Trusting Myself

I am currently reading a book that has held me riveted, it's called Educated and it is written by Tara Westover. I am appalled and at the same time enthralled with this woman's story. How a human could have been raised the way she was and survive, let alone create a new life for herself is astounding to me. If you haven't read it, I recommend it.

This post isn't a book review though, it's about something she wrote in her book. There are times I find myself rewriting history, well not really rewriting it, but forgetting pieces of it. I am healing, growing, and learning that I am more than what my trauma has told me. Reading Ms. Westover's words reminded me that there were years where I lived in a different state of mind though. "...that I was likely insane. If I was insane, everything could be made to make sense. If I was sane nothing could. This logic seemed damning. It was also a relief. I was not evil; I was clinical." I felt crazy for years in my marriage, I lived with that feeling of craziness at times, even though I knew in my heart I wasn't.

I don't diminish the fact that I was gaslighted, and I am not taking on responsibility for my ex-husband's actions by saying that I "chose" crazy. I didn't choose to feel crazy consciously. I felt crazy because what I felt in my gut and what I was being told by my ex and by my own investigation differed. I knew things to be one way in my heart, but my logical mind couldn't find proof. That led me to feel crazy.

Why the statement above resonated so much with me was because in a way I did choose to feel crazy, because I chose not to trust myself. I had promptings that B was deep in his addiction and was lying to me. I would investigate to try and "catch" him, but he was really good at covering his tracks. Then I would confront him and he would very convincingly lie to me. Therefore, I MUST be crazy because why else would I get "promptings" or "gut feelings" if they weren't true? Only they were true, and I trusted what my logic mind was telling me over what my spiritual center perceived. I trusted my what I saw more than I trusted my faith in God.

I am not comparing or correlating my own experience to that of the author's, only saying that her words struck a chord with me tonight. I know what it feels like to question your own sanity when in the mode of self-preservation. When the truth you are being required to face, is harder than living with the feeling of insanity.

My life is what I choose it to be, at least to some degree. I am handed situations that are out of my control, that is how life happens. I am not in control of what happens to me, I am in control of how I react to what happens to me. I don't always react the way I wish I did. I frequently don't react the way I wish I did, for that matter. I am however, in control of how I act and react. I have help dealing with my actions and reactions though. I take medication for depression and anxiety, I attend therapy, and I try and maintain a close relationship with God. My life is my own to chose, however, I was not meant to chose to walk alone. I cannot choose to live my life in isolation and be my happiest self. Sometimes people and situations enter my life and I am taxed and challenged in ways I am ill-equipped to handle. That is when I need to choose to trust myself and rely on the tools and people around me, including my faith in God. I didn't choose to do this for a long time, and once I did, it took me a long time to learn to trust myself again. That was truly one of the hardest things I have had to recover from, the absolute inability to trust myself.  It was one of the things that most devastated our marriage, the fact that I was conditioned not to trust myself.

If you don't trust yourself, start trying. You are not alone in this battle. There are many others here to help. Trust yourself enough to reach out.

Learning to trust,

T.

The Road Less Traveled

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

This poem has been in my mind the last couple of weeks, particularly the last verse. I feel like Heavenly Father has led me to where two roads have diverged, and that I have chosen the one less traveled by. The divergence He has led me to, is two different paths to a graduate degree. In the back of my mind for months now has been the thought that I have graduate school options, and I have fought those thoughts a lot. I honestly had no desire to go back to school. None. Now, it's all I can think about, and I am excited.

It always amazes me that I can feel inspiration from Him so clearly, when just a few years ago, I had done my best to cut myself off from God. That is a story for another time, or you can read it on my Instagram post form earlier this week (@leavingnothingunsaid on Instagram). Like I said, I've had thoughts about graduate school in the back of my head for a few months, but in the last two weeks, He has brought them front and center. He has shown me that I need to take a new road, one I have not traveled before. I have had two major choices in fields of study in my mind, and logically, one makes a lot more sense than the other. It is directly related to my undergraduate degree, it probably has a higher earning potential, and it has a high demand. The other degree, is not directly related to my undergrad degree, but I can move right to it, it is definitely the road less traveled for me, it makes the least logical sense of the two choices, and yet I feel called to take it. I always knew what I was meant to do growing up, from the time I was little. I never wavered. I have followed that path for 21 years, this would be a completely different career. It is, however, a career that I am deeply passionate about and feel called.

I give all the credit where it is due, my Father in Heaven. He has guided my life. He has lead me through the worst trial of my life. He will continue to bring me through. As I have taken steps down that road less traveled, it has felt peaceful and right. It's not going to be easy, but it is what I am meant to do.

Travelling,

T.

*poem from poetryfoundation.org

One is the Loneliest Number

Heavenly Father has truly blessed me to have amazing people in my life, I have felt His love so deeply through the people He has placed in my life. In the last few months though, hard and amazing events have happened in the lives of a lot of my support people that have pulled them away. I don't blame any of them, everyone has to know their limits, and everyone deserves to focus on their own needs, hopes and dreams. My sister has had a lot going on, working full time, building a house, going to school, so she hasn't had a lot to give me. One of my closest friends has gone back to school, and another one has had to put her mom in assisted living and has bought a house. My LifeStar group ended abruptly and with a fair amount of emotion. My parents just moved into a new home, so they have been busy. My sister and parents already live a few hundred miles away, so that limits in person support any way. The relationship with my "sisters" that I had through marriage has changed with the divorce (which is to be expected). All these things have happened in the last few months.

I still have some amazing support in my life. I have some amazing friends that I reach out to daily, and they allow me to be there for them. I have a therapist that knows me so well and is helping me navigate all this. I have a group of friends that I am able to video chat with.  I have friends at church. I'm not without support, but I AM lonely.

I miss having someone that I could talk to at the end of the day. Someone to share the joy and burden of parenting with.  I miss having someone to sit on the couch with and watch tv. I miss having someone to hold me on a hard day and just let me cry. These things were largely missing the last few years of my marriage, but there was still the hope of having them when B and I were married.

Maybe my loneliness is partly grief for what I dreamed and hoped to have in my marriage and never did on a consistent basis, and didn't really have at all the last few years. Maybe I am grieving the loss of a partner. That feels true. Sometimes I need to start typing or writing in order to get the feelings out. I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted I think. I don't think I am grieving that loss of my actual marriage, I am grieving the loss of the marriage I always wanted. I never gave up hope that we could have that marriage. Clear up until a few weeks before our divorce, I still has some hope that we could rebuild and have an even stronger marriage than we had ever had. Hope is so hard at times.

I don't have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know that every marriage has challenges and that it is by working through those challenges that growth happens and strength is gained. I want to put in the work to build a relationship of trust and understanding. I want a partnership.

I keep getting the message that I'm not ready to date and/or have a relationship. It's coming from all over, including from myself. I know I have growing to do. I know that I have trust issues and body shame. I know I lack confidence and love for myself. I know that I'm probably not ready for a relationship. That doesn't diminish the need I have for connection. It doesn't ease the loneliness, or decrease the desire to have a partner. I know that I need to learn to surrender these feelings to my Heavenly Father. I know that Christ has already carried this burden for me. I have true faith in the power of The Atonement. Right now I am having difficulty accessing it. The loneliness is so bone deep right now that I literally feel like I have a hollow place in side my chest.

I also know that every single day I see Heavenly Father's tender mercies in my life. I see His love for me in both little and big ways. I feel his care and concern for me. Because I feel and know these things, I know that I will be able to get through this. I am not hopeless, just weary. I know that what is happening right now, this bone deep loneliness, won't stay forever. I know that I will be able to access Christ's loving atonement for me again. I know that this is just a temporary stopping point on my journey. I will get through this. I will find joy and connection again.

I can't predict the future, or see when or if I will have another relationship or marriage. I know that Heavenly Father's hand is in my life. I have faith that I will continue to be blessed by him. Just writing this has helped lift some of the loneliness and allowed some hope to sneak in.

Less lonely,

T.

Trusting Touch Again

One of the hardest things for me about Betrayal Trauma, is that touch became unsafe. Anytime B. touched me I felt he had ulterior motives. I always wondered what he "expected" from the touch. Was I going to get used again? It didn't matter what his intentions were, because he had touched me in unsafe ways, all touch started to feel unsafe. I hated it, because I am a very physically affectionate person, although because I felt I couldn't trust B's touch, I didn't want to touch our be touched. It hurt. I have found that I have learned how to trust touch in vulnerable situations again though.

If you are just learning to trust again, this may seem unfathomable to you. It certainly felt unfathomable to me for a while. I was introduced to a massage therapist we will call C. Well, I actually won a massage from her about fourish years ago. I was terrified the first time I went. It was scary to get naked on a table and let anyone touch me. I wanted to have a healing person touch me, but I was scared. C. was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G at putting me at ease. It took me a long time to be able to completely relax and let go though. She was patient with me and her character and energy are innately soothing, so I gradually started to trust that she could help me relax by using therapeutic touch. I started to trust someone to touch me for my benefit. 

She has been using a modality called Myofascial Release Therapy on me for over a year now. It's a gentle touch that stretches and lengthens the fibers that cover all of our muscles and bind them together in a continuous sheet. Our entire body is covered in fascia, and by releasing the fascia the muscles relax. It is far more therapeutic for me than an actual massage. For more information about Myofascial Release Therapy click here. 

I'll admit to being a skeptic at first, how could such a gentle touch relax my muscles which are often in knots. I will very willingly admit, I was wrong. This gentle touch has done more to help me relax and heal both physically and emotionally than any other form of touch has. 

It wasn't until my treatment a month ago though, that I realized what an amazing gift C. had given me. I had learned to trust touch again. I had learned to allow another to touch me when I am most vulnerable in a safe and healing manner. It was seriously one of those lightning bolt moments. I realized as I was getting dressed that I trust C. completely, and in turn have learned to trust other touch. I implicitly trust that she has my healing as her focus when she is working on me. I have learned that touch CAN be healing. My body and my heart realized this a long time before my mind did. I thought back and realized that I let my guard down with her a long time ago. I trust her to intuitively know what my body needs and provide it (and she never fails to do so).

To lay there naked, in that vulnerable state, and know that I'm being protected (she keeps me modest and comfortable), and be able to completely relax, is remarkable. It is literally the only time all month that my brain "turns off" and finds peace. It is someplace I can be physically and emotionally vulnerable that I never feel judged, and I know I will never be taken advantage of. In fact, C. has gone above and beyond in making sure I get treated and that I am healing. 

I know that Heavenly Father has given me the gift that is C., so that I can learn to trust that touch is safe again. I know that she is an angel here on earth. My respect and admiration of her is deep. She has truly been a gift in my life that I feel I can never repay, but that because of who she is I will never feel I need to. Thank you C., for teaching me to trust that touch can be healing and safe again.

Sincerely,

T.

Two Very Dangerous Words

IF ONLY

This are two of the most dangerous words in the english language. They are also two words that are common in my vocabulary. I had gotten to the point where they were very infrequent visitors to my thoughts, but lately they have crept back in again. I found myself thinking, "If only B would do what he tells me he is going to, I could keep up better." "If only I had some extra money to buy some new furniture, my home would feel more peaceful." "If only I had something to watch on tv, I would be motivated to fold laundry."

Why are these statements so dangerous? What is wrong with thinking of things that you wish would happen? If only, robs me of the peace and joy I could have right in this moment, because it takes the responsibility for my happiness away from me and puts it on something or someone outside of me. Happiness is not to be found from things or people. There is only one source for happiness, God. I need to surrender my fears, shame, lack of motivation, anxiety, and control to Heavenly Father. I need to put my trust in Him. He knows what I need. He knows that I am imperfect and flawed, yet He still loves me. 

I am loved, and the only way to fight through life and find happiness is by surrendering to God's love. 

Big Changes and Unexpected Emotions

half empty closet

This weekend is bringing about big changes for us. B is moving out. For now this is just a separation, we don't know what will happen, it is a long separation though. B has signed a lease on an apartment and we will reassess where we go from here in the future. This isn't a spur of the moment decision, and it hasn't come quickly. I just haven't posted about it here because I wanted to wait until we had told those closest to us. Then time got away from me, so here we are on the eve of the move.

Because I don't want to forget how this came about I am going to share it here. It was almost two months ago now that B and I were having a heated discussion and he said some incredibly hurtful things to me. I had a very strong feeling that it was time to be done. This was a super emotional argument and so I put the feeling aside until I had time to take it out and look at it. For the next several days I earnestly thought and prayed about whether that prompting was the path the Lord would have me take, or whether it was my own emotions taking over. I felt nothing but peace about making a move towards divorce. I also spoke to my therapist about it. I went to see my Bishop and he and I talked about his concerns and questions. He gave me a beautiful blessing that spoke of my willingness to follow the Lord's direction in my life. I then spent time in the Temple in prayer where I had a deeply moving experience. I knew that the decision to proceed towards divorce was the right decision. I don't pretend that Heavenly Father wants to see my marriage fail, but I also don't think he wants to see me continue to live in Trauma and pain. I felt that it was the decision that would bring me the most peace.

I proceeded to tell B that I felt it was time we made preparations for separate lives. He was shocked. He was angry. Then he pulled out a Hail Mary. He worked hard at recovery activities. It was then that the doubt started to creep in. Was I really sure this was the right decision? I felt confused and angry. I was mad that he waited until I was ready and at peace with the decision to move towards a separate life to try and work on recovery. At least more earnestly than he had since the beginning of our journey towards recovery over two years ago. I had all these mixed emotions and I was so unhappy. I had anything but peace.

I was so torn. I didn't want my marriage to end, at least not when it still had potential to be great. It was during this month of indecision that I saw my therapist and she said the words I needed to hear. "You need to get honest with God and with yourself." Those words were the tiniest shove I needed to get of the proverbial fence. I took a deep breath, looked at my heart, said some raw and vulnerable prayers, and knew that separation was still the right answer. I told B. He actually agreed. Our home is not a happy place to be. Neither of us feel that this is a healthy environment.

We agreed on December 1st as the actual move out date, and then I told him he could have until this weekend so he wouldn't have to move out during the week. Then he did basically nothing at all until 2 weeks ago. He finally started looking in ernest and has packed and moved some stuff. Tomorrow he will have help to get some furniture moved over. It still doesn't really feel like this is my life.

This last ten days or so I have exhausted me emotionally. I did not expect to feel so many painful emotions. The overriding one has been grief. I expected to be sad, mad, anxious, relieved, and afraid. I somehow did not expect the ever present grief I have had. I am not mourning the loss of THIS marriage. I am mourning the loss of the marriage we could have had. I am mourning the loss of the man I feel in love with 22 years ago. I hurts so much to feel like we really could have had a healthy and happy marriage, and no that dream is ending. Maybe not forever, but for now it is. I know that we could have been happy and truly had a great marriage, and I am grieving the loss of that potential. Our marriage hasn't been all bad, please don't think that. It has been incredibly unhealthy for a long time though.

Tonight I took our son out for some fun so that B could have some space to pack and move some stuff. He was at his new place when I got home. I walked in the bedroom and felt like I had been sucker punched. I literally lost my breath and started to shed some tears. The first thing I noticed was the missing bookshelf. Then it was my framed bridal portrait that had been on top of the bookshelf resting on the floor against the wall. Then another picture frame turned face down caught my attention and I picked it up to see a picture of us on our wedding day. That was the moment that it really hit me that this was happening. The empty hangers in half the closet looked so lonely. I did not expect to feel so raw. This hurts so much more than I thought it would.

I still have peace knowing that this is the right decision for us. I know that we both need the space from the toxicity that has surrounded us. It is so hard though. I know that Heavenly Father will continue to sustain me. That He is aware of me. I know that I will be ok. It's just going to take time. I don't know what the future holds for my marriage, but I do know that I will continue to follow my Heavenly Father's guiding hand in my life. I know that as I lean on Him I will grow stronger. I know I am loved and cared for.

Achingly,

T.

If you would like to know more about my faith please click here. I would love to share more about what I believe with you, because it has been the only thing that has helped me truly find any healing. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me at awifeprogressing@gmail.com for anything you want to say or ask.

A Letter To My New Bishop

We recently got a new Bishop (he is our lay clergy, you can learn more about that here). He called B in to his office to talk to him, and they discussed B's addiction. B came home feeling loved and cared for, and he told me that the Bishop wanted to learn about Betrayal Trauma, as he hadn't heard of it before. I have felt prompted to share that email here. I hope it helps someone else.

Note: I have edited it to include the hyperlinks, and I have removed some of the personal details for anonymity sake.

Bishop,

Thank you for your willingness to learn about the impact of sex addiction on a spouse. I have attached a packet put together specifically to share about this for Bishops. It has some good information, but it is a lot, take your time and read it. I will also include other resources that can help you. 

Part of understanding about Betrayal Trauma, is learning about sex addiction itself (pornography addiction is a form of sex addiction, pornography just happens to be B's drug of choice). There are some great resources for this. Each website that I am including has a lot of information, the particular page I am linking is a good starting point, but don't stop there.

Fight The New Drug 

Row Boat And Marbles

Then of course there is the Church website about addiction recovery (this has information for both addicts and family members)

LDS Addiction Recovery

For many years I thought I was alone. I lived in shame. Why would my husband need pornography if I was enough? I have learned through my recovery that I AM enough, and that his addiction is not caused by me. His addiction began long before he ever met me. 

I have a form of PTSD called Betrayal Trauma. Basically what it means is that I get a trigger, that causes me to react physically (I have to be on medication for panic attacks), and it affects the way I process and interact with life. It sounds hokey to some, but for me, and many others like me, it is as real as a soldier's PTSD. I am learning through therapy and recovery work how to handle these triggers and what I need to do to keep myself safe and healthy. This has been a long road for me. B has been betraying me through lust, pornography, and masturbation for our entire marriage. His addiction has affected every aspect of our lives. We have had happy times, it's just hard to remember those through all of the unhappy times. 

Here are some resources for Betrayal Trauma, again, these are just jumping off points:

LDS Addiction Recovery Videos  (I am blessed to call some of the ladies, in these Advice To My Younger Self videos, friends)

Rowboat and Marbles: Wife's eyes

The woman that writes the following blog is also a friend, and her blog was instrumental in helping me start on (and continue) my recovery journey.

A Wife Redeemed

This is an organization that has also been instrumental in helping me find the connections I need to heal:

The Togetherness Project

This is the scary one, I write a blog myself. B actually wanted to start it together, but he hasn't written on it in a really long time. Feel free to read it if you'd like. (I shared the link to the blog with him, but I figure you don't need it)

I will share a little bit about our story with you. We have been married 21 years (22 years in March). We were friends for 6 months, dated for 2 months, and engaged for 7 months. We were sealed in the  Salt Lake Temple. The first time I found out about B looking at pornography was about 5 years into our marriage, and I was upset and told him that if it happened again I would divorce him. That led to years of lying and deceit, along with many discoveries. By this point I thought, "If only I was skinnier, prettier, kept a better house, made more money, wanted to have sex more, looked like a super model, whatever it was...he wouldn't need porn." The truth is I could've done and been all those things, and he still would have turned to porn. His use of porn and masturbation was not about me, it was about his mismanagement of his own emotions. He does not know how to sit in his own pain or deal with hard emotions, and so he numbs them in the easiest way he knows how. Some choose alcohol, drugs, staying busy, overeating, tv, video games, whatever it is, B chooses pornography and masturbation. The thing that is different about sex addiction, is that it undermines the very foundation of marriage. It erodes the trust that should be the foundation of a marriage. Not only is the wife being betrayed but there is a significant amount of deceit that goes along with it. The shame that accompanies the addiction is debilitating, that, and the deceit make it very difficult to find recovery. It's an addiction that is so rooted in shame that people will go to astonishing lengths to keep it hidden.

I know that recovery is possible, but it takes being cracked open and letting the will of God pour into you. Letting His will be stronger than the demons that are in control. This goes equally for the spouse. We have to learn that unless we surrender our own will to His, then we will continue to live in this cycle of never-ending trauma. We will continue to feel inadequate, try to control our spouses actions, have feelings of worthlessness, and live in chaos. I have chosen not to live that way any longer. I have no control over my husband's actions, nothing I do, say, don't do, or don't say, can change his will. He has his agency, I can't change that (as much as I admittedly would like to sometimes). The only thing I can do is chose to live close to Heavenly Father and follow his guidance for me. He has been with me throughout this journey, and I am learning more every day about listening to Him.

I have worked really hard to try and stay in this marriage and work hard at saving it, I have listened when Heavenly Father distinctly told me to "Hold on a little longer", when I was really seeking His permission to be done. I have stayed. I have continued to work on my own recovery and as hard as possible on my relational recovery as possible. I have had to keep my heart protected as I have traveled this road, because every time I start to hope the things are getting better because B is making an effort at recovery, I would act on that hope. I would relax my boundaries and let him back in as completely as I could, only to have him take me for granted again and relax his recovery effort and act out again. His cycle of acting out has escalated from years in our early marriage to around a month now. That means he will work really hard for a week or so at recovery, he will let things slip for a week, he will end up in a mode of "everything is terrible, and I am a victim of life" and he will act out for a couple of weeks. Then the cycle will start all over again. Sometimes the cycle can be 2 months, but that just means everything is twice as long. 

I am finally at a point where I have realized I am stuck in my own healing. I don't know what the future holds for us, I am not going to try and predict that. I can only stay true to the guidance of Heavenly Father and go on from there.

Thank you for your open heart and mind, and your willingness to learn about this plague that is tearing so many families apart.  Your loving reaction and openness to learning is already a balm, you have obviously learned to listen to the Spirit rather than reacting as a man. I appreciate that more than I can say. 

Humbly and lovingly,

T.

p.s. The packet of information I attached with my email to my bishop can be found here: Owning Our Stories, and the link is in the right hand column

Shame and Self Worth

While meeting with my therapist today she asked me to journal about some of the things we talked about in our session. I had just typed this in my personal journal, but felt prompted to share publicly.

I told her about the huge shame I had while attending The Togetherness Project conference two weekends ago. We were in Midway, UT, which is a much higher altitude than where I live, and I struggled physically. I was short of breath and sweaty with the slightest bit of activity. It caused me to feel so much shame. I felt like I was a burden on my friends. I didn't want them to have to wait for me or be embarrassed by me. I am sure that none of them felt that way, but I felt that way. They have never behaved in a manner that led me to think anything but that I am loved, it is all my own shame talking.

I feel like a failure when I think about how much I struggle physically. I fight my own food addiction every minute of every day. I am not active because it's embarrassing and painful how out of shape I am. This in turn makes it harder to become more active. It's a cycle that I struggle to break.

My shame about this is debilitating sometimes. I will retreat from others at times, or I will overcompensate at others. With those closest to me, my family, I will react in anger. Really these are all reactions to my own shame. This shame feels so suffocating it's as if I am covered in tar, only it's elastic tar. It clings to me and if I am only able to pull part of it away, if I am not able to completely break free, it rebounds back and envelopes me again. Shame is a physical as well as emotional barrier for me.

As we talked, I also told her about my recovery triad. I feel like my recovery is a triad, and a piece of it is missing so I am stuck in the other parts as well. To me recovery is a triangle or triad of the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of life. I feel like I have worked hard on the emotional and spiritual aspects but that I have neglected the physical aspects. Because of this neglect I have been losing ground in the other areas of recovery. It's the missing piece to truly being able to recover. For me it's also the most challenging.

My therapist had me notice how I was feeling and acting when I was talking about my shame, and how I was feeling and acting when talking about my triad. It was visibly different. When talking about my shame I spoke in a monotone and was more slumped down, it felt dark, oppressing, and hopeless. When I talked about my triad my voice was more animated, I used gestures to explain what I was talking about, I felt lighter and more hopeful. When I talk about my triad the physical component seems doable, rather than hopeless.

As we were talking about my relationships and my sense of emotional and physical abandonment, I was talking about my nephew. I have a great amount of love and protectiveness regarding him because of some challenges he has. When I was speaking about him she pointed out how empathic and compassionate I was regarding him. She also noted that I am that way with most people. I am. I have a heart that was made to love and accept others. It is one of my gifts. Why then, can I not turn that empathy and compassion towards myself? Why can I not be my own best cheerleader. The answer is both complex and simple. I do not feel worthy. That's what it all boils down to, I lack a sense of self worth.

I have learned over these last couple of years to find things about myself that I love. I am getting much better and recognizing my strengths. I also have had great moments of seeing myself as God sees me, as a woman of unchanging worth. My worth does not change in his eyes no matter what, and sometimes I believe this. Underneath it all though, I really struggle to see my worth and remember that it cannot be diminished. I am of value just because I am. That has yet to penetrate my inner core. Because of this lack of self worth, I am out of touch with my own body. I use it as a shell and often even as a hiding place, because I don't connect to it. It's as if it is a separate piece of me. This compartmentalization is because of the shame I feel about it.

I have made some commitments to aid in my physical recovery to myself, my therapist, and a couple of my friends. These commitments are small, and to most would seem simple and silly. To me they are BIG, they are scary, and they are powerful. I have made them knowing that I probably won't be 100% great at them all of the time. That's okay. There's where compassion comes in. I don't get to excuse myself from my commitments, but I get to have compassion with myself if I am putting in the effort and doing the best I can.

My physical recovery is going to be an uphill battle. It's going to require diligence and perseverance. It isn't however, hopeless. It is possible. I can do it if I surrender my shame and fear to my Heavenly Father. If I remember to see my worth through His eyes. I could write a novel about self worth, but until I truly take it in and make it part of me, it's only words. I am working to believe what I know is true, I have undiminished worth just because I am me.

More hopeful,

T.

I Was Wrong, Honesty Isn't Enough

I really, truly, HATE to be wrong, but I am admitting right here in black and white that I was wrong. I have frequently told B. that I need honesty ALL.THE.TIME. I am NOT wrong about that I DO NEED honestly all the time. I had told him that we could work through this as long as he was honest. I'm just not sure that is true anymore. I don't know if I continue to "work through" this trial, if the honesty doesn't also come with humility and accountability. I also know that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over whether I receive any of those things. 

My current mood has also shed some light on where I am personally...not in a good place. I have slid backwards and returned back to being angry all the time. I don't like angry me. In fact, I pretty much LOATHE angry me. She is not someone I want to be around, let alone someone I want to be. Regardless of not liking angry me, I have invited her back in. It wasn't a direct invitation as much as it was an invitation by omission. Omission of active recovery work. Omission of church attendance (I have a valid excuse, but I could've found a way to attend most of the time). Omission of reaching out. Omission of heartfelt prayer. Omission of self-care. I allowed angry me into the pity party and I am the only one that can un-invite her. 

I guess I need to back up a bit and tell you why I had all these forehead smacking moments tonight. Well, they haven't just been tonight, they have been in the back of my head niggling, tapping, pounding, and finally breaking their way through. The trigger itself is probably a microscopic gnat that I allowed to become a macroscopic bird of prey, but tonight it FEELS like a bird of prey. It is preying on my peace and that's unacceptable to me.

Our daughter is home from college this weekend (she is studying culinary arts), and decided to make us dinner. It was a delicious dinner and after a couple of crazy busy weeks and a jam packed weekend so far, she was exhausted. It all just hit her at once. She asked me to clean up dinner and put the leftovers away. I begrudgingly agreed (I hate cleaning up anything, it's one of my major shame points). While cleaning up I asked B. to help me. He asked what needed to be done, when I told him, he told me that he thought we could do it tomorrow. I told him that the food needed to be put away and some dishes needed to be rinsed tonight not tomorrow. He was laying on the couch watching a show on Netflix with headphones on. He looked at me and said, "I don't want to do it." I looked back and said, "None of us WANT to do it." That was the end of the discussion as far as he was concerned and he went back to watching his show.  He knew I was upset, the whole block could probably feel the anger and resentment radiating from me.

Shortly after that we all went to get ready for bed. He climbed in the bed and closed his eyes to go to sleep. Not one word to me about not helping me. In fact he acted (as he often does) as if I wasn't angry and resentful and said some sort of off the cuff goodnight. I told him that I needed to come out and journal because I was too angry to talk to him about how I was feeling. He said "Sorry", in a tone of voice that clearly implied that he was only sorry that I was angry, not that he was sorry for his actions or behaviors. When I asked him why he thought being honest about his feelings was enough, he replied something to the effect that I had told him I need him to be honest and that he could've made up some lame excuse but he didn't he was honest. I told him I do need him to be honest, but that it isn't enough to just be honest. His response was something along the lines of him being "in trouble" either way. He's right, I am upset, but I can guarantee that I would've seen through any excuse and been more upset if he had tried to lie to me. 

This is where I have to admit, my thoughts need  revision. I need more than honesty. I cannot accept anything less than honesty, our relationship is doomed otherwise. I do however, need that honesty to be accompanied by humility and accountability. I need to see that he is willing to and wants to change. He doesn't. He has told me point blank that he has no desire to work on his recovery right now. That is evident every single day.

I have to decide how I am going to react to that. I have to decide that angry and resentful T. can't be around here, she isn't invited to the party. I have to decide to do the things that help me heal. I have to hold my boundaries. I have to disconnect in a healthy way. I have to own that I need help to improve. 

I have been feeling a lot of things lately. Grief and anger being two of the most prominent. The grief is something that I have carried for years. The anger is something that I have carried for years but that I have worked hard to let go of in the past. I have been able to get healthier and work through some of that anger. I have been able to dig beneath that layer and see what is really driving it. Lately I haven't even had the desire to dig down. I hurt too much to want to take off that protective layer of anger and resentment. I have to let that mask go, I have to feel again. I can't numb with food and anger, it's my emotional kryptonite if I do. I am accountable for that. I have to change it. 

Here's me taking a step back. Admitting I was wrong. Shame busting and truth telling. Owning my story for myself and my healing. I am not sure I'm up to facing this, but I have to be. I have to face this and work on what I need to move forward. I am in charge of me.

Humbly eating my slice of pie,

T.

Daring Greatly...A Textbook for Life

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in school. I have homework and reading. I have notebooks, art projects, highlighters, pencils and discussions. There have been times in my recovery that this has all felt like too much for me. Too much time and energy spent on recovery. Too much knowledge and new patterns that I'm trying to fit in my head, heart and life. There have been times when I have had to take a break. I'm just coming off one of those "breaks" and getting my recovery back on track.

I have thought and prayed long and hard about whether a break is necessary or even good for me in recovery. I have come to the conclusion that it depends. It depends on what I'm taking  break from. Some of my recovery behaviors have to be innate and included everyday, otherwise I slip back into old patterns and behaviors. I can however take a break from reading, eating, breathing, and sleeping nothing but recovery.

I'm not advocating that this works for everyone, but it works for me. There are times that I have to let what I have learned settle in and become incorporated in my life. I have to figure out what my "new norm" looks like. What works for me and what doesn't. Then I can start to learn and grow more. That's not right, or not how I see it. I am always learning and growing, it's just sometimes I voraciously want more knowledge and sometimes I have to let the new knowledge I have gained help me to grow. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it's how I see things in my own life.

This last break was a little too long and I let too many of my everyday recovery behaviors slip. I fell back into some of my own habits of enabling and letting my anger control me. No where near the degree as before, but not where I want to be either. I am glad to be back on track and getting those behaviors back in my daily life.

This month for my book club we are reading a book I suggested and have wanted to read for a good while, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  Since I am leading the discussion, I need to make sure I get it read. I sat down today and started it. I'm in love! I mean I already loved what I have seen and read from Brene Brown, but I am even more in love. If you have never heard her speak or read anything by her, I have linked to her Tedx talk in this post. Watch it! You'll be glad you did.

The things I am learning are life changing. Well ok, life affirming. I am learning the importance of and the way to be vulnerable and fight shame. These two things are vital to recovery.  They are skill that if everyone had, we would have so much more open communication and so much less criticism and blame.

This post is in no way sponsored by or affiliated with Brene Brown or Daring Greatly. I just wanted to share something that was helping me be a better me.

A little more vulnerably,

T.

Hyper-Vigilance and Shedding Light

Self-reflection can be such a painful thing, especially when you don't see what you expected to. I have not been very self-reflective lately, I have been outwardly focused. Shame is an ugly monster that has me held ferociously in it's grip. I have started down the slippery slope of trauma, and I am hoping by bringing my shame into the light I can battle it. 

B. just can't find recovery, he doesn't even have the desire most of the time to recover. He is so focused on the fact that he doesn't have a happy marriage to recover to, that he has no desire to recover. That has been a heavy load for me to carry, and one I shouldn't be carrying. I have not been great about surrendering that load to Heavenly Father. I have carried it on my shoulders and let it mire my own recovery. My husband's recovery is not my job to carry around. It is B.'s job to carry his recovery, more accurately it is his job to turn his heart over to Heavenly Father. It is my job to turn my own heart over to Heavenly Father and listen to His guidance.

I have been so hyper-vigilant about B.'s actions recently. Wanting to always know what he is doing, who he is texting, what they are talking about, why he is on his phone. See where this is going? I am being sucked into my trauma cycle. I am letting his actions control me. I am not focused where I should be. My focus is on my husband and not on God. When I lose God as my center my trauma takes over.

I want my husband to find recovery. I want to be able to trust him. I want our marriage to survive. Right now though, I'm at the end of my rope. I am done fighting for my marriage, at least in the way I have been fighting. Now, I feel like I am in a holding pattern. I need to just turn it over to Heavenly Father and let Him guide me. I need B. to step up and show me he wants our marriage to succeed like he keeps telling me. I need to put my faith where it belongs and know that none of this is truly in my control. God has always guided me the best direction for my family and me, when I allow Him to. I need to allow Him to guide me. 

 

I am fighting hard against my trauma, and just writing this has freed up so much anxiety in me. It has allowed me to shine light on the dark parts and start to root them out. 

I love my husband but I cannot fight for this marriage alone. I can only fight for me right now. I can only work on pulling myself up out of the mud I'm covered in. I can only work to clean up my own recovery and keep walking. I can only do these things by allowing Heavenly Father to reach down and help me up. 

Lighter, 

T.

Fear Has Held Me Prisoner

I had an a-ha, lightbulb moment last night, and it's one I have had several times before, but apparently a lesson I need to keep learning. Let me start at the beginning, or at least the beginning of my growth this time.

The last month I have started to get depressed. I have felt depressed before but have always been able to push through it fairly quickly. This time it was different. I haven't just "felt" depressed, I have been depressed. To me there is a subtle difference in that "feeling" depressed is just that, a feeling, and being depressed is something that feels like it is a permanent part of me. I have never felt that before now. The last two weeks it has been so bad that I haven't wanted to get out of bed and yet I have struggled to go to sleep at night, I haven't cared if my kids go to school, I haven't cooked dinner in three weeks, at least, I haven't nourished my body but have gorged on junk, there have been days that I have cried on and off all day. I have been so hopeless that I had given up, just done what had to be done and escaped through social media, books, shopping and sleep. It felt like I was in a pit of mud and that I just wanted to give up and stay there. I didn't care anymore if I got out of the mud, or if it just swallowed me whole. I have been on a medication for anxiety that also helps with depression for three or four years now and it has helped dramatically, it hasn't felt like it was helping the last 3 weeks or so though, so I talked to my doctor and asked her to increase my dose. I've been taking the increased dose for about a week now with slight improvement. I hesitate sometimes to mention that part because there is such a stigma attached to taking medication for depression and anxiety, but it's my reality and so I am owning it.

Last night as I knelt in prayer I realized how much fear I was holding on to. I have been afraid that B. won't work hard and find recovery and therefore my marriage will be over. I have been afraid that our finances will never be stable. I have let fear tell me that I am never going to be healthy and active. I have been afraid that my daughter will be unhappy as she leaves for college next fall. I have been afraid that she has been holding in her emotions and not dealing with them. I have been afraid that the world is going to chew up and spit out my tenderhearted son. I have also been afraid that he will become an addict too. I have been afraid of negative and critical comments from others. These fears have held me prisoner in my mind. They have consumed me. They have occupied so much space that I became hopeless and felt out of control.

As I knelt there I surrendered those fears as much as I was capable of. As I handed them over to Heavenly Father knowing that Christ has already suffered them for me, I felt a loosening before I even finished my prayer. It was as if there has been a band constricting my heart and as I released my fears to my Father in Heaven that band released and I could breathe and feel hope again. I know the process of surrender works. I know that holding on to fear is toxic for me and my recovery. I know that I can find peace through surrender. I haven't been practicing it and therefore I had fallen in the mire and couldn't get out. I can't ever get out on my own. I need the hand of a loving Savior to help me out. He sacrificed His life for me (and for each of you) so that I don't have to suffer these fears if I will turn them over to Him. I am grateful for a loving God who has made a plan for happiness. I wish that I didn't have to relearn things that I know and have practiced. I am grateful that I was reminded to surrender my fears last night. I feel more hope and less fear than I have felt in weeks. It's not a evangelical on fire type of miracle, but a subtle change of heart kind of miracle. It still feels like a miracle to me.

More hopeful,

T.

Fear and Surrender

Two weeks ago was tumultuous to say the least. I have had to make some big decision and I have lived in fear of making them. I let my fears control me for days. I was so afraid that I was angry and scared and it showed. My heart raced, I was shaky, I had a short temper and I even said the "F" word in our couples therapy session. That was not a good moment, and I apologized both to B. and to our therapist. That is not the person I want to be, and no matter what B. has done or said he doesn't deserve to be verbally assaulted.

I finally broke down, humbled myself, and asked my Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) for a priesthood blessing. The blessing he pronounced upon my head brought me so much peace. I am not sure that I adequately expressed my gratitude to him. I was no longer afraid to face the hard choices. I was no longer living in fear and self-doubt. I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my needs and that He would not abandon me to make the choice alone.

Thursday I met with my therapist and then I attended the LDS Temple seeking clarity and guidance. I received it quickly and clearly. I have peace about the choice I made. It will be a difficult one on all of us but I feel it is the right one for all of us as well. I came out with a sense of peace that was palpable.  I had at last humbled myself enough to surrender my fear to Heavenly Father. Once I was finally able to hand it over, the answer came swiftly and easily to my mind. I knew clearly what the right choice was, and it was not the answer I expected.

I'm not intentionally trying to be vague about my big life decision, but it is so scary to write out. *deep breath* B. and I are separating. It's going to be a bit of a strange separation and not 100% complete but it is enough for now. I know that this will bring me the measure of space and separation I need right now to work on my own recovery and healing. I pray often that B. will use the time and space to get himself right with God and surrender his will to Him. I pray that B. will find recovery. I have however, surrendered that to Heavenly Father. I cannot make him find recovery. I cannot work his recovery for him. I cannot force, guilt, shame or manipulate him into recovery. Trust me I have tried all those things and more. The only thing I can do is put my trust in Heavenly Father and know that no matter what happens, I will be happy because I am following the Lord's will for me.

If I could ask one little favor it is this, keep us in your prayers. We could use all the heavenly intervention we can get.

Peacefully,

T.

Changes

I wasn't sure I was going to post this here, but I feel like I need to. Please know that this is something I am extremely tender about and it incredibly important to me. There are some pretty specific details here regarding my boundaries and their application to our current situation. Some content may be triggering.

Friday night was hard, but not as hard as I anticipated it being. I gave B. my boundaries for in-home separation. I feel so much peace around my decisions. I fear an even harder one is coming to actually have a physical separation...but it's not time to cross that bridge yet. We have to share a room still because we only have 3 bedrooms and our kids can't share (boy/girl thing). He really wants to sleep on the couch but I won't let him because I don't want him in our living room...I already have to work in the living room, it needs to not be a bedroom too. That was the only boundary he pushed back on. I just feel peace and that is such a good thing. If anyone is interested here are the boundaries I gave him (please ask if you have any questions, and I love feedback...I went over them with my therapist and she thought they were great):

-Beds separated (our king size bed is actually 2 twin beds pushed together)

-Complete privacy while I am showering/changing (do not even come in the bathroom while I am showering)

-No physical touch unless initiated by me (hugs, kisses, hand-holding, etc.)

-No sex

-No dating for now

-Assigned nights for dinner each week based on our schedules, including clean-up

-Shared responsibility for kid transportation to be determined weekly based on schedules

-I have complete control over our finances, we will have a set time each week to review upcoming bills and deposits - I will turn our debit cards off unless we need them for a pre-approved purpose, otherwise we need to speak with the other about any spending - Allowances to be negotiated

-We are each responsible for picking up our own prescriptions and making our own appointments, may ask for help as needed, each is allowed to refuse

-Cleaning schedules and responsibilities to be determined

-Decluttering and organization to be done together as possible

Update the day after: You guys, I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Today, the day after presenting these to B., I feel so much peace. I feel like now that in my mind we are officially separated, I have no expectations of him. He can choose to work his recovery, he can choose to be connected to the family. He can make whatever choices he wants. I have just been able to let go of my expectations and truly surrender him to my Father in Heaven. It feels like a miracle to me. I have so much more peace and have been truly able to surrender the outcome of my marriage to Heavenly Father.

Separately peaceful,

T.

Tender Mercies

The Lord is aware of us friends. He has us in his sights. He loves us. I used to doubt that, in fact it was something I didn't believe at all. Right now, right here, I cannot deny my testimony of the fact that I personally am loved by my Heavenly Father. His hand is too apparent in my life for me to deny it.

The last few months have been so very hard for multiple reasons. Through them all though, Heavenly Father has walked with me. He has carried me. He has sent people and blessings into my life right when they were needed. He has cared for me and for those around me far more than we could ever deserve. That's the beauty of His love, we never have to 'deserve' it, He gives it to all of us freely.

Things between B. and I are not good right now. I feel hopeless that things will ever be better between us. I haven't however given up hope. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but it's not. I feel hopeless, but I have not let that feeling rob me of my hope. I do hope that we can salvage our marriage and make it strong and healthy. I have also however, accepted the fact that this is where we are right now. Satan really does not want us to heal our marriage and is trying extra hard to prevent it. Despite all of that I can feel Heavenly Father's love for me. His hand guiding me is ever present. His answers for me are clear.

Reach out to Heavenly Father. Talk to Him. Rage at Him. Yell and scream at Him. Praise Him. Thank Him. Ask Him for hope. Whatever you do just know, you are loved by Him. You are precious in His sight. No matter what you have done or said, no matter who you have hurt or neglected, no matter the burden of shame you carry, NOTHING can undo His love for you. Jesus Christ has already carried those burdens for you. Lay them at His feet, you do not need to carry them anymore.

Feeling known,

T.

Boundaries, Compassion and Trusting My Gut

As Thanksgiving winds down and we head into Christmas, I am at peace emotionally with where I am but I am struggling physically. I have been sick for over three weeks now and I just don't seem to be getting better. I think that my body has just had enough emotional stress and is trying to get me to slow down and recover a bit. I am doing my best to listen.

As I mentioned in my last post, I realized that my boundaries had been slipping and that I needed to reinforce them. I have done a good job at this and have been feeling a lot more peace the last couple of weeks. My amazing LifeStar leader said something in group a couple of weeks back to the effect of, "Boundaries allow us to have compassion." At first it took me a bit to accept and understand this, but it now makes sense to me. When I let my boundaries slide, I have no emotional room for compassion for B., I am too emotionally spent trying to stay out of trauma. However, when I hold my boundaries firm, I am able to look at things with a bit more perspective and realize that B. is struggling too. It doesn't mean I allow my boundaries to go more lax in order to make things "easier" for him. It means I am better able to cope with my trauma and not react to him. I am better able to cope and not go into victim, rescue or persecute mode. I am able to take care of me and allow my husband the room to take care of himself, or not take care of himself whichever the case may be.

I have also realized that my trip to the Temple and the confirmation from Heavenly Father that I need to hold on a bit longer, came at just the time I needed it to. I needed that sure knowledge that I was making the right decision to let B. stay and have an "in-house separation" to the best of our ability. Heavenly Father knew I needed that because it was going to be tested.

I have felt for weeks that B. has been acting out and lying to me about it. That he has been hiding things. I have told him this multiple times, I have asked him multiple times if he was acting-out and lying. Each time I got the response that no he wasn't acting out, and that he was sorry I felt like he was hiding something. Well guess what? I was right. He HAS been acting out for weeks and he HAS been lying to me. This has been going on for WEEKS.

I am so grateful for the increased faith I have found through this struggle. Without it I would never have had the strength to weather that confession. I think I would've crumbled if it weren't for the faith I have found in Heavenly Father and his timing. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. It hurts so much that at times I physically ache. My chest hurts and my stomach wrenches itself in knots. At those times especially though, I am still able to feel the love Heavenly Father has for me and it helps.

It's the lies that hurt the very most. I keep thinking we are past the lies and then *BOOM* here they come again. It's like being shot at just as the last wound is closing up. The thing that is so hard is that he hasn't just been lying to me, he has been lying to his LifeStar group, his personal therapist, and our couples therapist. He would sit in couples therapy and tell our therapist how angry I am and how bullied he feels by me. It hurt so much and was so triggering but I honestly took it as feedback and looked at and am working on changing my own behavior. The whole time he was acting out and lying to me and I could feel it and my trauma was running so high, yet he continued to play the victim.

I am continuing to lean on Heavenly Father's counsel and guidance. I am continuing to work my recovery. I am trusting my gut. I am holding my boundaries. I am finding compassion. I am strong. I am resilient. I am fighting. My husband's choices and actions do not reflect my worth. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and because of that I have worth. I am learning to love myself, maybe for the first time in my life.

Holding strong,

T.

Tender Mercies

Today was a day filled with tender mercies. It was a day where I was reminded again and again that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me. I felt His presence very keenly today.

I haven't had individual therapy for almost a month because my therapist had a baby. Today I was able to get in for a session with the therapist that runs my LifeStar group. It was a blessing. She knows enough of my story that it wasn't a full first time assessment, she let me lead where we went and what we talked about. On my way to the session I was pondering what I wanted to talk about, and some of my history was on my mind. I felt prompted to share that with her. She gave me some insight about things I had never thought about and I felt a few pieces of the puzzle click into place that hadn't fit quite right before. It was enlightening. That was a tender mercy.

Towards the end of our session she said a couple of things to me that I really needed to hear. She told me that about 15 minutes into our session two things really struck her that she felt she needed to share. The first was her observation. when I was talking, about what a lovely person I am, how lovely my spirit is and what a beautiful woman I am. I could feel the sincerity radiating in those affirmations. I felt how genuine it was and it thawed a piece of my heart. It's been a long time since I felt that kind of a sincere compliment. The second thing she shared with me she told me came from the Spirit (of note, she is not affiliated with LDS Family Services but is a private practice therapist). She said that she had the distinct impression that my ancestors are surrounding me, fighting with me, supporting me, even the ones that I have no knowledge of. She said that even though there are a lot of my ancestors that I know nothing of, that they know me and are there supporting me. I was heartened and buoyed by this. My grandma is my safe person, always has been and I have felt her presence many times through this journey. When my therapist said this to me, I could feel the support of many. This was a tender mercy.

When I got to my car, I needed a few minutes to cry. There was just so many powerful emotions fighting for my attention that I couldn't hold them all and they spilled down my cheeks. I didn't feel ready to come home. I needed some time for me, some time to process and to talk to my Heavenly Father. He guided me to the Temple Visitor's Center. I walked around for a few minutes until I came to the display of televisions that play short videos and commercials about families. Here I stopped. I watched some of the videos, but it was the television commercials that really grabbed me. I watched every one of them, all told maybe 8 of them, so it was just a few minutes of my time. The messages they shared were simple, but He knew that they were just what I needed to hear today. The simplicity of the messages was just what I needed to ground myself and sort through the turmoil. This was a tender mercy.

I still refuse to be grateful for this trial, but I am so grateful for the person I am being refined into. This refiner's fire is fierce, but I am becoming strong and whole because of it. This is a tender mercy.

My wish tonight, is for all who read this to feel the tender mercies in their own life. I pray every day for all those suffering this trial that they may find peace and healing through God. I pray that we will all be able to find joy again and that we will be stronger for having walked this road.

Gratefully,

T.

Letter To My Younger Self

Recently our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) released a series of videos through their addiction recovery services. The videos were of spouses reading letters they had written to themselves on D-Day (they day/approximate time they found out about their loved ones addiction). I know some of these amazing women and they are incredible and strong! If you would like to watch them (they are very powerful), they can be found here. I thought this was a fabulous idea, so I decided to try it. This is what I would want the younger me to know.

Sometime about 15  years ago

Dear T.,

I am sorry that your heart is breaking right now and that you feel like there is something wrong with you. I know the anger is boiling over and your ready to leave if he looks at porn and masturbates again. That is a normal reaction but don't get stuck there.

You aren't to blame, you didn't cause this. Your suggestion to watch porn together early in your marriage was not the first time he had viewed porn. You didn't introduce him to it. He was introduced to it at the tender age of eleven. This "problem" started years before you met.

This is not just a "problem" for him, it is an addiction. His brain is broken. He cannot "just quit", it holds too much power over him. He needs resources that are not readily available right now. There are some out there, but he isn't ready to search them out yet. You can't fix this for him, he is the only one that can fix it for himself. I know you want desperately to "fix" him and help him realize how much worth he has, but you just can't. Don't wast precious years of your life thinking that if he would just listen to you he will be fine, he won't, listen or be fine. He has to really hit rock bottom and want to get better.

Don't protect him from how you feel about him looking at pornography and masturbating. Tell him you feel like he is cheating on your. Don't wall yourself up behind anger, let your feelings out and don't shelter him from the sadness, hurt, pain, grief and yes, anger, that you feel about his behavior. Let him see those things. He won't be able to hold those things, you will have to have support, but he needs to see that his actions aren't without consequences.

You think you have to carry all the load because B. doesn't and that will overwhelm you and cause you to feel a great amount of resentment. Don't carry it all, you can't and you shouldn't have to try. Let B. have the consequences of not carrying his share of the weight. Make him responsible for his own "stuff". He needs that responsibility so that he can learn to take care of himself and not become completely dependent on you. It causes him a great amount of shame when you do things for him that he should be doing himself because he then feels incapable.

I know that at one point after yet another discovery of B.'s acting out, you'll want to say, "To Hell with it, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Stop that thought right then. It won't help your marriage. It won't help you feel connected. You will only end up feeling shame and sadness. It will also start a battle you will have to fight against your own desires to look at porn and read pornographic books. Don't take one step down that road. It is not the answer.

Find your voice and use it. Stand up for your rights and learn to recognize when they are being violated. Have boundaries and do not let him cross them without consequence. You are worth more than being taken for granted and used. B. is worth more than being allowed to take you for granted and use you.

Your feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing won't just "go away" if he would "just stop". He can find genuine and lasting recovery and you will still feel broken. You need to find healing yourself. You have been betrayed and because of it you have a form of PTSD called Betrayal Trauma. This doesn't just "go away", you need support and good therapy…not to mention a lot of help from Heavenly Father. You can recover from this, but it will take time, years in fact. You can find happiness regardless of if B. ever finds recovery or not. It will be a battle, but you can do it.

The shame, inadequacy and self-loathing that you feel…they aren't true. You can share this part of you with those that you trust. They will only love you more and be there for you. You are not inadequate. You are not ugly. You could look like a Playboy Bunny, have the sex drive of a teenager and be at his beckon call…he would STILL look at porn and masturbate. When he wasn't, he would be using you to satisfy is addictive lust. He will use you if you let him, don't let him.

You are an amazingly strong woman. You can rise from this and be stronger than you have ever been before. You can find the power to believe in yourself again. Heavenly Father is there with you every step of the way. Don't ever lose contact with him. Don't let your faith waiver, do what you need to keep it strong. Heavenly Father is never far from you, reach to Him often.

Find other woman that have been betrayed, they are out there. You need them and they need you. Listen with an open heart. Reach out. Let them be your support, they have you! It will be a while until there are as many groups and resources that there will be in the future, but don't stop looking for them. They will be out there.

YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE FAITHFUL. YOU ARE COMPASSIONATE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE LOVING. YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!

Lovingly,

T.

Spiritualy Nourished

This weekend provided some much needed spiritual nourishment. The peace that has accompanied this nourishment has been a much needed balm to my tender soul. This edifying came through two things, a blessing given to me and participating in Temple Ordinances. I will share with you what I journaled the night I received the blessing, because it sums up exactly how I feel. 

Tonight I asked for a blessing. It was just exactly what Heavenly Father knew I was struggling with. My husband is not in a place in recovery yet that he can give me a blessing, nor would I feel like he was the person that could provide that blessing right now, so I asked my best friend's husband to do it. It was so amazing how much I could feel the Spirit whispering to my friend just what I needed to hear. I was reminded that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me and the struggles that I am going through. I was also reminded that Jesus Christ personally understands and has felt the trials I am going through. He let me know that I would have the strength to endure as I turned toward Him and built my testimony and that I need to help my children and those around me understand and know the truth of the gospel and the restoration. It was not anything I haven't recently thought or heard, but tonight it was what Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear. 

I was blessed the next day to attend The Temple with my best friend and woman that was there shared this scripture with me. "Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation" - 2 Nephi 4:30. I am not sure what prompted her to share this with me, but It was just what I needed to hear…REJOICE! I am rejoicing in the peace that I have received from my Heavenly Father. 

The strongest impression I received this week, many times over, was that my Heavenly Father KNOWS me and LOVES me and is HERE FOR me. I needed this reminder, apparently over and over again, before it penetrated my soul. I am loved. I am known. I am protected. 

Peacefully Nourished,

T.

Grief, Peace and Gratitude for The Plan

This has been one very long and emotionally taxing week…but it was also a week of peace. It seems odd to me that both can coexist so easily, but they did for me this week. Remember my last post? I was so angry and didn't seem to be able to let go of that anger. That's not the case today, the anger is gone and peace has taken it's place.

I was truly blessed to be able to grow up in the same house and with the same friends until I left home. To this day, those friends are some of my closest. I love these friends as if they were blood. This week I grieve with one of those friends. Her husband finally succumbed to the cancer that has been plaguing him for the last four years. My heart aches because this amazingly strong woman has to raise her children alone without her husband at her side. He has been at her side and making the most of the time he had. He had his faults just like anyone else, but he was there, active in his family life and being a companion to my friend.

He fought with all he had to beat the cancer, and he maintained the upper hand throughout most of that fight. He didn't let his diagnosis and prognosis rule his life, he just simply fought and lived the best way he knew how. He fought! That's what hit me so hard at the funeral. How hard he fought. It hit me right then that it was no different than what I want of my husband…for him to fight. I want B. to fight for our family because he does have a choice and he can use every weapon available to him to FIGHT! What was strange though was that I wasn't angry or sad about my situation when I thought that, it just was. It actually gave me a measure of peace and understanding to have an example of what fighting looks like.

The funeral was so incredibly challenging but at the same time there was such a feeling of celebration of my friend's life. He was truly a warrior in every sense of the word. I am so truly blessed to believe that there is a plan that will allow my sweet friend and her warrior husband to be reunited and live as man and wife eternally. It is often the only measure of peace that I can find surrounding death. The peace of knowing that life doesn't end here but continues on.

I also got to spend three days with my sister recharging my self-care batteries. It was exactly what I needed. I got to be there to love and support my friend and I got to recharge at the same time. It helped me find a measure of peace and perspective that has been lacking from my life for a while.

I also, unfortunately, brought a nasty virus home with me and I physically feel miserable. B. thought I was mad at him tonight because I came in and went straight to the bedroom to lie down. I reassured him that I wasn't angry just exhausted and feeling miserable. It was nice to be able to communicate that to him and clear the air so tension didn't grow from the unexpressed emotions. We're working on that communication thing!

I am still aching for my friend and I know she has many hard roads ahead. I am so blessed that I get to travel some of them with her. She is truly a strong and inspirational woman. I love you my friend! Thank you for letting me be there with you in your grief.

Finding peace in The Plan,

T.