A Lot to Unpack

 I need to start blogging/journaling again, because I am finding I have a lot to unpack and it's just rattling around in my brain right now. The last year plus has been so HARD in some ways and such a blessing in others. I'm not ready to unpack all that today, today I want to unpack my feelings about marriage. There are a lot, and they are contradictory, uncertain, strong, and hopeful. See what I mean, a lot to unpack.

Let me start by saying I want to be married again. I want a companion. I want to be loved for who I am, and be able to return that love to another person. I WANT that, beyond that is where the waters get muddy. You see, when I got married the first time, B and I were sealed for time an all eternity in one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The significance of that is that we believe that we will be able to be together after death. I still want that, not with B, but it's still something I want. I want to find a companion that I can be with forever. In all honesty, that looks nearly impossible from where I stand right now. I am trying to have faith that if I follow the guidance I get from my Heavenly Father and listen to what he has to say to me, that I will be blessed. Trusting in His timing is not always my strong suit. 

Part of what I am struggling with is my own false belief that if my beautiful and amazing friends have not been able to find forever companions, how will I? I have fought the demon of comparison for as long as I can remember, and most days it takes constant reminders to not compare myself to others. My journey is not their journey. My choices are not their choices. My life not theirs. Why do I find myself any less worthy than someone else for companionship and love? I don't have the fortitude to unpack all of that now, but I can say I have struggled with my self worth since at least my early teens. I need to do the work to learn to love me, in order to attract the companion I want, but I'll tell you that is much easier said that done most days. I have been able to work through those feelings of inadequacy that stemmed from B's porn use, and I no longer believe that it was because I wasn't enough that he turned to porn. The scars on my heart came much earlier than that and I haven't been able to repair them completely. 

This post is not heading in the direction I thought it was going to, but apparently the words are taking me someplace I need to be tonight. I don't know if I have shared this before, but apparently I need to talk about it, because these are the words that keep coming to my heart tonight. 

I was told I was fat from the time I hit puberty, maybe not in those words, but in other ways. I received this message from people that were supposed to love me unconditionally, and it became my own personal internal message. It's the voice I still hear today. It doesn't help that the message I receive so much as a women from mainstream media is that my worth is in how I look and how sexy I am. I am, in fact, obese. I am no where near society's standard of beauty. I am nowhere near my own standard of beauty, which I have been trying to demolish for years. I am not blaming my obesity on the messages I receive from society, or the ones I got in childhood. This is on me, I made the choices that got me here. I grant you that I do have disordered eating, but that is still not an excuse in my book. I know I need to have compassion on myself and give myself grace, but I still need to hold myself accountable. I find that bottom line is that I don't love myself, and because I don't love myself, I don't take care of myself. I don't put in the work emotionally, spiritually, or physically to heal. 

As hard as it is to see that there in black and white, it's a good dose of reality for me. I also can't keep beating myself up about it, I just need to take the time to do the work. I feel like tonight I have made a step in the right direction. Apparently my heart knew what I needed to say, even if my mind hadn't acknowledged it yet. 

Accountably,

T.