Friday, November 27, 2015

Boundaries, Compassion and Trusting My Gut

As Thanksgiving winds down and we head into Christmas, I am at peace emotionally with where I am but I am struggling physically. I have been sick for over three weeks now and I just don't seem to be getting better. I think that my body has just had enough emotional stress and is trying to get me to slow down and recover a bit. I am doing my best to listen.

As I mentioned in my last post, I realized that my boundaries had been slipping and that I needed to reinforce them. I have done a good job at this and have been feeling a lot more peace the last couple of weeks. My amazing LifeStar leader said something in group a couple of weeks back to the effect of, "Boundaries allow us to have compassion." At first it took me a bit to accept and understand this, but it now makes sense to me. When I let my boundaries slide, I have no emotional room for compassion for B., I am too emotionally spent trying to stay out of trauma. However, when I hold my boundaries firm, I am able to look at things with a bit more perspective and realize that B. is struggling too. It doesn't mean I allow my boundaries to go more lax in order to make things "easier" for him. It means I am better able to cope with my trauma and not react to him. I am better able to cope and not go into victim, rescue or persecute mode. I am able to take care of me and allow my husband the room to take care of himself, or not take care of himself whichever the case may be.

I have also realized that my trip to the Temple and the confirmation from Heavenly Father that I need to hold on a bit longer, came at just the time I needed it to. I needed that sure knowledge that I was making the right decision to let B. stay and have an "in-house separation" to the best of our ability. Heavenly Father knew I needed that because it was going to be tested.

I have felt for weeks that B. has been acting out and lying to me about it. That he has been hiding things. I have told him this multiple times, I have asked him multiple times if he was acting-out and lying. Each time I got the response that no he wasn't acting out, and that he was sorry I felt like he was hiding something. Well guess what? I was right. He HAS been acting out for weeks and he HAS been lying to me. This has been going on for WEEKS.

I am so grateful for the increased faith I have found through this struggle. Without it I would never have had the strength to weather that confession. I think I would've crumbled if it weren't for the faith I have found in Heavenly Father and his timing. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. It hurts so much that at times I physically ache. My chest hurts and my stomach wrenches itself in knots. At those times especially though, I am still able to feel the love Heavenly Father has for me and it helps.

It's the lies that hurt the very most. I keep thinking we are past the lies and then *BOOM* here they come again. It's like being shot at just as the last wound is closing up. The thing that is so hard is that he hasn't just been lying to me, he has been lying to his LifeStar group, his personal therapist, and our couples therapist. He would sit in couples therapy and tell our therapist how angry I am and how bullied he feels by me. It hurt so much and was so triggering but I honestly took it as feedback and looked at and am working on changing my own behavior. The whole time he was acting out and lying to me and I could feel it and my trauma was running so high, yet he continued to play the victim.

I am continuing to lean on Heavenly Father's counsel and guidance. I am continuing to work my recovery. I am trusting my gut. I am holding my boundaries. I am finding compassion. I am strong. I am resilient. I am fighting. My husband's choices and actions do not reflect my worth. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and because of that I have worth. I am learning to love myself, maybe for the first time in my life.

Holding strong,


Sunday, November 15, 2015


I've been visibly absent here for over a month. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I haven't been taking care of myself. I have slipped in my recovery. Tonight though, I need to write. I guess I should say, in the wee hours of morning I NEED to write. There is something inside of me that has to come out, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I just have to write. Bear with me because my soul needs to be heard.

B. is not in recovery, he's not sober, maybe from pornography and masturbation, but he isn't sober. He is numbing out in other ways. Computer, t.v., sleep, hobbies. He isn't working on becoming sober either. He is hiding behind blame, anger, hurt and perceived rejection. He feels that this week he has finally found what the root of his problem is, and maybe he has. I hope so for his sake, but I am having an impossible time finding compassion for him. My heart is broken and my insides are raw, but all he can see is how poorly I treat him, which isn't entirely wrong. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't take any more hurt either.

Tonight I was watching a Christian movie called The Song. It's about a man of faith who goes the way of fame and all that that often entails. Without divulging too much of the movies plot, at the very end he says to his wife, "You are enough." I cried. How long have I waited to hear those words and truly feel that they were honest? How much have I ached to feel that I am enough for my husband? Our entire marriage, that's how long. I have waited almost twenty-one years to feel that I am enough for the man that I chose as my eternal companion. I want to be done waiting. I asked to be done waiting, but His answer was, "Not yet, hold on a little longer." That was not the answer I wanted, it hurts too much, but it's the answer I received.

I have caused much of my own pain the last few weeks because I have slipped back into old patterns. I have let my boundaries slip because I just wanted to connect to B. I have rescued. I have compromised myself by being intimate because he wanted to, even though I didn't want to. I have done all of this in the hope that he would just see me. Why? Why did I do these things when they haven't worked for twenty years? I don't know. Okay, well I guess I do know. I desperately want my marriage to be happy and for my husband to love me. I want to feel that I matter to him. I don't feel that way and he told me himself that I don't. It was probably the most honest thing he has said to me, maybe ever. He didn't say it in a mean way, or in anger. He was right, I don't matter to him, because he is broken. My question is, how long to I have to wait to matter? How long am I supposed to stay in a marriage with a man that I don't matter to..."...a little longer." was the answer I got.

It's been heavy on my mind this week to ask for a separation, and for B. to leave the house. I have agonized over it. I have prayed about it. I have talked to my counselor and my group about it. I have prayed and prayed, talked to Heavenly Father and prayed some more. I felt that I knew the answer was that I needed to uphold some boundaries and "hold on a little longer." I knew that was my answer, and I went to the Temple today and received confirmation of that answer. Either way there wasn't a good answer for me. Either way my heart is breaking. Either way I am hurting. I have faith in Him and his timing, and so for now I am here and I am working.

I am enough for Him and for now, that has to be enough for me.