Aching

I've been visibly absent here for over a month. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I haven't been taking care of myself. I have slipped in my recovery. Tonight though, I need to write. I guess I should say, in the wee hours of morning I NEED to write. There is something inside of me that has to come out, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I just have to write. Bear with me because my soul needs to be heard.

B. is not in recovery, he's not sober, maybe from pornography and masturbation, but he isn't sober. He is numbing out in other ways. Computer, t.v., sleep, hobbies. He isn't working on becoming sober either. He is hiding behind blame, anger, hurt and perceived rejection. He feels that this week he has finally found what the root of his problem is, and maybe he has. I hope so for his sake, but I am having an impossible time finding compassion for him. My heart is broken and my insides are raw, but all he can see is how poorly I treat him, which isn't entirely wrong. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't take any more hurt either.

Tonight I was watching a Christian movie called The Song. It's about a man of faith who goes the way of fame and all that that often entails. Without divulging too much of the movies plot, at the very end he says to his wife, "You are enough." I cried. How long have I waited to hear those words and truly feel that they were honest? How much have I ached to feel that I am enough for my husband? Our entire marriage, that's how long. I have waited almost twenty-one years to feel that I am enough for the man that I chose as my eternal companion. I want to be done waiting. I asked to be done waiting, but His answer was, "Not yet, hold on a little longer." That was not the answer I wanted, it hurts too much, but it's the answer I received.

I have caused much of my own pain the last few weeks because I have slipped back into old patterns. I have let my boundaries slip because I just wanted to connect to B. I have rescued. I have compromised myself by being intimate because he wanted to, even though I didn't want to. I have done all of this in the hope that he would just see me. Why? Why did I do these things when they haven't worked for twenty years? I don't know. Okay, well I guess I do know. I desperately want my marriage to be happy and for my husband to love me. I want to feel that I matter to him. I don't feel that way and he told me himself that I don't. It was probably the most honest thing he has said to me, maybe ever. He didn't say it in a mean way, or in anger. He was right, I don't matter to him, because he is broken. My question is, how long to I have to wait to matter? How long am I supposed to stay in a marriage with a man that I don't matter to..."...a little longer." was the answer I got.

It's been heavy on my mind this week to ask for a separation, and for B. to leave the house. I have agonized over it. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my counselor and my group about it. I have prayed and prayed, talked to Heavenly Father and prayed some more. I felt that I knew the answer was that I needed to uphold some boundaries and "hold on a little longer." I knew that was my answer, and I went to the Temple today and received confirmation of that answer. Either way there wasn't a good answer for me. Either way my heart is breaking. Either way I am hurting. I have faith in Him and his timing, and so for now I am here and I am working.

I am enough for Him and for now, that has to be enough for me.

Achingly,

T.