Friday, December 2, 2016

Big Changes and Unexpected Emotions

half empty closet
This weekend is bringing about big changes for us. B is moving out. For now this is just a separation, we don't know what will happen, it is a long separation though. B has signed a lease on an apartment and we will reassess where we go from here in the future. This isn't a spur of the moment decision, and it hasn't come quickly. I just haven't posted about it here because I wanted to wait until we had told those closest to us. Then time got away from me, so here we are on the eve of the move.

Because I don't want to forget how this came about I am going to share it here. It was almost two months ago now that B and I were having a heated discussion and he said some incredibly hurtful things to me. I had a very strong feeling that it was time to be done. This was a super emotional argument and so I put the feeling aside until I had time to take it out and look at it. For the next several days I earnestly thought and prayed about whether that prompting was the path the Lord would have me take, or whether it was my own emotions taking over. I felt nothing but peace about making a move towards divorce. I also spoke to my therapist about it. I went to see my Bishop and he and I talked about his concerns and questions. He gave me a beautiful blessing that spoke of my willingness to follow the Lord's direction in my life. I then spent time in the Temple in prayer where I had a deeply moving experience. I knew that the decision to proceed towards divorce was the right decision. I don't pretend that Heavenly Father wants to see my marriage fail, but I also don't think he wants to see me continue to live in Trauma and pain. I felt that it was the decision that would bring me the most peace.

I proceeded to tell B that I felt it was time we made preparations for separate lives. He was shocked. He was angry. Then he pulled out a Hail Mary. He worked hard at recovery activities. It was then that the doubt started to creep in. Was I really sure this was the right decision? I felt confused and angry. I was mad that he waited until I was ready and at peace with the decision to move towards a separate life to try and work on recovery. At least more earnestly than he had since the beginning of our journey towards recovery over two years ago. I had all these mixed emotions and I was so unhappy. I had anything but peace.

I was so torn. I didn't want my marriage to end, at least not when it still had potential to be great. It was during this month of indecision that I saw my therapist and she said the words I needed to hear. "You need to get honest with God and with yourself." Those words were the tiniest shove I needed to get of the proverbial fence. I took a deep breath, looked at my heart, said some raw and vulnerable prayers, and knew that separation was still the right answer. I told B. He actually agreed. Our home is not a happy place to be. Neither of us feel that this is a healthy environment.

We agreed on December 1st as the actual move out date, and then I told him he could have until this weekend so he wouldn't have to move out during the week. Then he did basically nothing at all until 2 weeks ago. He finally started looking in ernest and has packed and moved some stuff. Tomorrow he will have help to get some furniture moved over. It still doesn't really feel like this is my life.

This last ten days or so I have exhausted me emotionally. I did not expect to feel so many painful emotions. The overriding one has been grief. I expected to be sad, mad, anxious, relieved, and afraid. I somehow did not expect the ever present grief I have had. I am not mourning the loss of THIS marriage. I am mourning the loss of the marriage we could have had. I am mourning the loss of the man I feel in love with 22 years ago. I hurts so much to feel like we really could have had a healthy and happy marriage, and no that dream is ending. Maybe not forever, but for now it is. I know that we could have been happy and truly had a great marriage, and I am grieving the loss of that potential. Our marriage hasn't been all bad, please don't think that. It has been incredibly unhealthy for a long time though.

Tonight I took our son out for some fun so that B could have some space to pack and move some stuff. He was at his new place when I got home. I walked in the bedroom and felt like I had been sucker punched. I literally lost my breath and started to shed some tears. The first thing I noticed was the missing bookshelf. Then it was my framed bridal portrait that had been on top of the bookshelf resting on the floor against the wall. Then another picture frame turned face down caught my attention and I picked it up to see a picture of us on our wedding day. That was the moment that it really hit me that this was happening. The empty hangers in half the closet looked so lonely. I did not expect to feel so raw. This hurts so much more than I thought it would.

I still have peace knowing that this is the right decision for us. I know that we both need the space from the toxicity that has surrounded us. It is so hard though. I know that Heavenly Father will continue to sustain me. That He is aware of me. I know that I will be ok. It's just going to take time. I don't know what the future holds for my marriage, but I do know that I will continue to follow my Heavenly Father's guiding hand in my life. I know that as I lean on Him I will grow stronger. I know I am loved and cared for.



If you would like to know more about my faith please click here. I would love to share more about what I believe with you, because it has been the only thing that has helped me truly find any healing. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me at for anything you want to say or ask.