed my pride and didn't try and squish into the seat belt, I asked for the extender...hmmmmm...maybe more healing happened than I realized). I was so scared of not being liked or accepted by the women there. It is a completely unfounded fear. They were amazing. They embraced me and included me and never once made me feel less than. Those feelings are all in my head. I was afraid of being embarrassed because I had to pack a giant size suitcase for one weekend because my clothes are big sized they take up more room and because I have to use a CPAP to sleep at night, so I had to pack that. I am fighting tears as I write this because I am realizing two things...#1 I have wasted so much of my life being afraid and #2 I don't have to be afraid, because I am wonderful. I don't always believe that I am wonderful, but today I do. Wow, I think I wrote this post at just the right time, I'm not sure I could've admitted or understood some of these truths in the spring.

Let me tell you a little bit more about the actual retreat, because if you get the chance to go you should. It was AMAZING! First off I have to tell you about the amazing friend that I went to the retreat with. You know her as Eagle Wings from her story on A Wife Redeemed, but I just know her as my friend. She is so amazingly supportive. She reached out to me early on last year when I was first starting to look for support. She has given her time and her love to me in ways that she doesn't even realize. I told her of my fear about the airplane seat belt when we were getting ready to leave, and she helped me through it. She doesn't give herself enough credit, but she really is an amazing person.

When we arrived we were picked up by two other WOPAs attending the retreat and we stopped to pick up snacks to share. It was as if I had known these women forever. There is a bond between WOPAs that doesn't even need to be spoken. We just understand each other. We understand on a level that isn't spoken and doesn't need to be. We arrived at Harriet's home and were greeted warmly and got settled in. She is such an amazing hostess. We had dinner and we had a guided meditation with a therapist. We visited and laughed. I know I am going to confuse the timeline, so I will just tell you about the activities. We watched a movie, had a class on essential oils and their emotional healing properties (I learned that I hate lavender because I need it...this is truth and I am learning to like it). We performed a kundalini yoga healing circle that was so powerful. We shared our stories. We ate delicious food. We played games. We went on walks. We journaled. We broke pots and put them back together again. We laughed. Basically we grew in ways that may not have been obvious at the time and made friends that will be friends for years to come.

I didn't realize until I wrote this post how much healing really did happen for me that weekend. I learned so much about myself and my insecurities. I learned about my own fears and how they are just that, mine. I hope that any betrayed spouse is able to attend an event like this (and if you can attend this one, I would highly recommend it). There is so much healing that comes from knowing you aren't alone. You are part of a club, one you never wanted to belong to, and one that accepts you wholeheartedly, flaws and all. I am learning to lean into my fears, but I have a lot of demons still to face. I am blessed to not have to face them alone though. I have my Heavenly Father and a WOPA army behind me.

A little less afraid,

T.

Self-Compassion

I haven't posted in a while and there has been a lot going on in our life. I will give you the highlight reel. B. acted out for about a month, and then lied to me about it. I had some hard decisions to make including whether or not I could stay in this marriage. We are now living in the same room and sleeping Lucy and Ricky style (same room, twin beds). Heavenly Father is in charge and I am taking direction from him. I had a major slip of comparison and betrayed the confidence of a friend.  I was accountable to both her and our group leader within hours. I still have to do some serious shame busting about it. It has given me some insight as to the amount of shame B. must carry around. That's the highlight reel such as it is.

I have noticed that so many of my warrior sisters (aka. Trauma Troopers or women with Betrayal Trauma) are so hard on themselves. I include myself in that. I know that for YEARS I thought, "If I was skinnier B. wouldn't look at porn."  "If I kept the house cleaner and didn't nag, B. wouldn't need porn." Insert your own "If only…" statement and you have the thoughts of most women I've met that have been betrayed. We blame ourselves a lot. It has taken me years to realize that no matter what I looked like, said, acted like, how much money I made, how clean the house was or what I was doing or not doing sexually…B. would still be an addict and turn to porn and masturbation when he couldn't handle his emotions. I am not to blame for this addiction. I wasn't there when it started. I cannot control B. or his actions. It is not my fault. That's not to say I'm perfect or that I don't have room for improvement, because believe you me, I do have a lot of room for improvement. I make mistakes on a regular basis. Some little and some meteor sized ones. The one thing I have realized I need and am starting to be better at, self-compassion. Realizing that I am an imperfect person trying in the best way I know how to work on being a better me. I have heard it often from my therapist that I need to be compassionate with myself and allow room for self-forgiveness and patience when I make mistakes.

Self-compassion is a difficult thing. I really struggle with thoughts of "If I don't do everything right then B. will use it as an excuse not to work." or "If I can't manage this then how can I expect B. to?" Both of these are completely FALSE. I have no control over what B. does in his recovery and whether he justifies his choices by citing my shortcomings. I have every right to expect my husband to respect and honor me and that he TRIES to be better and diligently works recovery even if I make mistakes. I deserve that.

Sisters, let me tell you this. Treat yourself with compassion. Look at the strong sisters that are by your side. Know that they understand this struggle and that they aren't perfect either. Know that each one of us makes mistakes on a regular basis. Keep trying and be gentle with yourself. Take time to reach out to Heavenly Father and turn your burdens over to him. Practice self-care. Give yourself permission to be less than perfect…and some days even less that just ok. You don't have to achieve perfection. Be nice to yourself. Don't use negative or defeating self-talk, especially if you wouldn't say it to someone else. Treat yourself with the kind of compassion and respect that you want your spouse to treat you with.  Love yourself and give yourself permission to grieve, this is a huge loss and will take some time to process.

Compassionately,

T.

Battle Fatigue

Battle Fatigue is what PTSD was known as during WWII. It doesn't fit exactly what I am feeling, but the words paint a picture for me of what I look like on the inside. I am weary to the bone of fighting this battle and I just want to go to sleep for a while and take a break from life. Nobody call 911, I'm not suicidal, just worn out. I am physically, emotionally and mentally worn out.

Right now where I am really struggling is to find that balance. How much recovery work can I realistically do and keep up on life. Right now I'm not being very successful at either. I know I'm not the only one trying to find this balance, I've heard others talk about it too. I also know that the balance looks different for everyone. I work full-time plus, I have kids and a house to keep up. I also try to find some time to do things for self-care and recovery. It feels like right now I'm trying to find that delicate balance between time for recovery and time for life…and a splinter can tip the scales.

The other thing I am struggling with right now is my utter disconnection from B. I have erected almost all my walls again and shored them up with new ones. It was done intentionally and with purpose. He is showing signs of working on and trying to be in recovery. The problem is that it is never consistent. He will be very contentious of my needs and will be thinking of things to lighten the load for me and work on connecting with me and being honest…for a couple of days. Then it's all too much for him and he withdraws and his needs come first. It is like standing on a rug that you love that is covering a concrete floor…it is so nice and warm and comforting for a couple days then all of a sudden it gets yanked out from underneath you and you end up on the cold hard floor with new purple bruises on top of the already tender yellow ones that are just starting to heal. It is more traumatic in a way than the last 20 years have been because I had those couple of days of connection and care. It's like I'm being robbed of that safety over and over and over again. Before, I never expected or hoped for it, so it was just was I was used to with zero expectations of it being any different. Now, I can see the changes and feel the difference SOME of the time. Mind you, I wouldn't go back to the way it was either. I could not live like that anymore.

When he checks in with me at night and relates how he is feeling relationally he always says disconnected. He will sometimes say that he doesn't know what he is fighting for anymore because I am so disconnected. I have told him every which way what I need to be able to start connecting more. CONSISTENCY. That's it. I need to see consistent improvement with more good days that bad. I'm not asking for perfection, just progress.  I need to be thought of more and my needs need to be as important as his own.

I want to connect with my husband. I want to have a happy marriage. I believe that those two things are possible. I just need some safety and consistency before they will happen. I believe that as we both get more recovery under our belts that our relationship will become our focus. Right now all I can do is concentrate on is my own recovery and being the best me I can be.

Weary to the bone,

T.

Surrender

Letting go and letting God is a concept I have read and heard about. I have heard that surrender isn't giving your will over but giving your heart over. It is about learning to trust that our Heavenly Father has our back. It seemed very difficult to me. Not hard to understand but difficult to put into practice. I don't trust easily and even though He is the one that I know I can trust completely, opening my heart up to trust is a difficult thing.

Two weeks ago in LifeStar our homework was to get a surrender box and put it into practice. It took me a couple days to decide what I wanted, but I found the perfect box I wanted (I'm working to eliminate words like perfect from my everyday conversation and save them to describe things that really are perfect, like our Heavenly Father).  It is beautiful on the outside and has a place for paper on the inside. The words of surrender are stored underneath.

I have really been working hard to align my will that that of our Heavenly Father. Sundays are rough for us. Satan seems to work extra hard on both of us on Sunday. Yesterday was no different, it was a rough day. Last night when I knelt in prayer, I had one of the most powerful experiences I can recall having.

I truly opened my heart and turned my concerns over to Him. I sincerely wanted to NOT carry them around anymore. I was risking a lot in my mind but He showed me it was no risk at all because He has already carried them. As I opened my heart up and surrendered my burdens, I literally felt a band loosen from around my heart. It was an actual physical sensation. As that band loosened I was able to take a deep breath. I COULD BREATHE! I didn't realize the physical tightness and pain I was carrying around. I didn't realize I hadn't been able to take a deep breath. It was incredible! I COULD BREATHE! Sorry I had to say it twice (I wrote it a few times in my journal last night so I wouldn't forget).

I didn't realize that my burdens were restricting me and that an actual physical sensation could take place when I chose to unburden myself to my Heavenly Father. I was left with a racing heart and a little anxiety because of the unexpectedness of it, but it was so freeing.

When you find yourself burdened with a load that you can't carry, or concerns that are weighing you down. Lighten your load, surrender it to the Lord. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, has already carried that load, he has already payed the price. He just wants us to stop trying to haul it around and give it on over. I heard this saying about learning to reach out and surrender (it may be from AA, I am sorry I cannot give the proper credit for it)…on your knees, on the phone, in the box. In others words, write your burden down and put it in a surrender box (I used to practice this by having a metaphorical surrender box, the real thing is actually much more of a powerful tool for me), get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to take your burden away, you have to actually hand it over…then get on the phone and call a support person.

Nobody understands us better than He does. I will keep practicing surrendering because I have felt the evidence of it's power.

Breathing again,

T.

My Cup Runneth Over

My Father in Heaven knows me and sees my trials. After the pummeling my spirit took over the last few weeks He knew I would need others. He has placed the most amazing people in my life. This week I was strengthened and uplifted by so many different people. Friends new and old, those I have met through recovery and those I have known for years. My group, my marriage counselor and my individual counselor have all played a vital role in helping boost me this week. My Bishop has been A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! He has to be the most kind and patient person I have met in a long time. I can only imagine how the weight of the trials in the ward weigh on him, but he never makes me feel like mine are any less important than anyone else's. I am truly blessed by the bounty of amazing people in my life. 

I have to give a special shout-out to two separate groups though, my LifeStar group and the local chapter of The Togetherness Project. Without these amazing women this week I would've been lost.

There are still a lot of things to work through and a long road to walk, but I am on my way again. I'm not dwelling on my problems but looking for solutions. Tonight I am grateful for the people in my life.

In gratitude,

T.

Spiritualy Nourished

This weekend provided some much needed spiritual nourishment. The peace that has accompanied this nourishment has been a much needed balm to my tender soul. This edifying came through two things, a blessing given to me and participating in Temple Ordinances. I will share with you what I journaled the night I received the blessing, because it sums up exactly how I feel. 

Tonight I asked for a blessing. It was just exactly what Heavenly Father knew I was struggling with. My husband is not in a place in recovery yet that he can give me a blessing, nor would I feel like he was the person that could provide that blessing right now, so I asked my best friend's husband to do it. It was so amazing how much I could feel the Spirit whispering to my friend just what I needed to hear. I was reminded that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me and the struggles that I am going through. I was also reminded that Jesus Christ personally understands and has felt the trials I am going through. He let me know that I would have the strength to endure as I turned toward Him and built my testimony and that I need to help my children and those around me understand and know the truth of the gospel and the restoration. It was not anything I haven't recently thought or heard, but tonight it was what Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear. 

I was blessed the next day to attend The Temple with my best friend and woman that was there shared this scripture with me. "Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation" - 2 Nephi 4:30. I am not sure what prompted her to share this with me, but It was just what I needed to hear…REJOICE! I am rejoicing in the peace that I have received from my Heavenly Father. 

The strongest impression I received this week, many times over, was that my Heavenly Father KNOWS me and LOVES me and is HERE FOR me. I needed this reminder, apparently over and over again, before it penetrated my soul. I am loved. I am known. I am protected. 

Peacefully Nourished,

T.

Anger Is A Girl's Best Friend

I am angry today…frankly I've been angry all week. There are some HUGE things going on in my life right now (outside of the addiction and trauma)…at least they feel HUGE to me. I really have no emotional reserve right now and I have been snappy and peevish all week. I hate that I am so angry and that I have slipped back into that pattern. I need to find some healing again and use my tools to let go of the anger.  I can't change B, all I can change is me.  Sound like I'm trying to say it so I can make myself believe it? I am a little bit. I just want to shake B and say "Wake the hell up and SEE me!" I know it won't do any good, especially with the swear word thrown in there…but it's what I want to do at the current moment.

I really want to be SEEN, HEARD and CARED FOR. I really want to not have to carry this load alone. B texted me on Thursday and told me that he wants to be there for me through this and that's all I've ever wanted, for him to be present and help me through trials. I have been the one taking care of everyone for so long, I don't know how NOT to do that. I try to give him more of the load, but he drops it so often that I end up picking it up anyway. Most of the time it's easier to just carry it myself, but that turns me into a rescuer and leaves me feeling resentful and used.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to get a few thoughts down.

Wishing I wasn't so angry,

T.

Irrational Thinking

I would be absolutely lying through my teeth to you if I told you that B's addiction hasn't affected my self-image and thinking patterns. Don't get me wrong, it's not the only source of my negative self-image but it has certainly contributed to it. Part of that negativity is reflected in my thoughts. I sometimes have very irrational and negative thoughts.

I had a bit of an a-ha moment about this yesterday that I want to share. My best friend lives about four hours away from us. We have been separated for about 6 1/2 years. We each have family and reasons to visit in each other's cities, so we get to see each other a few times a year. She came to town this weekend for a family event, so we tried to coordinate time to see each other.

It turns out the only time we could make it work was at 6:45 on Saturday morning. That is a completely unreasonable time to have to be up and about on a Saturday, but if it was the only chance I had to see her then I'd take it. 

As I was driving to meet her, the thought popped into my head, "She must have something bad to tell me. Why else would she be willing to get up so early on Saturday to see me?"

As soon as it appeared I combated it with, "Well of COURSE she is willing to get up to see you, she's your best friend!" 

I shared this with her while we were walking and visiting and she immediately put her arm around me and assured me that my second thought was the valid one and that the first one was silly. I already knew that this was what she would say, because well, she gets me and I get her. This is why she is one of my "safe people" and I know no matter what she'll still love me.

My a-ha moment came when I realized how destructive my thoughts have been in the past and how much my thinking is changing. I have a great deal of work to do still on my thinking, but overall it has improved. 

I used to constantly think things like, "If I was (insert any perceived desirable trait here: skinnier, prettier, better in bed, kept the house cleaner, etc.) then B wouldn't need porn." That is categorically untrue! I FINALLY believe that. It wouldn't matter what I looked like, what I was willing to do or how clean the house was, he would STILL have looked at porn and masterbated. His addiction and acting out is NOT my fault and I DID NOT cause it! 

I FINALLY BELIEVE THAT I AM ENOUGH! Will someone remind me occasionally though? I'm sure that I will still slip into that mode at times where I think that I can do something to make B change. 

If you are struggling with similar irrational negative thoughts, let me tell you right now that I know how you feel. I also know that YOU ARE ENOUGH! Your husband's addiction has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your worth as a person. I read a quote the other day and I'm sorry I can't remember who said it or the exact words, but it was something to the effect of, "Your worth does not decrease because of anthers inability to see it." It is absolutely true. You are not at fault for your husband's addiction. You are enough!!!

Thinking more clearly,

T.

Survival Mode

This was a very productive weekend. I was a little apprehensive because we had very ambitious plans and that is often a recipe for disappointment around here. We got a lot accomplished though. B. finished a project that I have been wanting done for over a year! I don't normally post personal pictures here (to protect our anonymity), but I was so thrilled with how these shelves turned out that I just had to share. These are on the wall right next to the desk in our office space. All the canisters and containers have office supplies in them. I need a couple more baskets or boxes for paper but even if that doesn't happen, I LOVE THEM!

The other thing we got accomplished was cleaning out our closet. It's almost done anyway, a couple of shelves left to organize and my jewelry to put away and it's done. It was my commitment for the week to my LifeStar group. I'm not going to post a picture of that here. I'll be honest, it is embarrassing and causes some shame, it was THAT bad.

What does this all have to do with the title of the post…survival mode? Because while we were dejunking and editing, building and organizing, it made me realize just how much has gone undone since we moved into our home three-and-a-half years ago. I'll be frank, some of the junk has been piled up and unorganized since BEFORE we moved into our house.  I was contemplating this and it hit me, I have been living in survival mode for YEARS. All I was doing was just enough to get from day to day and accomplish enough to survive.

I didn't realize that I had been just barely getting by for so long. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized that not only am I doing a much better job of keeping up with the day to day things, but I am also getting projects and catch-up done. I'm no longer just surviving! I wanted to do a touchdown dance!

That is not to say that some days aren't rough and sometimes I have to revert back to survival mode. The trauma just gets to be too much for me and I have to revert. Those days are much farther apart than they used to be and I have tools in place to help me get through them. I really am making progress.

The other a-ha moment this weekend was about B. He helped me (a lot) with the closet and he researched, designed, bought the supplies for (with the exception of the reclaimed wood as I already had that), and completed the shelves start to finish in just a few hours. When I sent a picture to one of my friends she said, "I didn't know he was so talented!" I replied, "Neither did he, but I did!"

This is the man that is under this addiction. He is kind and thoughtful. He is talented and artistic. He can see the beauty in items that have history. He is methodical when working on a project. He is determined when he has a serious goal in mind. When our son got a headache tonight and threw-up all over his bedroom, B. cleaned most of it up (and for this I am profoundly grateful)! This is the man I know is is in there. This is the man I am learning to fall in love with.

If you are in survival mode, know that there is hope. Even if your spouse doesn't seek recovery, you can. You can learn how to do more than survive, you can find the strength and determination to have control over your life, instead of your life having control over you. It takes work and determination and a whole lot of help from On High, but it is attainable. Don't give up hope. If you want encouragement or a listening ear, email me at awifeprogressing(at)gmail(dot)com.

Not just surviving,

T.

Addo Needs Your Input

Harriet at A Wife Redeemed posted that Addo Recovery needs the help. If you are the spouse of a Porn/Sex Addict please take a few minutes of your time and provide Addo feedback to better help them understand Betrayal Trauma and develop resources. If you copy and paste this link (https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/TIPSA) into your address bar it will take you to a survey you can fill out anonymously (if you would like). It's a great way to help give insight to what we are feeling or have felt. Please take the time if you can so better resources (although they already have some fabulous ones) can be developed to help in healing from Betrayal Trauma.

Recent Reading

A large part of my time in recovery has been spent reading recovery books. I have read so much in my LifeStar workbooks as well as books written on recovery and other self-help books in general, they have helped me understand and heal. I have a hard time digesting the books in large pieces, so it usually takes me a while to get through even a small one. It also means that I am often reading more than one.

I recently finished "What Can I do About Him Me?" by Rhyll Crowshaw. This book is fantastic for the recovering spouse. She talks about her own journey through recovery and what helped her. It isn't a long book and it has so much great information. If you want to buy it you can get it here.

I have been working reading "Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I'm sure I have mentioned it before, because I have been reading it for a really long time. The main reason it is taking me so long is because once I start reading I can't put it down and I don't often have time to get lost in a book like that. She is so funny, relatable, authentic, full of faith and just plain fun to read. Every time I read this book I get out a pen and highlighter. I have NEVER written or highlighted in a book that wasn't meant for that purpose (i.e.. a text book or workbook), but there is so much to love in her book that I can't help it.

The other book I am currently reading was given to me by a friend for Christmas. She saw the authors on a t.v. show talking about how they wrote it and KNEW that both of us HAD to have it. I am only a few pages in and so far it's fantastic. It is called "Gratitude & Trust: Six Affirmations That Will Change Your Life" by Paul Williams and Tracey Jackson. I read something in there tonight that I want to share. I give full credit for this to the authors and hope that it helps someone else.

"It all starts with honesty. If you're not honest with yourself, how can you be truly honest with anyone else? We spend a lot of energy fooling ourselves, covering for ourselves, and projecting an image that is in opposition of what's actually going on. There is such and emphasis on perfection in our society that we are all terrified of not meeting the standards that we either self-imposed or assume the world is expecting of us. Changing that begins with honesty: being honest about who you are, where you are, what you feel, what you want, and where you might have dropped the ball. Honesty is not only the best policy, it's the starting line of getting through the race of life as smoothly as possible

Purity in many ways is the cousin of honesty. Once you have decided to embrace honesty and let that be the controlling dynamic of your life, you must be pure to that concept. The definition of purity is cleanliness, transparency. So by following the path of purity, you keep your house clean your personal life clean. You maintain transparency about your misdeeds and mistakes because when you're being transparent, you're being honest. And when we're honest, we have nothing to hide from ourselves and others. Addicts of all sorts spend their lives covering their tracks. But any of us who merely have dents in our character - which we all do - spend a lot of our lives trying to mask them, hide from them, numb them, and beat them into oblivion. Think about how much more time you will have to do the things you want and be the person you want when you are not constantly running from your reality trying to cover up the things you don't want to be or do." (personal note: I disregarded the part about the clean house, for me, being in trauma and/or working on recovery means that my house isn't clean. The common areas are picked up and clean much of the time, but there is clutter everywhere. I'm working on this, but it's not a realistic expectation for myself right now.)

Honesty and Purity, or as they defined it, Transparency. Those are the things I strive for in my life, from myself and from B. I want to be honest with him and transparent. I don't want him to question my motives or actions. He does question them a lot, and I am working on being honest about my true feelings with both him and myself. I am also working on giving him transparency into those feelings so that he will know that I AM fighting for us and I DO want to fight to stay together.

There is a lot of push back and pain on his side when I tell him honestly how I am feeling and remain strong in holding my boundaries. He doesn't always LIKE what I tell him and sometimes he leaves our discussions hurting. It is NEVER my intention to inflict pain on him and the pain he feels right now is a result of his actions, not my holding the boundaries around them. I don't want him to hurt and for a lot of years I have tried to protect both of us from it by not acknowledging it. That didn't help either one of us, in fact it caused both of us more pain. I am working on that every.single.day. I am working not to rescue B and to let him feel that pain and work through it. It is really hard for me to watch. If he could honestly heal and find recovery AND do it pain-free, I would help him find that path. It's just not possible to get to the road of recovery (for either of us) without passing through pain.

I am still walking a line between compassion, rescuing and holding healthy boundaries. I ask, ponder, pray, seek and do it all over again every day, several times a day to make sure that I am doing what is best for both of us. I am asking my Father in Heaven to guide me on a path that shows enough compassion without rescuing B and while still maintaining healthy boundaries. It is a fine line, but the longer I walk it the wider it grows and the easier it is to stay on the path. I ask myself the question, what is my motive behind saying/doing this? If the answer isn't that I am doing it to help us heal then it's the wrong thing to say or do and I need to go back and rethink it.

I love my husband very much. I feel that love for him more today than I have in years, maybe ever. I can't however, continue to be betrayed and hurt over and over and over again and so for now I wait. I pray. I have faith. I accept. That's all I can do (besides working on my own recovery). It bears repeating, I love my husband. I want more than anything to find recovery WITH him by my side, holding his hand and fighting together. Please if you have a minute, send up a prayer for us, we could really use it right now.

Transparently Honest,

T.

P.S. I get ABSOLUTELY NO KICKBACK from these books. I just want to share the resources that have helped me. If they don't work for you, that's ok, if you do find them helpful, that's great! If you have others you'd like to share with me, email me or leave them in the comments.

Boundaries and A Celebration

As I mentioned in my last post, I had to enforce boundaries because B acted out. I asked him to sleep on the couch for the night. As I turned my pain over to God and prayed for guidance, I really felt impressed to let him know that he will be sleeping there indefinitely. It was actually pretty tough to tell him that. I don't like having him on the couch. I really felt (and still do feel) strongly that the couch is his bed for now. Boundaries are really hard for me to enforce but I really do feel less resentful and fearful when I enforce them. I can even go so far as to say that they help me find peace. On Thursday B even told me that he was glad that I enforced my boundaries even though it was hard for both of us.

Today, I really had to enforce a boundary for myself and for him. It was very hard for both of us. It may seem small to some, but it was a big deal for me. I have always worked hard to get all of us, including B, out the door to church every Sunday. B has done better at being ready and even helping me get everyone out the door lately. Today, however, he fell asleep mid-morning and didn't set an alarm. I was going to wake him up to get ready and really felt impressed to hold firm on my boundary not to remind him to actively work recovery, which to me includes getting himself to church. I didn't wake him up and he didn't wake up until 12:30 and we have church at 1:00. He said, "Well, I guess I'm not going to Sacrament Meeting." My response was, "You know what time church starts."It was said with a touch of sarcasm, which was a poor response on my part, that I later apologized for. The intent was good, the execution a little lacking. We were able to talk a little while about how my enforcing that boundary wasn't me being vindictive or mean (even though my words said otherwise), but rather me holding him accountable for his behavior, which in the long run is better for both of us. Boundaries are tough to navigate sometimes, but when I examine my motives and decide that I am not being reactionary or punishing, they really do help me grow and find healing.

It was B's birthday on Friday. I decided on Friday morning that I was going celebrate the goodness in my husband. His family didn't always have huge birthday celebrations, and mine did. Birthdays are a big deal to me, so I decided to show him that I really do love him and that I want to celebrate him. I worked hard to do things that I knew mattered to him. I made sure the dishes were done and the house picked up, which always helps him. I took him to lunch in between a counseling and doctor's appointments for both of us. I also took home his favorite restaurant for dinner, which we never eat at because I hate it. It was a good day, for both of us.

I also planned a surprise dinner and invited some of our friends over for Saturday night. I love stuff like that and thought he would too. He didn't enjoy it and I appreciate him letting me know that. When he finally broke it down it was for a couple of reasons. The biggest one was that he doesn't feel worthy of being celebrated by others. That just made me sad. As much as we struggle and as hard of a time as I have at separating my husband from him addiction, he still deserves to be celebrated. Everyone does.

I love my husband enough to be able to enforce boundaries AND celebrate him. I love him enough to hold him accountable. I love him enough to have an ernest desire to see him find true recovery for himself, because HE deserves it.

Celebrating boundaries,

T.

A Week of Up and Down

I have a lot to say today because I have been putting off blogging as it has been a crazy week, and I wanted to do some reflection before I wrote it out. I am not sure if it will end up being one post or more, so buckle in while it pours itself out.

This week I got an email from one of my virtual support friends. In it she asked me a question that I had to really think about. She asked about how I feel about my relationship with B? Wow, I guess I don't really talk about that much here, but when we check in every night I try to honestly evaluate that. The answer varies but all-in-all underlying it is two main emotions, resignation and acceptance. Those might not sound like very affirming emotions, but to me they are. I have reluctantly accepted that this is the course our relationship has to take right now and I have accepted that whatever happens it is in Heavenly Father's hands. I am reluctant to hope for healing right now because it hurts so much each time that hope is squashed. I am reluctant to give my whole heart to B until he has shown he can take care of it. I have accepted that B knows what I need to continue working on healing our marriage and that it is up to him to either work on those or not.  I have accepted that I too have flaws and am actively working on those. I have accepted that this process is time consuming, hard and long and that the timing is not up to me entirely (the only part I have control over is how actively I work my own recovery). I have accepted that I need to work my own recovery and healing and that my relationship will never be able to heal if I don't do those things. I have been reluctant to turn my fears about my marriage over to God but I have accepted that as I have done so, I have had peace. So for now, I am reluctantly accepting that we are on this journey and it is a process that is ever changing and evolving as we both learn and grow.

The next part I have to preface with a little bit of my own personal history. I was truly blessed to be able to live my entire life, until I got married, in the same house. What this meant was that because my family, and others like us, chose to stay grounded in one home I have friends that I don't remember meeting, we have literally been friends our entire lives. We firmly believe that before we came to Earth we were bound together in Heaven. I don't know what I would've done without these friends. One of these dear friend's husband has been valiantly and with all his might, fighting cancer for about the last five years. I found out from her sister on Tuesday that he was back in the hospital and that they were having to make some hard decisions because there are no more treatment options available. Ultimately they decided that he would come home and they would do what they could to keep him comfortable. She is only forty years old and he a few years older! Nobody should have to make those excruciating decisions at such a young age (or ever)! Wednesday I was aching so much for my friend. All I wanted was to be able to do something to help ease her pain. Part of the problem is that we are now more than four hours apart and so it wasn't physically feasible for me to be there. I have arranged what I could through others, I have reached out through text and phone to let her know I'm thinking about her. I have prayed for both her and her husband. But what I really needed Wednesday was to be held and allowed to cry and grieve for my friend and for the heartache I am feeling for her and for my own feelings of helplessness at easing her burden. I needed that from B. I needed him to be able to sit with me in my pain and hold me and be strong for me. He couldn't because he chose to act out twice on Wednesday. It hurt so much more knowing that I literally had nobody to hold me, nobody to comfort me physically at least. After a good long cry and some fervent prayer, I felt held and comforted by my Father in Heaven. His love was evident to me that night.

While I still find myself spilling tears around this event, I have found so much peace this week and it has been so healing. I still cry off and on for my friend, my heart is just aching for her and her little family. I am crying for all the times that I have had to be strong for myself and my family, because I had nobody else to turn to. I cry because the pain of the betrayal of all the things we have lost to this damn addiction make my grief come in waves. Sometimes I just cry because it feels good to let that pain go. For so many years I have not let myself feel the pain and it really feels good to be able to let it go (and I'm really sorry if you are singing that silly song from Frozen in your head now). This whole process is painful, but I know on the other side I will come out stronger for it.

All of that grief and sadness aside, there was one positive in the whole thing, I saw tangible evidence of recovery from B. He DID act out twice on Wednesday, and I DID take it personally as his choice of his addiction over me (I'll get to that in a minute), BUT he TOOK ACCOUNTABILITY for it! When I came home and he knew I needed comfort and to be held, before he reached out and gave me that he told me about his acting out. He knew it would hurt me and that I would be upset, but he also knew that if he allowed himself to provide me the comfort that I needed physically and emotionally and THEN told me or let me find out the truth, that I would feel so much more betrayed. He was 100% right. If i had found out after the fact that he allowed himself to act the part of a supportive husband all while withholding the truth from me, I would feel so much more betrayed. It is painful that he chose to act out and therefore was not a safe person to share my grief with. I will not however, fault him for telling me, that is progress and that is what I need to see.

Here's where I tell you about me taking his slip as a personal affront and about my LifeStar group calling me on my shit in a loving and compassionate way. What I said was "It just hurts so much that he chose his addiction over me." One of my group members asked our leader if sex addiction was the same as drug addiction and sometimes just not within your control. She was going to let it slide that night as I was so upset, but I'm glad she didn't. She reinforced gently the things I already know but had chosen to ignore at that particular moment. Logically I know that he got to a point (after not actively working recovery for a few weeks and not reaching out and using his tools) where acting out was pretty much inevitable. He was too far overcome by his addiction to find his way out at that moment. I know his brain is broken and that he was in addict mode with no way out that he could find at that particular moment. That in no way excuses his actions. He is still responsible ultimately, because he chose to not actively work on his recovery and to not reach out. He chose to not use his tools. But that choice was made weeks before that day. He still chose not to fight, but it wasn't that day that the choice was made. I love having people in my life that can safely call me on my shit and help me pull myself out of victim mode. It really is an amazing warrior community that I am surrounded by!

I have more to tell you, but no time to tell it right now. In my next post I will try to remember to tell you about enforcing my boundaries and B's birthday this week.

Accepting with resignation,

T.

I Know That Feeling

My parents have been here visiting for the last two days. I love my parents very much and would be lost without them, but sometimes they are not the easiest people to be around. They are very much afraid of what others will think. They have always had impossibly hight standards and are very critical of anyone they don't feel measures up. Well a porn addict certainly wouldn't measure up…and neither would his wife. I don't like that I feel that way about my parents, but they have proven over time not to be safe people to be vulnerable with about the deepest, scariest parts of my life. It goes without saying then, we haven't told them about B's addiction.

My parents know we are struggling and that our relationship is fragile right now. They know we are spending time in groups and therapy. As far as they know we are just working through some issues. For now, that's the way it needs to be. I can't take the pressure of wondering how they would react while trying to work on my recovery.

That background is needed when I tell you I had to work through my panic at the thought of seeing them yesterday. I love my parents and I love being able to see them. I realized on the way home from work yesterday that I was panicking. I was able to calm myself through some deep breathing and work through it. As part of that I was trying to pin point why I was so anxious to see them…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'M KEEPING A SECRET!

Holy cow! Is this how B felt all the time while keeping his secret? I have known for years about his addiction, even if I didn't realize it was an addiction. But, nobody knew so I was keeping the secret from everybody, not just two of the most important people in my life. It is so crazy how much of a difference that makes. I am keeping a HUGE secret from two of my most important people. It hurts. It is panic inducing. I HATE doing it…but it is necessary…for now at least. I have to get some more healing under my belt first. 

I HATE SECRETS! I hope that I can work through this issue soon.

Secretly,

T

Realizations: Part 1

I have had a few lightbulb moments lately and I want to share a couple small ones with you.

The first realization hit me last weekend. It was like a totally "aha" moment. I realized that my healing is further along than I thought (at least for the present moment). I was thinking about the last time I had a full-on panic attack and realized it was the day after disclosure almost a month before and it only lasted about thirty seconds or so before I was able to calm myself. I don't remember the last time before that. You don't realize how HUGE that is for me. It's monumental. I have been having panic attacks for the last four years, seemingly out of nowhere (although since I am now learning about Betrayal Trauma I realize where they come from). These would sometimes happen a couple of times a day. It has been awful…especially since I used to be a pretty laid back person. It was such a relief to realize that I am able to better control my reactions. 

Last Saturday B decided to take a nap for half an hour. He said he would set his alarm and get up. Well, I heard his alarm go off and he turned it off and went back to sleep. When he finally got up two and half hours later, he said, "You should've gotten me up sooner." My only response was, "Not my job, you're a grown up." While that may seem like a perfectly normal response in a healthy relationship, it was not a normal response for me. The pre-recovery work me would've bugged and nagged him to get up. Then when he didn't I would've done the work I had planned to do but would've made as much noise slamming doors and stomping around as I could. Saturday, I didn't. I wasn't walking around on tip toes but I wasn't stomping either. I just went about doing what I had planned and figured he'd get up when he was ready. I didn't own his oversleeping and I didn't get into drama because of it. It was absolutely fan-freaking-tastic to feel so in control of how I reacted. (That doesn't mean that I was ok with his behavior, I did disconnect emotionally but in a way that said, I'm not okay with that behavior but I will not own it)

I can't tell you how absolutely empowering it is to feel like I'm in control of how I react. It feels like I have been set free from a monstrous burden that I was carrying and felt so out of control of. I absolutely love it! It's signs of progress for me and I will take any sign I can find that I am starting to heal!

A little lighter,

T.

Rescuing vs. Compassion/Empathy

One of the things we learned about in Phase I of LifeStar is the Drama Triangle. If you don't know what that is you can learn more here. Basically it talks about how when we enter drama or conflict we often assume a certain role most often or have a couple we switch back and forth between. The three rolls are victim, rescuer and persecutor. Hands down I am a rescuer. I have actually known that about myself for a very long time. What I struggle with the most is how to break out of that. How do I not be a rescuer? Where is the balance between rescuing someone (especially B) and having compassion on them. I am sincerely struggling with this.

I have really tried to recognize lately when we are in drama and do my best to walk away from it. I am not always successful. I have slipped into both persecutor and victim roles easily lately and I think it's partly in an effort to stay out of the role of rescuer. I am just really struggling to find the balance between being compassionate while holding B accountable and rescuing him. I have most often been the one to step in and rescue him by being the first to make an attempt to make up. Usually through a physical gesture or sexual overture. I often will be the one who takes care of a lot of the responsibilities to keep the family running. I was always so hungry for peace and connection that I rushed in to achieve that in any way possible. I have stopped doing that.

I have asked B repeatedly for what I need right now to feel safe and start to trust. He can't say that he doesn't know, yet he maintains that he isn't giving me those things because I am just so angry all the time. We are back to the chicken and the egg dilemma. How do we separate the chicken and the egg and get out of this cycle?

I could go back to always being the first to apologize and reach out in a physical display of affection. The problem with that is that I don't feel safe, loved or cherished and I have no desire to keep sharing myself physically when I feel so unimportant to B. I really want him to stop giving me half hearted apologies and show me that he loves and appreciates me and that he is committed to recovery.  Until that happens I don't see myself being willing to take down any walls.

B feels like because I am trying to get out of the role of rescuer that I have stepped in to the role of persecutor and that I am nothing but angry all the time. That may be true. I am frequently angry, but even I can see that is covering up the hurt underneath. Because B feels that I have been giving him nothing but anger, I tried being vulnerable last night. I tried sharing some of the pain I was feeling and a realization that hit me yesterday. He listened and I felt like he was digesting it and working through it, but today I feel like that never happened. He keeps telling me that he knows this is really hard on me and that he understand my hurt, but he isn't making any strong work to help lift that burden at all. I tried to share that burden last night and it seemed like he helped carry it then, but I'm left holding it all again today. I'm exhausted from carrying the burden. I need a partner. I need a helpmeet. I need a husband who loves and cherishes me to help me carry the load. Right now, I don't have that.

If anyone out there has any suggestions on how I can show B compassion without rescuing him I would love to hear them. I'm am emotionally and physically wrung out and I don't know how to move forward.

Former rescuer seeking compassion,

T.

It's A New Year

Happy New Year to y'all. Well, it's a new year at any rate. I am hoping that this coming year brings more happiness than the last one has, because I am ready for it. It seems that the moments of true joy and happiness are so fleeting that I struggle to remember them in between.

I have really been struggling since disclosure. I didn't think it was going to impact me the way it has. Actually, that's not true, I DID expect it to impact me a great deal, but I also had high expectations that after disclosure B would really start working hard on recovery. If I was being completely honest, I would say I have really taken a few steps back in my recovery because of the combination of disclosure and my own lack of diligence in working my recovery. I can own that I haven't been very diligent in my recovery work and it has helped to impede my progress.

Right now my heart is aching, truly physically aching. I really, sincerely believed that once disclosure was over things would be different. B would feel lighter because he wasn't holding things back or hiding them anymore. I would feel more determined to work on my recovery because this is where I could start working on healing our relationship. Neither of those things has happened. Neither one of us has really actively been working recovery. Neither one of us wants to reach out to the other.

After disclosure I put my walls partially back up. It didn't hurt as bad at first as I anticipated it would and I even wanted to be held and comforted by B. I think he took that to mean that it was going to be as bad as it got. I tried to break it to him that it was probably going to hit me later and that the hardest was probably still yet to come. Apparently either he didn't think that was the case or I didn't clearly communicate that, because he truly didn't think it was going to get worse. When it did get worse and I had an entire week where I cried pretty much all the time and just wanted him to be the strong one and take care of me, it didn't happen. He made it about him and how hurt he was by my pain and anger. How it made him feel shame when I got angry about things that have happened and how much recovery it costing us in time and money. That's when the walls went all the way back up and haven't come down.

Maybe part of me was trying to punish him, make him feel some of the pain that I am feeling. In all honesty, I don't want to intentionally hurt or shame him. I honestly don't want to cause him hurt, but by hiding the pain from everyone for so many years I haven't let myself feel it. It's going to take time and work, and a lot of it, to be able to heal and feel safety and trust again. I am committed to working on my own recovery, but our recovery as a couple is on hold for now until I see the actions that will help me to feel safe and start to rebuild trust.

I think the thing that scares me the most is that B is not committed to working his recovery to heal himself. He flat out told me that he doesn't know what he is working on recovery for because I am not showing him love (I am paraphrasing, but the sentiment is still the same). I told him that he couldn't work recovery for us, he has to work on his own healing first. He doesn't think it's worth it, it's not enough he told me, to work on it for himself, he has to see some civility and compassion from me. That scares the SHIT out of me (pardon my language). He will never fully be in recovery if that's why he is doing it. He has to want to heal his own heart, mind and spirit before he can truly work on our healing as a couple. This has been my biggest fear going into recovery, that B won't want to get better unless I work to heal us as a couple. I can't do that right now. I have to be able to see action on his part before I can work on our healing as a couple. It's quite a stalemate we have. I can't lower my walls and let him in and he won't work on recovery because I won't lower my walls and be vulnerable. I don't know where we go from here as a couple. I know where I need to go and I am honestly getting my map out and working on heading that direction. B will have to make his own decision.

Heartbroken but recommitted,

T.