Twice in one day is a lot to blog, but I just need to today. Tonight I had a breakdown breakthrough. I know that those two words seem to contradict each other, but it's the only way to describe what happened. I had a breakdown tonight and in the process I had a huge emotional breakthrough. Well a huge breakthrough in identifying some of my emotions anyway.
I was reaching out to share with B about some things that had been bugging me lately. I wanted to share with him in a way that he wouldn't feel attacked or belittled but so that I was still able to get my point across. I'm not sure I accomplished it without him hurting, but I was able to tell him about some actions that were feeling less than genuine to me without becoming hysterical or getting angry.
I know you're saying right now, well where's the breakdown and breakthrough? Don't worry I'm getting to that part. I just had to set up the scene a little bit so I could process where it all came from tonight (Obviously I know it came from Heavenly Father, but what was the process for me to be open to it is what I'm looking at). While we were talking B suggested that I work on my personal inventory for Step 4 of ARS (addiction recovery services). I was like "Oh hell no!" Well that's what the inside me was saying while the outside me said "I'm just not ready for that." We continued to talk about other things and he later explained to me why it thought it might be helpful to me to tap into some of that. Again inside I was like "Oh hell no! I'm not the one that needs to be fixed!" And then the inside me took a step back from the blame game and said, "Why don't I want to work on my personal inventory?" That's when the breakdown started. (In case you are wondering, yes I do have inner dialogue with myself).
It was like a switch was flipped and this knowledge of how to explain to him how I feel just opened up in me. I was able to verbalize some deep seeded feelings of poor self-worth that prior to tonight I wasn't even willing to admit were there. I realized, and shared with B, that there is a distinct gap between my intellectual recovery and my emotional recovery. My intellectual self, the part of me that has studied recovery and worked on it, knows that no matter what I look like, what I do or say or don't do or say will change B's addiction. My intellectual brain KNOWS that this isn't my fault. Tonight I realized that my emotional self, my emotional brain, does NOT believe that. I finally realized why I was afraid to work on my own emotional recovery and open up some of my uglier self for personal introspection. It's because I didn't want to share those things with him. I didn't want him to see some of the ugliness inside of me because I felt that if he saw it he would have more reason to turn to pornography. WHAT THE HELL? Where did that come from? Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! My brain works a little like his!!! Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I have goosebumps and I want to run around screaming, I GET IT! I get why my husband doesn't want to share with me!!!!! This did not come earlier during my breakdown breakthrough, it came RIGHT. THIS. VERY MINUTE.
I thought the breakthrough came earlier, but apparently I had more in store in that department. What an incredibly vicious cycle!!! B doesn't want me to reject what he sees as unloveable inside of him and so he turns to porn…because he turns to porn I feel inadequate and don't want to open up myself for him to see the less lovable parts for fear he will turn to porn. Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh!Ohmygosh! I know I can't possibly be the only person to have reached this conclusion but it's like I've been struck by lightening. Can you hear my sigh of relief? You should be able to, everyone should be able to, it's like I finally feel like maybe I can start the process of healing just having the knowledge that I need to break the cycle.
Wow, B, I feel it. I feel hope. I feel that elusive light I have been seeking for to guide me to the door I needed to open to start to heal. Joy. I feel it. Actual joy. I haven't felt it for so long I was starting to wonder if I would ever feel it again. Holy cow! If you could see my face right now, I'm sure I have a look of absolute wonder on my face. It might be possible to heal, what an amazing revelation. I'm not sure what it was about today that allowed that message from Heavenly Father in to my heart, but I want it to happen again and again. I want to be infused with hope. (I know I will still have down days, and broken days…but right now all I feel is hope).
Joyfully hopeful,
T.
No comments:
Post a Comment