Resigned

The words are running around in my head, but they just won't come out tonight. I have so much that I am struggling with right now that I want to put words to, but I just can't pin them down. I guess I should say, I can't pin down how to say what is in my heart without sounding like a complaining and naggy victim. Maybe that's my answer, but my heart is so heavy right now I just need to somehow unburden a bit of it. 

B. said something to me today that made me wonder if our marriage can ever be repaired. He said (I'm paraphrasing), "I guess that you just aren't what I want you to be." It really struck a nerve because that's what I have felt our entire marriage, that somehow I don't measure up, that I'm not enough. It hurts so much to hear him actually say it. 

I feel like what he would like me to be is a Stepford Wife. I feel like he thinks he would be happy if I enjoyed everything he enjoys, always wanted to participate in whatever recreation is his current passion, fulfilled his porn-fuled sexual fantasies, cooked his dinner every night, kept the house clean and worked to support him so he wouldn't ever have to. He denied that that's what he wants when I replied that way to him earlier, but it FEELS that way to me. That's all I have to go on, how I feel. 

The blame has been heaped on me pretty thickly this week. I am getting blamed for some of the most ridiculous things by the shovelful. I am having a hard time finding my way out of the pile of crap I'm getting buried under. I am so tired of getting blamed for not being supportive enough of his recovery. I'm apparently not making his recovery easy enough on him. 

After a session with my counselor last week and some prayer and pondering on my part, I turned control of B.'s phone back over to him. I unblocked some of the restrictions (like downloading apps and the internet), although I left the internet filtered. I also told him the passcode for the restrictions so that he can control them himself (which ironically is our wedding anniversary). He admitted to me yesterday morning that he has been very tempted to act out now that he has more access, which I wasn't surprised by. During that discussion it came out that part of the reason we had been sexually intimate the morning before was because he had been fighting the temptation to act out and had instead woken me up early on Saturday so we could be intimate. I was crushed. When I told him how hurt I am, his response was to ask me why I had given him back control of his phone. WHAT?!? He wants me to trust him, but then blames me because he can't be trusted? I am hurt and angry to say the least.

Earlier in the week I falsely accused B. of acting out. I was able to verify that it was a false accusation and I apologized. B. said he understood that I don't trust him because he hasn't been trustworthy in the past, that was HUGE. Let me repeat, THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME! He actually took responsibility for how his actions had impacted our marriage. I was so grateful and I told him so a couple of times. Before I was able to verify that it was a false accusation I had written him a letter telling him that he had basically two weeks to find a place to live and be out. This may seem drastic, but it wasn't for me and it felt like what I needed to do. It hurt. It still hurts to think that I may have to ask him to leave. I don't want that, but I can't live like this anymore. What I don't understand is why, when he knows the consequences of him acting out, doesn't he fight harder for himself and for us? Why is his own selfish behavior more important that we are?

The message that I keep getting from B. is that I don't matter, I'm not worth fighting for. That not only am I not worth fighting for but that somehow I am to blame for that fact. The "if only's" are ringing out loud and clear ("if only" I could do this, "if only" I didn't do this). His mouth keeps saying that that isn't the truth, but his actions scream loudly that it is. I keep getting bombarded with the message that I'm not enough and that I don't matter and then told that I have to work harder to make it easier for him and fight harder for our marriage. He has asked me repeatedly why he should work so hard to fight for someone that is so angry all the time. Why? I guess only he can answer that. I'll be honest, I'm about done fighting, I'm about ready to lay it all down and call it unwinable. I am about to admit defeat to Satan and congratulate him on being able to tear apart another family. 

Resignedly,

T.

Battle Fatigue

Battle Fatigue is what PTSD was known as during WWII. It doesn't fit exactly what I am feeling, but the words paint a picture for me of what I look like on the inside. I am weary to the bone of fighting this battle and I just want to go to sleep for a while and take a break from life. Nobody call 911, I'm not suicidal, just worn out. I am physically, emotionally and mentally worn out.

Right now where I am really struggling is to find that balance. How much recovery work can I realistically do and keep up on life. Right now I'm not being very successful at either. I know I'm not the only one trying to find this balance, I've heard others talk about it too. I also know that the balance looks different for everyone. I work full-time plus, I have kids and a house to keep up. I also try to find some time to do things for self-care and recovery. It feels like right now I'm trying to find that delicate balance between time for recovery and time for life…and a splinter can tip the scales.

The other thing I am struggling with right now is my utter disconnection from B. I have erected almost all my walls again and shored them up with new ones. It was done intentionally and with purpose. He is showing signs of working on and trying to be in recovery. The problem is that it is never consistent. He will be very contentious of my needs and will be thinking of things to lighten the load for me and work on connecting with me and being honest…for a couple of days. Then it's all too much for him and he withdraws and his needs come first. It is like standing on a rug that you love that is covering a concrete floor…it is so nice and warm and comforting for a couple days then all of a sudden it gets yanked out from underneath you and you end up on the cold hard floor with new purple bruises on top of the already tender yellow ones that are just starting to heal. It is more traumatic in a way than the last 20 years have been because I had those couple of days of connection and care. It's like I'm being robbed of that safety over and over and over again. Before, I never expected or hoped for it, so it was just was I was used to with zero expectations of it being any different. Now, I can see the changes and feel the difference SOME of the time. Mind you, I wouldn't go back to the way it was either. I could not live like that anymore.

When he checks in with me at night and relates how he is feeling relationally he always says disconnected. He will sometimes say that he doesn't know what he is fighting for anymore because I am so disconnected. I have told him every which way what I need to be able to start connecting more. CONSISTENCY. That's it. I need to see consistent improvement with more good days that bad. I'm not asking for perfection, just progress.  I need to be thought of more and my needs need to be as important as his own.

I want to connect with my husband. I want to have a happy marriage. I believe that those two things are possible. I just need some safety and consistency before they will happen. I believe that as we both get more recovery under our belts that our relationship will become our focus. Right now all I can do is concentrate on is my own recovery and being the best me I can be.

Weary to the bone,

T.

Surrender

Letting go and letting God is a concept I have read and heard about. I have heard that surrender isn't giving your will over but giving your heart over. It is about learning to trust that our Heavenly Father has our back. It seemed very difficult to me. Not hard to understand but difficult to put into practice. I don't trust easily and even though He is the one that I know I can trust completely, opening my heart up to trust is a difficult thing.

Two weeks ago in LifeStar our homework was to get a surrender box and put it into practice. It took me a couple days to decide what I wanted, but I found the perfect box I wanted (I'm working to eliminate words like perfect from my everyday conversation and save them to describe things that really are perfect, like our Heavenly Father).  It is beautiful on the outside and has a place for paper on the inside. The words of surrender are stored underneath.

I have really been working hard to align my will that that of our Heavenly Father. Sundays are rough for us. Satan seems to work extra hard on both of us on Sunday. Yesterday was no different, it was a rough day. Last night when I knelt in prayer, I had one of the most powerful experiences I can recall having.

I truly opened my heart and turned my concerns over to Him. I sincerely wanted to NOT carry them around anymore. I was risking a lot in my mind but He showed me it was no risk at all because He has already carried them. As I opened my heart up and surrendered my burdens, I literally felt a band loosen from around my heart. It was an actual physical sensation. As that band loosened I was able to take a deep breath. I COULD BREATHE! I didn't realize the physical tightness and pain I was carrying around. I didn't realize I hadn't been able to take a deep breath. It was incredible! I COULD BREATHE! Sorry I had to say it twice (I wrote it a few times in my journal last night so I wouldn't forget).

I didn't realize that my burdens were restricting me and that an actual physical sensation could take place when I chose to unburden myself to my Heavenly Father. I was left with a racing heart and a little anxiety because of the unexpectedness of it, but it was so freeing.

When you find yourself burdened with a load that you can't carry, or concerns that are weighing you down. Lighten your load, surrender it to the Lord. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, has already carried that load, he has already payed the price. He just wants us to stop trying to haul it around and give it on over. I heard this saying about learning to reach out and surrender (it may be from AA, I am sorry I cannot give the proper credit for it)…on your knees, on the phone, in the box. In others words, write your burden down and put it in a surrender box (I used to practice this by having a metaphorical surrender box, the real thing is actually much more of a powerful tool for me), get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to take your burden away, you have to actually hand it over…then get on the phone and call a support person.

Nobody understands us better than He does. I will keep practicing surrendering because I have felt the evidence of it's power.

Breathing again,

T.