Boundaries and A Celebration

As I mentioned in my last post, I had to enforce boundaries because B acted out. I asked him to sleep on the couch for the night. As I turned my pain over to God and prayed for guidance, I really felt impressed to let him know that he will be sleeping there indefinitely. It was actually pretty tough to tell him that. I don't like having him on the couch. I really felt (and still do feel) strongly that the couch is his bed for now. Boundaries are really hard for me to enforce but I really do feel less resentful and fearful when I enforce them. I can even go so far as to say that they help me find peace. On Thursday B even told me that he was glad that I enforced my boundaries even though it was hard for both of us.

Today, I really had to enforce a boundary for myself and for him. It was very hard for both of us. It may seem small to some, but it was a big deal for me. I have always worked hard to get all of us, including B, out the door to church every Sunday. B has done better at being ready and even helping me get everyone out the door lately. Today, however, he fell asleep mid-morning and didn't set an alarm. I was going to wake him up to get ready and really felt impressed to hold firm on my boundary not to remind him to actively work recovery, which to me includes getting himself to church. I didn't wake him up and he didn't wake up until 12:30 and we have church at 1:00. He said, "Well, I guess I'm not going to Sacrament Meeting." My response was, "You know what time church starts."It was said with a touch of sarcasm, which was a poor response on my part, that I later apologized for. The intent was good, the execution a little lacking. We were able to talk a little while about how my enforcing that boundary wasn't me being vindictive or mean (even though my words said otherwise), but rather me holding him accountable for his behavior, which in the long run is better for both of us. Boundaries are tough to navigate sometimes, but when I examine my motives and decide that I am not being reactionary or punishing, they really do help me grow and find healing.

It was B's birthday on Friday. I decided on Friday morning that I was going celebrate the goodness in my husband. His family didn't always have huge birthday celebrations, and mine did. Birthdays are a big deal to me, so I decided to show him that I really do love him and that I want to celebrate him. I worked hard to do things that I knew mattered to him. I made sure the dishes were done and the house picked up, which always helps him. I took him to lunch in between a counseling and doctor's appointments for both of us. I also took home his favorite restaurant for dinner, which we never eat at because I hate it. It was a good day, for both of us.

I also planned a surprise dinner and invited some of our friends over for Saturday night. I love stuff like that and thought he would too. He didn't enjoy it and I appreciate him letting me know that. When he finally broke it down it was for a couple of reasons. The biggest one was that he doesn't feel worthy of being celebrated by others. That just made me sad. As much as we struggle and as hard of a time as I have at separating my husband from him addiction, he still deserves to be celebrated. Everyone does.

I love my husband enough to be able to enforce boundaries AND celebrate him. I love him enough to hold him accountable. I love him enough to have an ernest desire to see him find true recovery for himself, because HE deserves it.

Celebrating boundaries,

T.