Sunday, November 15, 2015


I've been visibly absent here for over a month. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I haven't been taking care of myself. I have slipped in my recovery. Tonight though, I need to write. I guess I should say, in the wee hours of morning I NEED to write. There is something inside of me that has to come out, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I just have to write. Bear with me because my soul needs to be heard.

B. is not in recovery, he's not sober, maybe from pornography and masturbation, but he isn't sober. He is numbing out in other ways. Computer, t.v., sleep, hobbies. He isn't working on becoming sober either. He is hiding behind blame, anger, hurt and perceived rejection. He feels that this week he has finally found what the root of his problem is, and maybe he has. I hope so for his sake, but I am having an impossible time finding compassion for him. My heart is broken and my insides are raw, but all he can see is how poorly I treat him, which isn't entirely wrong. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't take any more hurt either.

Tonight I was watching a Christian movie called The Song. It's about a man of faith who goes the way of fame and all that that often entails. Without divulging too much of the movies plot, at the very end he says to his wife, "You are enough." I cried. How long have I waited to hear those words and truly feel that they were honest? How much have I ached to feel that I am enough for my husband? Our entire marriage, that's how long. I have waited almost twenty-one years to feel that I am enough for the man that I chose as my eternal companion. I want to be done waiting. I asked to be done waiting, but His answer was, "Not yet, hold on a little longer." That was not the answer I wanted, it hurts too much, but it's the answer I received.

I have caused much of my own pain the last few weeks because I have slipped back into old patterns. I have let my boundaries slip because I just wanted to connect to B. I have rescued. I have compromised myself by being intimate because he wanted to, even though I didn't want to. I have done all of this in the hope that he would just see me. Why? Why did I do these things when they haven't worked for twenty years? I don't know. Okay, well I guess I do know. I desperately want my marriage to be happy and for my husband to love me. I want to feel that I matter to him. I don't feel that way and he told me himself that I don't. It was probably the most honest thing he has said to me, maybe ever. He didn't say it in a mean way, or in anger. He was right, I don't matter to him, because he is broken. My question is, how long to I have to wait to matter? How long am I supposed to stay in a marriage with a man that I don't matter to..."...a little longer." was the answer I got.

It's been heavy on my mind this week to ask for a separation, and for B. to leave the house. I have agonized over it. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my counselor and my group about it. I have prayed and prayed, talked to Heavenly Father and prayed some more. I felt that I knew the answer was that I needed to uphold some boundaries and "hold on a little longer." I knew that was my answer, and I went to the Temple today and received confirmation of that answer. Either way there wasn't a good answer for me. Either way my heart is breaking. Either way I am hurting. I have faith in Him and his timing, and so for now I am here and I am working.

I am enough for Him and for now, that has to be enough for me.




  1. i have been there. i have been where you are. i got the 'hold on' answer as well. the only thing that saved me was self care and really clear boundaries. for me that included an in house separation, some space for me to learn to love myself even though he couldn't yet do that. i don't have an end to the story, just a continued process, but i am glad i trusted the answers that came all along the way. trust your answers. trust your recovery. these things will guide you. it is so hearbreaking to be in a marriage in this state. your pain is real. let it guide you as to how to turn to God for healing. it is hard but good that your husband realizes his limitations. those are where God can fill in until and if the time is right for the marriage to be rebuilt. in the meantime, let the Lord be your husband, as it were. "For thy maker, thy husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel". this trial nearly broke me. but it has helped me understand myself and God more than anything I have ever experienced. all these things shall give thee experience and will be consecrated for your good. your faith is inspiring. God bless you. and know you are not alone.

    1. Thank you for your kind words and your faith. The number one thing I have learned and gained from this trial is a renewed faith in my Heavenly Father and the knowledge that He will protect and guide me as I put my faith and trust in Him. It is a constant process to turn my will over to Him, but I am learning to do it.

  2. Hugs! Work on detaching the best you can. Definitely stop rescuing him. Find your strength to hold those boundaries firm and hold his feet to the fire as best as you can. I know it sucks. I'm right in here with you. Follow what your heart says and if you can be true to that every night when you go to bed and every morning when you wake up you'll be fine. Maybe god doesn't want you off on your own in the state you're in quite yet. Get stronger and see what happens.

    1. Thank you friend. My LifeStar leader said something to the effect of "Boundaries help us have compassion." This is so true and something I am learning and relearning all the time. Boundaries are hard work but they keep me safe.