I realized this morning, after an excruciating night of pain and fighting, that B hasn't seen the real me in years, I haven't let him. It's scary for me to let him see the me that I've been hiding, because some days she's not very happy. I realized I have been protecting B in some ways for years from the consequences of his addiction. I haven't let him see the pain and anger that his acting out has caused because I was always afraid that it would just give him one more reason to turn to porn. I let some of it out yesterday and he didn't like it at all. He found a way to make it all about him, even though I was trying to be honest with him. It hurts, it really really hurts and B thinks I'm overreacting. I don't come here to air our dirty laundry, but I need someplace that I can be me and it's ok to feel whatever I'm feeling.
It started with a question from me about who he wanted to be his accountability partner for Covenant Eyes, because it can't be me right now. He doesn't feel he needs one unless it's me. His words were, "I don't need an acceptability partner because there is no shame in confessing if I slip. I have faith that I'm not going to slip and if I do there is no shame in confessing it." Those may not be his exact words, but they were along that line. He's in the recovery honeymoon, I get it, I've been there too. Someday maybe he will forgive me for not having the same amount of faith in him, because I don't. I do love him, and I really want to hope that we are past the acting out and lying, but I'm not there yet.
I'll explain why I want him to have an accountability partner and why it can't be me. I want him to have someone that he can talk to on a regular basis about any slips or temptations. I want him to have someone he can reach out to if he needs to. Right now I can't be that person. It hurts too much when he slips and I honestly don't want to hear about all his temptations right now. I want to know that when/if he has a slip HE takes accountability to tell me about it. I need that honesty and open communication. Right now I need there to be no more dishonesty or lying. I feel like if I was getting an accountability report for him that he would let that be his disclosure to me instead of taking the accountability to come tell me.
I think I understand why he wants me to get the report. He feels that if I was getting the report it would be that much more of a deterrent to acting out. He feels that it would help protect him from acting out. I get that, but I can't be the police anymore. I can't be used to police his activity anymore. I've done that for years. Played Sherlock Holmes to uncover any suspicious activity, questioned him like a suspect and tried to get him to break down. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want the fear of getting caught acting out to be what motivates him. I need to know that our family and our marriage are worth not acting out for. I need to know that the joy he finds in recovery and in truly connecting with me and our children are worth not acting out for.
It seems like a little minor issue to him, and maybe it is, to him. But it isn't to me. It's a big issue. I need him to have a support person other than me. He keeps saying he is going to find one but he hasn't yet. If he doesn't want someone to get his accountability report, then so be it, I won't ever force that on him, it's his choice. He doesn't see it as a choice, his exact words were, "It's not really a choice because if I don't find someone to get my report then there is a consequence." Yep there is. There is always a consequence and we have to deal with them.
I let the "discussion" get out of hand and it deteriorated over the afternoon. I should have walked away much sooner than I did. I was accused of being unsupportive, unforgiving, manipulative, making it so that he couldn't concentrate on his work and letting one little thing ruin our happiness. It hurt, it really really hurt. I tried to let it go. I tried to say, it's his "addict brain" talking and not the man I was starting to see. But, the thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't think it should hurt. He doesn't think that I have the right to be hurt and angry some days. Somehow, after 17 years of lying and acting out, of him turning to porn instead of to me, I'm supposed to just embrace the new him. The man who IS working recovery, the man who has made HUGE steps in honesty and openness. I DO see these changes, changes that have NEVER happened before. I do embrace this man, hesitantly because I'm afraid of him disappearing. It will hurt so much more because I have seen the changes in him, I LOVE the changes in him. I am not ready to embrace those changes wholeheartedly yet because it will hurt so much if those changes aren't truly permanent.
We both have so far to go in our individual recovery and the recovery of our marriage. He feels that I am sabotaging our recovery as a couple with my anger and lack of faith. I feel that I have made huge strides in our recovery as a couple but that I have work to do on myself that will greatly help us as a couple. I love my husband, probably more so now than I have in years. I want to make my marriage work. I want to be happy in my relationship again. I honestly do. But I need to feel safe again. I need to feel like it's ok to be me and to have bad days and that he will still love me and not turn to porn. I need time, I may need lots and lots of time.
Hurting still,
T.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Waiting-For-the-Other-Shoe-to-Drop-Feeling-of-Impending-Doom
It's after 2 AM and I'm not sleeping. It's not that I can't sleep, I'm pretty sure I could sleep without problem if I let myself. Why don't you let yourself then you ask? Well, the easy answer would be because I don't want to…but that's not true, I DO want to, desperately. I have let myself steep in my anxiety and fear for so long tonight that I have to process it and let it go, therefore I blog.
I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight.
I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation.
I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.
There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now.
Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level. I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.
Finding my way out of my head,
T.
I think I am anxious and nervous because tomorrow starts the return to my "regular life". I go back to my calling tomorrow. I have to teach a lesson I haven't even looked at and let me tell you that my class will know. It's not that I haven't had the time, it's that I have been so focused on recovery and my family the last two weeks that I haven't even thought about it until tonight.
I also return to work this week which for the first time in a long time I'm really honestly dreading. Not because I don't like my job, I do like it and I have fabulous coworkers. I have just had such and amazing "vacation" while recovering physically that it will be hard to give that up. I have had time for me. Time to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without worrying about fitting it in around life. I know it's crazy to call recovery from surgery a vacation, but to me any time off work is really a vacation.
I am going to have to reassess my priorities and figure out what I need to sacrifice for my recovery, because my recovery is not optional. It is mandatory. The healing and growth that I have found in the last two weeks has been nothing short of miraculous to me. My heart is finally finding hope and I don't want to lose any of that. I know there will still be days where the hope is just not there, but I want to do everything I can to hold on to as much of it as is possible.
There are also two huge recovery milestones approaching this week and I am far more anxious about them that I realized. Number one is disclosure to our kids. This is happening tomorrow. I know this is the right thing and that it needs to happen now, that has been confirmed to me over and over, that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me. The second is that we are starting LifeStar on Tuesday. I am excited for this step in our journey and the healing and recovery we are both hoping to achieve there. At the same time I just feel like everything is going to get worse before it gets better. After knowing a couple of weeks of 'better than it's been in years', it's going to be that much farther to fall. It's that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-feeling-of-impending-doom that is choking me right now.
Just writing this all down and putting this out there has already significantly decreased my anxiety level. I think that after a few min and some deep breathing I will be able to get out of my head and let myself sleep. Good night.
Finding my way out of my head,
T.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Unsettled
I actually hadn't planned on blogging tonight, but I need to and yet here I sit unsure of where to start or what to say. I'm anxious, I'm nauseated, I'm sad, I'm hurt I'm upset angry and yet I'm unable to articulate what I want to say about all those emotions. I guess why I am struggling so much, is because I've been waiting a couple of days to see if B would blog about this last weekend or not. I have blogged so much about how healing this weekend was for me, but is was not so much that for B.
I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book.
Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.
I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…
Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.
I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.
I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.
He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.
I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess.
B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now.
I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.
Feeling a little bit better,
T.
I'm not here to tattle on or rat out my husband, but I need a chance to process what I'm feeling and I can't wait anymore for him to disclose here. He disclosed to me and that is enough. I think I have been holding back some of my feelings about his slip/relapse this weekend in the hopes that he would come forward and I wouldn't have to put it out there first. B had a slip/relapse of epic proportions…well it felt epic in my book.
Part of my initial hesitation to go see my family this last weekend was the fear that he would turn to porn while I was gone. I quickly dismissed that thought, because I decided he was going to do what he was going to do and I couldn't let it influence my decision. I still stand by that, and the most miraculous part of my healing is the fact that Heavenly Father just took that worry away from me. It honestly wasn't even on my radar while I was gone. I gave that one to God and it was so freeing. I also felt like if he did turn to porn I had no control over that and was not going to own it at all. I didn't. I don't.
I was sitting in church on Sunday when I inadvertently opened my email on my phone. Immediately an email from B grabbed my attention because he never emails me. As I'm sure you have already guessed it was his disclosure. I cried through pretty much all of Sacrament Meeting. I read his disclosure in it's entirety at the beginning of the meeting…which happened to be the Primary program. To hear the beautiful little spirits sing with all their hearts about their eternal families made my pain that much more acute. It touched me so much but at the same time was so hard to hear. I feel so robbed of so many good years I could have spent with my eternal family, so many years that we could have been so much happier as a family. This is where the hurt hit me hard, Sunday at Sacrament meeting…
Tonight the anger kicked in. It wasn't just about the acting out that happened this weekend it was about the fact that B feels I am not being a support to him in his recovery. I'm not noticing the positive things he is doing. I'll be honest, until I feel safe again, I'm probably not going to be much support to him.
I'm trying to quiet my brain enough to focus on what I want to say and I'm having a very difficult time of it tonight. I feel like this post is going to be disjointed at best, but I'm getting it out there in the best way I can tonight.
I guess the anger really kicked in tonight during our first check-in, not our first check-in tonight, but our first one ever. I have a boundary about needing him to actively work on recovery every single day. It doesn't have to be workbook work or blogging, but something that is actively working recovery every day. I haven't seen him do this for a while and I let him know I wasn't ok with that and distanced myself from him emotionally. He said there were days that he worked recovery before I got up or when I wasn't around. I told him that it doesn't really help me feel safe if I don't know what he is working on or see him working. Thus, we mutually decided to have a check-in every night before bed to talk about that, any slips, lust hits etc. and that I would let him know where I am emotionally. Tonight we were both tired, but tried to give it a go.
He told me that he didn't do too much on recovery but that he did go to the grocery store with me and help put groceries away and folded laundry. When pushed that is the only work he did today that he counted as recovery work. I wanted to yell "BIG FREAKING DEAL!" but instead I tried to use my words calmly, because I do appreciate the help, admittedly I pretty much failed. I wasn't calm and it came out. He could sense my frustration and pulled away from me closing himself off. We were able to regroup a little bit but I think be both still came away frustrated, at least I know I did. I don't think helping me run our household counts as recovery work. That counts as being an active part of the family. It counts as mandatory in my book. I especially got frustrated that he felt he was doing me a favor when I had surgery a freaking week and a half ago. SURGERY! Remember? I hurt tonight. I overdid today. I shouldn't have the bulk of the responsibility for the household when I am trying to physically recover. I should be being taken care of.
I think the anger really reared it's ugly head when I got frustrated because most of the housework I did today he could have done during his porn binge while I was gone this weekend. I walked in the door at 1 am on Monday morning to the same mess I left (yes I know I share some responsibility for the mess, I'm not trying to excuse that away). I realized right at that very moment that a messy house is a GIGANTIC trigger for me emotionally. The chaos of a messy house is a visible reminder of the chaos in my marriage. It is proof that my life is a mess.
B feels that no matter what he would've gotten done it wouldn't had been enough, I would've still expected more. I told him that he's right, we both always have more we can give to our marriage. But that doesn't mean that either of us should quit trying. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't work on recovery or healing. I wish I could better explain it. I do appreciate the recovery work he is doing, and maybe it deserves to be acknowledged more that I do…but in all honesty years of dishonesty, pain and acting out aren't going to be erased or fixed by a few weeks of recovery work. I'm sorry, but they just aren't. I don't feel safe enough yet, and when my need for safety isn't met, I just can't reach out to be your cheerleader. I don't have it in me right now.
I do love you B and I'm am actively fighting for our family.
Feeling a little bit better,
T.
Monday, October 20, 2014
My Parent's Love
This past weekend was healing and painful all at the same time. As I mentioned in my last post I was able to reach out to my parents via a letter to let them know I was struggling. Their response was to let me bring it up if I wanted to. We aren't the best family at communicating and I wish I would've gotten some sort of acknowledgement from them verbally, but they did show me with hugs and time spent with me that they were there for me.
On Saturday night when it was just my parents, my sister and I together, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. For some this would just be an accepted thing that a dad would do, but that's not how my family has ever worked. I can only remember one other time of my dad giving me a blessing and it took every ounce of courage for me to ask for it at that time. It just wasn't something that happened a lot at my house. Anyway, he immediately got up from his chair and asked if there was anything in particular I needed a blessing for and gave me a father's blessing. It was so powerful in it's simplicity. I immediately had so much peace and knew that no matter what my parents were there for me. I am crying now just thinking of how much this huge step in my relationship with my parents has meant.
I still have a long ways to go in fully opening myself up to my parents and to letting them see my struggles, but I know that no matter how long it takes there is no time limit with them.
I had really planned to blog some more about the events of the weekend, but right now, this is all I need. I just needed to remember the love and support my parents have for me and the healing that I was able to do these last 4 days.
On Saturday night when it was just my parents, my sister and I together, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. For some this would just be an accepted thing that a dad would do, but that's not how my family has ever worked. I can only remember one other time of my dad giving me a blessing and it took every ounce of courage for me to ask for it at that time. It just wasn't something that happened a lot at my house. Anyway, he immediately got up from his chair and asked if there was anything in particular I needed a blessing for and gave me a father's blessing. It was so powerful in it's simplicity. I immediately had so much peace and knew that no matter what my parents were there for me. I am crying now just thinking of how much this huge step in my relationship with my parents has meant.
I still have a long ways to go in fully opening myself up to my parents and to letting them see my struggles, but I know that no matter how long it takes there is no time limit with them.
I had really planned to blog some more about the events of the weekend, but right now, this is all I need. I just needed to remember the love and support my parents have for me and the healing that I was able to do these last 4 days.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
A Road Trip, Me Time and Catharsis
I'm just going to warn you up front that this is most likely going to be a lengthy post and may not be digestible in one sitting. It promises to reveal a lot about my recovery to me though, so I am writing exactly what I need to, no matter how long it ends up being. I don't normally include personal pictures here, but this was what my workspace looked like this morning.
Yesterday one of my coworkers came to visit me and brought me some fun things for my surgical recovery. It was a great visit and she threw out, "Hey, I am going to visit my husband on his travel assignment and I know your sister is nearby, we have room why don't you come?" I initially dismissed it as an impossibility, but quickly rethought as I have been missing my sister and parents a lot lately and it would be great to see them. My kids already had plans to go spend a couple nights with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I knew it would probably not be a problem for them to stay all weekend, so that wasn't a concern. B has to work today and tomorrow so I was going to be home alone anyway those two days. I am off work and really had nothing planned, so I decided as long as B didn't have any major reason why I shouldn't go, that I would jump at the chance. Today finds me all alone in my parents house (as they are out of town) and wow has it been a day. Like I said, my parents are out of town (just until tomorrow), my niece and nephew are in school and my sister and brother-in-law are working today. It turns out that time for me, all by myself with nothing at all scheduled or planned was exactly what I needed.
I was walking across the kitchen headed to get in the shower when mid-stride it was like I hit an emotional force field. I don't even know how to describe it. From one step to the next it was like a dam had broken open and all these sobs just started wracking my body. I mean literally out of nowhere. This has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I immediately knew that a lot of my numbness was gone and I was feeling again, feeling things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in years. I KNEW, as surely as I knew I needed to take my next breath, what I HAD to do. I needed to sit down right then and record my thoughts and feelings in order to process what was happening. What came out was a five page handwritten letter to my parents. It did not detail what our particular struggles are right now, but explained a little of what is going on. It was my opening to them to let them in and ask for their support. It actually shocked me. I had no intention of telling them, I haven't for a long time. It was such a surreal experience. I had to take a few breaks during writing because I was literally sobbing so hard that I couldn't see. I'm not sure I have ever cried that hard, not associated with my recovery, of that I'm certain. I have read accounts where other wives have talked about curling up on the floor sobbing, but I have never actually felt that way until today. That's what I wanted to do, curl up on the floor and sob.
It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I don't want to forget what that letter says, so I am going to type it out here. Know that I am doing this for me and for B, so he can know what I shared with them. Feel free to continue reading if you would like to, if I had wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have shared it here. It may help someone else who is looking to build a bridge towards someone important to them. I have not rewritten or edited this letter at all, I am retyping it exactly as it came out as the time (other than where it was necessary to use only initials for privacy sake).
Dar Mama & Daddy,
Thank you for letting me stay here, even though you didn't know I was coming. I guess I should say, thank you for always making me feel like I can call your home mine, even with I don't live here.
I know you always worry about me & that over the years I have given you plenty of reason to worry. I want you to know that you have taught me well, and that no matter what else happens, with you as my parents I will always be ok. I love you more than words can say.
I know you are probably worried about me traveling a week after surgery. I'm sure you are concerned for both my healing & my finances. Please put your minds to rest knowing that it's ok. I feel great. At this point fatigue is my only real issue. As for financially, there is very little expense to me. My friend was already coming, had room for one more & asked me to come with her. It was a good arrangement for both of us and just fell into place.
I needed to be here. I needed a few days to myself to not worry about my family or anyone else's schedule and this was the perfect solution. My kids already had plans to spend the weekend in C with M & S. B has to work Thursday & Friday. You guys won't be home until tomorrow night. M has to work the next 2 days. It was the perfect opportunity for me to spend some time alone with my thoughts & do some soul searching.
I haven't wanted to/been ready to share some stuff with you, but I feel I need to now. I'm sure it's no mystery to you that mine is not a great marriage. I'm sure that is obvious every time we see you. Part of the reason I haven't wanted to tell you how bad it really is, is because you love me so much and want only the very best for me. I know you don't think B is the very best for me. I didn't want to give you one more reason to think that. My problems in my marriage didn't need that added pressure. That's on me to own & not you. I would've put the added pressure on and not you. Please know that I probably still won't share the details with you, but that I want to let you in so that you can be in my corner & know what is going on.
I was ready to leave B this spring. I was ready to file for divorce and end my 19 year marriage. But, I knew that I hadn't given every ounce of fight I had to give to save it. Neither one of us can bear all the blame for the problems in our marriage, and I knew that until I worked to fix me, I couldn't say that I had given all I have to give. I started seeing a counselor & then we went together. We are now both seeing individual counselors & attending group support meetings. We are both putting more effort into being our best selves & to mending our broken relationship.
I am still struggling with a lot of things that I have shoved down for many years. It's hard and painful self-reflection…but I have faith that I will be a more whole person on the other side. Thank you for having a safe place for me to come to be by myself for a couple of days to work on this. I have really needed it.
I am not writing this to you so that you have more cause to worry about me. Rather, I am writing it so that you will know that for the first time in years, I'm really trying to be the best me that I can be. I am working on my faith, building my testimony & healing what is broken inside me.
I love you both so much. I am so thankful that you were chosen to be my eternal parents. I want you to know the real me, the one that I have been hiding from almost everyone for a really long time. I'm not always a ray of sunshine to be around, frequently actually, I'm not (as if that surprises you). But, I want to be able to share those less than perfect parts of me with my parents who love me. I have missed you more than I have realized. We talk almost everyday, but rarely get below the surface. I know that's my fault, and I am working to change that. Thanks for loving me not matter what. Whatever I am going through, that is one thing I will always know is true.
I hope you know that I love you both no matter what as well. I am so blessed to have both my parents still, & to be able to reach out to you. You have blessed me to have the Gospel in my life, and for that alone I am more grateful that words can express. But, you have also blessed both mine & my family's lives with physical abundance as well. Thank you for all you do for us.
I love you both very much!
love,
T.
Yesterday one of my coworkers came to visit me and brought me some fun things for my surgical recovery. It was a great visit and she threw out, "Hey, I am going to visit my husband on his travel assignment and I know your sister is nearby, we have room why don't you come?" I initially dismissed it as an impossibility, but quickly rethought as I have been missing my sister and parents a lot lately and it would be great to see them. My kids already had plans to go spend a couple nights with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I knew it would probably not be a problem for them to stay all weekend, so that wasn't a concern. B has to work today and tomorrow so I was going to be home alone anyway those two days. I am off work and really had nothing planned, so I decided as long as B didn't have any major reason why I shouldn't go, that I would jump at the chance. Today finds me all alone in my parents house (as they are out of town) and wow has it been a day. Like I said, my parents are out of town (just until tomorrow), my niece and nephew are in school and my sister and brother-in-law are working today. It turns out that time for me, all by myself with nothing at all scheduled or planned was exactly what I needed.
I was walking across the kitchen headed to get in the shower when mid-stride it was like I hit an emotional force field. I don't even know how to describe it. From one step to the next it was like a dam had broken open and all these sobs just started wracking my body. I mean literally out of nowhere. This has NEVER happened to me before. Ever. I immediately knew that a lot of my numbness was gone and I was feeling again, feeling things that I hadn't allowed myself to feel in years. I KNEW, as surely as I knew I needed to take my next breath, what I HAD to do. I needed to sit down right then and record my thoughts and feelings in order to process what was happening. What came out was a five page handwritten letter to my parents. It did not detail what our particular struggles are right now, but explained a little of what is going on. It was my opening to them to let them in and ask for their support. It actually shocked me. I had no intention of telling them, I haven't for a long time. It was such a surreal experience. I had to take a few breaks during writing because I was literally sobbing so hard that I couldn't see. I'm not sure I have ever cried that hard, not associated with my recovery, of that I'm certain. I have read accounts where other wives have talked about curling up on the floor sobbing, but I have never actually felt that way until today. That's what I wanted to do, curl up on the floor and sob.
It was an incredibly powerful experience for me and I don't want to forget what that letter says, so I am going to type it out here. Know that I am doing this for me and for B, so he can know what I shared with them. Feel free to continue reading if you would like to, if I had wanted to keep it private I wouldn't have shared it here. It may help someone else who is looking to build a bridge towards someone important to them. I have not rewritten or edited this letter at all, I am retyping it exactly as it came out as the time (other than where it was necessary to use only initials for privacy sake).
Dar Mama & Daddy,
Thank you for letting me stay here, even though you didn't know I was coming. I guess I should say, thank you for always making me feel like I can call your home mine, even with I don't live here.
I know you always worry about me & that over the years I have given you plenty of reason to worry. I want you to know that you have taught me well, and that no matter what else happens, with you as my parents I will always be ok. I love you more than words can say.
I know you are probably worried about me traveling a week after surgery. I'm sure you are concerned for both my healing & my finances. Please put your minds to rest knowing that it's ok. I feel great. At this point fatigue is my only real issue. As for financially, there is very little expense to me. My friend was already coming, had room for one more & asked me to come with her. It was a good arrangement for both of us and just fell into place.
I needed to be here. I needed a few days to myself to not worry about my family or anyone else's schedule and this was the perfect solution. My kids already had plans to spend the weekend in C with M & S. B has to work Thursday & Friday. You guys won't be home until tomorrow night. M has to work the next 2 days. It was the perfect opportunity for me to spend some time alone with my thoughts & do some soul searching.
I haven't wanted to/been ready to share some stuff with you, but I feel I need to now. I'm sure it's no mystery to you that mine is not a great marriage. I'm sure that is obvious every time we see you. Part of the reason I haven't wanted to tell you how bad it really is, is because you love me so much and want only the very best for me. I know you don't think B is the very best for me. I didn't want to give you one more reason to think that. My problems in my marriage didn't need that added pressure. That's on me to own & not you. I would've put the added pressure on and not you. Please know that I probably still won't share the details with you, but that I want to let you in so that you can be in my corner & know what is going on.
I was ready to leave B this spring. I was ready to file for divorce and end my 19 year marriage. But, I knew that I hadn't given every ounce of fight I had to give to save it. Neither one of us can bear all the blame for the problems in our marriage, and I knew that until I worked to fix me, I couldn't say that I had given all I have to give. I started seeing a counselor & then we went together. We are now both seeing individual counselors & attending group support meetings. We are both putting more effort into being our best selves & to mending our broken relationship.
I am still struggling with a lot of things that I have shoved down for many years. It's hard and painful self-reflection…but I have faith that I will be a more whole person on the other side. Thank you for having a safe place for me to come to be by myself for a couple of days to work on this. I have really needed it.
I am not writing this to you so that you have more cause to worry about me. Rather, I am writing it so that you will know that for the first time in years, I'm really trying to be the best me that I can be. I am working on my faith, building my testimony & healing what is broken inside me.
I love you both so much. I am so thankful that you were chosen to be my eternal parents. I want you to know the real me, the one that I have been hiding from almost everyone for a really long time. I'm not always a ray of sunshine to be around, frequently actually, I'm not (as if that surprises you). But, I want to be able to share those less than perfect parts of me with my parents who love me. I have missed you more than I have realized. We talk almost everyday, but rarely get below the surface. I know that's my fault, and I am working to change that. Thanks for loving me not matter what. Whatever I am going through, that is one thing I will always know is true.
I hope you know that I love you both no matter what as well. I am so blessed to have both my parents still, & to be able to reach out to you. You have blessed me to have the Gospel in my life, and for that alone I am more grateful that words can express. But, you have also blessed both mine & my family's lives with physical abundance as well. Thank you for all you do for us.
I love you both very much!
love,
T.
It's me T.
Just a quick post to let you know that I have changed to blogging from my own profile instead of our joint profile. this has nothing to do with separation in recovery, but rather an opportunity to have a profile I can use to comment on and follow others blogs as the wife instead of the couple. It also further allows for easier identification of our separate posts on this blog. So when you see Wife Progressing blogging or commenting, know it's me, T.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Joyfully Hopeful Breakdown Breakthrough
Twice in one day is a lot to blog, but I just need to today. Tonight I had a breakdown breakthrough. I know that those two words seem to contradict each other, but it's the only way to describe what happened. I had a breakdown tonight and in the process I had a huge emotional breakthrough. Well a huge breakthrough in identifying some of my emotions anyway.
I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.
I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).
It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE.
I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn. Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.
Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope).
Joyfully hopeful,
T.
I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.
I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).
It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE.
I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn. Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.
Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope).
Joyfully hopeful,
T.
My Story
I know I have shared parts of my story on the blog, but after reading more on recovery, I feel the need to share my whole story, or my whole story up until this point.
I loved to flirt and date when I was a teenager and my number one goal in life was to get married and have babies. I loved being part of a family and wanted to start my own "happily ever after". My parents marriage wasn't always great, but I was going to do better, I was going to be happier. Oh to have the knowledge I have now and the optimism I had as a teenager. I have since come to realize that we create our "happily ever after" through hard work, sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and pain. I digress, I am putting the horse before the cart here by sharing what I have learned before sharing how I learned it.
As I was saying, I wanted to be married, badly. I wanted to be loved and cherished, taken care of and have someone to take care of. I'm not saying that I regret marrying my husband, because I don't. I love my husband and am sincerely working on being "in love" with him again. I want to rediscover that spark and light that first brought us together. Again, horse, cart, sorry, back on track.
I met my husband country dancing. We both went dancing on Friday nights, him because his sister dragged him and me because I wanted to meet boys. We would both arrive a little early and help set up for the dance, we would both take a shift taking money at the door and then help clean up so that we could get in for free, since we were both in school. We were all part of the same group of friends, but I knew his brother and sisters more than I knew him. He was quiet and reserved and liked being in the background, where as I am anything but quiet and back then loved to goof around and be loud. I started scheduling my shifts to sit and take money at the same time as his, and I started attending some single adult dances that he helped with. All in hopes that he would ask me out. He didn't, not until I gave him my phone number and told him we should go fishing sometime (it was something we both liked to do). He finally asked me to go with him and his little brother fishing. On the way home his brother and I had a belching contest, I figured if he would ask me out again after that I had it made. Well he asked me out again the very next day and we were engaged two short months after that.
We were young, I was 20 and he was 23 when we got engaged. Due to meddling parents on my side and hands-off parents on his side, we ended up postponing our original wedding date from December to March. This meant a seven month engagement to get into "trouble" morally as well as having to see both of our bishops. It finally got to the point where either we couldn't be alone together or we weren't going to make it to the Temple. We made it. During his Spring Break and the middle of my semester, we were sealed for time and all eternity in front of our family and friends.
The first year was hard (well every year was hard). We had NO IDEA what it took to run a household having never lived on our own (other than my husband's two year mission for our church which is a very "structured" living on your own). We didn't know how to manage money or pay bills, balance a checkbook or make a budget and stick to it. As I now reflect back on that time, a lot of our problems were a symptom of a bigger problem that I was not even aware of at the time. My husband's pornography addiction.
I'm not rewriting history here, I was not prepared to be a wife and we have had a lot of struggles that we didn't need to have because of it. I'm just saying that a lot of our problems were compounded by the person my husband became because of his pornography addiction.
A couple of years into our marriage I was looking for ways for us to be closer and happier as a couple. We were at a local video store and I saw the porn movies and thought "maybe this will work". It only took a few times of watching together to "enhance our sex life" to realize they were doing more harm than good. We decided together not to watch anymore. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the problem.
A few years later, when we had one child I discovered that B had been looking at naked women and masturbating while I wasn't home. What!?! Why wasn't I enough? Maybe if I lose weight and get skinny he won't look at porn. Maybe if I have sex more and dress in sexy lingerie he won't need porn. It's taken me years and years to realize that it wouldn't matter if I was a Playboy Bunny willing to do whatever, whenever he wanted, it wouldn't "fix" his problem. I can't fix it for him, he has to do that. I still sometimes struggle to remember this.
I feel like I am rambling, but it seems like the only way I can get this whole story out. In bits and pieces as I remember them. I am sorry if it seems disjointed but I am telling it the only way I know how. It's my story to own, so I am owning it, in whatever disheveled way it comes out.
Many wives stories I have read talk about D-day. I don't remember a specific D-day. I remember several discoveries by myself, admissions by my husband, days I was ready to quit and days I just said "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". This has been a process of addiction, enabling, lies, hope, heartbreak, forgiveness, counseling, attempted recovery, selfishness, pain, betrayal and eventually hard and painful work. Let me just share with you the most recent chapter in our story.
A few months ago, probably right around our anniversary in March or my 40th birthday in April, I'm not sure which, I had had enough. B was not working to recover. He was thoughtless, selfish and only looking out for himself. He had taken so much of my life that I was numb. I was numb to pain, numb to joy, just plain numb. I was done. I was done with my marriage. I knew I couldn't in good conscience leave B without knowing I had done everything in my power to make my marriage healthy, I'm just not built that way. I went to see a counselor and at first he refused to go with me. I knew I had to go and work on my own issues and fixing me before I could say I had given it all I had. The second visit he came with me to help participate in some testing the counselor wanted to do, and he continued seeing her with me after that. We worked with her, and she opened the doors for both of us to truly want to make an honest effort at saving our marriage. She is not a specialist in sexual addictions or recovery, so she could only take us so far, but she opened the door, and for that I will always be grateful.
We are now both seeing individual counselors that specialize in recovery from sexual addictions for addicts and spouses. I am working on my own recovery. I honestly didn't recognize in all my years of study, counseling and soul searching, that I had to recover too. I always wanted to be supportive and help B "fix" himself. It's only been the last few weeks that I have honestly realized that I need some serious "fixing" because of the betrayal I have felt. I was numb for so long that I didn't realize how much of my pain and hurt I had shoved inside. It came out in the form of orneriness, a food addiction and pure honest to goodness anger directed at my family. My kids have suffered because of this anger, and I am working on controlling it.
I know that this is going to be a long journey. I know that I have a long ways to go before I will trust anyone in general again. I am hoping that B will continue to work on his recovery and try to gain my trust back as I heal. I am hesitantly hopeful for the first time, maybe the first time ever, that there might be a way of emerging from this pit with my marriage not only intact but stronger than it has ever been. I have bad days. I have good days. I am working through all the anger and trying to turn it into the will to fight FOR my family instead of fighting WITH my family.
I am broken, I am working at healing. It is a slow, painful and arduous process. I want to get better overnight. I want that peace now. I know that's not possible. I know that I have to walk the uphill battle before a little relief will gradually come. I am working everyday to turn this over to the Lord and let him guide me. I am praying for hope, healing and love to come into my family.
Sharing my story,
T.
I loved to flirt and date when I was a teenager and my number one goal in life was to get married and have babies. I loved being part of a family and wanted to start my own "happily ever after". My parents marriage wasn't always great, but I was going to do better, I was going to be happier. Oh to have the knowledge I have now and the optimism I had as a teenager. I have since come to realize that we create our "happily ever after" through hard work, sacrifice, compromise, forgiveness and pain. I digress, I am putting the horse before the cart here by sharing what I have learned before sharing how I learned it.
As I was saying, I wanted to be married, badly. I wanted to be loved and cherished, taken care of and have someone to take care of. I'm not saying that I regret marrying my husband, because I don't. I love my husband and am sincerely working on being "in love" with him again. I want to rediscover that spark and light that first brought us together. Again, horse, cart, sorry, back on track.
I met my husband country dancing. We both went dancing on Friday nights, him because his sister dragged him and me because I wanted to meet boys. We would both arrive a little early and help set up for the dance, we would both take a shift taking money at the door and then help clean up so that we could get in for free, since we were both in school. We were all part of the same group of friends, but I knew his brother and sisters more than I knew him. He was quiet and reserved and liked being in the background, where as I am anything but quiet and back then loved to goof around and be loud. I started scheduling my shifts to sit and take money at the same time as his, and I started attending some single adult dances that he helped with. All in hopes that he would ask me out. He didn't, not until I gave him my phone number and told him we should go fishing sometime (it was something we both liked to do). He finally asked me to go with him and his little brother fishing. On the way home his brother and I had a belching contest, I figured if he would ask me out again after that I had it made. Well he asked me out again the very next day and we were engaged two short months after that.
We were young, I was 20 and he was 23 when we got engaged. Due to meddling parents on my side and hands-off parents on his side, we ended up postponing our original wedding date from December to March. This meant a seven month engagement to get into "trouble" morally as well as having to see both of our bishops. It finally got to the point where either we couldn't be alone together or we weren't going to make it to the Temple. We made it. During his Spring Break and the middle of my semester, we were sealed for time and all eternity in front of our family and friends.
The first year was hard (well every year was hard). We had NO IDEA what it took to run a household having never lived on our own (other than my husband's two year mission for our church which is a very "structured" living on your own). We didn't know how to manage money or pay bills, balance a checkbook or make a budget and stick to it. As I now reflect back on that time, a lot of our problems were a symptom of a bigger problem that I was not even aware of at the time. My husband's pornography addiction.
I'm not rewriting history here, I was not prepared to be a wife and we have had a lot of struggles that we didn't need to have because of it. I'm just saying that a lot of our problems were compounded by the person my husband became because of his pornography addiction.
A couple of years into our marriage I was looking for ways for us to be closer and happier as a couple. We were at a local video store and I saw the porn movies and thought "maybe this will work". It only took a few times of watching together to "enhance our sex life" to realize they were doing more harm than good. We decided together not to watch anymore. Little did I know that this was just the tip of the problem.
A few years later, when we had one child I discovered that B had been looking at naked women and masturbating while I wasn't home. What!?! Why wasn't I enough? Maybe if I lose weight and get skinny he won't look at porn. Maybe if I have sex more and dress in sexy lingerie he won't need porn. It's taken me years and years to realize that it wouldn't matter if I was a Playboy Bunny willing to do whatever, whenever he wanted, it wouldn't "fix" his problem. I can't fix it for him, he has to do that. I still sometimes struggle to remember this.
I feel like I am rambling, but it seems like the only way I can get this whole story out. In bits and pieces as I remember them. I am sorry if it seems disjointed but I am telling it the only way I know how. It's my story to own, so I am owning it, in whatever disheveled way it comes out.
Many wives stories I have read talk about D-day. I don't remember a specific D-day. I remember several discoveries by myself, admissions by my husband, days I was ready to quit and days I just said "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". This has been a process of addiction, enabling, lies, hope, heartbreak, forgiveness, counseling, attempted recovery, selfishness, pain, betrayal and eventually hard and painful work. Let me just share with you the most recent chapter in our story.
A few months ago, probably right around our anniversary in March or my 40th birthday in April, I'm not sure which, I had had enough. B was not working to recover. He was thoughtless, selfish and only looking out for himself. He had taken so much of my life that I was numb. I was numb to pain, numb to joy, just plain numb. I was done. I was done with my marriage. I knew I couldn't in good conscience leave B without knowing I had done everything in my power to make my marriage healthy, I'm just not built that way. I went to see a counselor and at first he refused to go with me. I knew I had to go and work on my own issues and fixing me before I could say I had given it all I had. The second visit he came with me to help participate in some testing the counselor wanted to do, and he continued seeing her with me after that. We worked with her, and she opened the doors for both of us to truly want to make an honest effort at saving our marriage. She is not a specialist in sexual addictions or recovery, so she could only take us so far, but she opened the door, and for that I will always be grateful.
We are now both seeing individual counselors that specialize in recovery from sexual addictions for addicts and spouses. I am working on my own recovery. I honestly didn't recognize in all my years of study, counseling and soul searching, that I had to recover too. I always wanted to be supportive and help B "fix" himself. It's only been the last few weeks that I have honestly realized that I need some serious "fixing" because of the betrayal I have felt. I was numb for so long that I didn't realize how much of my pain and hurt I had shoved inside. It came out in the form of orneriness, a food addiction and pure honest to goodness anger directed at my family. My kids have suffered because of this anger, and I am working on controlling it.
I know that this is going to be a long journey. I know that I have a long ways to go before I will trust anyone in general again. I am hoping that B will continue to work on his recovery and try to gain my trust back as I heal. I am hesitantly hopeful for the first time, maybe the first time ever, that there might be a way of emerging from this pit with my marriage not only intact but stronger than it has ever been. I have bad days. I have good days. I am working through all the anger and trying to turn it into the will to fight FOR my family instead of fighting WITH my family.
I am broken, I am working at healing. It is a slow, painful and arduous process. I want to get better overnight. I want that peace now. I know that's not possible. I know that I have to walk the uphill battle before a little relief will gradually come. I am working everyday to turn this over to the Lord and let him guide me. I am praying for hope, healing and love to come into my family.
Sharing my story,
T.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Reaching Out
For a really long time now, I've wanted to share our story with others. I want others to know that they are not alone. This is something that a lot of families have to deal with, I would venture to guess that every family at one point or another has to face, be it in their immediate family or in their in-laws, best friends, anything or anyone. Nobody is immune. I have been so blessed that other's have reached out to me recently.
As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.
I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/ It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot.
I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.
Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.
As you can tell from my post a couple of days ago, disclosure is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When is the right time? Who are the right people? How much do we share? Do we talk about it, or just let them read the blog? It's sometimes not clear to me, but every time it seems muddy, I feel prompted to either share or not share. It is amazing to me how much support and guidance that our Heavenly Father gives us, especially because I've been trying this my own way for so long.
I was very touched this morning when B had me read a post on FB in a support group he is in (completely unrelated to pornography recovery)/ It was from a young woman struggling with her husband's lack of openness. He wanted me to read it and asked me what I thought. I said, "I think her husband has a problem with pornography," and B agreed. I was surprised at the recognition on his part, and even more surprised that he felt he should reach out to her. A few weeks ago I probably would've panicked that he was reaching out to another woman on FB, but not today, today I was at peace. I felt like he needed to share and she needed to hear what he had to say. He let me read what he was sending before he sent it and has let me read what was said back and forth between them. It was a level of transparency that we haven't had in a really long time. He has been so secretive about so much for so long, that I am just used to getting a blah response when I ask him questions, to have him openly share this experience with me meant a lot.
I also reached out to this beautiful Daughter of God to let her know that she is not alone. I want her, and all the other wives out there, to know that this fight is our battle against the war Satan is waging against our families. We are all warriors on the front line protecting our families from the enemy, and the enemy has some sneaky tactics. He is invading our homes no matter what defenses we have put in place. I want every single one of you to know WE ARE NOT FIGHTING ALONE. Not one of us is alone. Even if we don't feel like we can reach out to anyone around us, The Lord is there to listen, guide and comfort us.
Thank you to all that have reached out to me, including today, my Bishop. It means more than you could imagine to know that I have so much support, that we have so much support as a couple to fight this battle and win this war. I hope I will always be on the sidelines, offering whatever aide I can, but that someday I will be able to say I did my frontline fighting and now I am here to help with yours. Today is a good day, today is a new day, today is not a broken day, today is MY day to say we will get through this…I hope tomorrow is another day just like this one.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Change
Part of working on my recovery, is working on my own coping techniques/addiction. I have a real issue with being addicted to food. My counselor has explained to me that this is a process addiction very similar to the addition to pornography, and that there are some great resources out there. She and I started working through the LifeStyle Transformation Step 1 book and she gave me some assignments. So far this has been very helpful and informative. I was working through some of it just now and it really struck a chord with me both in my personal struggles with addiction and with my struggles with B's addiction. I am directly quoting the Step 1 Supplement form LifeStyle Transformation. I am not promoting it, I just wanted to share what it said as it really hit a nerve with me.
"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.
While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."
These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.
I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.
I want to change.
I FINALLY believe it is possible.
I am committed to it.
I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.
Taking action,
T.
"Whatever the reasons, we tend to resist change. But healthy changes also free us as we work through the blocks…Change holds truth, and truth sets us free.
While change brings up resistance, the road to recovery is a place of wanting change, believing it is possible, committing to it, and replacing the lies in your head with truth."
These simple yet profound statements reveal so much to me about the whys of change, and the reasons I need to embrace it both in myself and in my marriage. I have struggled for so long with the lies in my head about my marriage. I have told myself that if I leave, B will relapse. If I put too strict of boundaries on B, he will relapse. If I would just lose weight he won't need porn. Lies. Lies. Lies. All of them lies to myself. Fear controlling all my actions. NO MORE! I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by fear.
I am not responsible for B's recovery, I am only responsible for my own. One of my fears has been "What if I lose the weight and he still doesn't chose recovery? What does that say about me?" More than anything, what that fear says about me is that I am choosing to let his decisions dictate my own by giving in to my fears. NOT ANY MORE! My recovery is my own and as hard as it is going to be, I am finally able to take control. I will not be controlled by my fears anymore. I will have set backs, I will have days that I want to give up, I have many many hard days ahead of me. But I am finally at a point where I feel like I am in charge of my own life and that I am ready to hand it over to my Father in Heaven to do with it what he will. As hard as that is going to be. I am finally ready.
I want to change.
I FINALLY believe it is possible.
I am committed to it.
I am ready to replace the lies in my head with the truth.
Taking action,
T.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Disclosure
I had my surgery yesterday and everything went well. I am tired and sore but I really feel much better than I expected to. My whole goal for the first few days after surgery was to rest, catch up on my DVR, read the book I treated myself to and enjoy some down time. Funny how sometimes HE has other plans for us, because all I've been able to think about today is working on recovery. I don't have much stamina, but while I've been reading and vegging out in front of the TV, I've been restless and itchy to work on recovery. This morning I was reading an Instagram post from @thelightkeepers about how when she was in crisis after finding out that her husband wasn't truly in recovery her dad flew out and took care of her and loved her and cried with her. All I could think was that some days I wish my daddy would be able to do that so unconditionally. I don't think I will ever be able to disclose this to my parents, they love me very much, but they already feel the need to meddle in our marriage, they wouldn't understand this. It breaks my heart, but my already strained marriage doesn't need any additional judgement heaped on it.
It is very interesting to me that this is coming up this week. B and I have talked a bit lately about who and when we will disclose this to, and who we never plan to disclose it to. I also talked with my counselor this week a little about disclosure. This is obviously something that is important to me right now. B has said that he trusts me in who and when I disclose things to, and I'm glad because I have needed the love and support of those close to me and have been able to get that by sharing this with them. I am so constantly amazed by the love and support shown to us. In most cases the judgement I thought would inevitably come, hasn't. I have had so many of my friends reach out and say, we love you we are here for you, your forthrightness and honesty is amazing. I don't feel amazing, I feel amazed. I am constantly amazed at the people that my Heavenly Father has chosen to place around me. I'm having a hard time writing through my tears right now as I think of all the amazing and wonderful people in my life. It has been so uplifting to me to feel the love and support of those around me.
As we continue to work through our recovery, both individually and together, I know we will give more disclosures and that we will share them with more people. I hope that by sharing our story, others will feel more free to share theirs. I also hope that I can be the support to others that I have felt myself surrounded by. There may be numerous posts from me for the next couple of weeks as I will be off work and spending a lot of time on my recovery. I am so thankful for the outlet I have in writing this blog and for the respect we have been shown in the cyber community.
Recovering emotionally while I recover physically,
T.
It is very interesting to me that this is coming up this week. B and I have talked a bit lately about who and when we will disclose this to, and who we never plan to disclose it to. I also talked with my counselor this week a little about disclosure. This is obviously something that is important to me right now. B has said that he trusts me in who and when I disclose things to, and I'm glad because I have needed the love and support of those close to me and have been able to get that by sharing this with them. I am so constantly amazed by the love and support shown to us. In most cases the judgement I thought would inevitably come, hasn't. I have had so many of my friends reach out and say, we love you we are here for you, your forthrightness and honesty is amazing. I don't feel amazing, I feel amazed. I am constantly amazed at the people that my Heavenly Father has chosen to place around me. I'm having a hard time writing through my tears right now as I think of all the amazing and wonderful people in my life. It has been so uplifting to me to feel the love and support of those around me.
As we continue to work through our recovery, both individually and together, I know we will give more disclosures and that we will share them with more people. I hope that by sharing our story, others will feel more free to share theirs. I also hope that I can be the support to others that I have felt myself surrounded by. There may be numerous posts from me for the next couple of weeks as I will be off work and spending a lot of time on my recovery. I am so thankful for the outlet I have in writing this blog and for the respect we have been shown in the cyber community.
Recovering emotionally while I recover physically,
T.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Roller Coaster Emotions
This last week has been very up and down for me emotionally. I have wanted to blog for days now, but have been so exhausted emotionally and physically that I just haven't been able to compose a coherent sentence at the end of the day, which is when I have the time available to blog. I decided early today that I would make sharing my thoughts a priority tonight.
I started seeing a new counselor this week. I wanted to find one that specialized in recovery from sexual addiction and spousal support. It seems I have found a great one. I know she sees the whole spectrum of emotions and stages of recovery come through her office, but I couldn't help but think when I got there and burst in to tears about ten seconds after introducing myself, "She is going to think I am an emotional basket case". Let's face it some days I am. The only thing I felt when I left was that this was where I am supposed to be. I know all counselors are supposed to maintain a judgement free attitude, I have seen enough of them to know that isn't always how it comes across, but I felt like I was in a completely judgment free zone during the time we spent together. This visit was timed perfectly. You see, right before I left work to head to my appointment, I had a particularly ugly phone call with a coworker that hit me pretty hard. Thus the tears the moment I entered the office. It was a while before I actually got to the point in the visit where I shared the main reason I was there. Recovery. This first visit was more about getting to know each other a bit and me being able to share my story, but I left there with a book to read and more hope than I have had in a really long time.
I took a pretty big emotional hit when I found out early last week that my childhood best friend was going through a crisis with her husband's health. I was devastated not to be able to be with her. We live about four hours apart these days, and I just couldn't leave to go see them. My heart is aching for her and her family. Her husband is fighting tooth and nail for his life and he is one heck of a fighter. That then led to feelings of guilt because my husband is here and "healthy" and I am struggling so much. I quickly cycled out of that thinking for a few reasons: a - my husband only appears healthy, he is actually fighting his own battle, b - I can't compare my trials with anyone else's, this is my burden to bear and I am learning and growing from it, c - I know I wouldn't wish this one anyone, especially my close friend, and she wouldn't wish her trial on me. I'm such a caregiver by nature (sometimes too much so) that I want to be there for her just to hug her and let her know she is loved. I have had to settle for sending her texts and loving her from here. She hasn't been far from my thoughts all week.
I am so truly blessed with amazing friends. I made time to go to lunch with two of my friends on Saturday and enjoy some much needed 'me time'. I am always amazed by how much support these two amazing women give me, no matter how silly or stupid I act, they still love me. We started working together on the same day over three years ago, we are all in different departments now, but it just doesn't matter, we are still bonded. We are different ages, religions, marital statuses, from different parts of the country, different stages of health and fitness…but none of that matters, it just doesn't. These strong women have been my support network and my go-to-girls for everything from sharing a laugh, a tear, a frustration and a peaceful moment. They really are my life-line a lot of days.
While none of this even touches on the issues in my marriage, well with the exception of my new counselor, it is still relevant. Why? Because it all makes up parts of my mental and spiritual well being. While riding the emotional roller coaster of my life, every one of these events has an impact on which way I go. I have a support system that I have created and I have used it this week. As I travel this path, I hope to pick up light from this support network and to then be able to share it with others.
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