I am angry today…frankly I've been angry all week. There are some HUGE things going on in my life right now (outside of the addiction and trauma)…at least they feel HUGE to me. I really have no emotional reserve right now and I have been snappy and peevish all week. I hate that I am so angry and that I have slipped back into that pattern. I need to find some healing again and use my tools to let go of the anger. I can't change B, all I can change is me. Sound like I'm trying to say it so I can make myself believe it? I am a little bit. I just want to shake B and say "Wake the hell up and SEE me!" I know it won't do any good, especially with the swear word thrown in there…but it's what I want to do at the current moment.
I really want to be SEEN, HEARD and CARED FOR. I really want to not have to carry this load alone. B texted me on Thursday and told me that he wants to be there for me through this and that's all I've ever wanted, for him to be present and help me through trials. I have been the one taking care of everyone for so long, I don't know how NOT to do that. I try to give him more of the load, but he drops it so often that I end up picking it up anyway. Most of the time it's easier to just carry it myself, but that turns me into a rescuer and leaves me feeling resentful and used.
I can barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to get a few thoughts down.
Wishing I wasn't so angry,
T.
I know what its like not being seen. Feeling like all efforts are wasted sucks. In my situation I had to let go of fixing my marriage to allow myself to be healed. I found it didn't matter what my wife thinks of me. It matters what I believe my Heavenly Father feels about me. Knowing his love, helps me love others. Love is the only way we can truly help others. It hurts when love is not accepted, but allowing my self to be hurt allows me to keep feeling and keep loving, which better than the alternative.
ReplyDeleteSo you were addicted to porn and your wife wouldn't let it go?
DeleteI was addicted to porn, but my wife left me because I recovered and she could no longer control me with shame. Of coarse that isn't the story she tells. I feel sorry for her because her deep distrust of everyone continues to cause problems in her life. She can't see the problems she creates because she always finds a way to put blame on someone else.
DeleteI'm angry today too. And, I can barely keep my eyes open. Good night and heres to a less angry tomorrow. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you had a less angry day. Took me a couple days. :(
DeleteHugs. Keep working (which I know you will) and answers WILL come.
ReplyDeleteI am working! Answers come every day!
DeleteIt seems like the person being absent mentally and preoccupied in their brain is a common characteristic of a porn user?
ReplyDeleteI have to be honest... I see the boundaries and I see so many women hurt. I don't even feel like I have energy or want that.
My husband disclosed about a year after marriage he was into viewing porn. Apologized with tears and messed up a bit after that. I told him last time that is leave him if he did it again. So he kept doing it and hiding to for a long time he told me last weekend. We've been married 14 years now and honestly i feel like I've never delt with it so now, a sex scene came on tv with clothes on and it triggered me so bad. I shook for days it's like the trauma just happened all over again to me. My husband refuses to want to talk about it. We are getting counselling for or marriage as we seem to pretty much not have one now. I realized a couple weeks ago he carries all the addict features. Distant, and all of it. I am getting help for my trauma but he really thinks it's just me he doesn't realise it's all about what he's done to me.
He doesn't feel bad about not telling me. He says it does no good. God forgives him if he messes up. I feel mad, I feel like I don't even want a person who I am going to have to wonder about this my whole life? It's never going a way? We have 6 kids so that changes everything... I don't even know how to move on but addo recovery is helping me.
Oh my warrior sister, you aren't alone...this recovery work is a rocky uphill battle. Only you can answer the hard questions for your own life. The trauma is unbearable sometimes. Reach out and pray. You have a whole army of warrior sisters behind you. Addo is a great place to be. Hugs! Hold on my friend. Hold on.
Delete