Worthy of Love

   I have struggled to write this post, because it seems so insignificant in the scheme of things, but it is significant to me. Being single is so freeing in some ways, I get to do what I want without consideration of what someone else wants. At the same time it's isolating because you don't have that person to lean on that should be there for you. For me personally, the hardest part is having to ask for help from outside, I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I have made great strides in accepting that others WANT to help me, the same as I want to help them. I try to remind myself frequently, that I am loved by many and that that love is not conditional. One of the lasting effects of Betrayal Trauma is the way I feel about myself, and the feeling of never being enough or worthy of love. I still fight this battle every single day. I have been able to overcome a lot of the negative self talk and false beliefs, but that nagging one of not being worthy of love still lingers. I know in my heart I am worthy of being loved, it's just my mind that keeps feeding me that negative message. I've been conditioned for so many years from messages I received as a young woman, to the prevalence of the message in media, and the effect that B's addiction had on me. As women we are bombarded by the message that if we don't look and act "sexy" then we aren't worthy of love. It's tough propaganda to not buy into. All that to say, I needed my support system this last weekend, they showed up for me, and it was humbling.

Last Friday, I went to the Emergency Room after almost 24 hours of having the symptoms of a stomach bug. I just thought I was going in to be hydrated and get some nausea medicine. That turned out not to be the case, I had a partial small bowel obstruction (related to scar tissue from previous surgeries), and I was admitted to the hospital. It's scary being admitted to the hospital knowing you don't have a partner to be there to support you. It is what it is though, so I buckled down and knew I could get through this (after an hour of crying by myself on the ER stretcher). I let -my best friend know what was going on and without even a thought she said, "I'm coming". Y'all she lives four hours away and has her own family to take care of. It wasn't even a question to her, she finished up work, packed up and drove the four hours to sleep on the hospital couch with me. The love of that gesture was overwhelming. I was scared. I was on pain medicine. I have diabetes. We had no idea if I was going to need surgery (I didn't). It was a lot, but I chose to be by myself, so I was just going to do what I had to do. Having someone there so I didn't have to face it alone, it was such a relief. Then within a short time of being admitted I received flowers and a blanket from my amazing work friends. I can't tell you how many texts and messages of support and concern I received, as well as dinners provided when I got home, one friend even made sure I had a picture of the afghan I entered in our county fair, since I couldn't see it in person. The outpouring of love shown to me was astounding. I have several women whom I consider best friends, it's amazing the kind, loving, and supportive friends I have. I am beyond blessed. I was not alone physically, emotionally, or spiritually. 

I ended up staying in the hospital until Sunday, so two days, and got to go home on my birthday. It was a short stay considering what it could have been. Here's what was the worst part of it, I had to cancel a trip to see my parents and take care of my sister after surgery she was having. I was supposed to leave on Saturday, and celebrate my birthday with my twin sister. Then on Monday she had surgery, I was supposed to be there to take care of her. It sucked. I actually don't like that word at all. but it's what sums it up. She's had a rougher week than she expected, and I wasn't there. I wanted to be there. I wanted to show her the love of being well cared for. She has support and people there to take care of her, but I wanted to be the one that was there. I miss my sister. I miss my parents. I want to see them. This pandemic has made that very hard. I haven't seen them much in the last 15 months. Not being able to go see my family and take care of my sister has been the hardest part of this. Now anyway. 

I am finally feeling pretty much back to normal. I used my week of vacation to recover, which is not how I wanted to spend my time off. Life doesn't always give us what we want, but sometimes it gives us what we need. For me this whole experience has reminded me how much I am loved. It's reinforced the amazing support system I have. It has reminded me that I am no longer living in the isolation of Betrayal Trauma, and the things I kept hidden about my life for so many years. It reminded me that I am worthy of being loved. I am truly blessed that I have so many people in my corner. Heavenly Father is looking out for me. 

I AM LOVED.

Sincerely,

T.

A Lot to Unpack

 I need to start blogging/journaling again, because I am finding I have a lot to unpack and it's just rattling around in my brain right now. The last year plus has been so HARD in some ways and such a blessing in others. I'm not ready to unpack all that today, today I want to unpack my feelings about marriage. There are a lot, and they are contradictory, uncertain, strong, and hopeful. See what I mean, a lot to unpack.

Let me start by saying I want to be married again. I want a companion. I want to be loved for who I am, and be able to return that love to another person. I WANT that, beyond that is where the waters get muddy. You see, when I got married the first time, B and I were sealed for time an all eternity in one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The significance of that is that we believe that we will be able to be together after death. I still want that, not with B, but it's still something I want. I want to find a companion that I can be with forever. In all honesty, that looks nearly impossible from where I stand right now. I am trying to have faith that if I follow the guidance I get from my Heavenly Father and listen to what he has to say to me, that I will be blessed. Trusting in His timing is not always my strong suit. 

Part of what I am struggling with is my own false belief that if my beautiful and amazing friends have not been able to find forever companions, how will I? I have fought the demon of comparison for as long as I can remember, and most days it takes constant reminders to not compare myself to others. My journey is not their journey. My choices are not their choices. My life not theirs. Why do I find myself any less worthy than someone else for companionship and love? I don't have the fortitude to unpack all of that now, but I can say I have struggled with my self worth since at least my early teens. I need to do the work to learn to love me, in order to attract the companion I want, but I'll tell you that is much easier said that done most days. I have been able to work through those feelings of inadequacy that stemmed from B's porn use, and I no longer believe that it was because I wasn't enough that he turned to porn. The scars on my heart came much earlier than that and I haven't been able to repair them completely. 

This post is not heading in the direction I thought it was going to, but apparently the words are taking me someplace I need to be tonight. I don't know if I have shared this before, but apparently I need to talk about it, because these are the words that keep coming to my heart tonight. 

I was told I was fat from the time I hit puberty, maybe not in those words, but in other ways. I received this message from people that were supposed to love me unconditionally, and it became my own personal internal message. It's the voice I still hear today. It doesn't help that the message I receive so much as a women from mainstream media is that my worth is in how I look and how sexy I am. I am, in fact, obese. I am no where near society's standard of beauty. I am nowhere near my own standard of beauty, which I have been trying to demolish for years. I am not blaming my obesity on the messages I receive from society, or the ones I got in childhood. This is on me, I made the choices that got me here. I grant you that I do have disordered eating, but that is still not an excuse in my book. I know I need to have compassion on myself and give myself grace, but I still need to hold myself accountable. I find that bottom line is that I don't love myself, and because I don't love myself, I don't take care of myself. I don't put in the work emotionally, spiritually, or physically to heal. 

As hard as it is to see that there in black and white, it's a good dose of reality for me. I also can't keep beating myself up about it, I just need to take the time to do the work. I feel like tonight I have made a step in the right direction. Apparently my heart knew what I needed to say, even if my mind hadn't acknowledged it yet. 

Accountably,

T.