Irrational Thinking

I would be absolutely lying through my teeth to you if I told you that B's addiction hasn't affected my self-image and thinking patterns. Don't get me wrong, it's not the only source of my negative self-image but it has certainly contributed to it. Part of that negativity is reflected in my thoughts. I sometimes have very irrational and negative thoughts.

I had a bit of an a-ha moment about this yesterday that I want to share. My best friend lives about four hours away from us. We have been separated for about 6 1/2 years. We each have family and reasons to visit in each other's cities, so we get to see each other a few times a year. She came to town this weekend for a family event, so we tried to coordinate time to see each other.

It turns out the only time we could make it work was at 6:45 on Saturday morning. That is a completely unreasonable time to have to be up and about on a Saturday, but if it was the only chance I had to see her then I'd take it. 

As I was driving to meet her, the thought popped into my head, "She must have something bad to tell me. Why else would she be willing to get up so early on Saturday to see me?"

As soon as it appeared I combated it with, "Well of COURSE she is willing to get up to see you, she's your best friend!" 

I shared this with her while we were walking and visiting and she immediately put her arm around me and assured me that my second thought was the valid one and that the first one was silly. I already knew that this was what she would say, because well, she gets me and I get her. This is why she is one of my "safe people" and I know no matter what she'll still love me.

My a-ha moment came when I realized how destructive my thoughts have been in the past and how much my thinking is changing. I have a great deal of work to do still on my thinking, but overall it has improved. 

I used to constantly think things like, "If I was (insert any perceived desirable trait here: skinnier, prettier, better in bed, kept the house cleaner, etc.) then B wouldn't need porn." That is categorically untrue! I FINALLY believe that. It wouldn't matter what I looked like, what I was willing to do or how clean the house was, he would STILL have looked at porn and masterbated. His addiction and acting out is NOT my fault and I DID NOT cause it! 

I FINALLY BELIEVE THAT I AM ENOUGH! Will someone remind me occasionally though? I'm sure that I will still slip into that mode at times where I think that I can do something to make B change. 

If you are struggling with similar irrational negative thoughts, let me tell you right now that I know how you feel. I also know that YOU ARE ENOUGH! Your husband's addiction has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your worth as a person. I read a quote the other day and I'm sorry I can't remember who said it or the exact words, but it was something to the effect of, "Your worth does not decrease because of anthers inability to see it." It is absolutely true. You are not at fault for your husband's addiction. You are enough!!!

Thinking more clearly,

T.