Self Reflection is Painful

I went to see my therapist today. I love going to see her because she helps me gain so much insight. Today was no different, it was just a lot more painful than I expected it to be.

I am a rescuer through and through. I have been pretty much my entire life. This is something I am working on in all aspects of my life. Today my therapist asked me if I was rescuing others in group. I said "No" without hesitation. As we talked some more, she helped me realize that I was indeed rescuing during group (she probably already knew this for two reasons: a- she's a great therapist and seems to understand me and, b- they have staff meeting and are able to discuss how things are going in group with each other so it is probably some insight from my group leader). It struck a nerve. I don't want to be "that" person. The one that can see so clearly see (she thinks) what others need and talk as if they have all their crap together when in fact they haven't even scratched the surface of what is underneath all their own trauma. Ugh! I am that person though.

What really hit a nerve was when she tapped into the very root of all my insecurities. My absolute need to belong. We all need to feel like we belong somewhere. My need to belong isn't any more or less prominent than anyone else, we all have the need to feel like we belong. What is pathological about my need to belong is the way I go about helping myself feel like I belong. I feel like if people don't "need" me then I don't belong with them. I fuel this feeling of being needed by rescuing. If I make myself feel invaluable and needed then I belong there, because they won't be able to get along without me.

I can name you a multiple examples of this in my everyday life, but I honestly didn't see that I was doing it in group. I feel a little more broken about that. I feel like that was my safe place to just be me, but apparently I'm the one holding myself back from being free to be me. I'm the one who won't let my guard down. It hurts to be self reflective. It's a painful process. Especially when I'm not sure how to go about correcting what I didn't realize I was doing.

I think what really zinged my vulnerability nerve today was when my therapist asked me a question I should be asking myself, "Who am I if I'm not rescuing? What is my worth?" I had to look at her and tell her that I honestly don't know. Who would I be today if I wasn't "needed" by anyone? What value would I have to myself? I really, truly don't know the answer to that question. I need to be able to figure that out. I can feel the growing pains coming and they are already starting to hurt.

Please keep a prayer in your heart, if you can, that I will learn to be more honest with myself and find some reflection back of what I am really worth. A more clear reflection of where my value really lies.

Reflectively,

T.