Worthy of Love

   I have struggled to write this post, because it seems so insignificant in the scheme of things, but it is significant to me. Being single is so freeing in some ways, I get to do what I want without consideration of what someone else wants. At the same time it's isolating because you don't have that person to lean on that should be there for you. For me personally, the hardest part is having to ask for help from outside, I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I have made great strides in accepting that others WANT to help me, the same as I want to help them. I try to remind myself frequently, that I am loved by many and that that love is not conditional. One of the lasting effects of Betrayal Trauma is the way I feel about myself, and the feeling of never being enough or worthy of love. I still fight this battle every single day. I have been able to overcome a lot of the negative self talk and false beliefs, but that nagging one of not being worthy of love still lingers. I know in my heart I am worthy of being loved, it's just my mind that keeps feeding me that negative message. I've been conditioned for so many years from messages I received as a young woman, to the prevalence of the message in media, and the effect that B's addiction had on me. As women we are bombarded by the message that if we don't look and act "sexy" then we aren't worthy of love. It's tough propaganda to not buy into. All that to say, I needed my support system this last weekend, they showed up for me, and it was humbling.

Last Friday, I went to the Emergency Room after almost 24 hours of having the symptoms of a stomach bug. I just thought I was going in to be hydrated and get some nausea medicine. That turned out not to be the case, I had a partial small bowel obstruction (related to scar tissue from previous surgeries), and I was admitted to the hospital. It's scary being admitted to the hospital knowing you don't have a partner to be there to support you. It is what it is though, so I buckled down and knew I could get through this (after an hour of crying by myself on the ER stretcher). I let -my best friend know what was going on and without even a thought she said, "I'm coming". Y'all she lives four hours away and has her own family to take care of. It wasn't even a question to her, she finished up work, packed up and drove the four hours to sleep on the hospital couch with me. The love of that gesture was overwhelming. I was scared. I was on pain medicine. I have diabetes. We had no idea if I was going to need surgery (I didn't). It was a lot, but I chose to be by myself, so I was just going to do what I had to do. Having someone there so I didn't have to face it alone, it was such a relief. Then within a short time of being admitted I received flowers and a blanket from my amazing work friends. I can't tell you how many texts and messages of support and concern I received, as well as dinners provided when I got home, one friend even made sure I had a picture of the afghan I entered in our county fair, since I couldn't see it in person. The outpouring of love shown to me was astounding. I have several women whom I consider best friends, it's amazing the kind, loving, and supportive friends I have. I am beyond blessed. I was not alone physically, emotionally, or spiritually. 

I ended up staying in the hospital until Sunday, so two days, and got to go home on my birthday. It was a short stay considering what it could have been. Here's what was the worst part of it, I had to cancel a trip to see my parents and take care of my sister after surgery she was having. I was supposed to leave on Saturday, and celebrate my birthday with my twin sister. Then on Monday she had surgery, I was supposed to be there to take care of her. It sucked. I actually don't like that word at all. but it's what sums it up. She's had a rougher week than she expected, and I wasn't there. I wanted to be there. I wanted to show her the love of being well cared for. She has support and people there to take care of her, but I wanted to be the one that was there. I miss my sister. I miss my parents. I want to see them. This pandemic has made that very hard. I haven't seen them much in the last 15 months. Not being able to go see my family and take care of my sister has been the hardest part of this. Now anyway. 

I am finally feeling pretty much back to normal. I used my week of vacation to recover, which is not how I wanted to spend my time off. Life doesn't always give us what we want, but sometimes it gives us what we need. For me this whole experience has reminded me how much I am loved. It's reinforced the amazing support system I have. It has reminded me that I am no longer living in the isolation of Betrayal Trauma, and the things I kept hidden about my life for so many years. It reminded me that I am worthy of being loved. I am truly blessed that I have so many people in my corner. Heavenly Father is looking out for me. 

I AM LOVED.

Sincerely,

T.